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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Were we rude & unreasonable?

171 replies

Ownerofalittlechimp · 08/10/2018 20:41

Eh birthday on Friday & originally planned to have mil & cm for tea & cake (just takeaway as v young dc's). Dh got stuck in work so rearranged for Sunday lunch. All good, nice roast, birthday cake etc. After I've cleared up ds1 comes through says granny a & granny b want wine mummy. We don't have any so I say so & offer more coffee, soft drinks etc (had offered before & during meal too). Big sighs from both then muttering together that they wanted wine, thought we'd have had it & they'll make do with coffee if that's the only thing available. Mil continues to mutter that she was looking forward to a few glasses as she's got a busy week & so suddenly has to leave to finish some jobs. Both gone within 5 minutes then later found to be slating us (me) on family whatsapp for being mean & rude. Guessing they thought they were messaging each other.

For context we very rarely have wine or any drinks in & dh just wanted a nicelunch with family. Not anti alcohol or anything & if we had anything it would be offered. Dh has responded to msgs saying they've been rude but apparently we're awful hosts & should always have a decent drinks selection to offer, what if they'd wanted g&t's etc

What do you all think?

OP posts:
theOtherPamAyres · 08/10/2018 22:12

Is there a reason why you and your family are taking these insults, ingratitude, and snidey comments on the chin?

INeedNewShoes · 08/10/2018 22:14

I would be surprised to not be offered a glass of wine with a birthday lunch but I would never say anything. I would turn up with wine and flowers though so there would be wine available for the hosts to offer if they saw fit.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/10/2018 22:14

Well, tell your DM and MiL that they better never DARE serve me Pepsi instead of Coke when they invite me to dinner!!!!

Seriously, the host offers what they wish to offer. The guest graciously accepts or declines what it offered. And they don't go bitching about it afterwards. Them's the rules.

mumsastudent · 08/10/2018 22:15

Huh! send a bottle of alcohol free fizz - with a note that we were concerned about your health & your drinking habits so if you are desperate for a drink - here's a healthy alternative! as said not everybody drinks -if fact less people do nowadays

tillytrotter1 · 08/10/2018 22:16

Next time you go to theirs, if you ever feel like going, make sure to demand Vimto, or anything odd, and tut loudly if it's not there!

JosellaPlayton · 08/10/2018 22:18

The hosts should provide wine, the guests should also bring a bottle but up to the host whether they open it then & there (does it compliment the food, is it chilled if white wine or champagne). Lighthearted but you’re all as bad as each other! I’m be pretty surprised not to be offered wine with Sunday lunch to be honest. The fact that it was a birthday celebration even more so. But this situation would never arise in our family, everyone has cellars of the stuff since we have wine makers on both sides!

KERALA1 · 08/10/2018 22:22

It's not normal to drink alcohol every lunch time but in our circles it would be normal to have wine with Sunday lunch if you have visitors. A decent red with your beef or good white with chicken. Just a glass or so. I wouldn't say anything if not offered though would think it abit odd. Coke or Pepsi to me are drinks for children. Wouldn't want tea or coffee with a roast.

MrsStrowman · 08/10/2018 22:24

They have been rude, but I always have a wide selection of drinks in, if I invite people for dinner they can choose what they want to drink as they are adults. I think unless someone in the house has had issues with alcohol it's polite to have a bottle in for a dinner at least. I've not touched alcohol since march but have offered soft and alcoholic drinks at the meals and BBQs we've hosted since, probably at least 9 or 10 occasions. If I sent to someone's house for dinner I would expect them to have a soft drink to offer me, even if everyone else was drinking.

DragonMamma · 08/10/2018 22:32

I also think they were rude to mention it and not turn up with a bottle as a gift (we operate the one for the host, one to drink ethos in my family).

That being said, I would be flabbergasted to not have been offered a glass of wine, bottle of beer or a G&T for a birthday lunch. I cannot imagine my family sitting around quaffing glasses of Robinson’s barley water for a Sunday lunch with family. I do think a good host would have had at least a bottle of red and white in, for guests.

themuttsnutts · 08/10/2018 22:37

I think my family would've been the same. To be fair, I think most have wine with a Sunday roast so I would have got some in

They were wrong to slag you off, though, but I suppose it wasn't for your ears

OnceUponATimeInAmerica · 08/10/2018 22:40

I would always offer guests a glass (or several) of wine with Sunday lunch, especially if it was a birthday, and would never expect them to bring their own bottle. Doesn't mean we are raging alcoholics.

