AIBU to not have my grandson 5 days a week?

[Liliana75]

Hi, my grandson is 2 years old. He's a lot of hard work but lovely of course. My daughter is in her late 20s and was doing well for herself working as a care assistant and providing for her son. He goes nursery 2 times a week and I have him on a Friday which completely tires me out. My daughter has just started an access course at college and doesn't do her job anymore but is a delivery person from 5pm-10pm and my grandson goes with her which isn't ideal but I just can't have him all those times 5 days a week but it works ok for now but I had to ask what she will do when she goes to university as she plans to be a paramedic!! She says she was hoping I'd help. I absolutely love my daughter but that's very expecting and I just can't have him for 3 days a week and she will need to still work the evenings too and will probably want me to have him more. I can't do it all. AIBU?

@ellyes the child’s mum is obviously desperate? Would you rather her give up work and go on benefits? There’s just no winning in this world is there.

I also think so many of them will have a rude awakening when their kids are older, and they get a bit fed up of their demanding old parents and think "actually, where the hell were you when I needed you? This is my time now"

My mum had loads of help from her mil (my grandma!!) We were there nearly every day with my cousins throughout the school holidays. My mum does nothing at all for me and is retired. It makes me sick too. The baby boomers have had it easy compared to our generation.

The answer here is clear, the daughter needs to go on benefits because she isn't really making ends meet at the end of the month. She can't afford this shitty situation as a carer and can't better herself yet, she can come off benefit when he goes to school.

Has the OP come back at all? I do hope she hasn't been put off by people who don't know her telling her she is selfish for not looking after her grandson 5 evenings per week plus other childcare. Those of you who pride yourselves on being "caring" and "compassionate" could have a look at how you have expressed your saintliness on this thread.

My mum does nothing at all for me and is retired. It makes me sick too.

Aaahhhh... your Posts now make alot more sense

I agree 100%

I’m really wary of grouping a generation together - there are many many ‘baby boomers’ that do an awful lot for their families - my mil being one of them.

My mum unfortunately was a hippy so resented being tied down with kids and promised herself she’d never be burdened by caring for others - ironically while accepting an enormous amount of help herself. She is a lovely woman, to meet her most people think she’s great and I always knew I was loved...she does take slightly too much enjoyment in watching me struggle at times (not majorly struggle - just no free time or time with my husband) declares that’s what having kids is like - but it wasn’t for her! She was out every weekend and worked Monday-Friday because of my nana!

Talking to friends my age it seems the majority of grandparents feel the same and have been little help during their (comfortable) retirements. They’re all approaching or over 70 now though, starting to need a bit more help and it’s being given because we love them...could have done with a bit of help ourselves though.

My DD is 2, the only person I leave her with is my husband. We chose to have her so we have her!!.... what is she going to do when she's a paramedic and she's working a 12-15 hour shift? She can't rely on you for the rest of her child's young life so I think you need to sit down and have a chat with her

Gemini

People post on here for exactly that - to wonder about their situation,share with others and ask what they would do and indeed if she is BU? she needed to question her thoughts and asked Mumsnet and that's what everyone has done!! It gives an insight to others views that's all. No one is taking sides it's just the way discussions go. To help or not to help.

Gemini 😊

Well. maybe it’s just me but I think you should put those you love before yourself

Only if you are a mother, of course. Fathers and adult offspring get a free pass on this.

Isn't it about time we stopped telling women to put everyone else ahead of themselves?

Couldn’t agree more choli - obviously the OP hasn’t returned so we don’t know if there’s a father about, a grandfather that could help or even a sister or brother that could lend a hand over the next year or two, giving the daughter chance to build a better life for her son.
I agree with others it’s debatable whether or not working paramedic shifts will Work but perhaps the daughter has a plan?
Funnily enough it’s my dad who is far more keen to engage with the grandchildren than my mum and my fil would babysit by himself but my mil always worry’s if she’s not around!

