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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to do anything ever again for FIL

131 replies

Wheresthel1ght · 10/10/2018 14:52

FIL is 87, lives alone, ok health wise albeit a bit of arthritis, very mild blood pressure issue and hard of hearing. Has always been a bit forgetful and worse since MIL died.

About 2 years ago after a near miss with a bus he gave up his car and since then has literally sat and rotted in his chair. We take him out whenever we can but otherwise he has refused to leave the house. We suspected depression and his gp spoke with him, agreed and he now takes a mild Ad. Except he forgets to take them. SIL1 was diagnosed with terminal cancer in April. It has all fallen to me and dp. BIL does sod all, never comes over, never helps and always has an excuse. Dp and I work full time and have kids. BIL kids are all adults (dp was a menopause baby so 15*years younger than siblings). Fine I don't have an issue, BIL will have to justify to himself when anything happens. I have arranged carers because I just don't have time to be there every day.

However, I am currently off work so have been going over more, cleaning house etc. Today I have been and done his shopping. Cleaned his house, done his washing etc. Carer arrived and helped out. And FIL had the nerve to tell her he had no idea who I was. Luckily I had explained who I was when she arrived as she hadn't been before. But I am livid. Had she taken him at his word it could have been horrendous. I work in an area that requires a dbs so I could have lost my job and everything.

He think he was being funny but I am. So angry. I do everything for him with absolutely no thanks. SIL2 (BIL wife) refuses to have anything to do with him and I am. Starting to understand why.

Can I legitimately refuse to do any more!

Dp is livid and having a word but still.

OP posts:
Volant · 10/10/2018 15:57

He doesn't have dementia

You really don't know that, OP. As people have pointed out, people who have dementia do their best to mask it and often won't see a doctor for a diagnosis to be made. My mother has no official diagnosis but is certainly forgetful; once when I went to visit at an unusual time when she wasn't expecting me she didn't recognise me. She didn't try to make out it was a joke, but she basically behaved as if it had never happened.

I could lose my job because had the carer taken him at his word she should have been reporting it as a safeguarding issue and I would be suspended pending investigation. Which ultimately could have caused me to lose my job.

No, that wouldn't have happened. It's unlikely that she would have reported it after you explained who you are and, if necessary, showed ID - people who work as carers are very used to this sort of thing and don't tend to run to the police at every opportunity. Even if she had, the police would have taken it no further as soon as they established who you are.

LilMy33 · 10/10/2018 15:57

Ok, but how long ago was he last assessed? I only ask because each time something very stressful happened in my gran’s life (husbands death, moving into a home, stint in hospital) her dementia would get worse. Sometimes all it took was a UTI or a cold and she seemed to get more and more confused and never improved. Sometimes it’s a slow burner and other times not.

Volant · 10/10/2018 16:00

I know he hasn't got dementia because I am not an idiot and have had him properly assessed by his doctors. Although people appear to be ignoring that part of my posts.

As you haven't previously mentioned his being assessed by doctors, it's hardly surprising that people are ignoring it.

But bear in mind that dementia is a progressive condition. Unless he was assessed yesterday, you really can't suggest that because doctors once said he didn't have dementia there is no possibility that he has it now.

Winterbella · 10/10/2018 16:00

You didn't say in your posts he'd been tested for dementia previously, Its not an unreasonable suggestion given the obviously limited information provided.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 10/10/2018 16:00

I think, understandably so, you've had a bit if s humour bypass.

You don't need to look for excuses to stop doing so much for him. You are well within your rights to stop and ask other family members to take up the slack.

Silvercatowner · 10/10/2018 16:02

He may not have had dementia when he was tested but it is not unlikely that he has it now. Some forms of dementia can develop very quickly.

Elephant14 · 10/10/2018 16:05

Only on MN - whenever anyone over 60 behaves like an arsehole they must have dementia. Such an aged human cannot be expected to take any responsibility for themselves or what comes out of their mouth.

Even if he was the nicest old cove in the land, he could live another 10 years like this. You need to get your DH and his brother to look at long term solutions and a fix to help you in the short term, you shouldn't have to shoulder this. Maybe a needs assessment by social services would be the first place to start.

babybrain77 · 10/10/2018 16:08

The dementia-no dementia thing seems a bit of a non-issue to the problem at hand. I.e. that the OP is doing all of the care for her FIL and it's clearly not sustainable.

I'm perfectly willing to believe that he just has a terrible sense of humour, and in your position I would also have a sense of humour failure. Your DH needs to sort this out - it's his father. You are taking on way too much. This has the potential to turn into a much bigger issue if you don't recognise soon that you can't keep going as you are.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 10/10/2018 16:08

Do your father in law a favour and keep away from him. There is no reason for you to be looking after him seeing as though you resent doing it so much. He's got carers, let them see to him

Bluelady · 10/10/2018 16:10

Dementia can certainly progress very quickly. The difference in my mum over just a few months was horrific. I personally think this is the most likely explanation. You can either do this or you can't, OP, only you can decide.

I'd be employing a cleaner for him and add a couple of hours to do his shopping. Far better someone paid and cheerful than a resentful family member.

Feellikeimthemaid · 10/10/2018 16:10

Your DP needs to call a family conference and he and his siblings need to agree how their father is going to be cared for, because it shouldn't be your job. Are the siblings helping with the cost of the carers?

As long as you do all the work they'll all let you, because it means they're not having to take responsibility. DP being 'livid' and 'having a word' is not enough. Time to take a step back OP.

