To think if my husband ever left me I’d leave him with the kids

[DieAntword]

I’ve told him this, if he ever leaves, he isn’t going to swan off into the sunset and have a whale of a time. He keeps the kids. I can’t cope with looking after them after being abandoned like that and I need the space to pull myself together emotionally.

I’m currently a SAHM and absolutely the primary caregiver and I don’t think he actually would ever leave, but he isn’t saddling me with the life of a single mum if he does. He can be the single mum and I can be the fun part time dad thanks.

I’ve paid my dues. If he wants to do with out me he’ll have to pay someone for childcare.

It annoys me that SAHM have all the freedom to do what they want in their lives oh witch you're so funny, you should take it to a stage. The world needs. Ore laughter.

OP you havent got to get a job but you do sound desperately unhappy. You're crying your eyes out because an abstract business idea isn't viable and if DH leaves you you can oy imagine sobbing your eyes out in misery on your parents of a for days / weeks / months and then finally having freedom and fun!

Why can't you have any freedom or fun now?

How do you think your children would feel in your hypothetical situation when you say you're nreaking up and they need to go into childcare becauae you're leaving and you'll see then when your thwart is healed??

What happens if you want to leave him?

I honestly think you need to work on procuring some you time and happiness independent of your kids now. And look at how you can build your emotional resilience - every scenario has someone else looking after you

If DH left idtbe devestated but I can't imagine being so totally en apart that I couldn't care for the kids because as pare ts we have to try and pull ourselves together through the toughest crap

If my fiance and I had kids and then split up, it would absolutely make sense for him to have them full time.

He's a natural dad. I'll have to practice. I think he'd love to be kept, and I'd be better at doing the keeping than the emotional and housework legwork. He'd have a cast iron excuse to back pedal work (I earn more than him but he often works 60h weeks, mine rarely over 40).

I'm an introvert, he's an extrovert. HE'D benefit more from the semi-permanent presence of other people.

On these, and so many other levels, it makes sense for us. But it's sad that people are of the mindset that a woman doing this is somehow 'wrong'.

And I don't know why people are being snippy about discussing this before there's a problem. Whenever I read a thread about marital or child problems, half the time I am screaming inside, "Why didn't you discuss this beforehand?!?!?!". It's no guarantee, sure, but putting your expectations out there is very important!

I wanted to homeschool since I was a teenager and begged my parents to homeschool me but they said they needed school as childcare and figured I could teach myself anything I wanted to know without their input.

My husband was informed of this long before we had kids or got married but he had an even more miserable time at school than me so he likes the idea too.

This is such a weird thread. To suddenly go from being a SAHM and home educator to leaving the family home to live by yourself, because your dh has found someone else to move into the home and bring the kids up with... seems a bizarre calculation to me. Are you certain this is what you will want, Antword? Could you even be a Disney Mum if you have such limited earning potential? What if you end up in a one bedroom flat, working long hours to make ends meet, and have no space or spare cash for entertaining your children when you do see them?

So you'll home school unless a better offer comes along or he dares to not love you any more.

thecatsthecats at least your assessment is made on practical fact although I think the single parents on here doing all the grunt work whilst trying to subside on what they get from their ex's might rightly bristle at the idea of being "happily kept". However I'd wait til you've got them before deciding you wouldn't want them with you

Could you imagine if a woman came on here and said she had a male partner she supported who had never had a job, wasn’t planning on getting one, he did it totally out of choice including wanting to HE which he expected her to support?

And her thanks was saying the kids were a burden and complaining about something she chose to do as if he forced her?

And if a man said to a woman that if she ever left he’d dump the kids and go and have fun with other women? It would be ‘abuse, abuse! Call Women’s Aid, get your ducks in a row’. It’s a control tactic to scare him into staying no matter how nasty she is.

People who dump their kids to do things like that always come across as sad desperate losers. And you’ll be skint in a minimum wage entry level job on a grotty bedsit. I don’t know what sort of ‘fun’ that’s supposed to be.

No doubt you’ll be on the lookout for some other mug who’s prepared to be treated like shit while he bankrolls your lifestyle.

Why is it “punishing” my kids to let their father be their resident parent??

It is worrying that you can't see the answer to this yourself DieAntword and makes me wonder if perhaps you might be in need of some counselling or help from your GP. I'm not saying that in anyway sarcastically or trying to be goady, I genuinely mean it. Is it possibly you might be depressed?

Just to explain though. Firstly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a father being the resident parent. There are fathers out there doing a fantastic job at that, just as good as a woman. As someone further else up the thread says, the only aspect of parenting a man can't do is breastfeed.

However, that is not the point here. At the moment, by choice you are the primary carer to your small children - I'm guessing they are small because you are talking about the possibility of home schooling, which suggests they may not yet be school age.

Those children are dependent on you and will have formed very strong attachments to you, as their primary carer. You are their everything.

If your DH left you for some reason and you decided to take the course of action you opened this thread with, which was to 'punish' him by leaving him your DC while you go off and explore your options and just do the Disney mum thing, then you would rip the centre out of your DC's world because of the way you have set it up at the moment. That would be punishing them for no reason, other than to get back in some way at your DH.

