AIBU to not have my grandson 5 days a week?

[Liliana75]

Hi, my grandson is 2 years old. He's a lot of hard work but lovely of course. My daughter is in her late 20s and was doing well for herself working as a care assistant and providing for her son. He goes nursery 2 times a week and I have him on a Friday which completely tires me out. My daughter has just started an access course at college and doesn't do her job anymore but is a delivery person from 5pm-10pm and my grandson goes with her which isn't ideal but I just can't have him all those times 5 days a week but it works ok for now but I had to ask what she will do when she goes to university as she plans to be a paramedic!! She says she was hoping I'd help. I absolutely love my daughter but that's very expecting and I just can't have him for 3 days a week and she will need to still work the evenings too and will probably want me to have him more. I can't do it all. AIBU?

MissLingoss I do agree with that. The daughter needs to be finding a combination of child care - perhaps that is her plan though, it doesn’t appear that the op has really spoken to her properly about it.

I think the OP is getting a hard time because she is being unreasonable in not wanting to help more at all - I’m sure there is a compromise that doesn’t involve full time child care.

What is wrong with people?? You SHOULD want to help your kids!!!!???? It’s called being a loving, caring parent. It’s nothing to do with be obliged to do it. Why wouldn’t you want to help your own kids. It’s weird.

Sb74 the daughter of the OP CHOSE to have a child. It shouldn't fall to the OP to be bailing her out with childcare when she wants to palm her kid off!?

Wow makeahouseahome - pretty sure the OP chose to have a daughter too, create a family, may we’ll have had help herself at some point. If you can’t tirn to your family for help (presuming they get on well) then it’s a very sad situation.

Completely agree clyd.

This isn't can you help out here and there. This is expecting full blown childcare. EXPECTING being a key word - not even asking or discussing. Two entirely different things.

There's help and there's basically taking over the parenting. Which is what some people seem to want the op to do.

Why isn't the op allowed her own life, yanno, maybe making her own choices?
I'm pretty sure she didn't sign up to be an unpaid nanny.

I feel sorry for OP being guilted into this. I have a 2yo and its damn hard work. Even if it's just a few hours a night, it's hard work!

What if op has plans, wants to meet friends, wants to have a life??
As much as she would like to help here and there it shouldnt be an obligation that's might turn into resentment.

Her daughter shouldn't make such a huge decision on studying something that is a massive obligation to her mother. Thats extremely selfish. It reminds me of some friends of mine who think that's what their parents are around for, that it's a privilege to be taking care of the grandkids.

No, but she signed up to bring a mum.

Being

”Your mum and dad should do anything for you. No matter what your age. That’s what being a parent is about.”

I won’t be taking that approach with my children and I’m very glad my parents didn’t take that approach with me. Imagine how completely incapable I’d be as an adult! How infantalising!

The daughter obviously sees her mum with all this time on her hands so why wouldn't she not think she'd help and do the childcare? She can't be too old or ill as surely she wouldn't have presumed she was able to do it in the first place ?

There seems to be a very clear difference in opinions of the older generation on here,either they're all in helping out doing as much as they possibly can because they wouldn't think otherwise and therefore having good relationships with their gcs plus saving the parents unnecessary fees then there are the others who are not even going to consider helping as it's not ' their concern '.

The OP hasn’t been very clear on exactly what the daughter is ‘expecting’ just that obviously she’d like more help. Was she even ‘expecting’ or was it more broaching the topic or even hoping.
The OP simply hasn’t said enough about the daughters exact expectations/requirements for anyone to think badly of her yet. Is she really expecting full time child care - I think the OP is very unreasonable not to help her daughter more in a short to medium term capacity while she betters her situation but full time child care is too much of an ask. OP needs to actually talk to her daughter and find out what she needs and then perhaps they can figure it out.

If you find him hard work I presume he's not the kind of child to sit quietly for ages, so how on earth is she having him in a car for 5 hours doing deliveries?
Is he asleep or screaming the whole time?
And is this a one drop off delivery or is she delivering to people's houses and leaving him alone in the car?
I can't see any way that she's doing that without it being quite concerning about the care your DGS is receiving. In your position I would offer to help for a bit while she finds a new job and childcare, but him being in the van for 5 hours a night sounds neglectful.

Well. maybe it’s just me but I think you should put those you love before yourself. Especially in times of need. Her dd must feel pretty desperate to do what she is doing. The daughter will probably feel resentful for the lack of support too. So what you’re saying is that the op should just get on with her life, dip in and out of helping as it suits her, enjoying laughing and joking with her friends as it’s all of “their time” now they’ve got rid of their pain the arse kids - not a care in the world - but meanwhile she’s fully aware that her daughter is desperately trying to make her and sons life better, getting better than a minimum wage lifestyle for them, working all hours, probably feeling really bad and stressed about having to take her son out with her (coz her mums just having too much fun with her friends to be arsed to stay at home while the grandchild sleeps?). I’m not sure I could enjoy my life like that knowing what my child was going through

It’s not your job to raise her child. If you can help then that’s great but she shouldn’t expect or demand it.

It's wrong of her to assume you'll be available to do it.

Flowery. I feel sorry for you if that’s how you view family.

That’s one of the problems with people with mental health issues in this country. If families did actually help each other unconditionally it would be a different place but as it is not many give a shit it seems. Lots of peoplehave times they need to reach out to people for support that’s above and beyond the norm. Adult children go back home with depression, breakdowns, financial problems etc. And they should expect their parents to be there for them - If they’re not and they could be then they don’t deserve to be parents.

I think this helping out or not boils down to what kind of person in general you are as sb74 says, putting others before yourself etc. As a mum this is what I do, to the point I get no ' me time'- ever, and some parents I know say that's wrong and are flabbergasted I don't go out with the girls as a priority but that's what I want to do. That's me in general. I feel better for helping people and now I live for my children as simple as that. I know this will continue if I become a gp without me even thinking ' I need a life too'

By the way I don't get any gp help either. Never been offered as they're too busy having their lives.

That’s exactly how I feel too whitewardrobes.

@makeahouseahome, I don’t have a sense of entitlement at all I just believe that you don’t stop being a parent when you reach a certaina age and you should help out when your kids are struggling. My mum doesn’t work and literally pops her head in the door while I’m juggling two kids working and studying to tell me how badly I’m doing and how much of a mess my house is. It sounds like ops daughter is trying to do the very best she can and isn’t getting much support.

noideawhattodonow I truly admire you! What great advice! I agree this daughter is taking her mother for granted. The 2 yr old should not be up till 10 delivering things with her either. She needs to get herself organised before starting all her new ventures. The child is her first priority. He must feel as if mummy doesn't want him.

Don’t flame me because I clearly do not mean ALL people but it strikes me as a baby boomer generational thing - to have shaken off the ‘shackles’ of responsibility and be enjoying their lives. The previous and subsequent generations can see that this doesn’t work, we need each other. My generation are raising children with little help from their elders but will also bear the burden for caring for our parents.
Again - doesn’t fit all situations but anecdotally it’s something I see very much among my friends.

Clyd this is so true. It is a baby boomer thing. Most of them had so much help off their parents, my mil worked 5 days a week and both grandparents shared the kids between the week, she barely saw her kids.
Seems a really common situation.
But yeah, they enjoy their retirement and live care free, enjoying their time. It makes me feel sick. How could you accept the care from your own parents and then not carry that on with your own kids?

What an awful thing to say. I’m sure the child doesn’t feel that way. I’m sure the dd is doing it for her son. I work hard so my kids have a nice life. They’re my priority in everything I do and I am sure he is for dd. She just needs some help.