Gazelda · 10/10/2018 16:11

I don't blame you for wanting to step back from all of the care you've been providing. Can you have a 'family conference' to highlight the level of care and support that FIL is now needing, and that it is simply not possible for you and DH to continue bearing the bulk. Ask now each of the siblings thinks they can help ease the load, or research into a possible care home.

I think you have (understandably) over reacted to FIL's comments. He spends a lot of time alone, his joke was ill judged. But I agree with others that your job was never at risk, and you can't be certain there isn't some dementia or other health issue that might have caused him to have a memory loss which he covered up by saying it was a joke.

AuntBeastie · 10/10/2018 16:11

The carer wouldn’t have taken him at his word though, would she? And your FIL wouldn’t have let the joke get that far if he is of sound mind. You really are being OTT to be concerned about losing your job when you must know it was never a possibility.

That being said - I think you’re using the fear of losing your job to justify your feelings and you don’t need to. Your feelings are valid anyway. You feel taken advantage of and under appreciated.

If FIL has other options available, like more help from caters, then you don’t have to bear the burden of care. If he doesn’t have options then it’s up to you to decide if your conscience will allow you to pull back anyway.

diddl · 10/10/2018 16:12

So what happens when you're at work?

If he needs more care than the carers can give then isn't it best for him to be in full time care?

Bluelady · 10/10/2018 16:16

He doesn't need more care. OP hasn't been caring, she's doing domestic tasks which can easily be paid for.

Flooffloof · 10/10/2018 16:16

Only on MN - whenever anyone over 60 behaves like an arsehole they must have dementia. Such an aged human cannot be expected to
take any responsibility for themselves or what comes out of their mouth

Fine then we call it humour, but to OP it wasn't funny. Either way OP needs no excuses to stop doing things for him.
No is a complete sentence. OP doesn't even need to start the discussion, she needs to tell her husband she will do no more. It's up to husband to organise with his family what to do with his parent.

Fwiw, I too reckon it's a dementia. It's common signs. I too have had relatives with various forms of dementia. It can come in waves for some and suddenly for others.
My grandma was fixated on money. She died worth a fortune (for the times) but she remembered every penny anyone had ever had off her and not repaid. But ask her who her mum was on a photo, no idea.
Grandad was a sudden onset, he remembered me, but not which car was his. He forgot he quit smoking years before. Etc etc

E20mom · 10/10/2018 16:17

You couldn't have lost your job. That's ridiculous to say.

Needsmorebeans · 10/10/2018 16:21

My DM wouldn't get up out of bed and seemed to be losing track of time and refusing to get out of her chair. She also played odd little 'jokes' and imagined visitors had been who hadn't.. She also passed the dementia tests and the GP diagnosed water infections. It got worse and worse over some weeks and we had to call an ambulance. Again, the doctors said it was not dementia but I insisted she was clearly not herself and finally a doctor listened and had scans ordered. They found multiple brain tumours and DM had terminal cancer. Passing dementia tests does not mean nothing is wrong. I would ask for another opinion.

Silvercatowner · 10/10/2018 16:22

Only on MN - whenever anyone over 60 behaves like an arsehole they must have dementia.

Because dementia accounts for a lot of uncharacteristic, odd behaviour in elderly people. And that is a really shit thing to say about a horrific disease.

Blackoutblinds · 10/10/2018 16:26

You’re doing too much. Step back.

BIL and his family have no obligation to be Carers either.

I couldn’t do it. I’m not temperamentally suited to it. I was put in a situation where I had to do it and it drove me to a breakdown. And I’d NEVER EVER do it again. And especially not for my dad because he and I would be at each other’s throats.

StaySafe · 10/10/2018 16:26

To me ( and I run a care service) it is irrelevant whether your FiL has dementia or not. You are clearly being put upon and being pressured to do far more for him than is appropriate. You need to look after yourself.
Full time work and children is more than enough pressure in your life.
FiL should be entitled to attendance allowance and needs to spend this on some domestic support on top of his personal care calls. You need to be able to restore some sort of work/life balance.
Your FiL seems to have only fairly moderate health issues and with a bit of encouragement could certainly do his own laundry, and maybe another relation could do an on line shop. I'm not looking forward to my own old age if the Mumsnet assumptions on Dementia prevail.

sockunicorn · 10/10/2018 16:27

im so sorry, off topic, but im confused. genuine question here....

And FIL had the nerve to tell her he had no idea who I was. Luckily I had explained who I was when she arrived as she hadn't been before. But I am livid. Had she taken him at his word it could have been horrendous. I work in an area that requires a dbs so I could have lost my job and everything.

how would you have lost your job? even if she had reported you (i dont even know who to), surely a quick flash of your marriage certificate would show you married this guys son and have been the person arranging all the care for him?

ThisIsHalloween2018 · 10/10/2018 16:30

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YeTalkShiteHen · 10/10/2018 16:30

OP you sound worn down, emotionally and physically exhausted and just at the end of your tether. And I don’t bloody blame you one bit, it’s not right that it’s all falling to you.

Having read all your posts back, it seems that this “joke” is what put the tin lid on it, but actually you’re most (rightly) angry with your BIL and SIL2 rather than FIL.

YeTalkShiteHen · 10/10/2018 16:30

ThisIsHalloween2018 no she doesn’t! She sounds fucking exhausted, not bloody unhinged.