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Original poster

Not remembering how many people I've slept with?

999 replies

fifithefoof · 09/10/2018 13:07

Was on the other thread about do you wish you've had less or more partners and wondered whether others can remember exactly how many people they've slept with.

Is it horrific I can't! Not that I've forgotten any as much as I stopped counting! Confused

I'm trying to make a list and think it's at around 30-50!

Is this an unusually high number! I didn't think it was but on the other thread it seems most people are at around 1-5!

OP posts:
SilverHairedCat · 10/10/2018 09:20

@lornar123 of course you'd stop be gutted, because you wanted a monogamous relationship, a perfectly normal expectation in our society. He, for whatever reason, didn't want that and didn't do you the decency of explaining it and abused your trust. Without wishing to be rude or too harsh, could it be he just wasn't into having a relationship?

I'm afraid you're still conflating your experience of a cheating bastard with others experiences of enjoyable string-free sex with whoever they choose. I am a married woman now. I choose to only have sex with him. I have seen a few men and thought "phwoar" of course, but I'm committed to my DH and my marriage and wouldn't throw it all away for a shag. Not even with his permission, because I certainly wouldn't be asking for it - that would make a mockery of our relationship.

Sallystyle · 10/10/2018 09:23

Well, OP. You still have a lot of catching up to do until you match Sir Tom Jones!

My number is low. I had my first child at the age of 18 so didn't have much of a chance really.

As for people who judge people who have had a lot of sexual partners I would really love to know exactly why they judge. I don't understand, what there is to judge.

Sallystyle · 10/10/2018 09:24

Why does having lots of sex= low self-esteem?

Threewheeler1 · 10/10/2018 09:52

Well, haven't thought about this for a long time but, yep, I don't know the exact number.
Someone said the same upthread, but 80s and 90s were a bit of a blur Grin
I've completely forgotten names but one that came back to me involved a holiday to Greece and a chubby, very hairy, Greek policeman in tiny pink speedos and a big gold necklace...I had to put my jumper over my head just to cope with the images coming back into my brain Envy (not envy)
OP there's nothing wrong with you at all!
I'd never judge someone by the number of people they've slept with, it's pointless.

JacquesHammer · 10/10/2018 10:01

I think it is very high and IRL would judge you as someone with low self esteem and some personality flaw making you not very good at relationships

You do realise “relationship” isn’t the goal for everyone?

Original poster
fifithefoof · 10/10/2018 10:03

There's a couple of rotters I would regret have died than had a relationship with but had perfectly good sex with. Grin

OP posts:
Notajourno · 10/10/2018 10:06

Some people are so fucking judgemental.

Someone who married their high school BF are going to have far less sexual partners than someone who has been single their adult life.

It doesn’t matter.

I’ve forgotten a few of mine and dont give a fuck.

overagain · 10/10/2018 10:18

There's plenty I had sex with but didn't want a relationship with. To me sex and relationship can be mutually exclusive. For example, there's no way I'd ever because relationship with Johnny Depp but Id shag him given half the chance. Why? Because I think he's an abusive arsehole but very pretty and supposedly good in bed.

lornar123 · 10/10/2018 10:27

Silver I'm still not sure, his line of argument was that he did want a relationship. Sex with the ow meant nothing to him or her, plenty people seem to have this view. I am confused about exactly what it is that causes my feelings around this, but I think it is jealousy. If your husband for example said go and shag who you like, how would you be throwing anything away ? Sex means nothing right ? How would you feel about that when he is pretty much just saying it is just sex. Why do you get to add a meaning to an act where there is none ? You obviously do feel that sex is something special which is why you would only have it with your husband. Sex is the key thing here you see the devestating effect it had when partners cheat sexually as opposed to the more minor feelings of jealousy you might feel at your partner flirting or having a great time with another woman.

louderthan · 10/10/2018 10:27

I went through a phase in my late 20s of one night stands and using hook up apps. I have no clue how many people I've slept with. I put it at more than 50 and less than 100. I have no shame and no regrets, I had a lot of fun and very few bad experiences.

lornar123 · 10/10/2018 10:33

Overagain

E.g I would be jealous of a partner who said I can't stand this bitch, but she had great tits so I jumped into be with her. That's not the sort of person I would feel secure with, I guess I wouldn't be having sex with someone who did not like me though. Maybe I just have more stuff to work through

Original poster
fifithefoof · 10/10/2018 10:36

Sex is very different with different people for me.

That's why sex with someone I love can be an amazing, special thing and sex with someone I'm so so about can be amazing in a different way.

Sex can also be shit with someone you love sometimes lol.

OP posts:
SilverHairedCat · 10/10/2018 10:39

lornar, can I ask, have you had many relationships? This man really hurt you didn't he?

If your husband for example said go and shag who you like, how would you be throwing anything away ? Sex means nothing right ? How would you feel about that when he is pretty much just saying it is just sex.

