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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu or does anyone else think the system is set up to fail single mothers ?

269 replies

Ems8818 · 09/10/2018 20:50

So I’m a single mum to 4 . Three eldest from one dad who does see them at all and occasionally pays £18 a month Maintance, he has £13000 dept with csa which is never enforced as when ever they catch up with him he’s unemployed.
My youngest is only 5months and receives £160 a month maintenance. This is equivalent to 8% of his dads income .
Am I the only one who thinks the way child maintenance is calculated is wrong ? I’ve received a really good job offer which will provide long term security to me and my kids however im going have to turn it down as to be able to take the job my childcare costs will be £450 a week , tax credits will only pay £220 so the extra will need to come from my wages .
The baby’s dad will not have him at all to try and reduce the cost . Surly it would be more fair if cms considered things like this when working out they’re maintenance

OP posts:
oldgimmer78 · 09/10/2018 21:56

The absent father's are not accountable at all according to the state. Your main issue is that you have 4 sets of child care OP. You could have a partner and still not be able to afford to work.

Allineedyoutodois · 09/10/2018 21:56

You can’t blame the government. It’s the blokes that have walked off and left without paying for their children. No-one else is going to come and sort this out for you.

Neshoma · 09/10/2018 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wagonwheelsandstrawberryjam · 09/10/2018 21:58

Wow these types of threads really do bring out the worst in people.

@Walkingdeadfangirl Do you really believe that everyone on benefits wants to be or had a choice?
I know I didn't choose to be where i am now, infact I never even wanted children because I didn't want to end up a single mum on benefits, however after being with my exdp for 5 years we decided to have a child as we were financially stable and had a good relationship, fast forward 2 years after my dcs were born he decided it was too much like hard work being a parent and left for the ow and now pays £30pw for 2 children, which he hasn't paid for 3 weeks as he had to have spending money for his holiday.
So please tell me again how I chose this life? I met a loving caring man and had children, however he turned into a deadbeat like alot of nrp do when they leave the family home.

KenDoddsDadsDogIsDead · 09/10/2018 22:00

I hear you.. It's not an easy ride but it can be done alone. I raised 3 on minimum wage with no help from absent dad. Kids turned out fine with a sound perspective on what is important and understood the value of money growing up.
And I had a real sense of achievement from managing without his money.

GreenLantern53 · 09/10/2018 22:00

I dont know. If you continue with a pregnancy that the father didnt want them dont be surprised when he choses not to be involved. You must have known cm is 10%

Dandygal1976 · 09/10/2018 22:01

Sorry - not being clear. Benefits (working tax credits - not housing bens) takes into account private rental cost (as in everyone is in private rental). Therefore anyone on social housing gets paid the same as those in private rental - so those in social housing are £500+ better of on tax credits. It is madness

IStandWithPosie · 09/10/2018 22:01

The problem is the more support you give single parents, the more you incentivize people to become single parents.

Enforcing realistic child support payments is not incentivising single parenting! Christ alive!

GunpowderGelatine · 09/10/2018 22:04

Your baby is only five months old so knowing that you were in this situation with three kids you decided to have another with someone who was not a DH, a life partner, who was clearly not able to support his child and neither were you.

WTF. There's always one isn't there. How he bloody hell do you know he didn't mean anything to the OP? What if she was in an abusive relationship? Or should she have stayed because she should've know better? Threads like this piss me off because of moronic posts like this.

Anyway OP YANBU, it's an absolute travesty. Children in the U.K. are owed £4billion by NRPs, mostly men. How is this not a national crisis?!

Dandygal1976 · 09/10/2018 22:05

I got myself out of it... you have to put your head down and think of you want for you and them long term. It won't be easy.. but it will be worth it.

CookingGood · 09/10/2018 22:07

*YABU to think it applies only to single mothers.

Both DH and I work full time, the cost of childcare, commuting etc actually means I work for virtually nothing (about £30) a week. We are are not entitled to any support and financially I would be better off not working, however I know that I am setting an example and keeping security for our future when DC go to school*

Comments like this make me sick.
You’re not entitled to any support cos, guess what? Your dh is supporting his dc.

Could your salary cover childcare, mortgage bills food by itself?

If your dh left you it would have to. If you’re lucky, you might get a few pounds a week from him for ‘his share’

He wouldn’t be burdened with paying childcare. Or uniforms, clubs, holidays. That’s all on your back.

I was on a thread a few days back bemoaning how to share work absense when your dc are too Ill for school/childcare. When I said I was a single parent so had to do it all myself (and almost lost jobs in the process) I was advised that I should give up work and go on benefits as it would be easier than all the hassle!! Was speechless!

