Aibu or does anyone else think the system is set up to fail single mothers ?

[Ems8818]

So I’m a single mum to 4 . Three eldest from one dad who does see them at all and occasionally pays £18 a month Maintance, he has £13000 dept with csa which is never enforced as when ever they catch up with him he’s unemployed.
My youngest is only 5months and receives £160 a month maintenance. This is equivalent to 8% of his dads income .
Am I the only one who thinks the way child maintenance is calculated is wrong ? I’ve received a really good job offer which will provide long term security to me and my kids however im going have to turn it down as to be able to take the job my childcare costs will be £450 a week , tax credits will only pay £220 so the extra will need to come from my wages .
The baby’s dad will not have him at all to try and reduce the cost . Surly it would be more fair if cms considered things like this when working out they’re maintenance

when they are the most likely to get state provisions

Most likely to need state provisions. It’s based on need. You dont just get it because you’re a single parent, there are plenty single parents who don’t earn “little” enough to qualify.

Foofloofah you say about cost of chasing maintenance however if maintenance was worked out equally and also enforced then this would increase the income of single parent households which in turn would decrease the level of financial support the government needs to give single parent family’s .
After a few years of hard enforced payments that a realistic people would learn you can’t up and ignore your responsibility, this would also support the governments push in getting people to take responsibility for they’re choices and not just leave one parent to take responsibility for two peoples choice

What are plans b and c? You could help quite a lot of people out here with that information.

Wagonwheels
You can already get CM taken straight from their wages. The problem is the parents who get paid off book or who go self employed.

5in6 pregnancies might be planned. That doesn't mean they are planned to be financially supported. People need to take more responsibility.

Women pay a very HIGH price for parenthood and men pay a much lower price for parenthood

This^^

I cannot believe the tory puppets on this thread, what an absolute bunch of wankers, what the fuck is wrong with you? The reasons mothers are treated so badly are all on here to read in your petty othering and despicable sociopathic lack of empathy.

If society wised up and laid the responsibility for raising children squarely at the doors of both parents there wouldn't be 90% single parents female with a higher level of poverty than almost any other subgroup.

You get the jail if you fuck over the taxman why not for stitching up you own kid?

Stop blaming women for men stealing from them, how hard is that? Blame the criminal for the crime not the victim.

OP I am sorry you came here for help and got shat on like this, fuck them, what goes around comes around.

People need to take more responsibility.
Walkingdeadfangirl I think the word you are looking for is MEN. You talk here as if everyone has a crystal ball and a script in their handbag. Get a fucking grip.

MEN need to take responsibility and society needs to take responsibility for making them do that.

Why don't you stop berating mother's raising the next generation against the odds and stick up for them instead, be a part of the problem and you will perpetuate it.

I came on here to be sympathetic. Im not an apologist for deadbeat dads and i agree CSA should be greater. However you rather lost my sympathy with your situation.

Have a special needs child: awful, really unfortunate, then go on to have two more.... okay, you really wanted a big family but you made that choice, you opted for a difficult life. Then DV, again awful. I cannot understand the mentality of cranking out a fourth child with someone else after that. Had the cost of childcare escaped your attention until then? Did your first unsuccesful relationship lead you to think men were trustworthy? One hadnt supported you but surely the next one would!

Harsh but i have 2dc, im financially stable, i budgeted to have dc, never had state help, would have liked 3 dc but gave it up as unaffordable. I get that no one ever taught you to think like this but please please try and open your dd's eyes. For a start off dont let them believe men will support them. Even now i plan what would happen if i were unfortunate to be left on my own. I think ahead and wouldnt have to rely on anyone else.

It sounds like you thought men would support you. Its a hard lesson to discover thats not true. Financially and emotionally its hard doing it alone. You cant go back so make the best of your situation. Work, scrape by, go without, it will be worth it to be able to support your family and say screw you to the deadbeats that left you to struggle.

Good luck.

Xxpowershield there has also been some positive feed back here and if only one person reads this and rethinks their views on single parenting and how the whole of society would benifit if they opened they’re minds a little more then that’s a start and I just prey that in years to come things will change . For the benifit of every single parent and every child who is being raised in that situation, society can’t continue to hold those trying to protect and provide for there children in worse light than the people who walk away from they’re responsibility’s

Apologies but have not read all comments.

OP you have a choice like we all do. Some have more choices than others of course. But if you are not married or in a civil partnership you cannot always depend on the other parent to do the decent thing. Of course that can be said even if you have made legal committments to each other. Deadbeat ex partners will always try to shirk their responsibilities however much money they have in their pockets. The only way to avoid the risk is to keep your legs crossed!

