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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is friend a cf

999 replies

Penelopeee · 08/10/2018 19:23

Evening.

I regularly help out other school mums. Have become known as the mum to ask for a favour I suppose. Never really given it too much thought, firm believer that if you can help someone else out in life you should.

For the last 18 months I have looked after my friends daughter who is in my daughters class at school. They are year 3 (7 turning 8). I also have a smaller person who is at home with me all day.

So friends DH drops their DD at mine just before 7am. Usually twice, sometimes 3 times a week as they both work shifts. School starts at 8.50am. School finishes at 3.30 and DD is collected by dad by 5.30pm.

Our daughters are classmates and get along, they do however have their fair share of winding each other up and bitching to each other which all of us parents tend to ignore and stay out of.

Friends DD is turning 8 this weekend and friends have booked her and 5 friends into like an activity centre place. The girl took great delight in telling my DD where parents had booked, who was invited and clarifying that my DD wasn’t invited.

We look after this girl so much. I know the old can’t be invited to everything but my DD makes no fuss about this girl being here, shares all her toys, use of her tablets etc we feed her when she’s here. Shares her mummy’s time etc.

DD is upset. She’s upset she wasn’t invited. She upset that ‘friend’ will continue to get to come to her house so much when in her words “we aren’t good friends obviously”.

AIBU to think that my friend should of maybe done the whole we will be in Inviting XXXX as they do a lot for us???

To be honest I feel really fucking used!! So as not to drip feed, they don’t pay me and have never offered. They’ve never looked after mine. Nor have they offered.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2018 23:51

It sounds like the other 'friends' have had their measure of her quite quickly, it is a shame it took so long for you to realise what a CF she is. Better now than never.

1in4FrogsIsALeapFrog · 09/10/2018 00:04

@OP This is just awful. You’re too good a person here and I hate to say it but you’ve let CF walk all over you!

I know you said that your DD can give as good as she gets type of thing but I dont think this is a valid excuse for CF Junior’s behaviour!
My mums friend used to look after us for a few hours after school (paid) and her son was horrible, really annoying type of person who likes to wind people up - I was told several times by DM to be nice to him because his mum was doing DM a favour (and in this circumstances at least my DM was chipping in and paying)

I think CF juniors behaviour towards your DD is reflective of her mums attitude towards you.

I’m so invested in the outcome now, good luck for tomorrow Flowers

ArrivisteRevolt · 09/10/2018 00:06

Yes, OP, good luck for tomorrow.

Weathermonger · 09/10/2018 00:06

I'd be stopping the childcare immediately. The parents are using you, and the daughter sounds like a nasty piece of work. Please keep us updated.

Crankywitch · 09/10/2018 00:12

If I were you I'd give her 48 hours notice tomorrow. I wouldn't engage just say 'it doesn't work any more'. I think that kid will be unbearable on Thursday and Friday and surely your kids will let slip that you will be stopping the childcare? Good luck with everything, you're kind she's horrible.

Secretlifeofme · 09/10/2018 00:16

What a CF! Good luck OP

Shezza71 · 09/10/2018 00:17

I believe that for children over 8 years old you don't have to be registered to care for them in your home. So maybe you could draw up a contract to cover childcare costs and expenses and hand it to her. 😆

Catren · 09/10/2018 00:18

Also 😮 at the cf-ery going on here!

The old mumsnet line of "this arrangement no longer works for me" with a big fake smile, will suffice.

Have a great Saturday with your dd

Cornishclio · 09/10/2018 00:22

Why would you even have this girl this week? You owe the mum nothing and she has taken advantage and the girls are obviously not friends. I would be telling her tomorrow that you can't provide childcare any more. The other mums obviously realised a lot sooner than you what type of woman this is and stopped the arrangement. Let your daughter have other friends home on play dates and stop forcing this girl on her.

Cornishclio · 09/10/2018 00:24

You don't have to give her notice. She is not paying you and is no friend just a user.

LauderSyme · 09/10/2018 00:30

Loads of good advice on this thread and am finding your narrative arc most compelling OP, I hope you'll keep us posted Grin

You sound lovely and kind, you have truly gone immensely above and beyond for this 'friend'.

You made the point very well in a previous post about why, in a nutshell, you are ending the arrangement. I think that'll be a perfect way to put it when you broach the subject with her tomorrow morning. She has form so she may well cry but I am sure you will handle her with aplomb. Go forth with resolve Penelopeee - and good luck!

