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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if my husband ever left me I’d leave him with the kids

404 replies

DieAntword · 09/10/2018 14:51

I’ve told him this, if he ever leaves, he isn’t going to swan off into the sunset and have a whale of a time. He keeps the kids. I can’t cope with looking after them after being abandoned like that and I need the space to pull myself together emotionally.

I’m currently a SAHM and absolutely the primary caregiver and I don’t think he actually would ever leave, but he isn’t saddling me with the life of a single mum if he does. He can be the single mum and I can be the fun part time dad thanks.

I’ve paid my dues. If he wants to do with out me he’ll have to pay someone for childcare.

OP posts:

MakeAWhish · 09/10/2018 19:49

Please don't make light of husbands leaving families, OP. It happened to me, and the only thing that kept me together were my DC. It would have been excruciatingly lonely and bleak without them.

Original poster

DieAntword · 09/10/2018 19:50

I don’t want to “get drunk”. Don’t even drink now. I want time and space to focus on myself and my plans for the future in the event all my previous plans were taken from me.

And yeah if he died I would need that too. In both cases I’d move in with my parents for a bit to work out my next steps, but obviously if he was dead I’d be the only parent left so they’d have to come with me.

Dunno what I’ll do when my parents die though. Honestly I want to have a viable plan in place for when that happens but I can’t even think what I’ll do if all my support people died. Maybe I could beg my cousin to take me in for a bit. I know I couldn’t cope on my own.

OP posts:

MargoLovebutter · 09/10/2018 19:56

I’m confused- why can’t you have time to think about your future now DieAntword? What has this got to do with leaving your DH with the DC if he left you?

Original poster

DieAntword · 09/10/2018 19:59

Well because my future as I see it now is with my family. If I never get left those plans all work fine. If I don’t then there’s infinite possible variations on my circumstances and any plans I make in that circumstance need to take those unknowns into account.

OP posts:

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 09/10/2018 20:02

’You're happy enough spending his money to have a holiday from the world of work op. If anybody's "paid their dues" it's him!’

Said like a true Disney Dad™️

Persiangirl · 09/10/2018 20:07

Maybe I’m off too but I have also said to my husband if we break up he has to have complete 50/50 split custody, I don’t want to cope with a feral toddler on my own. I was a single Mum many years ago with my first child and I’m not prepared to do it again. Could be an age thing, I’m now 40 and looking forward to doing some “me” things again.
I do like your post OP!

nicelyneurotic · 09/10/2018 20:08

YANBU

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 09/10/2018 20:23

@TheFormidableMrsC wow you’ve had quite a journey with your autistic child and asshole ex! Sorry to hear that. Sounds like you are doing well, good for you.

Dillydallyingthrough · 09/10/2018 20:30

OP I genuinely do hope you're ok

I work full time and am a single parent, no matter how upset, drained or how I struggle I have never had the thought of leaving her with anyone for longer than an evening (and I'm really not the martyr type!)

The part that concerned me in your post was- Maybe but the reality is I’m not going to be on my best behaviour if I have been walked out on. If he’s the one doing the leaving he’d probably have been silently processing it before I was even aware but I’ll be expected to come to terms with it immediately after some bombshell

You seem to have really imagined the situation, rather than joking with a DP/DH PP have discussed.

I hope if it is a case that you just need a break you get one soon.

Toomuchworking · 09/10/2018 20:31

Na I'm with you OP. We did the hard bit at the start, the rest is up to them in all fairness.
Me and DH were having a rough time a few months ago and I said I was going to stay with my mum (200 miles away) for a couple of weeks to sort my head out. He exclaimed, "No, evil wench! You will not tear my sweet children from me, it will shatter my heart!" (or something similarly dramatic). I responded that it was fine, he could keep the kids and why was he assuming I'd take them with me?
His face made me laugh for the first time in what felt like months.

zsazsajuju · 09/10/2018 20:33

How awful- I remember sitting on the children’s panel a long time ago. A boy had been shoplifting because he heard his parents have a conversation following divorce and neither of them wanted him.

Maybe you are serious, maybe you’re not but what a horrible thing to joke about. Your poor kids. You do realise that as the non resident parent you will need to get a job and support them.

Lots of men abandon their kids and don’t involve themselves in their lives. Shame on them. It’s nothing to emulate.

I’m a single parent. It’s tough but I wouldn’t give up a minute of my kids.

zsazsajuju · 09/10/2018 20:35

Sounds like you rather enjoy not being an adult. Unfortunately like too many parents.

FishesThatFly · 09/10/2018 20:36

OP... STBXH left for OW last year. I have often pondered what would have happened if l'd said that I'd go and he could be resident parent....

In fact l do know.... him and OW wouldn't have lasted as they wouldn't be able to go out running and biking every night as they wouldn't have a built in babysitter (me). Plus the stress of two children, one with autism is a relationship killer

Original poster

DieAntword · 09/10/2018 20:39

You seem to have really imagined the situation, rather than joking with a DP/DH PP have discussed.