The state will try and help as far as they can. However, I firmly believe that you are responsible for your children, however many you decide to have. You should not expect the state to provide for ALL your needs except in certain circumstances. You have to make sacrifices and cut your cloth accordingly.

And yes I have been a single mum, receiving sporadic amounts of maintenance. But I only had one child and was lucky to have a job. Didn't pay loads but enough not to depend on the maintenance.

So what I am trying to say is not to rely on the men/women in your life. Even if wonderful you never know what illness or accident is around the corner and you should be prepared at all times to be able to stand on your own feet and live independently with your child/children.

OP totally agree with you tbayvthe legislation has to be changed to make it fair and transparent. What I am saying and clearly failing at is that this has to be campaigned for as a collective. There are millions of parents out there who are shafted by the system and there has to be a change. Economically chasing every none paying or financially untruthful absentee parent who owes or should pay higher maintence won’t work. The rules have to change. This is what has to be campaigned for and fought for by people like yourself. Chasing handouts and being shafted isn’t right. Fight for this. Write to your MP and local ward councillor and fight. Get it all in writing.
Plan B: I own my own house legally without my partner so if it goes tits up I can sell up, move to a cheaper area and downsize and go back to work.
Plan C: I sell up and move in with family in a cheaper part of the country, pay rent and go back to work.
Not the best laid plans but plans none the less.

And yes I worked damn hard to own my home in my name alone and made innumerable sacrifices to get that one financial security. It’s my only asset. Now it’s my kids. As far as I am concerned no matter what it’s our Plan B & C. Rent it out and move to a cheaper are if we have to. Can’t rely on anyone else but me. I am Mum and that’s it. The buck ends there.

@ ZenNudist. You got there before me! So agree.

@ XXPowerShield. You obviously had no counter argument so resorted to insults.

It’s very interesting how people seem to be surprised that after having 1 child with additional needs that I’d have more - none of you actually know what her needs are , when they started or how they come about , so really should you comment on something you know nothing about , and has no relevance the only reason I put it in is because she still needs childcare .
Zennudist again your just filling in gaps and assuming things you really shouldn’t ultimately as I’ve said several times Children are made by two parents so why as society do we encourage one parent to take responsibility for the others choices

My dc know what life is and are very strong and independent and even thou you assume I expect a man to support me - no I really don’t and never have , however I’d expect a man to support his child and why shouldn’t I ?

I don’t like how this thread is turning into a man/dad bashing thread. I thought we are above this by now. Ffs. It’s 2018. Equality means just that.

Calm down XX

Haven't read your full thrrad OP as too disheartened by some nasty comments about single motherhood being a shit decision, when in reality most people posting on the boards probably didn't POAS knowing they'd end raising the baby alone.

Most people do not know they are having babies with soon to be violent, dead or dead beat dad's surely? It's like saying to all these people who post about infidelity-related divorce after 20 years of marriage, well you picked the wrong bloke there didn't you.

Hindsight is 20:20.

I hope you find a way to take the job OP.

Way too many typos sorry OP.

I’m not bashing men tbh I think I’m having the largest bashing everyone feels they’re qualified to comment on aspects of my life they know nothing about - it’s crazy

My point is simply that wouldn’t society be better if we expected equal of both parents
It would cost less in benefits , it would improve the rates of poverty for children , it would increase the ability of both separated parents to be able to find employment . It would encourage everyone not just women to take responsibility for they’re choices .
I can’t see no downside lol

To be fair I don’t think anyone on this thread it saying that they should have known who they are having children with. That’s just silly. I think the OP knows this!

Agree with you OP. Parents who create children should pay relatively for their kids. It’s just not realistically enforceable. That’s the issue.

I own my own house legally without my partner

Outright? No mortgage? How did you do that?

You have to have a plan B or C and not rely on the state or the ex partner to pay because it’s not a guarantee. And to be fair why should it be? You have a child, it’s your responsibility as a parent. You make long term provisions without the dependence of a partner and/or the state. It’s called adulthood. If you don’t like the rules. Fight to change them. You are fighting everyday anyway, make that focus on to something powerful.

You have to have a plan B or C and not rely on the state or the ex partner to pay because it’s not a guarantee.

But she doesn’t, so what now? Sell the kids?

@Foofloofah - on page 2. Silly and spiteful. That's where I think I switched off.