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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if my husband ever left me I’d leave him with the kids

404 replies

DieAntword · 09/10/2018 14:51

I’ve told him this, if he ever leaves, he isn’t going to swan off into the sunset and have a whale of a time. He keeps the kids. I can’t cope with looking after them after being abandoned like that and I need the space to pull myself together emotionally.

I’m currently a SAHM and absolutely the primary caregiver and I don’t think he actually would ever leave, but he isn’t saddling me with the life of a single mum if he does. He can be the single mum and I can be the fun part time dad thanks.

I’ve paid my dues. If he wants to do with out me he’ll have to pay someone for childcare.

OP posts:
Beebopdooowopdo · 09/10/2018 18:11

To clarify I don’t agree with the OP that either parent should have the children full time.

IrishMumInLondon · 09/10/2018 18:11

Wow what a bitter post. Ranting and raving about how you wouldn't want your kids any more than on a part time basis in the event a hypothetical break up which isn't even happening occurs. Such negative stuff to full your head with. Why not consentrate on being in a happy relationship and being a good mum instead of planning what you would do in hypothetical unpleasant situations. And if you did split up shouldn't what happens with the kids be about what's best for them (whatever option that is) - you are making it all about you. When you are a parent the kids come first. Or they should do. Your emotions and what you need come second place.

DancingForTheDog · 09/10/2018 18:11

@MaxDArnold anyone who thinks that being a stay at home parent is the easy option has quite obviously never done it. When I had our first DC I planned on being a SAHM, we had both agreed it would be for the best. I couldn't stand it! I was climbing the walls and really not nice to be around after about 4 months. I couldn't wait for DH to get home so I could hand DC to him and have my personal space back. Going back to work (slowly building up from 2 mornings to 3 full days over a couple of years) probably saved our marriage and my sanity. I always said I went to work for a break! It gave me a chance to miss my DC and I was then happy to be at home when not at work. I absolutely take my hat off to anyone who is a SAHP, it's so tough!

TinyWee · 09/10/2018 18:12

I get you OP.

Postino · 09/10/2018 18:14

I think the OP's point is that she sees this happening all the time irl and on MN, and feels angry on behalf of the women who have to take on all, or almost all, of the responsibility.

Postino · 09/10/2018 18:16

And it's a really good point about needing space to pull yourself together emotionally, if you spend all your waking time working and/or looking after the dc. That's certainly something I struggled with. While cocklodger stbxh had a fraction of the commitment (OW looked after him) and almost infinitely more free time to process his feelings.

OutPinked · 09/10/2018 18:18

Men can fuck off and barely see their kids but still be hailed as a great father for the time they do spend with them. If women did the same, they’d be absolutely slated.

My XH has always had the dc for 24 hours a week and pays the bare minimum. He moved in with a new woman and her DC about a month after we split and he obviously puts more effort and energy into her children as a result. He has even been on holidays abroad with them and left our children out. If I did this, can you even imagine? I’d feel like the worst mother in existence tbh but it’s somehow acceptable if a man does it.

YANBU at all, whatever works for you.

UsedtobeFeckless · 09/10/2018 18:23

My brother's ex-wife did this and it worked out rather well for everyone, bizarrely ... She got space to deal with her issues, the kids got to stay at home and see their Mum regularly and DB kept his head together because he had to! All parties are happily re-married now. There was lots of "Oooh, she never did" type comments at the time but actually l think it was a brave decision based on what was best for her children ...

mollyblack · 09/10/2018 18:23

Dh and i have had similar conversations, i’ve made it clear that should we separate we will be as close to 50/50 as practically possible. One of our dc is autistic and neither of us have family support so its the only fair way. I love my children dearly and I am already their 90% carer. Doing that without a supportive partner or any financial support would absolutely cripple me. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Haahhpy · 09/10/2018 18:24

Hope your kids never read that.

PorkFlute · 09/10/2018 18:24

Selfish. You’re a sahm but would want dad to have custody so you were free to have fun and heal your broken heart? What about your kids broken hearts? Shouldn’t their well-being and continuity of care come first? Rather than have them deal with a split and the fact they will hardly see the person who has done the bulk of looking after them anymore.
And before anyone says anything I think men who fuck off and have minimal contact are selfish as well. Moreso if they disappeared after being a sahd.

