Aibu or does anyone else think the system is set up to fail single mothers ?

[Ems8818]

So I’m a single mum to 4 . Three eldest from one dad who does see them at all and occasionally pays £18 a month Maintance, he has £13000 dept with csa which is never enforced as when ever they catch up with him he’s unemployed.
My youngest is only 5months and receives £160 a month maintenance. This is equivalent to 8% of his dads income .
Am I the only one who thinks the way child maintenance is calculated is wrong ? I’ve received a really good job offer which will provide long term security to me and my kids however im going have to turn it down as to be able to take the job my childcare costs will be £450 a week , tax credits will only pay £220 so the extra will need to come from my wages .
The baby’s dad will not have him at all to try and reduce the cost . Surly it would be more fair if cms considered things like this when working out they’re maintenance

So basically what I’m saying is so yes I have 4 children so when csa do they’re calculations they consider the non resident parents income then take a percentage of this which I believe is 16% this figure is then split between the children so say for example the non resident has four children with four different resident parents then each child would get 4% of the non resident income .
This is irrelevant of the child’s age , needs , childcare costs ect .
So my point is id see it as fairer if it was worked out on the needs of child for example childcare for baby is £250 a week compare that to say £75 for 7 year old surly Maintance should be higher for baby as their baseline care costs are higher

Many years ago I kicked out exH. Three DC under 8. Ex quickly went self employed then moved abroad to avoid maintenance. I had to claim benefits but, discovering how little that was, I cleaned people's houses while the DC were at school/nursery. It kept us going.
There was no CMS then but it wouldn't have helped anyway as he'd buggered off. It's always been difficult being a single parent if the absentee parent decides not to support his/her family.

Single parents: not just single mothers!

Ems I am a bit lost. 4 different children by 4 different resident parents (dads?). 16% of each or as a total? Can’t do the maths?

Me I can’t do the maths’

@ohreallyohreallyoh not deluded at all,-my mother was a single parent working and receiving benefits.

My DF has recently started a new family and has 2 DC (8 and 4) and are in receipt of benefits. They are better off financially than DH and myself.

@IStandWithPosie we live in a rural area which is limited for jobs and pay is poor unfortunately. DH is often on call 24 hours so I need to be available or have childcare for these occasions-it's better to have childcare during the day than the middle of the night.

We also receive no support from family in terms of childcare.

DD is under 2 and we are expecting another (yes our decision and as such I will expect to foot the bill).

I weep for humanity after reading some of these replies. The fact of the matter is most single parents are women. Women are already discriminated against in terms of the workplace and generally in society aka the patriarchy. Men can and do frequently walk away Scott free. These men are Schrödinger's cat you don't know the fucker will leave or not till you open the box!

One question to the benefit bashers do you want to live in Dickensian Britain? Take away the benefits and workers rights (also slowly being chipped into) and this is what you are left with.

I think the parent left to raise the kids (be it mum or dad) is usually left with the raw deal and a lot of day to day responsibility. Just do what you can

yes our decision and as such I will expect to foot the bill)

Well your husband will as you won’t be earning anything.

And yes OP...totally agree with dandy. Forget csa and if you get any payments from it then it's a bonus. When the fees came in for csa and my ds father reduced his hours etc I just didn't bother fighting. In my view if he didn't want to pay then it was clear how little his son meant to him and there was no way I would ever ask him for a penny again. I'm my son's mum and dad combined. It's been tough over the years but I worked, paid the childcare to climb the career ladder. Studied a degree at the same time too. 1.5hrs each evening with ds and weekends to give him all the attention I felt he missed in the week. He is a lovely boy and its been worth it. Ive tried to give him what i could and he hasnt missed out.

Career not that easy as work events impossible to get to with childcare costs and so only out and about the past few years on occasion. Networking is big where I am so always felt a bit left out and having to explain being a "single mother" at work also got people giving me the judgy look too.

Hard BUT I'm now earning well and once I've caught up with all the lingering bills and new boiler I will be in a great place money wise from December. That's my light at the end of what's been a long and dark tunnel! Go for the job...make it work somehow and you won't regret it.

Yes, rovita utterly deluded. Please give it a try. The Government does not plug the gap, make up the shortfall or anything else. The amount is fixed (within parameters) and does not cover all childcare, food, housing, utility and all the rest of it. But hey ho, you know better, eh?

Dandygal I’ve already been to uni and have my degree done level 3 in college before that and also have level 5 registered manager in adult care however all my academic qualifications yes mean I can get a very well paid job however due to it being care needs very flexible working which is now impossible for me . So yes career has taken massive kick in teeth again however I’m not one to be taken down so have been offered a nice 9-5 in the nhs it’s just childcare costs are making me worry my income won’t cover rent food the kids stuff and childcare . Which is what got me thinking all this so a man who decided he wanted a child just us much as I have has now decided he wants to play daddy when it suits and not be responsible and the child support agency practically supports him in this

"I get £5 a week for 4 kids. yours doesnt seem too bad tbh."

