Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Aibu or does anyone else think the system is set up to fail single mothers ?

269 replies

Ems8818 · 09/10/2018 20:50

So I’m a single mum to 4 . Three eldest from one dad who does see them at all and occasionally pays £18 a month Maintance, he has £13000 dept with csa which is never enforced as when ever they catch up with him he’s unemployed.
My youngest is only 5months and receives £160 a month maintenance. This is equivalent to 8% of his dads income .
Am I the only one who thinks the way child maintenance is calculated is wrong ? I’ve received a really good job offer which will provide long term security to me and my kids however im going have to turn it down as to be able to take the job my childcare costs will be £450 a week , tax credits will only pay £220 so the extra will need to come from my wages .
The baby’s dad will not have him at all to try and reduce the cost . Surly it would be more fair if cms considered things like this when working out they’re maintenance

OP posts:
Dandygal1976 · 09/10/2018 22:53

Everyone supportive has stated their background (on the whole). Even full tax payers.

Original poster
Ems8818 · 09/10/2018 22:55

I see people have the need to question why my 4 children don’t see they’re dad .
My oldest 3 can’t as the was a very serious domestic violence situation and before anyone tries to tell me anything make sure you understand “serious domestic violence “ . My 4 child does see his dad when he gets around to it , usually once a fortnight.
Dandygal I really appreciate your input I’m new to mums net so trying to work out how to message

OP posts:
IStandWithPosie · 09/10/2018 22:57

IStandWithPosie - if you have a civil dispute.. where do you go? I am not sure, but last I was aware the CSA was introducing charges last Year. Does anyone know if this happened? If it did the it is a nil cost civil dispute surely... at the stupid % they were proposing?

The last contact I had with them they were “offering” to charge me up to 12% of the child maintenance calculation and my Ex would pay 20% on top. He didn’t want to do that so we opted for a private arrangement. This was well over a year ago. Maybe two years.

Lokisglowstickofdestiny · 09/10/2018 22:58

I think it's crap that your ex-partner owes you a huge amount money and isn't being made to pay this debt and it should be easier for you to enforce the debt. However you said the last 18 months have been shit, your youngest is 5 months old so even while your life was shit you decided to have another child when you already had 3, one with additional needs. You've made your situation worse, but at least the father of your youngest is paying something towards their upkeep.

DangerMouse17 · 09/10/2018 22:59

How bloody rude Foofloofah

No woman on this planet has a child with their partner, only after completing a full financial plan to ensure they could afford the child on their own Hmm

Very few people "plan" to be raising a child or children as a single parent.

Dandygal1976 · 09/10/2018 22:59

Ems.. there can be a pack mentality on here but take a deep breath and read back over things. You have had a lot of support.

dawnacorns · 09/10/2018 22:59

This thread demonstrates (from a few posters) the sort of shit and judgment single parents have to put up with, on top of the stress and strain of bringing up kids on their own.
I think statistics show that single parents don't generally fit the daily mail stereotype. Many were married to what seemed like perfectly normal men until they ran off with Sue in accounts or whatever.
As a society we seem to be very quick to judge and slow to empathise these days imo.
YANBU OP, the system is set up to fail single mothers. aka patriarchy

Dandygal1976 · 09/10/2018 23:00

We tend to focus on the negative. Skip it and listen to the good stuff. x

Foofloofah · 09/10/2018 23:04

Sorry I don’t think it’s rude. I believe that when you have a child(ren) you do have to actively believe there may be a day you end up single and you may be financially viable for them at that point and not rely on govenment support. I find it shocking people think this is rude or unjust. It’s like no one thinks about the rainy day scenario. Bonkers.

Original poster
Ems8818 · 09/10/2018 23:07

I’m all for an open discussion and hearing everyone’s points even if they are slightly sheltered, and tbh it gives me hope that my dc will have a chance of an easier path than mine .
Granted I’ve made some mistakes and shit choices over the years but hey ho human I am lol and it all just builds character and strength.
There has been some really positive feedback and just reading people saying things are shit now but it will pass really helps .
I suppose not everyone understands what it’s like to have no sensible adult in your life just to acknowledge life and reassure you . Single parenthood is a lonely place .

OP posts:
IStandWithPosie · 09/10/2018 23:07

Foofloofah

Sorry

You should have stopped there.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/10/2018 23:08

So really, Foo only people who earn way over national average/have trust funds/have massive inheritances can have children?

Dandygal1976 · 09/10/2018 23:08

dawncorns.. I agree. There but for the grace of god. I am not religious but I get that one. How dare these keyboard warriors behave as they are. And I question their happiness to be honest if they are so concerned over such things. I thought they would be rich and happy to the extent to not engage with us minions! hahaha. I am not there now but I am still an east end gal and still have been there and done it to have an opinion and now to be (ashamedly) them - in certain circles! Pretentious twats.

