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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if my husband ever left me I’d leave him with the kids

404 replies

DieAntword · 09/10/2018 14:51

I’ve told him this, if he ever leaves, he isn’t going to swan off into the sunset and have a whale of a time. He keeps the kids. I can’t cope with looking after them after being abandoned like that and I need the space to pull myself together emotionally.

I’m currently a SAHM and absolutely the primary caregiver and I don’t think he actually would ever leave, but he isn’t saddling me with the life of a single mum if he does. He can be the single mum and I can be the fun part time dad thanks.

I’ve paid my dues. If he wants to do with out me he’ll have to pay someone for childcare.

OP posts:
FallenIvy · 09/10/2018 21:30

I think I’d demand 50/50

I'm sorry but this sounds quite naive. It's all well and good having a plan with your partner about what happens if/when you split but you can't then enforce it when the shit hits the fan, they run off with OW and she doesn't want 50/50 etc. My ex said all the right things when we split and ran off with OW...he went back on everything, made life hell for me, let DC down time after time until he eventually fucked off for good. It's better now that he's gone.

Bloobs · 09/10/2018 21:47

Postino totally agree with you and am on your side - sorry if I said something that made you think I was denying that.

(My ex is similar except I do get maintenance.)

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2018 22:07

I don't think it's any more dysfunctional than leaving a husband with the belief throughout the marriage that he alone has the option to start again, walk away, reclaim freedom

I can't even begin to understand this statement. I have always been financially independent. I have never ever seen that if my marriage ended my daughter would have been some form of burden, that stopped me being free, that I couldn't start again with someone else.

She is, and always has been the most important person in my life since she was born. I have always been able to financially support both of us independently due to my work.

If my marriage had ended, I'd have walked away with her in my arms. And I could easily have started again. I see no freedom in leaving your child behind. None.

The discussion only once semi occurred with my husband, where he said we should have one joint account and no separate accounts. My answer was no. I will always be in a position that I can pick her up and walk away should I so chose.

And I always was.

PookieDo · 09/10/2018 22:12

I think that is the Crux - catagorising your kids as a burden

I am burdened with responsibility - more than my ex. But I am not burdened with children. They are mine, I wanted them, I always will and if he doesn’t pull his weight (he doesn’t) then this is his loss not mine. What is he gaining from being a shit parent? What is he taking away from me with his fecklessness? He’s taking it away from the kids not me.
I get all the satisfaction and credit for raising my kids internally and one day maybe from them!

ImNotonLinkedInNo · 09/10/2018 22:17

yes @formerbabe, I felt like my xh stole my LIFE. I had no freedom to go and work. I didn't want him feeling resentful that he had to pay an amount of maintenance that offered us NO quality of life and also, no freedom. He felt aggrieved to though (because he had to 'give' me money. He had NO COMPREHENSION that he had stolen my freedom. The situation also prevented me from re-entering the workplace shortly after having had children because instead of childcare costs coming out of a joint pot, I was cornered out of the workplace living the frugal life on benefits and a bit of maintenance. AWFUL. And he thought I was lucky to be sitting on the sofa getting 'free' money. Just no insight at all in to the huge responsibility I had. He had all the freedom. I would have swapped with him.

ImNotonLinkedInNo · 09/10/2018 22:21

@bluntness100, can you put yourself in the shoes of a sahm who is not financially independent?

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2018 22:23

No, actually I can't in this context, because I cannot see why you'd chose to leave your kids behind. I cannot see why you'd see them as a burden. That you get your " freedom" if you leave them.

For me this is never going to be something i understand. Ever.

Newsofas · 09/10/2018 22:23

You can’t make an ex husband/partner have the kids 50:50. You can talk all you want about it before it happens but you can’t make anyone look after their kids.

PookieDo · 09/10/2018 22:32

How can someone steal your life like that and making you go on benefits? Genuine question from single mother who does work and built career myself and got off all benefits

MargoLovebutter · 09/10/2018 22:43

As a single mum whose ex-H left and who has also worked and has one of my DC on the autistic spectrum I also do not get the ‘burden’ thing either.

I’m not religious but I see my DC as a blessing- really hard going and a struggle sometimes but it has been an honour and privilege to have them and raise them to adulthood.

As far as I’m concerned their Dad has missed out so much by choosing his ‘freedom’ rather than watch their amazing transformation and progress.

I hate the idea of DC being used as threats and leverage to compensate for relationship issues.