Only took 2 responses to become a race to the bottom. 🙄

I don't know why the UK doesn't jail deadbeat Dad's. At least then there are repercussions for their BS. Might make other men think twice about shirking financial responsibility for their children.

@Ems8818 I agree with what your saying about the baseline costs, though some will that they should be higher for older children.

Frustrating as the system is do your best and try not to rely on maintenance from their Dads, when they are older they will appreciate what you did for them and make a judgement on their fathers for themselves.

I thought that was the point of this thread? Absentee parents who don’t pay for their kids means that it is something you as a parent are aware of knowing of the system (which I don’t think anyone in their right mind wouldn’t disagree is horribly shit) by that you have to have a confidence plan (plan a and b) for when it all goes wrong. Even waiting for the paperwork to go through to get maintenance takes months. I never said I didn’t think it is terrible but come one. We all the system. If you are unhappy complain. If you are seriously furious campaign. Do something about it. Wife to your MP. Get mad and get better rights.

REAL 'fairness' and REAL equity' would mean the Government insisting 50/50 care and 50/50 work and financial contribution. I really do sympathise with those lone parents left with the kids by their feckless former partners, but a parent's sex has nothing to do with it. The day men and women are given equal rights AND responsiblities for children is the day we'll see equity here.

As long as women expect primacy in parenting rights, they'll never achieve equality of 'responsibility'. Yet time and time again on MN, I see the same posters insisting motherhood is 'special' or 'unique' yet demanding 'equality'. Sorry, but you can't have it both ways. The two are mutually exclusive.

Yes that's right @Walkingdeadfangirl force them to it, give them one chance to pay maintance if they default then it converts to direct payments taken from either their wages or bank account, I got into debt with mu council tax, they had no issue going to my employer to take their money.

1in6 pregnancies are unplanned, I'm not great at maths but can tell the majority are planned and wanted.
I'm sure if you want any further information, you can have a quick Google.

According to Gingerbread, around 90 percent of single parents are mothers. That's been the case consistently. Single parent families are twice as likely to be in poverty as couples, hardly surprising.
foofloofah you sound very judgemental to say the least I don't know where you get off. Let's hope you never land up in hard times eh.

Make sure there are repercussions for Nrps, if I didn't feed my dcs or care for them I would be reprimanded, put in jail or fined if they are neglected all the whole their dad lives down the road with gf number 2, claiming he doesn't live with his dcs so therefore it's not his problem.
It needs to be made their problem.

Sorry for the typos. Baby wriggling in boob. I absolutely and totally think that the absentee parent refusing or shirking their financial responsibilities is appalling but the truth is the government can’t do much. Imagine the cost chasing up all the payments due by absentee or finically absent parents. Holy unrealistic. Couldn’t imagine what the resources would be taken from to do this. You have kids, you break up, you pay. My Nana has 6 kids and not a penny to spend on food, alone necessities when her husband left her. She made do and got on with it at whatever cost and her kids (my mum included) did well, educated well and secured a future for their kids (aloe or otherwise) without a damn penny from anyone including the government.

Tbh I don’t rely on maintenance as you can see my first ex really has never paid , it’s just I have 3 daughters and god forbid this system continues, when they’re older and possibly find things have gone wrong . change needs to be thought about now .
I know that I’ll get me and my family back on track very soon as I have done before , but one can wish that one day wider society will stop and look and instead of pointing the finger at the scape goat which has been young single mums ( and yes I had my first child at 18 so that was me also) and look to other reasons people are left needing to relay on government support .

With the maths question basically as a non resident parent it does not matter if you have 1 or 19 children you still only pay 16% of your wages as maintenance.
This is completely worked out on what’s best for nrp not the child which is what really does not sit right with me

You have a baby foofloofah? So I’m assuming you have a couple of hundred £k stashed away to see it to adulthood should it’s other parent decide to opt out of his responsibilities?

Mo shame in having or landing on hard times. I just find it unreasonable to state that single parents get a hard time when they are the most likely to get state provisions but I can’t not say that getting payment from the other parent is fair or an easy road to take. I know one parent who pays his ex £5 a week for their child when he is driving around in a Bentley and has a successful business but he is smart, or his accountant is. The mother struggles hugely to our food in the table for their child but I think he likes that. He doesn’t care about the kid.

So the absentee pays 16% of their income for one child or more irrespective? Obviously that’s bonkers! Agree with that 100%. That’s just cray cray. That has to be changed and should be campaigned for. It’s outrageous!

I had children and yes I have a plan B and C if the current father opts out. First father is dead. He opted out eternally.