There is a gulf between having a few drinks with family or friends on an occasion, and being dependent on it. Liking a glass of wine with your Sunday lunch might be the only glass in weeks. But, as always on MN, there are cat's bums and pearl clutching all over the place about anyone actually enjoying an alcoholic drink more often than when the moon is in the third quarter in conjunction with Mars in the ascendant.

BewareOfDragons · 08/10/2018 22:42

Incredibly rude.

I'd respond: "Wow. Rest assured you won't have to endure meals with us for the near future."

FrancisCrawford · 08/10/2018 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 08/10/2018 22:46

Wouldn’t dream of having people over for Sunday lunch and not offering red or white wine. Never been to someone else’s for Sunday lunch and not been offered wine either - even more so on someone’s birthday.
Equally though I’d never turn up to lunch or dinner as a guest without a bottle so if for any reason the hosts didn’t have any I could at least drink the bottle I’ve bought.

Purpleartichoke · 08/10/2018 22:51

They were incredibly rude. You don’t criticize your hosts who have provided a nice meal just because it isn’t exactly what you would have made yourself.

We rarely drink. The odds of finding a bottle of wine in our house at random are low. I do always have hard liquor because when you buy a bottle it lasts basically forever. Since we have lived in this house a decade, I have managed to accrue about 15 types of liquor. I don’t stock mixers regularly either though.

sanam2010 · 08/10/2018 22:58

don't take it personally, sounds like they are too used to drinking alcohol. I have some family members like that, they get very nervous when there's no alcohol around. It's sad, they will have an unhealthy habit / addiction and blame it on you. I can't believe how ungrateful they are.

flopsyrabbit1 · 08/10/2018 23:03

they were rude imo

why does everything have to revolve round alcohol

MarklahMarklah · 08/10/2018 23:10

I'd offer wine with a meal if I had it in the house, but if I didn't then people would have to manage without, or bring their own.
Usually if I'm going to someone's house for a meal, I'll take a bottle of wine as a gift. Had your guests done so, they'd have had nothing to complain about.
If I'd been invited to somone's house for ameal and they didn't have wine, I'd happily accept something from the choices on offer.
Nobody is going to die from not having a glass of wine with their meal, so I say YANBU.

Squidgee · 08/10/2018 23:13

We always offer wine or beer with sunday dinner if we have guests.

That being said, they were still rude.

Niri1 · 08/10/2018 23:19

Why not bring a bottle if that's what they expect at a birthday roast. Even if they thought you may of got some in. They are grown adults behaving like sulky children, not being alllowed sweeties with their meal. Maybe if they come over again, say "I've got some fizz if you'd like some" and offer up Dr pepper in a wine glass. Watch faces.. ooh!! sour! ha.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 09/10/2018 00:10

I am quite surprised at the number of people on the thread who think its normal to drink alcohol at lunchtime to be honest

it's the nature of the lunch that makes people think there would be wine, its a birthday lunch not just any old lunch! However if they knew your DH doesnt drink much then they shouldn't have been surprised. If they were that desperate they could have brought their own although if I was celebrating somones birthday with them and they weren't drinking I wouldn't drink either.

Also people who are surprised that people have wine with sunday lunch have you never been out for sunday roast to a restaurant or pub? Its fairly common for people to have wine with sunday lunch.

MaisyPops · 09/10/2018 06:50

garethsouthgatesmrs
I agree.
There's some funny ideas here that 2 people being rude because they expected a glass of something at a celebration lunch must somehow be signs of an alcohol problem because nobody ever has any alcohol before 6pm ever unless they're an alcoholic.

I'm not a big drinker. To me if you're hosting a celebration meal then it's entirely normal to have a bottle of bubbly or wine for people to enjoy a glass with the meal. A glass of wine with a roast dinner is hardly binge drinking at 11am.

They were rude about it, that's it.

lovetherisingsun · 09/10/2018 06:54

It's rude of them to mutter that there's no alcohol at lunchtime. And weird.

LoniceraJaponica · 09/10/2018 06:55

They were very rude.

That said - "It's not normal to drink alcohol every lunch time but in our circles it would be normal to have wine with Sunday lunch if you have visitors."

This ^^ is what we would do as well. If they wanted wine why didn't they bring any?

exLtEveDallas · 09/10/2018 06:57

Hahaha!

If this had been at my house not only would there not have been wine, there wouldn't have been any wine glasses to drink out of!

We don't drink it so we don't buy it.