Foofloofah · 09/10/2018 23:08

I am very sorry the Ops relationships ended and financially she isn’t in a good place but it’s hardly an unforeseen scenario is it? People break up all the time and yes I do think life is very very hard for a single parent but you have to be realistic. What is the government supposed to do about this? Where will the money come from? Do you work? Pay tax? Where is it going to come from to suit you and your circumstances for which you as an adult and mother of 4 are responsible for?

Original poster
Ems8818 · 09/10/2018 23:10

FooflooFah if you read the thread I don’t think the government should support .
Why should a mother assume that she will be the sole Carer for a child - this is what’s wrong in society that it has become acceptable for that to be the case .
This is wrong and it’s not just financial support - it take two people to make a baby and for the sake of everyone it should involve two to raise the said child

OP posts:
Walkingdeadfangirl · 09/10/2018 23:12

Government pay all child support to resident parent then bill the non resident parent - And do what to the non residents that cant or wont repay the costs? aka Just expand the countries benefits bill exponentially!

Wagonwheels I said it was entirely avoidable for the people who dont consider the consequences of their choices, of course some people will be blindsided.

You think the government should force irresponsible parents to look after their children? Seriously? That would be great for the children. How do you 'make' them pay half the child's costs? How do you force them to have contact?

In most cases a child was planned Where is the proof of that?

Foofloofah · 09/10/2018 23:14

I don’t have an issue with OP it’s the stance that the government should make provisions to accommodate the needs for single parents. No that isn’t fair but it is what it is. Foresight means that sometimes you have to suck it up and move forward. I don’t think single parents are singled out at all. It is just damn harder. It’s stressul and hard damn work. No one is denying that. What I don’t understand is that no one is offering solutions to solve this issue. Saying the government should do something is not exactly helpful. What is it you want OP? What an we actively campaign for? What needs doing in a cohesive nutshell?

Neshoma · 09/10/2018 23:15

Very few people "plan" to be raising a child or children as a single parent.

Maybe they should considering how many women are in this situation.

Original poster
Ems8818 · 09/10/2018 23:16

Foofloofah give me strength yes I was working until very recently and yes I’ve secured a new job and the whole point of this conversation is the limitations imposed on single parents due to the lack of adequate government policy’s to make parenting equal responsibility.
I don’t know how many times I must say I do not believe the government should substitute my family but what I do believe is that along side the governments development of policy to cap support to larger families they need to develop they’re policy’s to ensure non resident parents are supporting their children properly to stop the child missing out .
Basically why is child maintenance worked out on what a non resident parent can afford and not on what the child needs

OP posts:
Dandygal1976 · 09/10/2018 23:17

Sorry Ems.. we are digressing. It has ended up one of those threads. Forget the csa payments. People do it without any help... it is shit and it is not right. However, benefits do not take it into account their contributions. Make your own life and fight outside what you can. Don't rely on the buggers because as soon as they don't pay you are fucked. Hence maintenance is not taken into account. Have a look at the uni courses and other things and you can still be there for your kids. Then, when you earning loads and some mother who has never worked, children left home and going through divorce (with no skills), we can all find a divorce website and say... did you not think your life would ever fuck up. x

DangerMouse17 · 09/10/2018 23:17

Okay so what you're saying foof is that all women of child-bearing age need to have £223, 000 available in the bank before they even consider the prospect of having a child....or more fool them?

230k is the average cost to raise a child in the UK from birth to 21 (2015 research)

Dandygal1976 · 09/10/2018 23:19

Foofloofah.. what is your background? It would help to know when we respond?

IStandWithPosie · 09/10/2018 23:20

it’s the stance that the government should make provisions to accommodate the needs for single parents.

Erm no, it’s the needs of the children who are being neglected by a non paying parent. The single parent didn’t cause that situation!

DangerMouse17 · 09/10/2018 23:21

Yes Neshoma, lets lie all the responsibility on the women.

Even better why don't we hold NRPs accountable for the life they've helped create and ensure they contribute financially to that child's upkeep? Radical I know!

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/10/2018 23:23

In a cohesive nutshell: legislation with teeth that takes a zero-tolerance approach to the non payment of maintenance including dodges which are currently legal (self employment).

Campaigns which make child abandonment as socially unacceptable as drink driving, smoking with a baby in the room or driving without a seat belt.

A society that accepts both parents have responsibility for the upbringing of children. A farewell to the misogyny that says single mums who earn less than £100k a year are just Benefit scum whilst their male equivalents on £20k are hero’s.