If by imagined you mean read the many mumsnet threads about it happening to other people then yeah.

I can’t imagine my husband doing that, but hey, I imagine no one imagines it happening to them until it does.

I’d say there’s a very low chance that he has a mid life crisis or something and leaves one day, say a 1-5% chance. But I am pretty sure there is only an infinitesimal chance he lets his kids go in care rather than take them on himself. I mean barring some kind of dementia or personality altering brain injury in which case I’d approach the entire situation in a very different way.

OP posts:

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 09/10/2018 20:41

OP, it sounds as if you're exhausted and struggling at the moment.

I'm assuming your DCs are fairly young - honestly, it gets easier to make future plans once they're older.

Re. Losing your support system. Don't underestimate yourself, you could and would manage for your DC's sakes.

If you're really feeling down, please go and see your GP. I had a bad spell last year and got through it with some help.

Take care.

pallisers · 09/10/2018 20:47

You do realise that as the non resident parent you will need to get a job and support them.

You might want to make a public service announcement about that. Both parts seem to have eluded many non resident fathers (the getting a job and as a separate thing the supporting them).

I'm actually reading a book at the moment where the "heroine" does just what the OP says (SPOILER ALERT Sunburn by Laura Lippman) - she realises that her husband is about to walk off and she can see the years ahead of being the only parent and the child maintenance checks getting spottier and rarer and so she preempts him by leaving herself. He is outraged at being left holding the baby even though he planned to do the same to her.

DD (teenager) interviewed me once about relationships/marriage for a school project. As a joke at the end I said we stayed together because neither of us could bear to get sole custody of the children. teacher was amused apparently.

RollerJed · 09/10/2018 20:51

OP I've said to my dh if he has an affair and leaves I won't be pretending to our dc that he's a good guy. I think affairs are unforgivable.

I don't know why any woman wouldn't think about what a split would mean. Maybe that's why there are so many threads in relationship about this, they've been totally blindsided by it.

chillpizza · 09/10/2018 21:00

I think I’d demand 50/50 why should the man get all the good minimum times while the woman does all the hard work. I’d need to get a decent career going after being a sahm doing volunteer work. He wants to be a parent well that’s 50%.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 09/10/2018 21:03

It’s interesting to think about. For many men divorce is a way out of responsibility.

Unfortunately for many of us, like me, I left my Ex because he was irresponsible, lazy and selfish. He would have happily had full custody but our son would have ended up in parenting chaos and his mum would be doing loads. If he’d been a potentially great full time good father I wouldn’t have left him!

And yet... he would have had to face the reality of single parenting. His relationship with extrememly young gf would not have survived 5 minutes. He could not have taken all those holidays. Afforded the flats just for one (never had a bedroom for our son), could never have worked so erratically, never have spent so much time socializing...
... he pays petiful maintenance, moans constantly, hardly sees his son, does zero parenting but everyone thinks he’s an amazing Dad.

If it weren’t for my kids welfare he really should have been left with the kids!

SleepingStandingUp · 09/10/2018 21:06

I want time and space to focus on myself and my plans for the future cos God forbid your heartbroken children who have had to process Dad saying he's leaving and then mum disappearing off into the distance need you.

Sorry but when a family breaks up it isn't just you that gets hurt.

MargoLovebutter · 09/10/2018 21:10

chillpizza you can demand all you like but there is no way of enforcing those demands as the law stands at the moment.

AnotherDayAnotherDollarRight · 09/10/2018 21:17

Pre kids I would have been horrified at the idea of single parenting. Now I have them I'd struggle with having to share their care. I wouldn't want Dh to have sole custody. I'd be jealous. I'd hate whoever his new partner was having greater access to my dcs than I did. It would drive me half mad!

seeyouhen · 09/10/2018 21:18

’You're happy enough spending his money to have a holiday from the world of work op. If anybody's "paid their dues" it's him!’

Said like a true Disney Dad™️

Excellent!

Iwantaunicorn · 09/10/2018 21:21

I’ve told my dh the same thing - that we should split up, get another place and we’ll take it in turns staying with the kids. It was lighthearted, we both picked it up and ran with it, dreaming of time to ourselves and sleep. In our defence, we have twins who’d given up sleeping, and were teething and weaning

Thebluedog · 09/10/2018 21:24

I can actually see where the OP is coming from. I’ve been a single parent and there were some days I’d dream about being able to be the Disney Dad (Mum) and just have the fun times eow.

Someone I know, not well, split from her husband, she was getting a fair bit of sympathy from people she knew, however as soon as people found out her ex has the children, and she sees them eow, the sympathy dried up. Suddenly she was this crap mother who abandoned her dc. I never heard people say that about her ex when people presumed she was the primary carer.

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