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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if my husband ever left me I’d leave him with the kids

404 replies

DieAntword · 09/10/2018 14:51

I’ve told him this, if he ever leaves, he isn’t going to swan off into the sunset and have a whale of a time. He keeps the kids. I can’t cope with looking after them after being abandoned like that and I need the space to pull myself together emotionally.

I’m currently a SAHM and absolutely the primary caregiver and I don’t think he actually would ever leave, but he isn’t saddling me with the life of a single mum if he does. He can be the single mum and I can be the fun part time dad thanks.

I’ve paid my dues. If he wants to do with out me he’ll have to pay someone for childcare.

OP posts:
Dljlr · 09/10/2018 17:27

Fair play to you. Ex and I never even discussed it, it was assumed by us both that DS would stay with me (he's a pretty useless father though). He has him every other weekend for 2 nights that's it. Little to no holiday cover in summer / half term, minimum maintenance payments and so on. Moved hours away so no assistance with school runs or any presence at school events. Absolute twunt. If I'd had your attitude op he'd have shat himself.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/10/2018 17:32

MaxDArnold you come and do what I do and hold down a job around it and then I will.

dolphinhusband · 09/10/2018 17:36

This reply has been deleted

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MaxDArnold · 09/10/2018 17:37

@dolphinhusband - that personal attack was frankly unwarranted

Postino · 09/10/2018 17:37

Yeah let's not get derailed, this is such an interesting discussion

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/10/2018 17:37

I gave up a career and a life under intense pressure from my "D"P who suddenly decided after more than a decade of marriage that he wanted to be a father, having always said that he didn't. I made it clear at the beginning of our relationship that I didn't want more children (I had one DD). I was 42. What happened? After two years he decided it wasn't for him after all, had an affair and fucked off with OW leaving me with an autistic two year old. Funnily enough, he and OW thought I was going to hand DS over to them as they had "decorated a bedroom" and "you don't really want him anyway". WTAF? Their behaviour degenerated to such a point that court awarded him the most minimal contact they could. I often wonder what would have happened had I just handed DS over. They wouldn't have lasted 5 mins. Fortunately, despite their fuckwittery, he's an amazing little boy and I am very happy that he has at least one, sane, stable parent. I do get where you're coming from OP but believe me, the reality of actually being in that situation is very very different.

Angel75 · 09/10/2018 17:39

Was this thread for real? My boys father would get them over my dead body. Its like your arguing over who doesn't get the children, they must feel so loved...

Postino · 09/10/2018 17:42

It's just a thought experiment though isn't it, when you're still happily together. A very illuminating one

Itsnotmesothere · 09/10/2018 17:45

I totally get you OP. OK,so your post won't win any prizes for romance Grinbut I don't find your post odd at all.
Would men really leave to find themselves Hmmor live in their love nest with OW if they had primary care of the kids?
I think a lot might think twice. I don't really think society has progressed that much.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/10/2018 17:47

I think a man who had a wife who left him with the kids would find a replacement quite quickly.

Not so from the other way around, but I think men are pragmatic.

It's an odd conversation to have OP and perhaps things are not as happy in your relationship as you think they are. If not, then those prickly points should be addressed head on.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/10/2018 17:48

Angel75 it might actually reassure Op's DP to know that if he leaves he hasn't got toeace the kids too

seeyouhen · 09/10/2018 17:51

You're happy enough spending his money to have a holiday from the world of work op. If anybody's "paid their dues" it's him!

Grin What an absolute wanker.

MaxDArnold · 09/10/2018 17:52

@seeyouhen - it's true though!

OldShuck · 09/10/2018 17:54

Totally get where you're coming from op, but the reality might be different.

NamedyChangedy · 09/10/2018 17:55

OP, I completely see where you're coming from. We're socially conditioned to see woman as the main parent, the ones who couldn't bear to not have their little darlings with them full time. It creates the martyr syndrome you see a lot of here, and the anxiety that goes along with it. Why shouldn't the man be the primary parent for a while?

So many women sacrifice their careers, financial stability and mental health in the event of a break-up - true equality would mean the OP being free to do exactly what she's described.

And I don't even think it's that odd a conversation to have - I've jovially informed DH that in the event of infidelity I'll be relieving him of his genitalia with a blunt knife GrinHe laughed. Nervously.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/10/2018 17:56

@seeyouhen - it's true though!

