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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if my husband ever left me I’d leave him with the kids

404 replies

DieAntword · 09/10/2018 14:51

I’ve told him this, if he ever leaves, he isn’t going to swan off into the sunset and have a whale of a time. He keeps the kids. I can’t cope with looking after them after being abandoned like that and I need the space to pull myself together emotionally.

I’m currently a SAHM and absolutely the primary caregiver and I don’t think he actually would ever leave, but he isn’t saddling me with the life of a single mum if he does. He can be the single mum and I can be the fun part time dad thanks.

I’ve paid my dues. If he wants to do with out me he’ll have to pay someone for childcare.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 10/10/2018 01:51

Me neither. I can't see how seeing them eow and a night in the week is you hitting the jackpot. As far as Im concerned the benefit of being the main carer is knowing that you can continue being the main carer if the relationship goes belly up. He can fuck off with a new woman if that's what he wants but the kids stay w me and Ill be staying in the house til they're 18.

Shednik · 10/10/2018 06:27

Christ alive. I hope this is lighthearted.

Those poor kids. To be seen as a burden that cramps your style and not as people with something to offer you.

gamerwidow · 10/10/2018 06:37

I can get why you would be angry with your DH for swanning off into a new life but I don’t understand why you would want to punish your kids for it.
Saying right kids your dad doesn’t want me anymore so I’m not sure I want you anymore is a bit of an unusual response.
If my DD wanted to stay with my DH if we split I would let her but it would break my heart. In times of sadness I pull her closer not push her away, she’s never been a burden to me.

Original poster
DieAntword · 10/10/2018 07:02

Why is it “punishing” my kids to let their father be their resident parent??

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 10/10/2018 07:02

Agree, it's the whole if you leave me, I leave rhem threat. It's not understandable to me.

I get if you're forced to stay home, if you resent it, why you'd potentially, just a tiny bit, feel this way. And if you do, then sort it, start making plans so uou don't feel resentful anymore.

Past that I think it's appalling anyone would see their children as some form of burden, that stops them starting again, and would be very certain to tell their husbands if they ever left them, that they in turn would leave their own children.

Daftasabroom · 10/10/2018 07:14

As a bloke, I have to say I'd bite your arm off. Seriously.

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2018 07:33

Why are you at stay at home mum op? Is it something forced on you by circumstance? Apologies if you've already answered this.

catshart · 10/10/2018 07:37

I know this is lighthearted, but I'm at breaking point of exhaustion at the moment and I've actually taken my wedding ring off because I'm so done with DH.
Anyway that's beside the point. The point is I've seriously been thinking about it lately, and there is absolutely no way in hell I would go for 50/50. I'm fact I would totally begrudge him EOW. And I would absolutely hate to share christmases and birthdays. He's a fucking Disney dad as it is and gets all the fucking good bits. For example if he bathes the kids (could only cope with one at a time) I would have to run the bath first, tidy up whatever mess or clothes he's left strewn around, and then empty the bath after. All the while he gets the only good bit about it - playing with the kids in the bath!

Sorry op I'm so built up with rage at the moment I don't even think my post makes much sense

catshart · 10/10/2018 07:43

Basically it would be his mum looking after them (and probably would push for 50/50, even though her exh never had her kids even eow and there's no way in hell she would have allowed him 50:50), and even though I am absolutely exhausted beyond belief (also a sahm) I would rather it be hard and do it alone, and reap the benefits down the line of a good relationship with my kids. Maybe it's because they're still babies that I am fiercely protective, but I just can't bear the thought of not having them everyday. What I would rather is a decent partner who didn't need to be asked to do every single thing, and still think he's a hero for changing a nappy.

Tumbleweed101 · 10/10/2018 07:44

As a single mum who was left with the bulk of the ‘thinking’ side and financial burden of child rearing I’ve often thought my ex has the best deal. He has regular contact when he wants but also gets to choose when that is. I didn’t have that luxury and sorting childcare for when our shifts clash etc is still my job. It also takes a lot longer to build up a career.

So I understand where OP is coming from. As for the reality. Despite being resentful towards my ex I don’t actually mind being primary carer to the children, it’s easier and now they are older they help me out too with babysitting the younger ones etc.

PookieDo · 10/10/2018 07:46

@DieAntword

From your posts I understand he works and you SAH? Say for instance that you break up whilst this is still the case

So punishment wise

  1. They would have to go into some kind of childcare, seeing neither parent all day
  2. Losing their at home parent due to divorce is surely more traumatic than the working parent moving out. Kids do not see the working parent as much by default.
  3. The concept that they are a burden to you is a punishment to them
Original poster
DieAntword · 10/10/2018 07:47

Why are you at stay at home mum op? Is it something forced on you by circumstance? Apologies if you've already answered this.

No it’s not forced on me and I do like it, it’s exhausting but I love watching my kids grow up, every month is better than the last. It’s not something I resent, although I kind of resent the fact none of the business ideas I come up with are viable (literally cried the other day when I realised even though I could do all the technical work required to produce a particular product I couldn’t get corporate buy in to my product, which would be very specialised and need corporate approval to get market share from the contractors who would be it’s primary market, because they wouldn’t trust a company that didn’t have long-standing history).

