To think most women have an eating disorder of some kind

[wonderandwander]

I have been referred to an ED clinic.
I’m in early forties and I can’t quite believe it. I won’t bore with detail but involved intervention of a dear GP friend, otherwise I would never have gone. It has dawned on me that I have been restricting to various degrees for best part of 20 years. Never bulemia or over eating. Always restriction and underweight. The upshot being I look a haggard mess and it’s affecting my hormones and bones.

It got me thinking though. Amongst my wide group of girlfriends, I think most think A LOT about food and restricting. We live in a very affluent part of the UK, and health / looks / gym etc is high on the agenda. There’s always diets on the go and talk of food.

Are there any women out there who really eat without thinking what they’re consuming? Really that relaxed about food? Don’t go on diets / restrict etc or the alternative- over eat / binge?

Genuinely curious. My mind is messed up, and wondering whether my thoughts on this issue are also messed up.

When I say I have healthy attitude toward food, I guess I mean if my weight fluctuates a bit I don’t hate myself or beat myself up. I am happy as I am, I also have a DH who only ever compliments me so I don’t have anyone undermining my own perspective. I enjoy food and so does our family but I just don’t obsess about it.

I would say people have a disordered relationship with food if it is very obsessive and taking up a lot of their thinking and they end up with rituals and lots of “dos” and “don’ts“.

Also if they way you are eating or what you are eating affects your self-esteem and self image. I have two teen girls who I compliment a lot but I have never made a comment on their weight EVER. Of course their weight has fluctuated due to inactivity etc. but I never comment and they are both very healthy and active doing hours of sport daily.

My mother also never commented on my weight once!

OP, sorry if I missed it and you discussed this already but what was/is the attitude toward food in your immediate family? Your mum, dad and siblings?

@Kr1stina

That is an astute comment.

I have to attend. I won’t back down. I know I need help.

Are there any women out there who really eat without thinking what they’re consuming? Really that relaxed about food? Don’t go on diets / restrict etc or the alternative- over eat / binge?
Yes, me. I have never been on a diet and don't believe they work. I have never been overweight (at least not when the Dr weighs me - I don't have scales). BUT I do notice that I snack less than a lot of my British friends (I moved abroad 20 years ago and I think I have kept the habits from then). So for example I don't snack in front of the tv or at the cinema. I don't limit myself as such - it just doesn't occur to me! I was surprised when I was back in the UK this summer just how much people eat at the cinema, on the train, at a football match - all places where it would never really occur to me to snack continuously!

^Shambu, interesting.
I don’t fit that mould though, as a lawyer as single parent.
And reading around the issue, it would seem that anarexia is often seen in girls / women obsessed with academic and professional success (perfectionism). It’s certainly been a feature of how I have led my life.^

So as someone with a good career, does that not put appearance in perspective? That there's more to you than looks? I wonder why you subscribe to the whole appearance-gym culture. Is it because you're single and you feel you need to look your best? Or because the women around you do?

I agree about anorexia and high achieving girls - I went to a very academic school and there were quite a few girls with EDs - including one of my best friends - but tbh everyone got treatment and left that behind in their 20s.

I don't want to give the impression that I think EDs are about preoccupation with appearance - anorexia is complex, deep-rooted mental illness. I just think that an environment where women are very concerned about their appearance is pressuring and perhaps contagious.

Well exactly, you think my approach to food is disordered whereas I see it as ordered because I approach it from a health perspective rather than whether I'm thin. I don't monitor my calorie intake at all but because of what I eat, my calorie intake is naturally lower.

I'm 5ft 8" and about 135lb, 20% body fat (I only know that because I had one of this fancy body scans at work).
I intermittent fast to help manage my asthma, and I love working out and running.

On days I do cardio I mindfully eat far more calories and supplement with collagen and BCAAs for additional protein.

But because I love how good food makes me feel, I'm "obsessed" by it in that I'm very conscious of only putting good food in my body.

So yes, one persons disordered eating is another's healthy eating. I don't subscribe to 3 meals a day, or snacking because it doesn't work for my body type. I don't weigh food or cut out complex carbs etc.