In this example it would be undermining the monogamous relationship we are in. We are not in an open relationship. If we were, it would change the basis of everything. If that was agreeable to us both, then great. But it isn't. Consent cuts both ways.

What you experienced was imposed. You didn't agree to it. You didn't ask for it to happen, you weren't asked about it and would never, I assume, have agreed to it. It wasn't ok. He has turned the blame for his cheating on you, hasn't he? He's convinced you that it was somehow your fault?

Brazenhussy0 · 10/10/2018 10:49

Who cares how many people anyone has slept with? As long as it’s all good fun and everyone is getting themselves tested regularly then it really doesn’t matter at all what the number is!

OP, I’m a sex worker and must have slept with 500+ people by now (nearly 100 of those were before I became a sex worker.) I don’t give a single hoot about how many people I've had sex with.

Also agree with you that sex with each person is a completely different experience. There’s no two people are the same and that’s part of why I love having a varied sex life.
Here’s to vast sexual experience I say GrinWine

Louiselouie0890 · 10/10/2018 10:56

I stopped counting not because its a lot I just think it's a strange thing to do. Most were when I was young. Who cares its just sex. Why do we have to put a number against ourselves

lornar123 · 10/10/2018 11:01

Silver, I've had a few relationships well 4 to be exact, I'm late 20's. I loved all of them though in one way or another. I've not had sex out with this context and can't imagine I ever would.

He hasn't convinced me it's my fault, but he did use the "it was just sex and it didn't mean anything" line. I didn't and don't buy it and so I've cut him out my life, but it hurts.

As I ruminate on it all I guess I see much the same argument trotted out, e.g. oh I had 100 partners but it's different with you darling you understand ? I guess I would never be happy with a man like that and as I approach 30 maybe I'm stuffed and will have to accept one if I want to be in a relationship given how people on here at least seem to feel about people like me being judgy Sad

I guess the question is why does a relationship even need to be monogamous if sex is just sex ? To the people with this attitude it's more like why would you bother ending your relationship over something as insignificant as a quick shag ? Why does it really matter?

seeyouhen · 10/10/2018 11:02

Sex with the ow meant nothing to him or her, plenty people seem to have this view

Yes but (I'm only speaking for myself here) sex in a committed relationship is different sex than having sex purely for the physical act. Sex with my partner means more than it ever has with anyone else. Your ex was just a cheating bastard. Don't confuse someone who has had multiple partners with being a cheat. My now partner had lots of partners before me, as I did, it doesn't bother me. I will never ever cheat on him, I've never cheated on anyone and neither has he.

seeyouhen · 10/10/2018 11:10

lornar123 If your husband for example said go and shag who you like, how would you be throwing anything away ? Sex means nothing right ? How would you feel about that when he is pretty much just saying it is just sex

That would make the relationship 'open'. I don't want to be in an open relationship so therefore I would end the relationship. I love my DP and only want to have sex with him. I would be gutted if he suggested the above.

I have also been cheated on in a previous relationship, it's awful and painful and does make you think you'll never trust again but out of the blue I met my current partner, there are still 'good' men out there.

lornar123 · 10/10/2018 11:10

Seeyou

So you see how there is sex and "special" sex and the latter obliges the recipient to not have the former with anyone. It's not logical but I suppose none of this stuff is.

seeyouhen · 10/10/2018 11:13

given how people on here at least seem to feel about people like me being judgy

I don't think you've been judgey, other posters have but you just seem to be more curious than judgey.

puffyisgood · 10/10/2018 11:14

mine's closer to 5 than 10 & i still can't remember, off the top of my head, the exact number, i suppose because it's been a long time since i added to the tally.

Original poster
fifithefoof · 10/10/2018 11:17

@lornar123 I don't feel like you're being judgey.

I feel like you've been very hurt and are trying to make some sense of it.

OP posts:
KungFuPandaWorks · 10/10/2018 11:29

I've only ever judged one person for her high number and that was because she wasnt safe. She didn't like using anything (not just her fault of course), but she also didn't go for checks because she knows her own body and would know if she had something Confused

Other than that I can't get that worked up over how many people a person may or may not have slept with. Doesn't affect my life so why should I care.

lornar123 · 10/10/2018 11:44

For all those saying my ex was a bastard, he's not, that's the thing and is partly why other women want to have sex with him. It's partly the Madonna/whore thing with him, he doesn't see these women as relationship material because they are an easy shag. Unlike me apparently who by wanting more from him am "different" and so is the sex. It's all a head fuck for sure.

SilverHairedCat · 10/10/2018 12:10

And you can't see, objectively, how that would make him a bastard? It does to me.

He treats women as whores? Bastard
Cheats on a woman he's in a monogamous relationship with? Bastard
Claims to his girlfriend that she's a Madonna but sex with others is somehow better because it's no strings? Definitely a bastard.

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