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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to do anything ever again for FIL

131 replies

Wheresthel1ght · 10/10/2018 14:52

FIL is 87, lives alone, ok health wise albeit a bit of arthritis, very mild blood pressure issue and hard of hearing. Has always been a bit forgetful and worse since MIL died.

About 2 years ago after a near miss with a bus he gave up his car and since then has literally sat and rotted in his chair. We take him out whenever we can but otherwise he has refused to leave the house. We suspected depression and his gp spoke with him, agreed and he now takes a mild Ad. Except he forgets to take them. SIL1 was diagnosed with terminal cancer in April. It has all fallen to me and dp. BIL does sod all, never comes over, never helps and always has an excuse. Dp and I work full time and have kids. BIL kids are all adults (dp was a menopause baby so 15*years younger than siblings). Fine I don't have an issue, BIL will have to justify to himself when anything happens. I have arranged carers because I just don't have time to be there every day.

However, I am currently off work so have been going over more, cleaning house etc. Today I have been and done his shopping. Cleaned his house, done his washing etc. Carer arrived and helped out. And FIL had the nerve to tell her he had no idea who I was. Luckily I had explained who I was when she arrived as she hadn't been before. But I am livid. Had she taken him at his word it could have been horrendous. I work in an area that requires a dbs so I could have lost my job and everything.

He think he was being funny but I am. So angry. I do everything for him with absolutely no thanks. SIL2 (BIL wife) refuses to have anything to do with him and I am. Starting to understand why.

Can I legitimately refuse to do any more!

Dp is livid and having a word but still.

OP posts:

Iwantplaits · 10/10/2018 16:33

Why would you lose your job when I'm sure you and famiky could prove he is your FIL??

Sounds like it's getting harder looking after him. Tell your DP and get him to sort out with his siblings more care to release you from the expectations you will do it.

PostNotInHaste · 10/10/2018 16:37

When you say he’s been assessed by his GP practice ? If so that can be very cursory and my Mum walked that one, it was only when she got to a memory clinic and a long assessment that it was picked up. She was unable to live independently but able to score 27 out of 30 on one test which is pretty much normal, however hugely lower on other tests.

maygirl27 · 10/10/2018 16:42

Sorry, OP, but I think your father-in-law might have the onset of dementia. As other poster's have said, people are good at covering. I think he needs to see the GP again.

mumsastudent · 10/10/2018 16:44

Yup look at Trump he managed to pass!!! Seriously, you are stressed - so his heavy handed humour didn't work for you - I think romany may have made a sensible suggestion. It might be time to consider supported living of some type - not necessarily care/nursing homes but supported flats.

roundaboutthetown · 10/10/2018 16:48

I think you are overreacting because you are tired and stressed out. Of course he couldn't have cost you your job by pretending he didn't know who you were - it would take seconds to prove he's your fil. Accusing you of abusing him or stealing off him would be another matter, of course, but he didn't do that. I'm also not sure why you are so convinced he doesn't have dementia. You took him to the GP with suspected depression. How long ago was that, has he been back since, have you spoken to the GP about dementia or just about depression? What tests have been done?
Tbh, I do not blame you at all for wanting to step back, but this one incident is not a great excuse to do that, as I don't think it is fair to blame your fil for the decision. The incident is just evidence that you need to step back because it is all getting too much for you, not that he is an ungrateful old bastard who doesn't deserve any help.

AngelsSins · 10/10/2018 16:57

You sound unhinged

So OP, runs herself ragged looking after a man she’s not even related to, so that another man doesn’t have to look after his own father, and she’s the “unhinged” one when she gets stressed out. Of course she is, it’s womens job to run around after men with a smile on their face and never complain isn’t it?

AngelsSins · 10/10/2018 16:58

*by related, I mean blood relative, i.e father.

CurcubitaPepo · 10/10/2018 17:00

Surely for something to show up on a dbs you would need to be cautioned / charged / convicted of something. What could they possibly have charged you with??

Original poster

Wheresthel1ght · 10/10/2018 17:00

When and who he has seen is irrelevant. He has been assessed and found not to have it.

He is fully aware of what he has done because as soon as dp said something this afternoon about him upsetting me he was fully able to explain to dp what he had said and also mentioned that he had made similar jokes every time I have been lately.

As for unhinged.... How absolutely disgusting and I will be reporting. You have no right. I am stressed, angry and upset. And actually had he continued with his pathetic joke, because he wouldn't have backed down and looked stupid, I very much could have been in trouble with work.

OP posts:

Blackoutblinds · 10/10/2018 17:03

You’re stressed out if your mind.

Step back and concentrate on yourself.

You can’t expect anyone else to do more then they are prepared to do

Good luck. 💐

diddl · 10/10/2018 17:06

Honestly Op, if it's too much or you just don't want to any more, then stop & let someone else either take over or sort help for him.