This is what I mean, there is no "normal" when it comes to food, everyone's normal is different so it's very easy to label a person as disordered (totally different to an eating disorder which is a far different kettle of fish!) because it's different to the norm.

To me, the standard American diet is disordered.

I am probably borderline orthorexic, but i don't get anxious or overwrought if I choose to eat cake or drink a glass of prosecco. I'm just very mindful of not eating much that is processed. And I certainly don't judge others for not eating the same way.

@wonderandwander
I recovered over about 12-15 years to be honest. I had outside help, a supportive family, great friends and a husband who cooked well balanced meals for me, I have been very lucky.
It’s interesting reading the comments about high achievers and academics as I honestly found that when I moved from my legal career to academia I was less stressed and recovered more, but what truly helped was moving to a career in care that I absolutely adore. I am on a quarter of the salary I was on a few years ago but I’m much less stressed I have fun and I look after myself

No, I don't think it's the case. I've never been on a diet, I don't think about food - apart from what I'm going to have for supper, lunch, etc. I've never looked at how many calories something contains, and I wouldn't know how many calories I consume in a day. I eat cakes and biscuits when I want. I'm not overweight or underweight. I weigh about 8.5 stones. I'm 50 and I weigh only a little bit more (maybe half a stone) than I did when I was 20. I only know one person who is on a diet - and they're about 20 years younger than me. I'm in an affluent part of the UK too.

Haven't RTFT but yes, I think disordered eating (not necessarily eating disorders) is extremely common. To all those who don't have an issue and claim that none of their friends so either - does it occur to you that perhaps you wouldn't be their first choice of friend to talk to about their problems if they were having any? I don't mean that in a nasty way, but I've had bulimia for almost 20 years now; I have friends who are very dear to me but who I wouldn't dream of talking to about my ED, because they simply wouldn't understand. It's not their fault but they don't have the same mindset about food that I do, and it would merely baffle and upset them if tried to explain.

wonderandwander

I’m glad you are going to attend. Because although this is a really interesting topic to debate, it’s NOT good if it becomes a barrier to your getting help.

I hope you’ve been encouraged by the other people who have posted about their own ED and how they have recovered. Yes it’s tough but it’s not impossible.

Do you want to say anything more about what you are eating and not eating ?

I have come to accept that I have probably the most common ED but also the most underdiagnosed- Compulsive Overeating or BED as it seems to be called now. I have suffered since childhood and it has dominated my life and I am now seriously obese. I realy suspect it is more common than is diagnosed. The mental health services could not do much for it and as I am dual diagnosis anyway (personality disorder) they were more keen to sort out the PD first as it caused other types of self harm, some immediately dangerous and risky behaviour in other ways. They told me that unless BED is very severe there is little they can do but pointed me in the direction of Overeaters Anon, which I am finding is helping. Interestingly enough about OA, we also have anorexics and bulimics attending who are being much helped by the programme.

I also wanted to say that people posting their weights/dress sizes/BMIs on a thread about eating disorders is not really very helpful. It's not the weight loss board.

OP, I wish you well. It is not easy accepting help and facing up to food issues and I think you deserve a pat on the back for that. (Hope that does not sound patronisng- it is not intended to be).

GraceMarks - the OP asked me, I responded

No, I don’t think most women have an eating order of some kind.

I don’t believe not thinking about what you are eating is a sign of a healthy relationship with food.

Of the three alternatives you offer 1. Dieting 2. Restricting 3. Binging/overeating I think many are common, at least at some point for many people. But I also think restricting can be sensible or extreme - if you don’t restrict yourself from eating croissants 3x a day then you’ll very likely put on (perhaps unwanted) weight. But restricting yourself from ever eating a croissant is a recipe for misery for many. Can you tell I live in France..

stroke my comment was addressed to the thread at large, not you specifically. Any practitioner or charity that provides help for EDs will discourage discussions about weight and sizes - sufferers seek out that sort of information and use it as a point of comparison. Either it'll make them feel temporarily better because they're the thinnest, or there will be somebody thinner and then they'll feel shitty and resolve to try harder.

I avoid specific weight loss threads because I know that this sort of stuff will be on there, but a thread like this will have attracted a lot of people who might be vulnerable to triggers. I am only asking that posters be mindful of that.