You honestly don’t see that walking out on homeschooled children who are barely apart from you and only seeing them for ‘Disney Mum’ visits is punishing them and would be adding to their distress at a very upsetting time? At least the dads who fuck off have tended to be useless while they were in the relationship so it’s no big change for the kids.
And what would you do if their dad refused to pick them up after a visit? You couldn’t make him have full custody.
I think in your specific case it may well be that the children would be better off with their father in the long run though. It would be massively unsettling for them at first but you haven’t once mentioned on here about how your kids may be feeling after a split and what would be best for them. It’s all been about you.

So when your business ideas go wrong you take it out on your DH basically.

he will just disappear one day so that you have no choice in the matter.

Yes this is what my ex did. I was really angry but nothing I did could make him take responsibility. Three years on DD and I are very happy and she is the light of my life. She's starting to say she's not bothered about seeing her dad - so who is the loser now?

Why is it “punishing” my kids to let their father be their resident parent??

Perhaps because the reasons you have were all about preventing him from doing anything, allowing you the space you will need and not a single concern for the children's well-being!

Surely you can see that is the problem.

Lots of children reside with their fathers, and if it's a decision taken purely in the interest of the children that is ok, but you? Wrong reasons. Absolutely wrong. There is not an ounce of concern about your children, just yourself.

I can almost touch the OP's anger here. I think that's what's really the heart of her problem here, the anger. TBH you could throw out there any old what if scenario against which the OP could try and make some kind of redress or retribution, but that's by the by and not reality - the anger is the real thing. Go and get some counselling OP urgently. You might think you can keep a lid on this anger but you may not, it might spill out one way or another and do irreparable harm to your nearest and dearest.

I’m a stay at home Mum. Me and DH are a team. I respect what he does to bring in the money and he respects what I do to look after the family. We both acknowledge that neither of us could do what we do without the support of the other to do it.

You’ve been with this poor bloke for years and right from the beginning you told him your ambition was to stay home and so he supported you in exactly what you said you wanted to do?

And his thanks for that is being blamed and berated as if he forced you into it? And told if he doesn’t put up with your shitty behaviour you’re dumping the kids on him and going out on the sort of pathetic fuckfest more commonly found among teenagers in Magaluf? Yep. Abuse.

For eg I could quite understand a mother who works while the dad stays at home thinking that the dad having full custody after the split would be in the children’s best interest so the children had some continuity. I’m pretty sure a family court would feel the same.
But walking out on kids who have been used to spending all day with you so you can have fun is shitty behaviour whether it’s the mum or dad.

You just sound like you want the easiest life possible. Doesnt want to work, doesn't want the kids, non existent work history. The fact that you have said "I assume I might get a job if DH left and he took the kids" indicated to me you are well off and you probably are expecting him to still pay you in a divorce or separation?

You want to dump your kids so you can have fun, they are used to you being at home and your husband working. So yes it is you dumping them not just choosing to be unconventional leaving them with a FT father not a mother.

Also I read something you just said about homeschooling? Is DH supposed to do this too or what?

Sorry, but in most cases, I think this is bizarre on the mother's part.

I sincerely think there's a very deep and odd sense of rejection if it's by your own mother. Far deeper rooted than being rejected by a father.

Obviously some men are the main care giver and they do a fabulous job. My BIL, for example. He is wonderful and does the better job. The kid's mum walked out on them all. Decided it just wasn't for her anymore

It annoys me that SAHM have all the freedom to do what they want in their lives and still want to winge about the stress and pressure - fuck sake have all that stress and pressure AND work

What on earth are you talking about? How do SAHM have 'all the freedom'? If you resent working so much, be a SAHM then. You're the one that's 'whinging'.

seeyouthen I'll make the assumption that the poster isn't talking about a SAHM without the support of a partner or child's father.

She's talking about a 'lady that lunches' type

Gingerrogered She is a classic emotional and financial abuser

Are you seriously calling OP a financial abuser because she's a SAHM?

I’ve paid my dues What a horrible way to think of your children.

@lookattheshorts def talking about the lady that lunch types. Thank you for chiming in here.

Nothing easy about looking after 2 or 3 small kids all day but when they're grown and you can lunch and gym and swim to your hearts content while they are at school, yes that's easy.

She's talking about a 'lady that lunches' type

Ah ok, thanks for clarifying that. Although OPs kids aren't in school yet so she's not a 'lady that lunches'.

Witch You're welcome. I'm only working 2 days a week, currently have a 1 year old and I'm definitely along the lines of a 'lady that lunches'.

Lots of free time, coming and going as I need to/go where I'd like. I just don't see how people work FT do it! It must be 10 times the stress.

@lookattheshorts I don't do FT but my son's now in school I do 9-3 as I work 5 mins from the school and drop off is 8.45 and pick up is 3.15. I really envy the mum's that get to do as they wish in those hours. It's probably my fault as I'm quite driven by nature, suppose I do like my job and I would rather live comfortably than struggle for cash (at the sacrifice of making school mum friends and getting involved in any mid-day meet ups).

Got a little off topic but OP point about not working but having no freedom and all this fuss just made me think - well try having to work too then see what you would prefer. Massive eye roll moment.

I think a lot of other posters have hit the nail on the head picking up on how scattered and angry the OP seems to be.