AIBU to not have my grandson 5 days a week?

[Liliana75]

Hi, my grandson is 2 years old. He's a lot of hard work but lovely of course. My daughter is in her late 20s and was doing well for herself working as a care assistant and providing for her son. He goes nursery 2 times a week and I have him on a Friday which completely tires me out. My daughter has just started an access course at college and doesn't do her job anymore but is a delivery person from 5pm-10pm and my grandson goes with her which isn't ideal but I just can't have him all those times 5 days a week but it works ok for now but I had to ask what she will do when she goes to university as she plans to be a paramedic!! She says she was hoping I'd help. I absolutely love my daughter but that's very expecting and I just can't have him for 3 days a week and she will need to still work the evenings too and will probably want me to have him more. I can't do it all. AIBU?

@clyd

I know childcare for a loved grandchild isn't a "burden" exactly, but 5 days a week is a huge ask. I couldn't possibly ask either set of gps to do this, it would massively impact their lives (and they;re both couples - I'm assuming the OP is single).

Plus I know they wouldn't do it!

yanbu, but poor child, he has to sit in a car for 5 hours :( I wouldn’t do that to my son unless I’m really desperate, and my mum wouldn’t just watch if I did.

I’ve alread said asking anyone to do 5 days a week is too much - the OP has stated she won’t do more than one day, that’s the unreasonable bit.
The OP hasn’t actually said that the daughter has specifically asked for the full 5 days, just more help, it doesn’t sound like they’ve had a proper conversation about it tbh.
She’s refusing to have the child on an evening, when he’d be in bed, so the daughter is driving him around until 10pm. It all sounds quite desperate - it’s doubtful that the daughter intended to be a single parent and it sounds like she’s trying to make something of herself.
Without any new information regarding the OPs age, state of health, own relationship status etc, it does seem like she could do more to help and is being unreasonable.

YANBU

Where is the child’s father? The main problem is that he clearly isn’t paying maintenance or doing any care. Could his family help at all?

Your daughter chose to have a child so she needs to look after him even if it means not working for a few years. Could she go back to her care job until her DS goes to school?

I can’t understand you allowing your daughter to drive your grandchild around to strangers’ properties for half the night.

Sounds to me that the only assumption that she’s been wrong to make is that her mum would support her to improve her life chances and those of her son, at a time which sounds like will be the hardest time of her life, and her mum has just come online to ask a load of strangers to defend her entitlement to freedom.

What happened to it taking a village to raise a child? The pp who referred to people having so little support was spot on. Since when were we not allowed to rely on those closest to us in a time of need, as they’ll accuse us of ‘assuming they’ll help’? So depressing.

It won't be a year though. This is what many of you are failing to understand. It will be for years because the DD wants a job that is NOT compatible with being a single parent. The job she wants is shift work of 12/13 hours. THat's a lot of commitment and the op is right to say no.

The DD has already said the op will look after the child when she starts Uni, so that's another 3 years a lot of which will require night care. Read what the paramedics are saying, every other month, the op will be the main carer and take on the role of a full-time parent. And this won't be for a year, but until the child is old enough to be left alone at night.

The selfish one is the DD for putting her son in the situation of being driven around until late. It's the DD who isn't thinking about the child long term and who will look after him when she is working all night and sleeping all day. It's the DD who decided to quit her day job and go to college and get a night job. It's the DD who is expecting her mum to provide an awful lot of childcare over many years.

Yes, single parenting is hard. However, you change your plans to adapt to your situation. I wanted to do something involving shift work, however, because as a single parent with no support from family or the dad I had to change and consider other things. Shit happens and we have to live within our means whether that's financial or household impact.

I can’t understand you allowing your daughter to drive your grandchild around to strangers’ properties for half the night.

She's a grown woman!

I can’t understand you allowing your daughter to drive your grandchild around to strangers’ properties for half the night.

ALLOWING ?????????????????????????????????????????????

”I can’t understand you allowing your daughter to drive your grandchild around to strangers’ properties for half the night.“

I’m certain that if the OP’s DD had asked whether she was “allowed” to do this, the OP would have said no....

Has she actually asked you to do 5 full days? I don't think she's expecting it probably just assuming you would help as her mother? im obviously assuming dad isn't on the scene/doesn't help?

I think YANBU to reject 5 full days- you are not a nursery, however I will go against the grain and say many kind gp's look after 2/3/4 GC on a daily basis and cope because they want to. unless you had your DD later in life I assume you aren't 'old' at all, i'm similar age as your DD and my mum is mid fifties and is as fit as me?

2 yo are hard but not impossible!

however, you ABU to come online and basically slate your daughter for wanting some help off you when she is literally doing everything she can to provide a better life in the long run for her child, something that should be a priority to you as well, as a mother and grandmother, surely you would want that?

and yes, he will be in pre school and then school when shes in university, whether that's in 12 months/18months/2 years, any uni course is usually 3 years, so it would be temporary.

maybe talk and compromise to your DD before coming to strangers when I think you've already made your decision.. if you cant wont help just say no? but then don't be surprised if she comes to you asking for help financially for childcare or because she's had to sack uni off due to lack of childcare..im sure at some point when your DD was young you struggled with childcare, unless you were a SAHM.

its hilarious seeing people say 'its her child she should look after it' on threads, like once you have a child you're completely on your own. maybe parents should be there to help and support when they can, not allow their own children to struggle..

”maybe parents should be there to help and support when they can, not allow their own children to struggle..”

What is it with the “allow” all the time?! The OP’s DD had a stable job, with help with childcare from the OP, but was providing for her child, everything ok.

