AIBU to not have my grandson 5 days a week?

[Liliana75]

Hi, my grandson is 2 years old. He's a lot of hard work but lovely of course. My daughter is in her late 20s and was doing well for herself working as a care assistant and providing for her son. He goes nursery 2 times a week and I have him on a Friday which completely tires me out. My daughter has just started an access course at college and doesn't do her job anymore but is a delivery person from 5pm-10pm and my grandson goes with her which isn't ideal but I just can't have him all those times 5 days a week but it works ok for now but I had to ask what she will do when she goes to university as she plans to be a paramedic!! She says she was hoping I'd help. I absolutely love my daughter but that's very expecting and I just can't have him for 3 days a week and she will need to still work the evenings too and will probably want me to have him more. I can't do it all. AIBU?

Your daughter is providing a more sustainable future not just for herself, but for you and your grandchild. Plus wanting to give her time to dedicate to a service that is greatly dependant on people who care about others...yep. she's so selfish?! Right?

This is bonkers!!!!

She’s responsible for the child she brought into the world.

I can’t believe how many selfish people there are out there. Parents should want to help their kids and grandkids. If you can’t be bothered to be there until the end then why bother at all? I’m wondering what the eulogy will be of many mums in the future “here lies xxx, a mum who did her time looking after her kids but didn’t enjoy it that much, then as they became adults and had their own kids, decided it was “her time” and stuff the lot of them, she will be sorely missed???”

Are you saying the op is being selfish?

Yes I am.

Oh FFs.

It's selfish to just want to look after your grandchild 1 day a week is it ? Even if you find it tiring, you just struggle on until you collapse should you ? After all as an older person it's your duty to sacrifice yourself for your adult child , even if they choose a profession that appears incompatible with being a single parent.

If the DD had researched what childcare was available and what she could afford then asked OP to fill the gap, then perhaps it would be different. She didn't. Just assumed that granny childcare was available 24/7. We are very scathing of adult DCs who expect money from their parents but apparently OPs time is different.

And the child going out at night should be stopped immediately. Op, could you all live together for a couple of years or so to give the support your daughter needs and the child the stability he needs? Sorry if this just sounds too selfless for most. But that’s what I would do.

It shouldn’t be a duty, it should something a mum wants to do. This would be normal in many, probably happier and less prone to depression, cultures. This country has got things very wrong and peoples’ attitudes on here just demonstrates that.

Well if we're talking about what Mums should do, then perhaps the actual Mum of the very young DC should temper her ambitions and choose a career that is compatible with being a single parent, like a poster earlier upthread chose to do.

You are not been unreasonable at all, you are the grandparent not the parent and 2 year olds are bloody hard work at the best of times. Your daughter really should be exploring how to cover the majority of her working/college hours by using childcare and possibly asking you to cover any odd hours or dropping off/picking up if you can to help with flexibility. Of course you want to see your daughter better herself but not by being her unpaid child minder as that would damage your relationship with them both and isn’t fair. I would look into what help there is for your daughter so you can present her with what options she has and where you can help her out

Unless the child is the result of the immaculate conception there will be a dad involved somewhere. It’s time for her to grow up and have some sort of relationship with the father and get him to step up for his son. The older he gets the less this chaotic lifestyle will work.

I do however commend your daughter on trying to do her best, working training and motherhood is a big juggle so she deserves some help- but not all of it has to come from you.

It’s time for her to grow up and have some sort of relationship with the father and get him to step up for his son

It is not the mother’s responsibility to get the father to parent. I agree, he should be stepping up, absolutely, but let’s not assume it’s her fault he isn’t eh?

Hi,

I would totally help out as much as possible! Your daughter is trying to better herself. It’s a bloody tough world and we absolutely need the support and help of family.

I have been a single mother for 9 years and have struggled incredibly to achieve in life without any support from ‘loved ones’. I thank God every day for mine and my sons life. Everything has turned out perfectly. However I feel extremely resentful of my so called family. Now my son is doing amazingly well and I’m in a very good position my family suddenly want to be involved and pretend to care.

Please!! If you can help your daughter achieve in life, then do. After all our greatest achievement in life is seeing our children and grandchildren succeed and accomplish their dreams.

What is the meaning of family! It’s about being their in times of need, not just for fun etcc....

Although a controversial topic, this is my opinion.

I wish you all the best.

It sounds as though the OP and daughter haven’t actually discussed exactly how much more help she thinks she’ll need - the daughter has been flamed on here by some yet might not actually be expecting as much as the OP fears. Perhaps they should just sit down and have a chat?

Maybe it will amount to a years more intensive help which could then be reduced - not much to ask in the grand scheme of family relations. It sounds as if her goal as a paramedic might prove tricky shift wise and it’s perfectly reasonable not to want to commit to 10 years of full time child care - to not want to help at all in the short to medium term is very mean.

