To refuse to do anything ever again for FIL

[Wheresthel1ght]

FIL is 87, lives alone, ok health wise albeit a bit of arthritis, very mild blood pressure issue and hard of hearing. Has always been a bit forgetful and worse since MIL died.

About 2 years ago after a near miss with a bus he gave up his car and since then has literally sat and rotted in his chair. We take him out whenever we can but otherwise he has refused to leave the house. We suspected depression and his gp spoke with him, agreed and he now takes a mild Ad. Except he forgets to take them. SIL1 was diagnosed with terminal cancer in April. It has all fallen to me and dp. BIL does sod all, never comes over, never helps and always has an excuse. Dp and I work full time and have kids. BIL kids are all adults (dp was a menopause baby so 15*years younger than siblings). Fine I don't have an issue, BIL will have to justify to himself when anything happens. I have arranged carers because I just don't have time to be there every day.

However, I am currently off work so have been going over more, cleaning house etc. Today I have been and done his shopping. Cleaned his house, done his washing etc. Carer arrived and helped out. And FIL had the nerve to tell her he had no idea who I was. Luckily I had explained who I was when she arrived as she hadn't been before. But I am livid. Had she taken him at his word it could have been horrendous. I work in an area that requires a dbs so I could have lost my job and everything.

He think he was being funny but I am. So angry. I do everything for him with absolutely no thanks. SIL2 (BIL wife) refuses to have anything to do with him and I am. Starting to understand why.

Can I legitimately refuse to do any more!

Dp is livid and having a word but still.

I don't understand how his joke isn't being taken as just that? He thought it was funny, you didn't, but it's hardly offensive in anyway, why are you so narked by this? Sounds like your looking for an excuse to sack off the responsibility.

Seems like he was making a joke as it's fairly obvious he knows who you are as your in his house, like asking a mum with a baby 'oh is this your baby?' Oh no I just found it on the side of the road 🙄😂

Anyone who uses the phrase ‘rotted in his chair’ in reference to an 87 year old with depression should have a chat with themselves IMO. I get that your tired and run down right now but you need to take a massive step back.

This is for your DH and his DB to sort out

Absolutely agree..

I've been there caring for my nan. While the rest of the family stood aside and let me wear myself out into the ground and neglect my own children.

What did I learn? That you sort out carers. You arrange for a cleaner once/twice a week and get the rest of the family to chip in if money is an issue, same with a gardener. You phone the council and get the bins taken in/out. Order Wiltshire farm foods and arrange an online shop for when the carer is there. Sort out attendance allowance if money is an issue to pay for the above.

It doesn't have to be a burden. You're too worn out to see the woods for the trees, and bless you for doing it. When my nan passed away, I stood there with my head held high and knew I'd done everything in my power to help her.

I did everything you are, OP, with the addition of all the financial management. In the end my dad couldn't cope with opening the mail. But there were crucial differences - a hot meal was delivered every day, a cleaner went in once a week and she did the laundry. The other difference was it my own parents and there was nobody else.

He needs to have a cleaner or a dirty house and clothes. His choice. I know how exhausting it is, in my case it went on for five years.

I could lose my job because had the carer taken him at his word she should have been reporting it as a safeguarding issue and I would be suspended pending investigation. Which ultimately could have caused me to lose my job.

And if this had happened I'm pretty sure at some point you would have told someone who you actually are/were and it would all have been put down to a misunderstanding.

So your FIL who has depression attempted a joke and found it funny(I do too) and now you hate him? I don't really understand why this one incident has made you and you husband so angry. Mildly annoyed I could maybe understand but you sound furious.

OP you’re clearly very stressed but you’re also massively overreacting - even on this thread.
You’ve described an elderly and depressed widower as ‘rotting In his chair’ and then when he makes an attempt at humour, you’ve totally flown off the handle. You must know that there was never any realistic risk of you being fired over a joke made by your FIL and to cling to this as a reason to be furious is unreasonable.

No you did not explain that your FIL had recently been checked for dementia, so it’s unsurprising that posters ‘ignored’ this

You seem to be upset with the wrong people for the wrong reasons. Why usn’t Your DH managing his father and siblings? I suspect your problem is closer to home

Do not resent BIL and his wife because they choose not to be carers, and their choices have different consequences on their lives than your choices do on yours. Let FIL pay for cleaners, gardeners, home helps. Isn't that what we 'save all our lives for', to ensure comfort and safety in our old age? If he chooses not to engage outside help then that's his choice too and you'll have to wait for a crisis and social services to intervene. Just as you being run ragged and stressed out is down to the choices you are making. What if you lived abroad? Why are you putting your owners wants bottom of the pile? No-one else is. Step back.

"Unfortunately the burden will always fall to us."

Only if you let it.

So he can't/won't clean the house, cook for himself or do his washing.

Forgets/won't take his tablets.

So the people who go in-what do they do?

OP I have been in your position. I took time off work to care for my dad in the last stage of a terminal illness whilst still having to look after my own family .I work in care and I found it incredibly hard. You sound work out and at the end of your tether .Until you have been in that situation it can be hard to understand. Exhaustion will make you feel resentful and with your fil having been deemed to have full capacity then his wishes to remain at home are honoured and rightly so .But that doesn't mean you have to carry the burden. Take a step back for your own sanity ,he has carers. You need to look after yourself otherwise you will burn out .