QueenOfIce · 09/10/2018 18:25

But what if they do split up? Neither are planning on leaving each other but none of us can ever say with 100% certainty that our relationships will always remain intact. Nothing wrong with popping the thought out there so he knows where he might stand in such a situation.

It's all very easy for men to leave and start over, obviously not all men that would be a massive generalisation Grin I think the op was being lighthearted. I sometimes wonder about the humour on mn!

MargoLovebutter · 09/10/2018 18:25

Men can fuck off and barely see their kids but still be hailed as a great father for the time they do spend with them.

I disagree. Know one thinks my ex-H is a great father, specially not his DC. No one on MN has any time for those Dads either. The only person who rates them is themselves.

triwarrior · 09/10/2018 18:25

As for all the “why have you even had that conversation” comments, I’ve certainly thought about what my options would be if I were to become divorced or widowed. It’s got nothing to do with my love for my husband, or my optimism about our future - but I have three young children who I might one day be supporting alone. Best to give it some thought...

PorkFlute · 09/10/2018 18:28

Actually why not both fuck off and start again and have the children go into care. So long as the parents are happy hey? Not like lessening the disruption for the children or considering their feelings should matter. And I’m sure you’d be able to visit Hmm

thisneverendingsummer · 09/10/2018 18:28

What a weird opening post!

That said, women do almost always end up getting to keep and look after the kids, whilst the man fucks off and lives an easy, child free bachelor life! Never take the kids do they? Would spoilt their fun!

thisneverendingsummer · 09/10/2018 18:28

Would SPOIL their fun. Not spoilt.

NameChanger22 · 09/10/2018 18:28

OP - you have cheered me up, your post is refreshing.

It feels very unfair as a single parent to do all the hard work and make all the sacrifices only to be looked down on by society.

I personally could never have walked away though. I wouldn't have wanted to. Even if I had wanted to DD's father was such a terrible father it would have resulted in DD being taken into care.

lexi727 · 09/10/2018 18:29

Isn't love beautiful

Itsnotmesothere · 09/10/2018 18:29

@UsedtobeFeckless. It was good for her too and such a brave decision.
Too many men leave and as a result don't even witness the consequences of their actions. The women that they leave have so many new realities to adjust to.

Beebopdooowopdo · 09/10/2018 18:31

Porkflute don't be so sodding dramatic. When a family breaks up, someone has to move out. Just because OP is a woman doesn’t mean it would be shitty if it was her. Bringing up social services?! Christ alive!

Bloobs · 09/10/2018 18:33

"No one on MN has any time for those Dads either. The only person who rates them is themselves."

Well, and quite often their adoring new girlfriend who falls for their lies that their ex is a psycho bitch. Very commonly seen on here!

Willyoujustbequiet · 09/10/2018 18:33

I think there are quite a few naive posters.

Newsflash....you cant enforce 50/50 or whatever if they refuse. You cant force a dad to have them. A court can't force it either.

So you either remain the SAHM or they would go into care.

dolphinhusband · 09/10/2018 18:34

that personal attack was frankly unwarranted

😂😂 anyway...

dolphinhusband · 09/10/2018 18:36

anyone who thinks that being a stay at home parent is the easy option has quite obviously never done it. When I had our first DC I planned on being a SAHM, we had both agreed it would be for the best. I couldn't stand it! I was climbing the walls and really not nice to be around after about 4 months. I couldn't wait for DH to get home so I could hand DC to him and have my personal space back. Going back to work (slowly building up from 2 mornings to 3 full days over a couple of years) probably saved our marriage and my sanity. I always said I went to work for a break! It gave me a chance to miss my DC and I was then happy to be at home when not at work. I absolutely take my hat off to anyone who is a SAHP, it's so tough!

I’ve been a SAHM for 3 years and all I can say is I envy you Grin I love my kids but I’m not ashamed to say I hate it