As a mum this is what I do, to the point I get no ' me time'- ever, and some parents I know say that's wrong and are flabbergasted I don't go out with the girls as a priority but that's what I want to do. That's me in general. I feel better for helping people and now I live for my children as simple as that. I know this will continue if I become a gp without me even thinking 'I need a life too'

So what will you do if or when your children go away to university or move away for work, and aren't around for you to live for? Or maybe don't want you to live for them, but would rather you had your own interests? You do need to have a life. It's not healthy never to have any 'me time' or to focus on one aspect of your life to the exclusion of everything else.

Choli. I put my children and husband ahead of myself because I want to. I'm naturally kind. I did before I was a mother. I do it more with people who deserve it. Equally my husband does with us too. I don't do it because people say I should! You can't put what's not there though with some people. That's why I don't put my own mothers needs before my mine because it's not reciprocated.

as a mother i am willing to do anything at my expense for my child even grandchildren but only if they appreciate it and willing to work hard to improve their lives and their children. this is not for everybody. if you dont want to, just explain what you can do and what you cant. you shouldnt let her drag a little ones on her delivery. i am sure you would care and love your grandchild enough to make sure the little one actually have a better childhood. surely you and your daughter can work out a plan when the child will be asleep by 6/7pm and you can rest. its all about disipline and routine for the little ones. it can be real easy or hard depending on how you manage it. parenthood is not for everyone and i am sure you probably felt its too much. maybe she can pay you a bit of money for your time to help out. show her what you need in order for you to help? you have to appreciate that she is having a rough time and because she trusted you or have no other options. who else can she rely on? as parents, we are suppose to be there for our kids whether they are grown up or not.

Just tell her to put things on hold until he is older, I went uni when mine were 7 and 8. She is being unrealistic and only you can tell her that. Out for 5 hours every night with a child that young is not fair to him.

MissLingoss. When my children fly the nest then I will have a breather...and be there for them should they still need me. It will continue.
For now they are my priority and that's what makes me happy.
I've had my fun and freedom earlier from being an older mum so now I don't feel the need for ' me me me time ' This makes me happy. I don't moan and whinge that ' I need a life ' as this IS my life. I chose to have children.
But I can't possibly expect self centred people to understand this.
And that's where the problem lies.

Adult children go back home with depression, breakdowns, financial problems etc. And they should expect their parents to be there for them - If they’re not and they could be then they don’t deserve to be parents

I do understand what you're saying above - but there's also the counter-argument that once children are adults, they should try to resolve their own problems, rather than asking older, (possibly elderly and unwell) parents, to help them out. Unless it's truly desperate, like they're about to be made homeless.

I had a bad episode with anxiety last year, close to a breakdown. I didn't tell my elderly Dad/DSM until I was having treatment and feeling better. It would worry them too much. I didn't even tell DH how bad I felt, but said I needed help and made a doctor's appointment. Again, I didn't want to cause him worry and stress.

Same when DH's job was in jeopardy over the summer. Just told everyone that work was stressful at the mo and changed the subject.

We thought that was the most caring approach, not burdening older adults with our problems. Do other adults share everything with their parents?

And that's where the problem lies.

Don't be so bloody patronising. My mum was an older mum to me. She was fine with her older grandchildren (although still working, she still helped a lot). Now I have a young child and she's in her mid 70s, it's simply not possible for her to look after a small child for more than a few hours at a time. And that knocks her out for days.

Hopefully you'll still be going strong, but clearly OP finds even one day a struggle.

But I can't possibly expect self centred people to understand this

So anyone who doesn’t drop everything to have their grandchildren virtually full time is self centred?

I call absolute bullshit.

We thought that was the most caring approach, not burdening older adults with our problems. Do other adults share everything with their parents?
Most adults I know don't. Though I do know several women who like to keep their adult offspring dependant on them because it makes them feel important and needed. They deliberately never taught their kids adult coping skills.

I'm with thegreylady no way would I let my daughter drive a 2yr around at night as i'i'v said i have my granddaughters the 3 yr often ends up in my bed and sleeps in my bed every weekend and I'm 64

We don’t burden parents or in laws with regular issues that many people face (a recent health scare, business concerns or temporary financial woes) but something like the daughters OP, looking to improve their situation and requiring help, I’d say that the kind of thing you can/should ‘burden’ your family with.