Aibu or does anyone else think the system is set up to fail single mothers ?

[Ems8818]

So I’m a single mum to 4 . Three eldest from one dad who does see them at all and occasionally pays £18 a month Maintance, he has £13000 dept with csa which is never enforced as when ever they catch up with him he’s unemployed.
My youngest is only 5months and receives £160 a month maintenance. This is equivalent to 8% of his dads income .
Am I the only one who thinks the way child maintenance is calculated is wrong ? I’ve received a really good job offer which will provide long term security to me and my kids however im going have to turn it down as to be able to take the job my childcare costs will be £450 a week , tax credits will only pay £220 so the extra will need to come from my wages .
The baby’s dad will not have him at all to try and reduce the cost . Surly it would be more fair if cms considered things like this when working out they’re maintenance

I hear you and the others criticisms. The fact is you are in this situation and have to run like your life depends on it to survive. This is very hard to maintain on a long term basis.

Fwiw I have worked my arse off to get to where I am. We have 3DC ages 7 and under. Im now earning enough to support them on our own with their childcare being about 50% of my take home income.

Take a look to see if your future employer does salary sacrifice for childcare and pension. This will reduce your income so you end up qualifying for more help.

I absorbed myself with the DC's, only two to the same father. I held down a full time job plus a commute. They are now both working and I am taking early retirement.
How old are your older DC's? Sorry if I missed it.

I still think that CSA should use thete powers more AND i wish the standard arrangement was 50/50 care so no child maintance was due.

But that is unpopular on here because you cannot deny the mother that amount of time away from her children yet its perfectly acceptable for fathers to only have each other weekend and if lucky a evening mid week...

Plan B: I own my own house legally without my partner so if it goes tits up I can sell up, move to a cheaper area and downsize and go back to work.Plan C: I sell up and move in with family in a cheaper part of the country, pay rent and go back to work

Plan B only works if unmarried. Problematic if married.

Plan C only works if your ex doesn’t take out a court order to stop you moving. And if your family is willing and able to have you at the time you need them. If you pay rent on an average wage, you may have entitlement to housing benefit. Work is fine if you are able to manage the logistics - not everyone can.

That’s not really in the best interests of the child in the majority of cases worriedmum

Bearing in mind the reality of the system no one should have so many children 4 is going to be expensive regardless of one or two parents working.

In an overpopulated world being destroyed by the overload of humans one has to ask if even 2 is too many

I don’t have any

Gaspodethetalkingdog
Good grief. Not everyone is so negative!

Gaspodethetalkingdog If that’s what you’ve chose then I’m happy for you however if it’s what situations have made for you then I hope if these situations change and allow you to Achive what makes you happy .
My dc’s are 5 months , 8,9 and 12 .
With the plan b and c situation there’s no acknowledgement of the children what if they’re of an age that moving home as well as they’re family braking down , possibly having to move schools ect / that’s a lot of changes for anyone at one time . Foofloofah might be a good idea to consider this also as I can tell you like to be prepared .
As you know I can speak from experience and it’s very difficult going throu a separation even when your the person who chooses that route . Don’t forget the emotional impact the separation and events leading up to it would have had on you but remember you’ll need to not only drag yourself throu but your dc too . Now I do honestly believe that if you had to lose your home which you are so rightly very proud of that would really knock your self confidence and pride , team that with the difficult times to come and the fact society’s view will it all just be that you need to suck it up butter cup you and your dc are going to be in a very lonely place

No I dont agree with 50/50. Believe it or not there are men out there that dont want to see their kids. I dont think they should be forced to have them.

I don't think the OP is necessarily talking about the benefits system..more the child support system.

Totally agree, both parents should pay for the children!

The benefits system is a whole different debate...

@Walkingdeadfangirl I know they can already take it from their wages, but how often is it done? You read about stories that they owe thousands, so when I say force it I mean one strike and you're out kind of enforcement, do some extra digging for those who claim to be self employed, take a percentage from their business.

I also agree with you that many people don't plan financially, as I said when making the decision to have children I spoke about everything with my ex, what was going to be paid who would take care of them whilst the other went back to work, how much of our savings we would use etc...but as I also said shit happens, I made all those plans and planned only to have 1 child which is what we could afford and maybe a few years later have another if that was possible, however I fell pregnant with twins so that kind of threw us off balance, then when he left I had to use most of my savings paying for our home as he left me with nothing, so here I am pt working mum on benefits struggling.

The government has the resources to chase the money and get it. It's just easier to blame women for being irresponsible slutbags who pop out babies here there and everywhere so they can scrounge off the government and sit on their arses all day. This thread just demonstrates how truly fucked we are because we do it to each other without a second thought. Misogyny at its best and completely depressing.

Why don't we all just go back to the 1800's and resort to prostitution to feed our families? because we shouldn't expect fathers to contribute to our irresponsible decisions.

"Maybe the choice of partner has a bearing on all this."

Yes that's it, women choose the wrong partners.

How far should the system, that is the tax and debt funded government, go to compensate and take responsibility for non resident parents who are letting their children down. How far can it go to making them behave in the way they should. Ok, we could lock them up in overcrowded prisons, but how does that help with child care and bonding.