HmmmWellAllRightyThen · 09/10/2018 00:34

Another CF vote here.

Most people would be EXTREMELY GRATEFUL if someone gave them 8 to 12 hours a week of free childcare and they would back that up in their actions.

Your "friend" is no friend at all and neither is her daughter to yours. 8 years old is old enough for her to know how much she would hurt your daughter's feelings. Not invited then rubs it in and mocks your daughter. Angry

MarcieBluebell · 09/10/2018 00:34

Really want to know what the cf says. What a horrible person.

whiteroseredrose · 09/10/2018 00:36

Your daughter's relief tells you that you are doing the right thing.

There was a mum here like your CF one. Child care, lifts etc without reciprocation even blagging a free holiday in a friend's holiday cottage in peak season. Drove me nuts that everyone bitched about her but didn't stand up to her. She did exactly the same to a friend's DD. Didn't invite her to the party because she didn't know her well enough!!

AuntieFesterAdams · 09/10/2018 00:37

Ha- I could have written your post about 2 years ago.
Glad you are getting it resolved.
My eldest DD got to the age where she hated after school care, so I changed my hours to collect kids from school.
DD1 had an on/off friend. Mum asked if I could bring her DD home and she could hang with DD1. Not a particular friend of my kids but hey...
After 2 years of this, my blinding moments came in the same week.
Other mum came to collect her DD late- it was OK as he husband had had to collect sick son from school BUT had not bothered to come and collect their daughter at pick up time- leaving me to do so.
Then her DD rolled her eyes at me when I asked what snack she wanted- ' Don't you know by now'.
So told the mum I was changing work hours and could no longer do after that week.
The mum cheekily asked what I was doing with my kids.

Anyway the mum has probably spoken to me 4 times since then. But me and kids are much happier.

Hope your farewell goes as well.

OldShuck · 09/10/2018 00:37

Massive CF Shock

ColdCottage · 09/10/2018 00:48

I agree with above so not on. She has taken advantage of you as a lovely friend and not shown appreciation or understanding.

If it were me I might also hand her a little note and say " i kept forgetting to get around to it, but here is the total for all the food your daughter has eaten at mine, Tesco vouchers would be great, thanks"

timeisnotaline · 09/10/2018 00:53

The only thing to add is so what if they do click and suddenly there’s a party invite? It changes nothing. They are just as incredibly cheeky users as before, and you continue with the ‘it’s not working for us’.

TheMaddHugger · 09/10/2018 01:07

There was a very similar post last week. Just like this one. For a mo there I thought I was reading an old post.

Deja Vu

Anyway OP. Good for you, stay Classy.

Or is friend a cf
TheDowagerCuntess · 09/10/2018 01:42

It's just such odd behaviour. Why would you go out of your way to piss off someone who's doing you such a massive favour? And not just that, but to make it really, really clear that they're having a party, and your DD isn't invited.

It's so weird.

In any case, aside from all of this being CF behaviour in the extreme - it sounds like the amount of time the girls have been spending together has been to the total detriment of their friendship. So the arrangement has to end, anyway.

Good luck with the convo Thanks

Purpleartichoke · 09/10/2018 01:51

I would not make your Dd play host even a single day more. This needs to end now.

Gnuggers · 09/10/2018 02:08

You know, a casual here and there I would (and have done) be ok with, but the ongoing “here’s my roster with dates” is just CF.

My mind is blown that you have been doing it for free! It’s $18 for a morning and $25 an afternoon here - they are really taking the piss!!

penisbeakers · 09/10/2018 02:09

Even without the party related fuckery, this childcare arrangement is absolutely taking the piss. Get rid.

civicxx · 09/10/2018 02:17

18 months free childcare between those hours?! Jesus!! I used to pay £14 an hour before 8am!! Ditch the helping out, can't believe they never offer to have your daughter for play dates on weekends etc or I don't know buy you a gift card for restaurant and offer to have your daughter, ANYTHING as a thankyou I'm so shocked. You sound such a lovely person & she is 100% not your friend!! Very sorry for your situation xx

klondike555 · 09/10/2018 02:32

Don't do Thursday and Friday this week as it continues to show your DD that you're prioritising the CF and her kids over DD.

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