She has voluntarily chosen to give to her job and to drag her child round in the evening. She wasn’t sacked and couldn’t find more child-friendly employment. This is a choice she has made.

however, you ABU to come online and basically slate your daughter for wanting some help off you when she is literally doing everything she can to provide a better life in the long run for her child, something that should be a priority to you as well, as a mother and grandmother, surely you would want that?

She is not doing everything that she can to provide a better life, she is making an ill informed at best, stupid and selfish at worst, choice of study and career. I see no reason for her mother to facilitate that.

Being a paramedic with 12/13 hours isn't a temporary thing. That's a long-term commitment.

There's financial assistance for Uni childcare as a single parent. The DD could look at other options of going to Uni like the open uni and other Uni's that are now offering courses online.

I’ve followed the whole thread and my goodness, some people are either dimwits or have failed to understand the reality of a paramedic’s life. This is not going to be a temporary arrangement - the only time help will not be needed is when the child is able to stay at home by himself, in about 14 years’ time.

There was a really sensible post a few pages ago from a poster who was in a similar situation to the daughter but because of the particular circumstances of a paramedic’s working life had decided to train for a different career which was also in healthcare but offered more regular hours. Why doesn’t the daughter do the same?

And those people who are saying “well I wouldn’t let my daughter struggle” - so you’d basically be prepared to look after your grandson 5 days a week (to start with) and then for 12 hours at a time in a completely random pattern including nights, weekends and bank holidays for about 10 years after that? Of course you would.

Yup a minimum of 12 hours taking into account commute to/from work and of course sleep the next day.

But all that's not important MrsFezz as it will only be for a year, as then the DD will be able to pack the child into her bag and take the child to work in the pack of the ambulance. Maybe that's what all the cupboards and bags are in the back of ambulances for, the paramedic's children.

MrsFezziwig, you only forgot that the OP should be responsible for training a child used to sleeping/being in a car seat until 10 to go to bed at 6-7pm.

Sb74 Your mum and dad should do anything for you. No matter what your age. That’s what being a parent is about. It doesn’t finish when they turn 18. Not unless you’re completely selfish of course.

Really? They should look after your kids, fund your lifestyle. bite their tongues when they can see you're making a monumental cock up, never, ever be critical, and support you even if you a violent crack head who assaults people?

Your Mum and Dad certainly shouldn't do anything for you. They should do what they think to be right, and what they can afford, emotionally, financially, and time wise. They should not be afraid to give their off spring a boot up the arse when they need it, or to coin an MN phrase, tell them to give their head a wobble when they show a distinct lack of common sense.

Parents don't cease to be an individual and stop having their own existence when they become parents. They don't become subservient slaves or worshippers at the shrine of their off spring. They are still individuals with their own needs, wants, desires and plans.

I'm in my 50s and I don't demand that my Mum does things for me, as it would be crass to ask, and I do things for her...and no, she didn't do regular child care for me when ds was small, as she was still working, and lived 3.5 hours away, so a tad difficult really.

Perhaps most people on here are assuming that if the OPs daughter is intelligent enough to become a paramedic then she’s got a thought or two about how to work it on the long term.

The OP simply hasn’t given enough information, or perhaps not discussed the ins and outs with her daughter sufficiently, for people on here to write off the daughters entire career choice or think her stupid.

No one would expect their mum to do potentially round the clock, shift style, full time child care for 10+ years so I’m going to err on the side of sensible and assume the daughter has a bit more of a plan. From what the OP has said, the daughter is looking for help during university so perhaps we should focus on that?

Your mum and dad should do anything for you. No matter what your age.

Really? Well Mum’s dead, guess she didn’t get the memo that that would inconvenience me. Dad? He works, and spends a lot of time on community work because it’s the only thing that keeps him going after Mum died.

Why should he (and she if she were still alive) put their lives on hold because of decisions I made?

If the long-term plan doesn't include the op, then the dd should put that into effect now so that the child is in bed rather than with her.

And for a big chunk of the 3-year plan, this will be round the clock care because of the placements.

Obviously, if your mum has sadly passed away or you are estranged from your family then you are on your own - that is a sad situation all in itself.

We discussing a presumably fairly well (no health issues mentioned) OP with the time to help (which she would rather keep for herself). A daughter who isn’t asking for babysitting to go out partying but rather to better her situation. A single mum working and struggling on minimum wage. I can’t grasp why a mum (or Dad/brother/sister) wouldn’t offer help.

I’m no saint - I wouldn’t want to do full time round the clock babysitting for over a decade but I would definitely work out a short to medium schedule to get her on her way. It might not be enough, maybe the daughter can’t make it work but I wouldn’t doggedly stick to the one day a week and hope MN would back me up!

What happened to it taking a village to raise a child?

The village got tired of people who are always on the take and who expect free childcare on tap and on their terms only.

Obviously, if your mum has sadly passed away or you are estranged from your family then you are on your own - that is a sad situation all in itself.

I’m not estranged from my dad, how odd that you got that from what I wrote. He sees my kids regularly, often daily. He’s taking DS1 away for half term next week, they all go swimming with him at least once a week. They have a brilliant relationship with him, and he adores them.

What he isn’t is an unpaid babysitter because I don’t have my shit together.

The two are very, very different.

Sorry, that must have come across wrong - I knew you mentioned seeing your dad. I simply meant there are other reasons people may not have help from family ie. bereavement o estrangement.

I didn’t mean you were personally estranged from your dad.

clyd ah ok, I misunderstood.

I still think OP shouldn’t be under any obligation.