It’s takes 2 people to have a child and anything up to 5 to have 4. Somewhere in that mix and time period, why don’t both parents work out the financial, emotional and time cost, together and apart. I mean the likelihood of splitting is high, more for unmarried than married parents. Then if you decide to have the child be prepared for anything and suck up the consequences.

Yes the “system” will need to step in to ensure the welfare of the children is looked after. However the responsibility for their welfare and existence sits with 2 parents deciding to have a child and not being prepared for foreseeable consequences of a split.

Why does the system have to work out and plan for the behaviour and complications that arise when the parents don’t.

Sorry but life will be difficult if you make bad decisions, choose the wrong partners and don’t plan for the future. We just can not afford a system that compensates for that all of the time nor should it be continuously held responsible for it.

It's crazy because not giving you sufficient support to cover childcare is KEEPING you in poverty, whereas by covering your childcare now while you are young and able to progress in your career, the govt. will SAVE money on you in the long term by keeping you off benefits and council housing, and potentially MAKE money if you progress up the tax brackets because of the support at this crucial time.

It's easy to say "you shouldn't have had a fourth baby", but her existence should not in itself stop you from having a successful career with a full time job.

No family should be paying more than £500 a month for childcare in this country. I see it as the government leaving money on the table by excluding so many potential tax payers from the workforce.

Childcare costs are the issue but for ALL of us, not just the single mothers with 4 kids in tow. Those who choose benefits over working because they get the same money after paying for childcare are completely missing the point. Working gives you so much more than cash; a better future, long term prospects, self respect. Two people have children and it’s up to those two people to raise those children and be responsible for them. The government really has nothing to do with it.

YABU. I've been in both positions. Single mum and in a couple. I was much better off as a single mum. Worse off with both working. now I don't work as we'd be worse off still! You're getting a good amount of child maintenance. You have to weigh up unfortunately if it's a worthwhile job before you take it.

Yes that's it, women choose the wrong partners.

Yes, in some cases. If you have 5 kids with a guy who is unemployed and actively seeks to avoid work there be no money if you split.

It's about changing the culture so that men actually feel responsible for their children and don't become absent fathers.

The questions on this thread shouldn't be:

Why don't women choose better partners?
Why do women have x amount of children?
Why don't women own their own homes?
Why don't women work harder?

They should be:

Why don't certain men feel they have an obligation to their children?
Why don't certain men care whether their children are adequately fed, clothed and housed?
Why do certain men go to such lengths to avoid paying for their children that they willingly produced?

We have campaigns and laws that attempt to create equality in other areas yet when it comes to anything relating to children, women are to blame.

The focus should be shifted.

Gaspodethetalkingdog I agree. I don't have children either so have little sympathy for the OP. How many people can afford 4 kids without ANY benefits - including Child Benefit? Jeez.

now I don't work as we'd be worse off still!

And therein lies the problem. A PP said it right- working gives you so much more than cash. YOU may be better off in the pocket, not working- but everyone else is worse off for having to pay the benefits for people with that attitude.

Government payments should be for those who CANT work, not choose not to.

OP, I think what is yanking people's chains is that in your opening post you blamed 'the system' rather than the useless, feckless fathers of your children. Those idle wastrels should shoulder all the blame for failing to support their children, blaming 'the system' is as bad as blaming women for their poor choices - it takes the spotlight off the men responsible for failing to support their own children.

It’s not that hard.

😂 yeah, piece of piss love.

Btw I said I would ask someone with “fewer teeth” meaning someone who wouldn’t bite my head off every time I spoke. I wasn’t making any reference to your age. you still didn’t say when you bought.

You read about stories that they owe thousands, so when I say force it I mean one strike and you're out kind of enforcement, do some extra digging for those who claim to be self employed, take a percentage from their business

a) the CSA/CMS is highly inefficient.
b) Claiming to be self employed isn't the issue. Actually being genuinely self employed with an accountant is a massive problem. It is perfectly legal to minimize income so as to minimize child support. If it's your business, you simply don't pay it. It takes the CSA/CMS a hell of a long time to catch up with you and when it does, it is forced to use the court system for enforcement. As a result, you can run up £20k and have a judge make you pay it back at £10 a week. In a nutshell, if the HMRC accept the figures, then so do the CSA/CMS.

I also wonder what the attraction is to a man who has so little skills, dedication to work or morals that they deliberately make themselves poorer to avoid paying anything. Maybe the choice of partner has a bearing on all this

My ex husband is a professional man who knows better. Plenty of skills and dedication to work. He certainly isn't making himself poorer by not paying maintenance, is he?! And of course, had I said to him at the planning of babies stage 'darling, you will never leave me high and dry without maintenance for our children, will you?' he would have said 'Of course I will! My money is mine and I will hate you so much for having the audacity to get on with your life when I leave you that I will refuse to support our children'

Seriously, stop with the misogyny and actually think. It is not my fault if my ex refuses to support his children. Nor is it my responsibility to do the jobs of two people to make up the difference. And yet here I am, doing just that.