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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu or does anyone else think the system is set up to fail single mothers ?

269 replies

Ems8818 · 09/10/2018 20:50

So I’m a single mum to 4 . Three eldest from one dad who does see them at all and occasionally pays £18 a month Maintance, he has £13000 dept with csa which is never enforced as when ever they catch up with him he’s unemployed.
My youngest is only 5months and receives £160 a month maintenance. This is equivalent to 8% of his dads income .
Am I the only one who thinks the way child maintenance is calculated is wrong ? I’ve received a really good job offer which will provide long term security to me and my kids however im going have to turn it down as to be able to take the job my childcare costs will be £450 a week , tax credits will only pay £220 so the extra will need to come from my wages .
The baby’s dad will not have him at all to try and reduce the cost . Surly it would be more fair if cms considered things like this when working out they’re maintenance

OP posts:
Glovesick · 09/10/2018 22:26

I am a single mum to 1 child, get no cms. I work full time in a well paid job. There are no other mums that work FT, they all work PT and have partners. It is really tough.

I get no additional support for being a single mum. I get one set of childcare vouchers, not 2 like 2 parent families. I can't progress my career like others as I can't afford babysitters out of hours all the time and I have to use my leave to cover school hols.

No way on God's earth is it easier being a single parent.

Oh, and before the smug judgy brigade come on: My exH went to prison for historic child sex offences after dd was born. And has now (he is out) decided to spend his time pursuing hobbies and living for free at his parents. He can't be arsed to work, pay cms and isn't allowed near DD.

If I lost my job because I can't handle the stress, I would be on benefits. I absolutely want to avoid this and consider mtself lucky I have so far, but would never judge single parents for it.

Allineedyoutodois · 09/10/2018 22:26

IStand - i’ve Read the OP posts and focused on the bitnwhere she thinks the government should sort out her exes for her.

GunpowderGelatine · 09/10/2018 22:28

i’ve Read the OP posts and focused on the bitnwhere she thinks the government should sort out her exes for her.

They absolutely should. They soon chase people who haven't paid the right tax, not paying maintenance for your children puts an enormous dent in the economy and it's nothing short of an epidemic. I'd say the government are the perfect people to sort this out and only wish there were legal penalties for non payers

CookingGood · 09/10/2018 22:29

DangerMouse17

It’s why I hate these type of threads. You always get one who begrudges the tiny amount of financial help SPs get, not realising its the mental and emotional help that’s just as important.

Also hate the ‘my husband was away for 2 days, how do you single parents do it? you deserve a medal’ fuckwits too.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 09/10/2018 22:29

Wagonwheels - No of course I dont think many people choose to have a life on benefits. FYI I am a single parent with a child that has extra needs, so know all about how hard it is. But I do think people dont consider enough the choices they make that leads them to be a single parent on benefits. It almost happens 'accidentally', when it is usually entirely avoidable.

What do you think the solution is? Putting the irresponsible parent in jail, at tax payers expense? How exactly will that make things better? as much as I would like that scenario in my case?

IStandWithPosie · 09/10/2018 22:32

IStand - i’ve Read the OP posts and focused on the bitnwhere she thinks the government should sort out her exes for her.

So who should sort them out? They won’t do it themselves, should OP send her big brothers round with a baseball bat? Should she go herself and speak nicely to them? What should she do if her children’s father’s refuse to be responsible for their children? Where can she go for help if not her fucking government?

CookingGood · 09/10/2018 22:34

What do you think the solution is? Putting the irresponsible parent in jail, at tax payers expense? How exactly will that make things better? as much as I would like that scenario in my case?

Government pay all child support to resident parent then bill the non resident parent.

Dandygal1976 · 09/10/2018 22:37

Dandgermouse.. I am more Batthink person myself (you can't hurt me.. my wings are like a shield of steel!. Ha ha),

It depends on the situation.. I think sometimes it is easier on your own.

Foofloofah · 09/10/2018 22:38

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ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/10/2018 22:40

ctually the system supports single mothers more than working couples. Single parents are more likely to get state help with everything including housing costs

Gosh. I wonder why that is? Because, possibly, maybe, one adult family likely to earn less than two adult family? Not exactly rocket science.

And for your information, Tax Credits expect 16 hours out of 40 work for single parents compared with 24 out of 80 for a two parent family. Two tax free amounts, as opposed to one. No tax rebate on lower income households with one adult. And a higher earner of £60k single parent gets no Child Benefit compared with two earners at £45k each who would be entitled to the full amount.

No. The system is absolutely NOT set in favour of single parents. And that’s before we discuss the CSA/CMS.

GreenTulips · 09/10/2018 22:40

Unfortunately OP it has been this way for such a long time!