That you're a wanker? Well you're self awareness is impressive.

Think SAHP is a holiday from work just shows you how little you actually understand being one.

It's absolutely fine to both work and share it but if that isn't possible it doesn't mean the sahp is sitting in their arse picking their nose all day

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 09/10/2018 17:56

As a SAHM could you go back to earning sufficient to cover your bills, cover maintenance and 50% childcare costs?

Since when fathers are now

  • paying CM according to needs rather than what they earn
  • paying for 50% of childcare when they see their dc EOW???

Strangely enough, most fathers actually pay according to their income and leave the childcare but to the mother as it is needed by the mum rather than them.

I have to laugh at the idea too that the starting point is 50/50. As soon as you go in other threads, the starting point is EOW and women been happy to see that happening rather than the father moving further away so they can’t see the dcs/they are busy/etc etc
The default position is always that the mum is having the dcs all the time and the father is playing Disney dad EOW...

And fwiw, the OP never said that’s she wanted until they were 18yo.
She said she wanted that until she had recovered. With the hope that it wouod mean said ex husband woiod have learnt more about been a full,time parent which word help ease things ONCE THEY WERE LOOKING AFTER THEIR DCS 50/50

PickAChew · 09/10/2018 17:59

Our deal is that we'd get one each. Partly because that would actually have to happen so they don't kill each other.

TulipsInBloom1 · 09/10/2018 17:59

I get where the OP is coming from. Have had a similar conversation with dh. Its all hypothetical in the end as really who knows if when and how a break up will present itself.

But no way would I want less or more than 50/50.

seeyouhen · 09/10/2018 17:59

MaxDArnold

Let me tell you something. I've been both a SAHM and worked...it was far easier going to work everyday.

Lovelygiraffe · 09/10/2018 18:00

I've n/c for this post because it's outing.

Although I think yabu op and it's a terrible way to speak about your dc, I do sort of get where you're coming from.

When my ds was just 4 weeks old, his dad went off with another woman, it was truly one of the most devastating experiences of my life. To top it off he was a nasty abusive wanker to me. He didn't stick to any contact and stopped seeing ds altogether at 6 months old.

I fantasised about leaving ds with him, not because I didn't want ds, but because I was so angry that he got to go swanning around partying, going on fancy holidays, buying designer clothes, being all loved up with his shag piece. Was I bitter? Yes I damn well was.

However, 12 years on, he's split up from his shag piece, doesn't have much of any meaning in life.

I on the other hand have a good strong relationship with my ds that equates to far more than a few nights out. He's missed out enormously.

Moral of the story is, over my dead body is anyone taking my lovely kids.

Do right by them and you'll reap the rewards.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/10/2018 18:01

She said she wanted that until she had recovered and by the time she decides she's recovered and had enough fun, she may just find the kids don't want to be with her half the time and Dad is pushing for court and custody

PookieDo · 09/10/2018 18:04

I’m a single parent and it crosses my mind sometimes to let the ex have to deal with his own kids. I’m usually angry and tired when I think it. I do pretty much over 90% of everything with minimal maintenance

Just that isn’t what the kids would want and they matter more than my bitterness, money, social life etc

So I see where OP is coming from but reality is not like that. When you do break up your first reaction is to protect the kids not leave them

Beebopdooowopdo · 09/10/2018 18:09

Why are people so shocked by this? What is so terrible about admitting you couldn’t cope with your children, alone full time when there is a whole other parent available?

When my sister’s husband fucked off after 15years of marriage and left her with the kids, her attitude was that she didn’t want him having them (even though he is a perfectly capable father).So many women think that way. I totally and utterly disagree with it. If I left my husband or he left me, I would absolutely expect a 50/50 split of our children. Why should one parents’s career suffer or their finances and social life?! When you are in a couple, you can actually have lives because you don’t need to worry about a babysitter. 50/50 ensures it is totally fair on both parties and the children.

I’m sure many people have stories about how useless their children’s father are but I do feel that we totally enable this as a society. 50/50 should be the norm, not the exception.

GladAllOver · 09/10/2018 18:09

Haven't RTFT, but now he knows your feelings on the subject if he does ever decide to split he will just disappear one day so that you have no choice in the matter.