Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is friend a cf

999 replies

Penelopeee · 08/10/2018 19:23

Evening.

I regularly help out other school mums. Have become known as the mum to ask for a favour I suppose. Never really given it too much thought, firm believer that if you can help someone else out in life you should.

For the last 18 months I have looked after my friends daughter who is in my daughters class at school. They are year 3 (7 turning 8). I also have a smaller person who is at home with me all day.

So friends DH drops their DD at mine just before 7am. Usually twice, sometimes 3 times a week as they both work shifts. School starts at 8.50am. School finishes at 3.30 and DD is collected by dad by 5.30pm.

Our daughters are classmates and get along, they do however have their fair share of winding each other up and bitching to each other which all of us parents tend to ignore and stay out of.

Friends DD is turning 8 this weekend and friends have booked her and 5 friends into like an activity centre place. The girl took great delight in telling my DD where parents had booked, who was invited and clarifying that my DD wasn’t invited.

We look after this girl so much. I know the old can’t be invited to everything but my DD makes no fuss about this girl being here, shares all her toys, use of her tablets etc we feed her when she’s here. Shares her mummy’s time etc.

DD is upset. She’s upset she wasn’t invited. She upset that ‘friend’ will continue to get to come to her house so much when in her words “we aren’t good friends obviously”.

AIBU to think that my friend should of maybe done the whole we will be in Inviting XXXX as they do a lot for us???

To be honest I feel really fucking used!! So as not to drip feed, they don’t pay me and have never offered. They’ve never looked after mine. Nor have they offered.

OP posts:
nannykatherine · 09/10/2018 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SadieLancaster · 09/10/2018 23:35

Is that you CF??

Myshinynewname · 09/10/2018 23:50

Think CF has arrived! ☝️

Sunflowersforever · 09/10/2018 23:53

Oooh @nannykatherine

It's you!

IDoLoveToBeBesideTheSeaside · 09/10/2018 23:57

I'm sure she'll bitch about you to anyone who'll listen. Who will then find themselves looking after her kids ...

Betsy86 · 09/10/2018 23:59

Ooooooooh whats up nannykatherine Grin

Cawfee · 10/10/2018 00:08

She didn’t even say thank you!! Can’t believe the audacity of the woman. Never ever ever do any favours for her again. She’s used you and your family for 18 months. She’s utterly vile.

Charlottesshoezzzz · 10/10/2018 00:11

Oooooo has the cheeky fuckery 'friend' made an appearance here or what ??? 🙈

LostSoul69 · 10/10/2018 00:12

Ooh welcome to the party @nannykatherine..what’s your take on the situation 🧐

hks · 10/10/2018 00:16

really shocking but i know how you feel my daughter was the only one not invited to a friends birthday party even though like you she was here every day when her mother was late home from work. after school

it wouldnt be fair on your daughter putting up with her if she is not really a "friend"

Ari83 · 10/10/2018 00:19

Oh I do love when I get to end of the thread and there's been a good outcome!! Good on you OP!!! Glad you got rid of the Cf, hope you have a great weekend with your DD!! Please update us on further CF-ery, I'm sure she'll try again!!

Realjournal123 · 10/10/2018 00:22

She's an idiot for doing this to you and your DD! She will regret it when you stop the free childcare and when she realises why! You're a good person but you're allowing yourself to be taken for a fool which of course you're not. Nip it in the bud right now and let her know that it's just not working for you anymore as it takes up too much of your time with your own child and as she wasn't invited to the party proves they're simply not good friends.

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/10/2018 00:25

@Realjournal123 - RTFT. Or at least the OP's posts.

The thread is 700+ posts long.

Do you seriously think your post, this far in, is the one that's going to light the OP's way.

She's resolved it already.

I think we should actually @tag people who are so ill-mannered as to do this.

Realjournal123 · 10/10/2018 00:29

TheDowagerCuntess- you really are a head case aren't you!! .... And we'll named!