To those saying that it’s too exhausting running after a two year old in your 40s - that’s insane!! Unless there are medical problems then you should be in your prime. I’m 37 and my youngest is 6 but I have many friends in their later 30s and 40s just starting families. I think pregnancy gets a bit tougher the older you get but you shouldn’t be dramatically more worn out than a younger woman actually caring for a child. Don’t resign yourself to being old and knackered in your 40s!

That said, we’ve no idea how old the OP is - Shane she won’t come back and offer some insight to many of the points raised.

@ohshitonit. Are you calling me a shit parent for wanting to work part time? Not that is shitty rude!

The dd is obviously desperate to make a better life for her and her son. The welfare of her son is of paramount importance but that’s where family should step in to help. It sounds like dd is on her own and no one knows what’s happened with the dad so we can’t judge anything there. Someone mentioned this would benefit op too and I agree. I’m sure dd would be eternally grateful for her mums help and would look after her with holidays etc and improve her life. I think it’s very sad that so many place such little value on family. It sounds like they (op and dd) are both on their own in terms of relationships so I don’t see why they can’t pull together and help each other in this tough world we live in. It’s not about obligation, duty etc etc this is her family. It sounds like a lot of people don’t give a shit about family. She’s not a friend she’s talking about, she’s her own flesh and blood and if she needs her mum then she should help her.

She takes her child with her to a delivery job? This means she leaves him alone in the car while she delivers ( something). At night. Do her employers know? It sounds barking.
Did you know you can get free childcare between ages 2-4?
What on earth is going on here? You need to do some research online and find out what proper assistance is available, including working taxcredits, grants etc.
TBH a child that age should be in bed a lot earlier than 10pm

Also there are lots of mums working in theNHS on shift work. They are good mums and I’m sure their support comes in all shapes and sizes. Our society has become self-centered and selfish. I think the lack of family support network compared to other countries puts a massive strain on parents with young kids. We are getting a Suicide Minister!! What does that tell you about the state of our country? Mental health is dreadful. People have no one to turn to. The dd has her mum so she should help. The OP obviously hasn’t liked a lot of what’s been said. Not heard from her in a while.

You are being unreasonable in my opinion. You think it’s hard work looking after him? Imagine what your daughter is going through trying to provide for them by going to work and then handling him. My mum is like you. Won’t help out at all and just pops round to see me falling apart because it’s to much. What is with people like you who have kids and won’t help when you can?

JuJu2017 your mum has NO obligation whatsoever to help out with the child YOU decided to have. The sense of entitlement is horrific.

Some people won't be happy until the op's worked herself into the ground looking after the child.

I worked for 3 years on an ambulance and was accepted to do Paramedic Science at university, then I had my daughter. My husband works away a lot and had an unpredictable schedule, I have no family nearby and have to plan childcare as though I were single. Paramedics work a rolling shift pattern which is virtually impossible for childcare. I realised that unless I wanted an au pair, being a paramedic with my home situation was going to be too difficult. She needs to think about the practicalities of working in a job like that.

Guess you should just tell her to go on benefits so she can stay at home with her child and wait for school to start to get a job, then she can come on here and get berated for doing so

It’s really not entitlement to want some help from your mum (or Dad for that matter)!!
If you are part of a normal loving family - obviously lots of people aren’t unfortunately - then helping each other out should be the given. Not to the point of tiring each other out but reaching for help shouldn’t be seen as entitlement.
My own mum had all kinds of help from her mum, my parents were divorced for years until remarrying, my nana lived with us and my mum not only worked but enjoyed a very healthy social life. In my nanas old age my mum resented caring for her which was very sad, she has since been a very distant grandmother - says all the right things about loving them but doesn’t want to help in any way. At 70 her health is starting to decline a bit, they live abroad and it’s pretty clear this is going to cost me emotionally and financially.

Don’t flame me because I clearly do not mean ALL people but it strikes me as a baby boomer generational thing - to have shaken off the ‘shackles’ of responsibility and be enjoying their lives. The previous and subsequent generations can see that this doesn’t work, we need each other. My generation are raising children with little help from their elders but will also bear the burden for caring for our parents.
Again - doesn’t fit all situations but anecdotally it’s something I see very much among my friends.

You need to do some research online and find out what proper assistance is available, including working taxcredits, grants etc.

Why on earth should it be up to the op to do this? Her dd is a grown woman, who wants to train for a demanding career. She should be capable of taking responsibility for herself and her child. Why are so many people on this thread infantilising her?

I agree. There’s lots of them around in that generation, my mum is the same. Our generation are pretty screwed all round.

Also, I think the term entitled is completely over-used on mn. It’s not a proper thread unless there’s at least four comments about someone being ‘entitled’. Your mum and dad should do anything for you. No matter what your age. That’s what being a parent is about. It doesn’t finish when they turn 18. Not unless you’re completely selfish of course.