Dandygal1976 · 09/10/2018 22:08

GunpowderGelatine.. totally agree. People need to fight though.. Start wit the MP. Not a letter.. rock up at the surgery. It makes a difference. Sanctimonious twats on here that have had it all easy. Piss me off too.

IStandWithPosie · 09/10/2018 22:08

You can’t blame the government.

Yes you can when they refuse to enforce the mandatory child support from the non payers!

SausageSimon · 09/10/2018 22:08

Can't stand the shitty responses, competing for who has the worst situation Hmm
I think you're absolutely right OP, things like this should be taken into account.

I always think how if you owed 13k in tax you'd be hounded for it, but because it's owed to you it isn't urgent

I feel like single parents get more shit than the parent that leaves a lot of the time

Original poster
Ems8818 · 09/10/2018 22:09

Just to clarify a few things , I live in rented accommodation as for the size of my family (que the comments on 4 kids again ) it’s almost impossible to find social housing , which is fine I’ve always worked extra to pay for my home .
The comment about me keeping children when dad didn’t want is completely wrong They where all wanted by myself and they’re farther at the time it’s just they’re fathers realised that they don’t actually need to be responsible for they’re kids and again this is the whole point surly the government should develop they’re policy’s to stop this and stop the children missing out because of they’re inability to be responsible

OP posts:
Allineedyoutodois · 09/10/2018 22:09

The ‘system’ is a safety net and one that absolutely should be there for everyone when they need. It’s not something that’s going to sort out a life for anyone, or sort out feckless exes, or give you a comfortable lifestyle. It’s just not.

Dandygal1976 · 09/10/2018 22:10

CookingGood.. get you totally. Different argument though )same but sorta different). Family allowance as the shite it is included but shall we deal with this poor lass?

IStandWithPosie · 09/10/2018 22:12

When I said I was a single parent so had to do it all myself (and almost lost jobs in the process) I was advised that I should give up work and go on benefits as it would be easier than all the hassle!! Was speechless!

I saw that comment. It made me so angry. You can’t win either way.

ILovePierceBrosnan · 09/10/2018 22:12

Women pay a very HIGH price for parenthood and men pay a much lower price for parenthood

This^^

You’re right OP that there should be more pressure to get both parents to take responsibility for the financial and time cost of bringing up children.

My advice would be to take the job...it will be hard but get easier and at some point you’ll start to break even and then have financial security. Never rely on anyone else including the state.

IStandWithPosie · 09/10/2018 22:13

The ‘system’ is a safety net and one that absolutely should be there for everyone when they need. It’s not something that’s going to sort out a life for anyone, or sort out feckless exes, or give you a comfortable lifestyle. It’s just not.

Have you even read the thread?

SoleBizzz · 09/10/2018 22:13

SausageSimon Biscuit

ILovePierceBrosnan · 09/10/2018 22:14

I think you’ve had a rough few comments on this thread blaming you for being in need as a single mother. Single parenthood is really hard and for the vast majority of people not a choice but the outcome of a personal tragedy. Flowers

Dandygal1976 · 09/10/2018 22:19

Ems .. don't respond to the super 'life is sorted by husband, daddy or luck'.

Trust me, you can find a way through this and it is a damn shame that those that don't like paying their taxes to social funds... won't actually help you on here with anything other than crap.

Go to your MP (in person). They will then write to CSA and ask them to deal with it. Message me in person of you want help on social housing front.. easier offline (I work for a LA).

I hope all of you that condemned on here fall on your own fucking arse one day... and trust me, I have seen many of you do just that (with no skills and nothing to fall back on) whilst I really made my life educated and better.

Ems... go to college or uni... there is so much support for you to knock the smug down a peg or two. (childcare included). Happy to give my tax to that!. x

DangerMouse17 · 09/10/2018 22:21

Completely agree CookingGood

Working couples are a totally different issue here. Regardless of challenges there are TWO PARENTS contributing to the family. A single parent has to take it all on one salary, with all the added stressed around making sure they don't drop the ball on homework, uniforms, school harvest festival donations, bill payments, their child's health...need I go on...

Sigh.

LittleHootie · 09/10/2018 22:23

The only people who should be judged on this thread are the OP's exes.

Does everyone plan babies based on "I might end up alone and my partner might turn into a nightmare ex who shirks responsibility"? No.

Men know they can get away with it. Justify it to themselves by assuming the benefits will plug the gap. It's depressingly common.