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/10/2018 00:34

Thank you!

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 10/10/2018 01:19

Blimey...I'm late to this particular party. CF, well done OP. Now inevitably following Grin

LauderSyme · 10/10/2018 01:29

I have RTFT and actually my over-riding feeling now OP, is bafflement. How have you let this happen? What on earth has been going on?

You said that the girls rub each other up the wrong way but they have been forced to spend time together through no fault of their own. Why were they 'forced'? There was not much in it for you in return, except 18 long months of no appreciation, no reciprocation, no compensation and no gratitude or grace.

If you recognised the friction between the girls, why did you not weigh up the options and consider your alternatives? Why did you believe that your daughter had no alternative but to accept CFDD's presence in her home?

You said CF has taken 18 months of your life but you haven't said that anyone ever pressured or manipulated or coerced, or even charmed you into continuing with this three day a week arrangement once it had started.

The unanimous horrified outcry here against 'friend's' cheeky fuckery is because all those hours of free childcare are an awful lot to ask of anyone. But they are an awful lot to give too OP. Many pp's have suggested the multiple, significant impacts on your family life. I personally would feel each of those impacts on my household very keenly, but you said you have never really thought about it beyond a general impulse to be helpful.

It seems you made the unquestioning choice to give freely of your family's time, space and sanctuary whilst expecting and receiving very little in return.

Sorry OP, I am not troll hunting you, I am not sceptical but am genuinely perplexed.

PatPhelansRedVan · 10/10/2018 01:37

Cow

SongsWithoutWords · 10/10/2018 02:34

I have noticed that this type of CF, or other 'drain' often make themselves known very early on by the way that they befriend people.

Most friendships start relatively slowly and build up - with reciprocal/fairly even efforts on both sides to progress the friendship.

This type of CF however often go out of their way to befriend their targets - they are flattering and charming and so so attentive. The target is flattered by the attention and 'this lovely friendly person' 'who has so much in common with me'. The requests for help (or whatever they are after) start small, so as not to raise red flags and slowly build up overtime. Until you find yourself in Ops shoes, doing daily childcare without ever really remembering agreeing to it.

These types are usually adapt manipulators. So for everyone saying, how did you let this happen, it happens easily and to a lot of people. They deliberately target kind-hearted, open types who are quick to help.

Frankswife87 · 10/10/2018 02:43

@NannyKatherine , hello CF!

Thehappygardener · 10/10/2018 03:12

Delighted you and your daughter have had a happy end to this week. I’m sure that lots of us have been gently sucked into something we didn’t intend. Well done in getting out of the arrangement so gracefully 🌺😊✅

PanchoBarnes · 10/10/2018 03:15

@LauderSyme
tbh - I thought all those things as well, but was just too much of a coward lazy to type it all out.

But I suppose some people really do have it all together, and their mornings or daily routines aren't sheer chaos. I do hope this was true, and really is a case that the OP has just woken up to being a mug, and has finally snapped and farted out of it.

Astrid09 · 10/10/2018 03:35

Your poor daughter it's so unfair. If that was me I'd feel used. Just think how much they'd have to pay in childcare if you didn't do it and they ignore your daughter on a birthday so unfair. I'd also have a word and explain how your daughter is feeling. I wouldn't feel like looking after her the day school day.

flumpybear · 10/10/2018 05:10

Bloody hell some parents literally have no shame!

Highest order of CF'ery ever, shameless cheek ... bet you're sorry now Karen -

And piss taker of the year goes to YOU! Karen ... come down and pick up your prize ...... 🖕

Angelf1sh · 10/10/2018 06:26

There was a thread exactly like this on the relationships board a couple of weeks ago, except the kids were about 5 and the CF had been asked why the OPs kid hadn’t been invited and the CF had said the invite list was up to her kid. Clearly this behaviour is a lot more prevalent than I’d realised! A lot of people’s generosity is being abused. Glad you called time on it OP.