This isn't a thread about someone's ED though, it's a thread claiming that all women have an ED which is both fucking bonkers and a really, really dim view of womanhood. (Not that having an ED makes women bad but this idea that having a healthy relationship with food is something that our gender is incapable of is so utterly misogynistic.)

trancepants - it's not misogynistic but it is a comment on the misogynistic society we live in. We're nearly all capable of maintaining a healthy weight without ever calculating intake/output: with the exception of some disorders, we're all born with this capability. It's programmed out of us from a very young age, if not by our immediate family then by our wider social environment.

FWIW, I would call this internalised misogyny but that's another thread.

I don't think MOST women have disordered eating. I have quite a wide circle of friends and most just eat because they are hungry or fancy eating whatever it is in front of them. I include myself in that. They are all shapes and sizes.

There are a couple of exceptions, but they are definitely exceptions;
One has disordered eating linked to mental health and alcohol issues.
One has issues because of childhood poverty (overeats now).
One is a very faddy eater and her weight yo-yos but she has recently been diagnosed as a coeliac which may explain some of that.

I'm sorry to hear that you have found yourself in this situation but glad that help is available for you OP.

I think disordered eating is common, but it's not the same as an eating disorder.

My school friend was anorexic and between that and OCD, her life was dominated by compulsive and often illogical rules regarding her diet and habits. She had a sweet tooth and two custard cream biscuits was the calorific equivilent of lunch to her mind. Being "vegetarian" legitimised excluding a food group with few questions (I'm not criticising vegetarians generally, but people with disordered eating can find it an attractive way to control their choices). The real root is control, be it from a perfectionist personality or dealing with trauma. It's rarely purely about aesthetics.

There's a difference in making healthy choices and orthorexia. A person regularly making healthy choices won't have emotional difficulties in making exceptions to their usual habits when the need arises. Demonising foods can fall into disorders and lead to nutritional gaps.

It is hard to clearly see what healthy habits are in a world of conflicting information. It's a bugbear of mine that so many women's magazines/ exercise videos etc are focused on calories and superficial qualities rather than genuine health benefits.

I believe I have healthy habits, nothing worth blogging about, but I aim to cover carbs, proteins and veg in meals. I don't always suceed but there is no emotional guilt attached to less healthy choices or over indulging. I aim to eat to contentment and rarely make myself uncomfortable. To stay in a healthy range I monitor myself and have phases where I am more mindful about my choices, but there's no emotional burden attached.

OP if you have been sent for treatment it is serious and I hope you get the help you need. I do agree that a lot of women have food issues but not all have an ED. all the pp saying that everyone they know eats normally, I really don't know how you can know that for sure as ppl tend to keep that stuff to themselves.

No I don't think so. I don't. I'm a healthy bmi, size 10-12, have not dieted much in my life and have never binged. I could be fitter but my relationship with food is fine.

I can see how people with similar issues gravitate towards each other though.

This is a really interesting question.

I think many women (people, probably) have at least an awkward relationship with food.

It is so plentiful, much of it is just so nice, and with our relatively (compared with our ancestors) sedentary lifestyles, it's just so easy for weight to creep on.

I am smack bang in the middle of the healthy BMI range, but my God does it take a lot of effort to stay there.

I love food, and put on weight relatively easily. So it takes a lot of thought / effort / concentration / restriction / denial to stay in that zone.

I'd love to be one of those people ~ and there seem to be so many of them on MN! ~ who can eat whatever they want, whenever they want, and remain effortlessly slim. I do think these lucky people are in the minority, in spite of a seeming preponderance on MN. But I never will be, and I don't like feeling like my clothes at a bit too snug, so I do restrict what I eat.

I'd love to not care, but I do.

I'm a size 10 with a healthy BMI(20ish) and exercise 3-4 times a week but weight myself most days and if I see I'm putting on a few pounds i cut down what I eat. Don't know if that is normal or not but I don't know how else to maintain the size i want to be.

I weigh myself most days, if I don't, the weight will easily slip on unnoticed, and then it's a much tougher slog to get it off.