Wouldn't it be good if you could keep receipts for all your child's needs, food, clothes, share of the bills, clubs, trips etc and then 'bill' the father for their share?

I'm not talking exotic holidays or designer coats, but just life's basics.

You're absolutely right women get the short straw which in turn means so do the kids

GreenLantern53 · 09/10/2018 22:42

what I dont get is if they were all wanted how comes the fathers dont bother with them at all?

IStandWithPosie · 09/10/2018 22:42

No one else is rrsponsible to look after you FFS.

She never wanted anyone to look after her! She wants the father’s to look after their children, not even fully as she is already doing that, but just to contribute a realistic amount.

dinosaurkisses · 09/10/2018 22:45

Can someone explain why CSA can’t be collected like PAYE taxes and National Insurance?

Surely that would be way more cost effective for the state than chasing those who don’t pay?

Wagonwheelsandstrawberryjam · 09/10/2018 22:45

@Walkingdeadfangirl how is it entirely avoidable? Nobody is able to see or predict the future, I agree that there are people out there who have babies as a cash cow and know they will be a single parent, but do it anyway.
Then on the flip side you have people like me who waited, got to know someone and still ended up as a single parent.

You can discuss everything with your partner at the time until your blue in the face, but shit still happens.

What do I think the solution is? For the government to come down harder on Nrps who shirk their responsability, do not pay benefits for any subsequent children if it's their 3rd child as they do with mothers, force them to take a certain amount of shared days off with their sick child, make them pay half of all childcare costs and force them to have regular contact.
In most cases a child was planned, therefore they at some point wanted to be a parent just because you leave the relationship doesn't mean you leave your child, these parents get away with too much and it's because they know they can.

Original poster
Ems8818 · 09/10/2018 22:45

Foofloofah your really made me laugh - I am sucking it up buttercup and will continue to do so I’m just interested in other people’s views on absent parents .
I hope you can suck as well as me if your shit hits the fan thou lol . I’m sure if it does and you struggle thou some of the helpful people on here will help you out even if it’s just moral support, just remember thou you’ll have to ignore the completely irrelevant judgmental individuals who think they know your life story

OP posts:
rotavixsucks · 09/10/2018 22:45

@CookingGood if DH left me financially I would be better off than we are now as a couple.

My salary would not cover childcare, food etc but the government would foot the bill and there would be more left over than there is currently.

My point was it's not just single parents who find it difficult to go to work due to the cost of childcare. OP was talking about would it be worth it-in my case financially it's not worth it.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/10/2018 22:46

The problem is the more support you give single parents, the more you incentivize people to become single parents

Do be serious. Very few people set out to be single parents. I did it by the book - education, travel, a career, a husband I didn’t have a child with until I’d been with him 6 years, own business etc. Didn’t stop him having an affair or dodging child maintenance. He’s en educated man and knows better but no one has been able to force him to pay in 10 years. I mean, he’d be mad to, right?!

jaxhwc · 09/10/2018 22:46

I just don't get how they work it all out though. £180 a month is what you might scrape by on for food, clothing etc. why don't they have to pay towards the roof that houses them? There was another post about this recently where the woman got a comparably large sum of money but still compared to how much the dad actually earned he was paying out nothing and she had to pay the mortgage alone for the house the kids live in.

sue51 · 09/10/2018 22:47

The governmant should make life difficult for NRPs who don't support their children. The cms should actually use their powers and revoke passports and driving licenses from those who default. Extra payments should be taken from the NRP who decides he/She does not want to see or be involved in their child's life, its hard to be totally alone. Make it impossible for self employed parents to work the system to their advantage. Publically shame those who avoid paying.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/10/2018 22:47

Can someone explain why CSA can’t be collected like PAYE taxes and National Insurance?

It can and is if you are PAYE. Not everyone is. Self employment, agency workers, cash in hand are all problematic.

Dandygal1976 · 09/10/2018 22:47

IStandWithPosie - if you have a civil dispute.. where do you go? I am not sure, but last I was aware the CSA was introducing charges last Year. Does anyone know if this happened? If it did the it is a nil cost civil dispute surely... at the stupid % they were proposing?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/10/2018 22:49

My salary would not cover childcare, food etc but the government would foot the bill and there would be more left over than there is currently

Hahahahaha! You are deluded. Utterly deluded.

IStandWithPosie · 09/10/2018 22:49

My point was it's not just single parents who find it difficult to go to work due to the cost of childcare. OP was talking about would it be worth it-in my case financially it's not worth it.

So does your husband not live with you and your children? Why can’t you do like so many others and work opposite shifts? What age are the children?

Dandygal1976 · 09/10/2018 22:51

All those that are negative.. tell us your background.