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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if my husband ever left me I’d leave him with the kids

404 replies

DieAntword · 09/10/2018 14:51

I’ve told him this, if he ever leaves, he isn’t going to swan off into the sunset and have a whale of a time. He keeps the kids. I can’t cope with looking after them after being abandoned like that and I need the space to pull myself together emotionally.

I’m currently a SAHM and absolutely the primary caregiver and I don’t think he actually would ever leave, but he isn’t saddling me with the life of a single mum if he does. He can be the single mum and I can be the fun part time dad thanks.

I’ve paid my dues. If he wants to do with out me he’ll have to pay someone for childcare.

OP posts:
Postino · 09/10/2018 18:37

Bloobs my dc's dad is widely considered a great father. He has them 2 nights a week and doesn't pay maintenance. Not a single person is outraged. This is the reality for me and many others, please don't deny it. The tragedy is I don't see how the situation will improve for future generations of women

Lovelygiraffe · 09/10/2018 18:42

It's very true that plenty of dads do very, very little for their children and are hailed as great dads.

It's extremely taboo for women to leave the family home but men do it all the time and no one bats an eyelid.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 09/10/2018 18:49

If anything happened between DH and me, he would have the DC, I would visit. Its a horrible realisation, but that's how it would be. Thankfully, he is an amazing man and I doubt there is anything life could throw at us that would break us apart, and if it did, we would both be there for the DC. If anything happened to DH, I'm not sure what would happen to the DC. I don't know whether I could keep them on my own, I'm not stable enough.

1tisILeClerc · 09/10/2018 18:52

Once a child is born, the only thing a man can't do is breastfeed.
A male friend raised a child very happily when his wife died.
Baby changing facilities that men can use was a major source of discontent.

PookieDo · 09/10/2018 18:58

Ok whilst I agree with this being the norm for men to leave reality is that isn’t just judgement from society that keeps women with their children after a split it is also a desire, an instinct and also a sense of responsibility. I see a lot of women on MN who can’t bear the thought of ACTUALLY having to send their DC away at Xmas, holidays etc. All of this is hypothetical anyway - you don’t know how you will feel until it happens to you!

BrightLightsAndSound · 09/10/2018 18:59

Good for you OP!

DoraJar · 09/10/2018 19:01

We always said (to each other) leave whenever you want - but you leave with the kids (youngest is now 22!)

dawnacorns · 09/10/2018 19:09

My exh gets seemingly no judgement for having just fucked off to do as he pleases, certainly his girlfriend doesn't seem to mind and in fact I'm fairly certain that together they slate me for taking some of his money and 'not working hard enough' while bringing up his kids pretty much single handedly. He's far better off than me, his career hasn't suffered in the least of course and I've even been told that I'm lucky that he pays maintenance. Hmm
It's when you're left in the shit in this situation that you really see the inequality and double standards writ large.
I'm glad to have my kids but I've no doubt the ex would be severely shocked if he was actually responsible for looking after them. It would be very different all round if men weren't expected to do this in the way women aren't expected to.

Lovelygiraffe · 09/10/2018 19:14

It's so true dawnacorns.

Charley50 · 09/10/2018 19:15

Not rtft yet, but I get what your saying. If a man doesn't want to be part of a family anymore, let him be the one who brings up the kids alone.
Of course in reality this rarely (didn't say never!) happens.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/10/2018 19:22

If a man doesn't want to be part of a family anymore, let him be the one who brings up the kids alone.
On the other hand, if a man decides he doesn't love you any more, should he also take your kids away from you, claim through CMS and tell you when you're allowed to see them?

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 09/10/2018 19:24

I don’t even have kids but I think I understand where you’re coming from, OP. I see so many threads on here where men have left soon after kids come along because they miss their freedom and their ‘me time’. It makes me so angry because women are just expected to get on with it.

FWIW my mum left when I was a teenager and my siblings and I lived full-time with our dad. I always felt like people were really shocked at the situation, in a way which they simply wouldn’t have been if it were my dad leaving my mum. It’s so deeply ingrained in people’s minds that men leave and women stay with the children.