FilledSoda · 10/10/2018 17:08

Okay , so for arguments sake let's say he's an ungrateful old man and he made a stupid joke, that doesn't change anything, the point is you are at your wits end because you have assumed responsibility for him and you've taken on too much.
Stop doing it.

RandomMess · 10/10/2018 17:13

Is he generally derogatory about you and your efforts to help him and this is why the "joke" isn't funny?

Original poster

Wheresthel1ght · 10/10/2018 17:13

Unfortunately the burden will always fall to us.

He is perfectly fine to be at home, he doesn't want to go into a home (it has been tabled as an option) and is perfectly capable of chucking a tub in the microwave. His arthritis means he can't bend to out things in the washer or to peg them out.

The meds forgetting thinking back is probably less forgetting and more refusing to admit the needs them. He is incredibly vain. He refuses to use his mobility scooter because "people will think I'm lazy" and insists on not using his hearing aids because his hearing is getting better the deafening volume of the TV suggests otherwise

His arthritis has got worse because he doesn't do anything. Fell on ice and been frightened it would happen again so refused to do anything for himself. His world has shrunk and I get that. He forgets because he has little simulation which is mostly why he has carers go in.

He won't have a cleaner because he says he can do it himself, he can but doesn't.

He has full capacity so we are unable to force anything and why make him miserable? He is happy, he just pisses me off with stupid jokes.

I am calmer now and the job thing is probably an overreaction but considering what else he could be saying to people I am not sure I trust him not to accuse me of abusing him.

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 10/10/2018 17:17

If you need to put some distance between yourself and him do so.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/10/2018 17:18

RomanyRoots
"You could tell the family that you can't do it anymore and he needs to sell his home for care fees. Maybe they'll up their game when they see their inheritance go."
I think this would be the best thing for your FIL. Although it doesn't matter if your lazyfucker BIL did up his game, I still think it would be best for your FIL.

He does not leave the house except with you and your DH. I'm guessing that at 87 some of his friends will have predeceased him, some will be mobility-restricted - does he have any social life at all? Any non-family visitors? A care home could look after his needs and maybe provide some social interaction for him.

It could also improve your relationship with him. You will no longer resent having to do everything for him, you can visit without looking round to see what you have to do for him now.

And of course, you will no longer be exhausted by shouldering these responsibilities. Because you do sound exhausted.

I would start looking into care homes.

HolesinTheSoles · 10/10/2018 17:18

When and who he has seen is irrelevant. He has been assessed and found not to have it.

Of course it isn't irrelevant. If he was seen by a GP he may well still have it. If he was assessed a year a go he may still have it. People keep repeating it because you don't appear very resistant to accepting it's a possibility.

OP even if it was a joke it was nothing more than a bit silly. Honestly there is no way a carer is going to report someone in FiL's house who is clearly helping out and can very easily prove her relation to FiL. It would take minutes to clear up any confusion.

What does come across is that you are incredibly resentful - you're over worked and this small incident has become the straw that broke the camel's back. Look at long term solutions for FiL that don't involve you putting in so many hours. It's probably not good for either of you to spend so much time together.

Olderbyaminute · 10/10/2018 17:22

I am very confused at your fear for being fired-if he is actually a family member can’t you explain this to your bosses? My gosh how can you be sacked over his asinine passive aggressive “joke?”

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/10/2018 17:24

Ah, major cross post . He doesn't want to move to a care home.

In which case, my Plan B is just to leave him to it. Carers are going in, you not being his whipping boy will not result in his mummified remains being found in 6 months.

I'd just tell him that you were hurt by his joke, but on the upside it has made you realise that you resent exhausting yourself on his care when he is so unappreciative, and that you will henceforth be stepping back.He's made it clear to you that he'd prefer you not to be there, so you won't be.

And do it. Step back.

roundaboutthetown · 10/10/2018 17:24

Basically, OP, he is an aggravating, frail old man who is not even your blood relative and who is probably doing a bit of lashing out at you because he feels unloved by his blood relatives and unhappy, and you're the one there to take the abuse. It sounds a sad situation for everyone. Take a step back, not because of this incident, but because you have to in order to preserve your own sanity and regain the empathy you obviously normally have to have got yourself into this stressful mess in the first place!

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/10/2018 17:25

He'se it? He's made it!

roundaboutthetown · 10/10/2018 17:26

(Although I probably would ask for him to be assessed again, as it is so hard to tell whether someone of that age is dementing slowly, or "just" depressed).

MapleLeafRag · 10/10/2018 17:28

Tell him that as he sees you as a joke, the lack of respect has hurt your feelings so you will be stepping back from now on.

Redshoeblueshoe · 10/10/2018 17:29

You need to stop doing it.
You need to put yourself and your Dc first.
Sil is irrelevant.
This is for your DH and his DB to sort out

Sarahjconnor · 10/10/2018 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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