PorkFlute · 09/10/2018 23:18

So you think that time to have fun and ‘get your head together’ would be more important than keeping things as normal as possible for your children at a time of upheaval for them?
You don’t seem to have considered that your children would be in any way affected if their parents were to split up. Or if you have it isn’t as important to you as your own feelings. The last thing they would need on top of their parents splitting would be massively reduced time with their sahp. And I would say the same if that was the mum or the dad.
50/50 care should be standard unless there are valid work reasons why it wouldn’t work (working away etc). Anyone who tries to dodge caring for their own child to focus on themselves after a break up is a selfish arse male or female. The fact it is usually men that do this doesn’t make it any better behaviour from a woman.

Foofloofah · 09/10/2018 23:23

Are you ok OP? You sound utterly and totally fed up/drained. That’s ok. Just keep talking to people. When you hit rock bottom the only way is up. Please don’t feel that your freedom and sense of self comes from escaping everything and everyone including your children. That sense of relief will last for a little while and then the pain comes when you realise your bond with the children you raised is unbreakble and being apart from them is unbearable. Seek help. Heal your heart and your mind. Then leave your partner from a position of strength. You don’t need to full or even half custody but you will want and need access. Harder to negotiate it up rather than down. Keep that in mind xx

dawnmist · 09/10/2018 23:34

Men do it all the time, why should we stoop to their level though. My kids are grown up but i could never ever have left them. They’d have been distraught. I loved them far too much to put them through that, especially if it was to point score. Thinking back to my own childhood it was very rare for either parent to walk out, but i know i would have been far more devastated if my mum would have left. But i understand we are all different.

ILoveHumanity · 09/10/2018 23:55

I don’t think the OP sounds crazy , perhaps she experienced a father who walked out and left her mum struggle alone ... perhaps an ex partner?

Beingginger · 10/10/2018 00:05

DH and I say this to each other all the time, we’re not planning on splitting up though and we’re just kidding with each other, usually after a long hard day of the kids arguing with each other.

pallisers · 10/10/2018 00:31

You can’t make an ex husband/partner have the kids 50:50. You can talk all you want about it before it happens but you can’t make anyone look after their kids.

You can if you leave first.

No9dream · 10/10/2018 00:32

Relationships break down not just because Dad swans off and has a good time with his bit on the side. They break down for other reasons. And sometimes it's Dad who actually picks up the pieces.

pallisers · 10/10/2018 00:32

She is, and always has been the most important person in my life since she was born. I have always been able to financially support both of us independently due to my work.

lucky you. Me too. I do understand that for many women only the first sentence is true.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/10/2018 00:35

I'm very far from being financially independent as a SAHP but I have to agree with Bluntness100. Freedom does not look like empty arms to me. I wanted him and I want him. If DH and I split I would do everything to support their ongoing wonderful relationship but he'd have to wrestle custody from my cold dead hands.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/10/2018 00:38

You can’t make an ex husband/partner have the kids 50:50
You can if you leave first.

You still can't though. You can't ensure he hands them over 50/50 or doesn't disappear with them and you can't nt guarantee he doesn't do a midnight flit when you've got them.

If you've had them for your 3 days and he calls and says I can't cope with them, don't bring them back I'm not there but I will be on Saturday what will you do? Refuse to have them back too for a week? Or if he is an absolutely neglectful shit when he has them so they always come to you hungry and dirty? You gonna keep sending them back because you ot want them 50%?

SleepingStandingUp · 10/10/2018 00:41

why should the man get all the good minimum times
Depends on your perspective. To me the minimum time would be hell. I don't envy any parent seeing their. Kid for two days a fortnight, I pity them

Justask · 10/10/2018 00:41

My ex has just swanned off on yet another mystery holiday without his DD while he can't afford to pay maintenance and has little involvement in her day to day life...

For years she has had him on a pedestal he doesn't deserve and that I would not remove for fear of damage to DD.
.
She is starting to get it now. While I was the one who did all the tough stuff and he got to be Mr fun. Why the hell should they get away with it?

Not that I would leave my DD, i will keep her; zits and all! but how totally unfair men are.

Weathermonger · 10/10/2018 01:32

I've been happily married over 30 years, we always joke we'd never divorce because neither of us wanted custody of the 3 kids.

Armchairanarchist · 10/10/2018 01:44

This happened to my BIL (sister's husband) except the dad then decided he didn't want them either. He and his siblings were raised (and abused) in children's homes, none were ever fostered or adopted. All have been deeply scarred by their childhood.

eggncress · 10/10/2018 01:49

I agree men have it easy with mum being the default parent if there is a relationship breakdown.

You should arrange for you and dh to have a break each to do whatever you want.
Take turns and really do something you want. Even an overnight stay on your own will help you recharge your batteries.
I totally get where you’re coming from.