Bananamanfan · 09/10/2018 19:27

You make a really good point, op. Totally get where you are coming from and the thought of DH having the DCs after a split doesn't terrify me in the way it did when I was younger and dc1 was little.
You've got some very odd responses. This needs to be discussed more widely.

MargoLovebutter · 09/10/2018 19:27

SleepingStandingUp extraordinarily that does seem to be what the OP and some posters on here are suggesting!

Truly sad that so many see DC as bargaining chips.

Newsofas · 09/10/2018 19:27

My ex fucked off to live with OW leaving me with the kids. Most of the time it is ok. Occasionally I think To myself “how on earth did I end up in this position as a single parent”. He never wanted 50:50 and sees them EOW. All his choice. I hope the kids appreciate what I’ve done and given up when they are older.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/10/2018 19:29

lisasimpsonssaxophone raised by my Dad in the 80's because my mum left, people can never quite control their quick enough when they know can they? My ex's mother always worried about us settling down together because of if

Lovelygiraffe · 09/10/2018 19:32

Sleepingstandingup what are you droning on about? Your posts make no sense.

Lovelygiraffe · 09/10/2018 19:36

And women generally only go to the CMS when their children's fathers won't buy them so much as a pair of socks.

ImNotonLinkedInNo · 09/10/2018 19:36

I like that you said that to your husband!

I don't think it's any more dysfunctional than leaving a husband with the belief throughout the marriage that he alone has the option to start again, walk away, reclaim freedom. Let's face it, men do have that OPTION. It's a shitty choice, but it is still there as a choice to them. I think that if the man is not abusive, to say, nope, I consider myself like a man to ahve that choice too.. It would make him think.

MrBeansXmasTurkey · 09/10/2018 19:38

No way. I'd fight to keep the kids as much as possible if they were little.
However my dd is 14 and has already decided what she would do in this situation as some friends have divorced parents, she wants to live with me and dh to be a disney dad.

buscaution · 09/10/2018 19:38

they have to live with someone and I’d rather it be him so I can have the freedom to do whatever I like to make up for my broken heart.

Yeah. Of course. Never mind what that would do to your kids hearts Hmm

Incredibly selfish to suggest you would leave your kids with their father to prevent him 'swanning off'. Perhaps a more mature approach would help you appreciate what the children need rather then what you don't want him to do. It makes you no better.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 09/10/2018 19:38

My DH would make a much better single parent than I would, he stays calm, doesn't get stressed out by the kids' mess and is more organised than me. He does his share of driving them to extra curricular stuff. Even though he's the main breadwinner and I stayed at home while the DC were younger, I still think he'd do a better job of looking after them, due to my history of PND. At several points in the llast decade I have thought I made a huge mistake having children and am not really suited to motherhood, but I do my best.

The kids would probably only get bathed once a week and I bet he'd forget to check up on their homework though, but apart from that, they'd be well looked after. I love my kids so much but I am a much calmer, more reasonable person when they're not around!! Grin

SleepingStandingUp · 09/10/2018 19:41

Lovelygiraffe you might need to narrow it down a bit.

I did miss the word face out of my last one, which I concede makes it not make much sense. I was merely agreeing with the PP about how shocked people are when they find out your mother left and your father raised you.

Or my previous one about the leaving parent should take the children? That one person deciding they're not in love with the other shouldn't give them the right to just take the kids away, control access and then want paying to have done so? Actually sex is irrelevant, I don't think being a woman gives me a right to just walk out on DH with DS. If you want to leave a marriage /relationship then that's a decision you make for yourself unless there's abuse etc so tge kids are at risk.

I've droned on a lot so if it's an earlier one you'll have to cut and paste and highlight as I need to go and do the washing up

SleepingStandingUp · 09/10/2018 19:44

SugarMiceInTheRain if you split up though that's a completly different scenario Re who has the kids to OP who just wants to go out and have fun and who seems to think leaving the kids to get drunk is the only way to get over it. God knows what she'd do if god forbid something fatal happened to him

stressedtiredbuthappy · 09/10/2018 19:47

So glad I'm a single mum by choice, I'd hate to be so desperate for a man that I fuck up my kids head with this utter shit. Congrats to all the ladies who can cope alone or were capable of choosing a decent life partner.