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Original poster

Not remembering how many people I've slept with?

999 replies

fifithefoof · 09/10/2018 13:07

Was on the other thread about do you wish you've had less or more partners and wondered whether others can remember exactly how many people they've slept with.

Is it horrific I can't! Not that I've forgotten any as much as I stopped counting! Confused

I'm trying to make a list and think it's at around 30-50!

Is this an unusually high number! I didn't think it was but on the other thread it seems most people are at around 1-5!

OP posts:
lornar123 · 09/10/2018 22:04

What confuses me (and this is what happened to me) is that when my bf had sex with someone 2 months before he met me it didn't matter to him. It didn't matter to him when he had sex with her 6 months after we got together. But it matters to me because I expected sex to mean something, but the fact is that to some people it just doesn't and I guess I left thinking that if that is how you feel then you maybe you should be able to get sex out with a relationship in the same way you get many other things out with the relationship. Why did the sex with this girl become important after he had sex with me ? There were lots of other things he did out with the relationship that I didn't care about and not does anyone else, but sex ? Big difference. Just dealing with it all I suppose.

CaptSkippy · 09/10/2018 22:13

What do you expect sex to mean?

DioneTheDiabolist · 09/10/2018 22:13

The sex may have meant nothing to him. By cheating on you (I assume you did not agree to an "open" relationship), he demonstrated that you and your feelings also meant nothing to him.

lornar123 · 09/10/2018 22:19

I don't really know capt. Sad I suppose an expression of love but reading this thread and with what's happened I just feel like a complete tit even saying it. Sex with me means something to you but not with her ?

CaptSkippy · 09/10/2018 22:22

I guess sex can be an expression of love. It depends on the type of sex. But I would not automatically assume that any kind of sex also means love or romance.

DioneTheDiabolist · 09/10/2018 22:24

He was outright lying to you lornar123.Sad

Lellochip · 09/10/2018 22:25

My number is far too low, and all pretty mediocre too Sad

WineAndTiramisu · 09/10/2018 22:31

I'm similar, think mine is between 20-30, but can't remember! I also don't remember much of when I was younger, so I blame that!

I'm not sure what all the pearl clutching is about, it's an enjoyable pastime, as long as everyone consents, I've never understood the "ohh, that's too many" brigade...

user1484424013 · 09/10/2018 22:31

One....

Brownboots · 09/10/2018 22:33

Sex in my marriage is an expression of love, it's about emotional closeness not just getting kicks, and it's a very important part of our marriage that I would never want my partner to have with anyone else.

One night stands, friends with benefits etc is purely about satisfying the physical urge, nothing more. I wouldn't expect my husband to do this with anyone else, because sex has taken on a different meaning now and within a relationship it's generally not acceptable to go and do this with anyone else, unless of course you agree to an open relationship.

I get that you're asking, if it's just physical and not emotional then why is it such a betrayal? That's because it's important within a relationship and you agree to not go there with anyone else when you decide to be in a relationship. Maybe that's just something that society dictates.

lornar123 · 10/10/2018 07:22

Thanks brown and seeyouhen for reading I think I managed to get my point over eventually. I am trying to think about your comment brown about how sex takes on a different meaning, maybe for those of us who can't do one night stands it always has had this meaning ?

Fidelity is not the key here as I my bf had asked if it was ok for him to go off and sex with a hot girl that liked him ,even if she was leaving the country next day, I would still be gutted and would treat that as if he had cheated.

Branleuse · 10/10/2018 07:41

i think thats a fairly normal number. Higher than mine, by a fair bit, but i still couldnt tell you exactly how many

SilverHairedCat · 10/10/2018 07:50

@lornar123 I disagree. Fidelity is the entire point there. Your ex was a shit. He betrayed your trust, and I'm sorry for that. Not everyone who likes sex is the same, I assure you.

Sex before he met you was, IMO, genuinely not relevant to the relationship with you, and should be no reflection on you or the closeness between you. Just as any sexual history of yours is no reflection on any sexual partners of yours in the future.

That he went off and slept with someone else during a time he was supposed to be faithful to you is dishonest and untrustworthy. That is not what love is, and is not what a relationship is. He was lying when he said the sex meant nothing, because he was either lying to you about what you meant to him or he was lying when he was talking about the other woman. Either way he was a shit and you're better off without him. Flowers

Having many partners over a period of time is nothing to do with cheating on people or causing heartache. Mine were mostly one night stands or fuck buddies at university, where everything was consensual, open and honest. No one was cheated on or lied to.

CaptSkippy · 10/10/2018 08:24

fwb is not purely for kicks. If that is what I wanted I'd be sleeping with strangers. I need to know the people I have sex with for me to be able to enjoy it. But I wouldn't go so far as to call it an expression of love either.

Brown and lornar, you people have a pretty black and white view of sexuality. It's either all or nothing, no middle ground or in between. It's either meaningless or it means everything. I would expect such views from teenagers, but not adults.

lornar123 · 10/10/2018 08:49

Thanks for the flowers silver Smile.

I still don't think the fact he cheated is quite the nub if it either, since if he asked for my permission to have a meaningless shag I would still be gutted. I can't help but think that this is because I expect him to swear off meaningless sex with anyone once he has had sex with me, but that doesn't seem reasonable. There is no logical reason for this really other than that i must view sex as something special for want of a better word.

Capt. That's a bit condescending, I do actually have very strong boundaries about sex and will put them up even when it causes me a lot of heartache.

curious2 · 10/10/2018 08:52

I have slept with one, and now it feels that at 49 I will never be in another relationship Sad. Someone tell me that isn’t true - though I am not hopeful tbh.

Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me. Have always been very shy I suppose. And lacking in confidence.

I don’t think there’s any right or wrong OP.

Brownboots · 10/10/2018 08:52

Yeah ok @Skippy. If I had wanted an y sort of emotional connection with my FWB then they wouldn't have been only FWB. To say that means I have a simplistic view is bullshit.

PipGoesPop · 10/10/2018 08:52

Meh as long as you're happy who cares? Personally I think 3 is 'too low' but if it suited that person then good for them.

FruitofAutumn · 10/10/2018 08:54

I think it is very high and IRL would judge you as someone with low self esteem and some personality flaw making you not very good at relationships

echt · 10/10/2018 08:59

I think it is very high Compared to what?

and IRL would judge you as someone with low self esteem

How exactly would you correlate this to the numbers?

and some personality flaw making you not very good at relationships

What flaws would these be?

Take your time.

surferjet · 10/10/2018 09:08

I would personally judge anyone who’d had more than about 15 sexual partners - man or woman.
I’ve had 5, dh about the same.

Brownboots · 10/10/2018 09:10

@Fruit you'd be well off the mark there, in my case anyway

  • I don't have low self esteem, the men i've slept with outside of relationships weren't to try and boost my self esteem. They were because I was single, there wasn't a man on the scene I wanted a relationship with, but I like sex.
  • I'm sure I have personality flaws, but I don't struggle to form relationships. This assumption of yours suggests that you believe every sexual encounter I've had has been either in a relationship, or trying to get in to one. Not true. Please see bullet point above.
Original poster
fifithefoof · 10/10/2018 09:13

But I didn't want relationships!

OP posts:
Original poster
fifithefoof · 10/10/2018 09:15

@curious2 Thanks

If 1 is fine for you then that's fine!

You sound like you're not happy with that though, maybe you could join a club or try online dating? I get that it may feel a little daunting though.

You sound perfectly lovely so I'm sure it's not you! Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
fifithefoof · 10/10/2018 09:15

I have very high self esteem don't worry about that. Grin

OP posts:
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