To refuse to do anything ever again for FIL

[Wheresthel1ght]

FIL is 87, lives alone, ok health wise albeit a bit of arthritis, very mild blood pressure issue and hard of hearing. Has always been a bit forgetful and worse since MIL died.

About 2 years ago after a near miss with a bus he gave up his car and since then has literally sat and rotted in his chair. We take him out whenever we can but otherwise he has refused to leave the house. We suspected depression and his gp spoke with him, agreed and he now takes a mild Ad. Except he forgets to take them. SIL1 was diagnosed with terminal cancer in April. It has all fallen to me and dp. BIL does sod all, never comes over, never helps and always has an excuse. Dp and I work full time and have kids. BIL kids are all adults (dp was a menopause baby so 15*years younger than siblings). Fine I don't have an issue, BIL will have to justify to himself when anything happens. I have arranged carers because I just don't have time to be there every day.

However, I am currently off work so have been going over more, cleaning house etc. Today I have been and done his shopping. Cleaned his house, done his washing etc. Carer arrived and helped out. And FIL had the nerve to tell her he had no idea who I was. Luckily I had explained who I was when she arrived as she hadn't been before. But I am livid. Had she taken him at his word it could have been horrendous. I work in an area that requires a dbs so I could have lost my job and everything.

He think he was being funny but I am. So angry. I do everything for him with absolutely no thanks. SIL2 (BIL wife) refuses to have anything to do with him and I am. Starting to understand why.

Can I legitimately refuse to do any more!

Dp is livid and having a word but still.

You obviously help out because you must live a short distance. Secondly, you probably have some guilt that you should be helping. What would FIL do if you lived a long distance away ? Cleaners can be asked to do the washing tasks and some light cleaning. I would agree that other family members should be helping more or more out sourcing. What would happen if you were I'll or go away on holiday ?

Wow massive over reaction to what your fil said.
When was he last assessed for dementia?

Yes blackoutblinds but do you actually mean you couldn’t pay the paper bill? That’s not temperamentally unsuited to caring. That’s fundamentally a self centred useless person.

I have a lot going on in my own life and it might slip my mind.

Slip your mind when the newsagent is repeatedly calling you to remind you?

@Ferrylaugh7 - actually we live about the same distance away as BIL - I think there is just over a miles difference. Holidays - we discussed with BIL in the summer and he assured us he would go 3 times a week and see his dad and would sort his washing out. I had done enough shopping to last him. We discovered when we got back that SIL1 had gone over on a good day during her chemo and it ended with her having to sort him out as BIL hadn't bothered. When she called him to ask when he had last been to their dad he denied all knowledge of us being away.

@Blackoutblinds I appreciate that not everyone is capable of taking on a caring role. However, I would assume that you would be able to carry some of the load and do something as straight forward as do his food shop or pay a paper bill ? Maybe take him to a GP appointment or god forbid, visit and have a chat with him? And as you say you have organised accordingly. BIL has done none of this in spite of his argument that he was the only one able to do the finances side.

I am in the process of arranging for some repairs to be carried out at the house and once that is done I think a cleaner is going to have to be the way to go. At the moment all my time with FIL is spent moping up after him (family trait I think - leaving a trail of detritus everywhere they go) I have no doubt he is frustrated that I don't get as much time to take him out as I am busy making sure he can stay in his house as long as possible.

We have discussed a home with him, I spoke to him last week. He refuses. However, as a result he has finally agreed to have his bathroom redone - it is about 40 years since it was last touched and it shows. it isn't practical for him now as it only has a bath. there is a shower tap thing and a bath seat but it just isn't safe for him really.

When I go back to work a cleaner will be needed I think. The issue there being most around here are not native English speakers. FIL is a man of his generation and has absolutely no filter nothing to do with dementia always been the same he has some very bigoted views and thinks nothing of voicing them. I was hoping he would go to a day centre so we could arrange it for the same time and thus avoid any embarrassment but it was an epic fail.