They probably get him up and dressed, cook him a meal, help him back to bed at night. They're carers, not cleaners, shoppers or laundresses. Nor can they do any more than remind him about his pills and suggest he takes them.

Op - we are not ignoring you saying he doesnt have dementia. We have perhaps seen our own family behave in similar ways. My dad passed every dementia test going - yet he had major brain damage caused by a head injury and the dementia was easy to see. He has now finally been diagnosed - the only slight difference it makes is that my mum can now get a reduction on council tax. He still refuses help and care in thieir home.

Unfortunately the burden will always fall to us.

No it really doesn't, you just step back. You are making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. Ok your shattered and fed up doing it. So stop.

Apart from some minor differences your FIL could be mine. Depressed yet makes hideous, inappropriate jokes. Not got dementia although he does have some lapses (yes, recently assessed).

In our case he just continued to neglect himself, refusing care until he fell, was admitted to hospital and then into a nursing home. Happy as Larry although still has us all at his beck and call. Some people are just bloody difficult.

You 100% need to step back and let the siblings sort it out. At present you are enabling the others to slide away from their responsibilities. Eventually he will probably need residential care. He won’t be any easier there just safer.

My sympathy to you.

The carers mostly are there to remind him to take his meds, make him a sandwich for later, a cuppa if he wants one, they do some minimal cleaning ie wiping down work surfaces and check the state of the loo. We did up their hours to do a bit more.. Load washer, swing hoover about etc but he wouldn't let them. As he has full capacity they cannot force him to let them do anything.

As someone upthread posted, at the moment the carers are more about having things on place for when/if more help is needed.

Someone asked if he is always so dismissive towards me, yes is the honest answer. I think that is probably more what my feelings are about. It's the fact that it actually isn't my job. He has 2 sons and 1 of them actually does anything. We take him out as much as we can, every weekend and at least once in the week. But it is physically demanding, he is perfectly capable of using his scooter but refuses. Will only go in the wheelchair and he is not light to push! Lifting the bloody scooter nearly kills me because he won't use it in the village he lives in "what if someone sees me" is the retort.

He does see people, the gardener goes fortnightly and they get on well. His brother goes twice a week. We have tried to organise trips to day centres but he refused to get on the bus to go and sent them away. He doesn't like people and never really has. Dp says he never had friends that he can remember,,, never went to the pub or did anything with people other than family. I think mil and the kids were his world.

I am angry with BIL, he has significantly more time than us, fewer commitments but refuses to do a thing. When this all started with sil being ill, her brother insisted he would manage fil's finances, pay his papers etc. I popped into the shop for something in August to find that they had been calling BIL for weeks because no one had paid the papers since April when sil stopped. He can't even be bothered to do something that simple, but when he bothers to show up he is applauded for being the hero.

I know my nan does the same to my aunt who does everything for her, takes her for granted and the second my mum does something she doesn't lift a finger ever mum is the hero. So I do get that it's just that he takes it for granted and doesn't see that a thank you once in a while would be nice. Its just bloody frustrating

Your anger is misdirected. FIL is the root cause of your issues, not your BIL. Your BIL chooses not to get involved on a regular basis and I don't blame him. Why should he when FIL is behaving so selfishly, you even admit he is 'perfectly capable' of doing more. It's nobody's 'job' to be running round after him. Only those paid to do it, and he won't let them, but he'll let you do it for free week after week! Choices choices.

Bluelady actually, a full care package should do all those things, if that's on the support plan. They can't force him to take the pills but they can administer them in to his hand.

Realistically, if FIL is fully capable of making his own decisions, it's his right to live at risk.

If you physically can't take him out as he's too heavy you can tell him that. He can arrange for a handibus or stay home. If you don't have time to clean for him he can allow a service or live in a dirty house.

You're not "required" to do these things for him. It's HIS CHOICE not to take the help that's on offer. That doesn't make it your responsibility to see that everything gets looked after.

He is perfectly fine to be at home, he doesn't want to go into a home

His arthritis means he can't bend to out things in the washer or to peg them out.

The meds forgetting thinking back is probably less forgetting and more refusing to admit the needs them.

His arthritis has got worse because he doesn't do anything.

His world has shrunk and I get that. He forgets because he has little simulation

He won't have a cleaner because he says he can do it himself, he can but doesn't.

He has full capacity so we are unable to force anything

Lifting the bloody scooter nearly kills me because he won't use it in the village he lives in "what if someone sees me" is the retort.

Stop enabling him to make bad choices.
Currently his bad decisions have no consequences because you are cleaning his house when he sends cleaners away, pushing his wheelchair when he refuses his scooter.

Focus on your children.

Decide what you want to do, and do only that.
Otherwise this will only get worse.

I strongly suspect bil is not helping because he knows that his father can be difficult.

I don't blame BIL to be honest.

I don’t blame FIL one bit and neither should you.

Sort the care out and leave him to it. Step back.

"I am angry with BIL, he has significantly more time than us, fewer commitments but refuses to do a thing."

But that doesn't mean that you have to do anything-especially if FIL is capable but won't do stuff.

I agree with a pp-if he is capable of making decisions, you have to leave him to it.

It might show that actually he's not capable of making choices about his care.

None of you blame bil who's too lazy to even pay the paper bill? I despair.

I on the face of it have less commitments than my brother.

I have invisible issues and I’m just not temperamentally suited to caring for my dad. And I recognise that and organise accordingly.

And no one. No one. Has the right to judge me for that.