I would totally resent being a single mum and having to do everything on my own though, not going to pretend I wouldn’t.

OP posts:
PookieDo · 10/10/2018 07:48

Everyone will just come back now going on about mother’s who work. Yes - but the kids have become used to that. If both parents work then actually I can see how 50/50 or swapping residency could work. But it would be for your own emotional well-being allegedly

Any parent leaving is awful don’t get me wrong

PookieDo · 10/10/2018 07:50

@DieAntword

You don’t resent the kids as a single mother
Yes you may resent the ex but it isn’t like that. You haven’t done it so it’s hard to actually explain. It feels like all you can see is what you hear on mumsnet and it isn’t all like that all the time

Witchofwisteria · 10/10/2018 07:56

Cutting your nose off to spite your face, you would rather leave your children because you want your husband to be miserable taking care of them. If you are so miserable then get yourself a job instead of being a SAHM if you are so miserable. It annoys me that SAHM have all the freedom to do what they want in their lives and still want to winge about the stress and pressure - fuck sake have all that stress and pressure AND work. You would leave your kids and just be sat on your arse "healing your broken heart" whilst your husband works and somehow manages to juggle childcare? What planet are you on.

Witchofwisteria · 10/10/2018 08:00

"I kind of resent the fact none of the business ideas I come up with are viable (literally cried the other day when I realised even though I could do all the technical work required to produce a particular product I couldn’t get corporate buy in to my product"

As if there is no inbetween between getting a part time office job and creating a business and a new product?

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2018 08:03

But op, wouldn't you prefer shared custody? You would only be a single parent if your husband passed away or if he fucked off out of it and had no contact with the kids.

And how would you support yourself? What are your plans for when the kids are in school, if they are not already? Will you work then? Did you work before?

Original poster
DieAntword · 10/10/2018 08:04

I’m not taking a job I don’t want or need just to placate people who resent the fact I get to stay at home thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
DieAntword · 10/10/2018 08:07

And how would you support yourself? What are your plans for when the kids are in school, if they are not already? Will you work then? Did you work before?

I am hoping to homeschool (not rigid about it though) so “in school” isn’t in our plans.

I assume I’d have to find a job if husband left. I don’t imagine I’d find a very good one but maybe in time I could prove myself.

And no my work history is basically nonexistent. A couple of short term jobs before and after university. Nothing resembling a “career”.

OP posts:
Mummadeeze · 10/10/2018 08:13

I was thinking you might be more fulfilled by working because I look forward to every minute I spend with my daughter. I work full time, so spending time with her is the fun part of my life. Am not being judgmental but in the scenario you are describing, I would be devastated at not getting full custody. I know you said you enjoy being a SAHM but you sound ambitious and driven and maybe having a work life balance would suit you more. Apologies if I am reading the situation wrong though.

NorthernSpirit · 10/10/2018 08:16

How refreshingly honest.

My OH has 2 kids from a previous marriage. The mum believes that as he dared to leave her he has no right whatsoever to see the children. After a court battle he’s now ‘allowed’ every other weekend to see his own children.

Why can’t fathers look after children? The archaic days of men being the provider and women the nurturer are well over.

Gingerrogered · 10/10/2018 08:27

I can’t believe some of the responses on here supporting the OP. She is a classic emotional and financial abuser. She’s making threats to try and make him stay because she knows she treats him like shit. If she hates childcare that much why does she want to HE? Why are her children a burden? He’s not even thinking of leaving and she’s having a go at him for an imaginary scenario in her head where he is? Unhinged and abusivez

OP, I hope he calls your bluff and walks out with the kids and never looks back. They’ll end up messed up with this sort of narcissistic behaviour around and have no idea how to have a functional relationship with the example you’re setting.

Original poster
DieAntword · 10/10/2018 08:32

I will sound utterly crazy saying this but my plan is to keep on the look out for niche markets I could break into (reason I was so upset is that the last idea was the closest I’d come yet to something that seemed workable with my skill set - I still have one last avenue to explore on it, which is to piggyback on the brand of a contractor I know but I’m not that hopeful) and when one comes along bootstrap a business, once I know it’s viable and work starts flowing we’ll get a mothers help to take care of childcare when I’m working so that during down periods I can still focus on the kids and stay at home. No point doing that before I have a workable idea.

My plans don’t involve working for someone else unless necessity dictates it (say husband loses his job, or dies or leaves or whatever). I have a unique opportunity by not having a job and I do eventually want to make the most of it.

OP posts:
ConciseandNice · 10/10/2018 08:33

YANBU OP. Both my husband and I say that the other gets the kids. I think a lot would depend on who was fastest running out the door. Seriously though, joking aside, I’d cope a lot better without the kids than he would. We were away for a month recently and he was on FaceTime crying every day!!!

BarbarianMum · 10/10/2018 08:44

You are fortunate to be in a position where you can wait for the right work opportunity to come along.You do seem rather resentful of the position you're in though. Are you considering HE because it's what you really want for your children, or is it your dh's preference or do you think you might want the option because you are reluctant to "have to" work for a third party?

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