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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about nursery calling DD a clever clogs

171 replies

2b1c51 · 10/10/2018 08:46

DD is 4. Just missed out on school this time so still at nursery. She is very bright, and yesterday was doing an activity at nursery that was pretty advanced for her age (not going into details about it as don't want to be accused of this being a stealth boast).

Keyworker obviously told us about it at the end of the day, and on the way home we were praising her for it. However, she got quite upset and said that the staff, and then other kids, had called her a clever clogs. She obviously didn't see this as a good thing (I think because of Peppa Pig- when Edmund is called a clever clogs it doesn't really seem a positive thing).

AIBU to talk to nursery about this? As someone who was bullied through school for being clever I might be oversensitive about this, and it did upset DD. It was probably meant well and I could explain to DD that being clever is a positive thing, but at the same time I just feel that 'clever clogs' isn't a nice term and is a bit unprofessional. Please talk sense to me!

OP posts:
HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 10/10/2018 09:32

I guess it comes down to the tone of voice

Exactly this ^ it is clear from the OPs post that they said it as praise. Whether or not someone uses it as a derogatory comment is not the point, you could turn any words into an insult if said in the wrong way. In this instance it was clearly being used to encourage the child for how clever they had been.

SpottingTheZebras · 10/10/2018 09:33

Anything can be said affectionately or bullyingly.

I think you have passed your own insecurities onto your child, which is really easy to do and I am sure lots of us do so, but it is important to make sure you build up her confidence. How you perceive something makes all the difference when being bullied - if someone says “clever clogs” and you think “yes, I am smart and you are jealous” it will wash off you and put the bully off continuing because they don’t get the reaction they want.

Runningishard · 10/10/2018 09:34

OP I wouldn’t say anything to the nursery but I absolutely get why your daughter was upset. I suspect she has high EI along with high QI and she’ll have known it was a slight dig (and I’d wager it was). I wouldn’t tell her it was meant kindly as that’s ill preparing her for the future. I’d tell her some people are a bit scared of smart people so they can sometimes say things that come across as a bit mean. Tell her to not give it another thought and to keep on being the smartest she can be x

ProfessorMoody · 10/10/2018 09:34

Christ on a bike.

itbemay · 10/10/2018 09:35

Is this real? Shock

InertPotato · 10/10/2018 09:36

I feel very sorry for the nursery staff.

SpacePenguin · 10/10/2018 09:36

I don't think YABU. In my experience this phrase is not used kindly, but is used to put someone in their place and discourage them from sticking their head above the parapet again. I don't like it at all and would be upset if someone called me or my child a clever clogs. Know it all is even worse.

I would talk to the nursery. Not to say 'oh my prescious child' - you've already dealt with that - but to make sure staff are aware of the negative connotations of the phrase that kids who are used to seeing poor Edmund patronised in Peppa will be aware of. If it is a commonly used phrase by teachers and childcare workers, I would want to make sure its used and understood kindly by everyone.

itbemay · 10/10/2018 09:37

@InertPotato I feel sorry for the child... honestly!

tearsdontcare · 10/10/2018 09:37

It's a difficult message to get across to a kid isn't it? "Being clever is a good thing. However, sometimes it will make people dislike you. Sometimes this is because you have accidentally made them feel inferior. Sometimes it because you are deliberately showing off. Sometimes it is because they are nasty people."

adaline · 10/10/2018 09:38

I know exactly where you're coming from. The term "clever clogs" is often used to pick on a child - it's rarely ever used nicely.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 10/10/2018 09:39

she’ll have known it was a slight dig and I’d wager it was

Of course they didn't say it as a dig because she is clever and they are jealous of her FFS is that how little an opinion people have on the people who care for and teach their children. Hmm

PiggyPoos · 10/10/2018 09:43

I don't see Clever Clogs as an insult at all, so the worker might well have just been trying to be nice but there is nothing amiss in saying the term upset her could they avoid it.

WheresTheEvidence · 10/10/2018 09:43

'I could explain to DD that being clever is a positive thing'

If she's 4 and bright why doesn't she know that being clever is a positive thing.

Batteriesallgone · 10/10/2018 09:44

Our preschool asks parents every morning and pick up if there is anything they should know / how the child is feeling! Of course she should briefly mention that her child was embarrassed the other day!

The nursery staff should be given the chance to put it in context as well - OP’s DD could well be feeling a heightened sense of being one of the oldest and feeling a bit ‘different’ anyway due to this. Perhaps there is stuff OP could do out of nursery - babying a child at home, for example, is a good way of making up for them being expected to be self-sufficient and more ‘grown up’ than the others in a formal setting. So putting her clothes on for her, doing stuff she doesn’t ‘need’ done for her. Its a very physical reassurance that she’s still only little and mummy sees that.

Telling a child ‘no you interpreted that wrong’ is a very limited course of action IMO. You can’t dictate someone else’s emotional response.

AllTheChocolateMice · 10/10/2018 09:44

It isn’t a negative thing here. I often call my dc clever clogs when they’ve done good work. I very much doubt the nursery staff were trying to bring a just turned 4 year old down a peg or two

PiggyPoos · 10/10/2018 09:44

I agree, people seem very quick to assume the worst of workers that they actually know nothing about.

redexpat · 10/10/2018 09:44

I've never heard it said positively, only as a sly dig. Apparently you're supposed to praise the action rather than the child so - that was really clever thinking - would be better. Apparently it makes children more robust.

onefootinthegrave · 10/10/2018 09:47

YANBU. As a few others have said it can sometimes be used in a derogatory way and for all those ridiculing you, perhaps they didnt know this?

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 10/10/2018 09:48

For me, "clever clogs" is pejorative - not as bad as "smart-arse", but in that general area. So YANBU gets my vote.

differentnameforthis · 10/10/2018 09:50

Why not just talk to her about people use the term as a compliment? And how Peppa Pig is hardly representative of real life, and their use of clever clogs is wrong?

TimeLady · 10/10/2018 09:50

I remember a child at my son's school, aged about five, announcing that he was a 'clever clogs', presumably as it was something he'd heard people say to him at home.

I remember thinking it make him look like a smart arse at the time, so I'd say YANBU.

I know that makes me look unreasonable as it clearly wasn't his fault, but thirty years on, I confess that was my immediate reaction.

Ghanagirl · 10/10/2018 09:52

@2b1c51
She’s still in nursery at 4 so of course she is more advanced than the children who are in the same class but turned 3 in June July August.

Runningishard · 10/10/2018 09:53

Of course they didn't say it as a dig because she is clever and they are jealous of her FFS is that how little an opinion people have on the people who care for and teach their children

What’s the difference?!! It was a dig precisely because they are jealous! People who care for and teach our children are not immune from bias. I’ve experienced it first hand. I’ve also experienced amazing teachers who couldn’t have done more to promote intelligence.

Cutesbabasmummy · 10/10/2018 09:54

I don't think clever clogs is actually a nice phrase, In line with other posters, I think it has connotations of showing off and being a "Know it all". What the nursery should have done is praised her for her efforts on a one to one basis and not singled her out. A) this may make her prone to being bullied and b) may have a negative effect on not so able children.

WorraLiberty · 10/10/2018 09:54

Good god.

Why would you even consider having a word with the nursery before thinking that teaching our kids about resilience, would be a far better option in this particular instance?