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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is friend a cf

999 replies

Penelopeee · 08/10/2018 19:23

Evening.

I regularly help out other school mums. Have become known as the mum to ask for a favour I suppose. Never really given it too much thought, firm believer that if you can help someone else out in life you should.

For the last 18 months I have looked after my friends daughter who is in my daughters class at school. They are year 3 (7 turning 8). I also have a smaller person who is at home with me all day.

So friends DH drops their DD at mine just before 7am. Usually twice, sometimes 3 times a week as they both work shifts. School starts at 8.50am. School finishes at 3.30 and DD is collected by dad by 5.30pm.

Our daughters are classmates and get along, they do however have their fair share of winding each other up and bitching to each other which all of us parents tend to ignore and stay out of.

Friends DD is turning 8 this weekend and friends have booked her and 5 friends into like an activity centre place. The girl took great delight in telling my DD where parents had booked, who was invited and clarifying that my DD wasn’t invited.

We look after this girl so much. I know the old can’t be invited to everything but my DD makes no fuss about this girl being here, shares all her toys, use of her tablets etc we feed her when she’s here. Shares her mummy’s time etc.

DD is upset. She’s upset she wasn’t invited. She upset that ‘friend’ will continue to get to come to her house so much when in her words “we aren’t good friends obviously”.

AIBU to think that my friend should of maybe done the whole we will be in Inviting XXXX as they do a lot for us???

To be honest I feel really fucking used!! So as not to drip feed, they don’t pay me and have never offered. They’ve never looked after mine. Nor have they offered.

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 08/10/2018 23:06

OP whatever you do, don’t mention the party.

If you use that as an excuse CF will just twist it to make out her DD got it wrong and of course your DD is invited.

Then you’ll be stuck.

As others have said - just tell her the arrangement doesn’t work anymore.

Lauren0rder · 08/10/2018 23:10

Good grief

This is truly awful.

What a dreadful woman.

Jamiefraserskilt · 08/10/2018 23:11

She will call unfair and sour grapes about the party. Keep that smile, say nothing after delivering your intentions. Then walk away still smiling.
Would love to know why the others gave it up.
Please do not mention the S word because she will assume you are open to negotiation and will lay it on thick. Her career choices are not your concern.
Read up about radiators and drains. She is a huuuuuuuge drain, hear her suck!

ZenNudist · 08/10/2018 23:11

No to thursday and Friday now you've seen the light.

I admire people as selfless, calm and giving as you. I did one good turn for friend today and i am praying she doesnt expect it as a regular favour as it caused epic problems my dcs behaviour. Never would i agree to 3x a week indefinitely. Even if they paid me.

HettySunshine · 08/10/2018 23:12

You are setting a great example to your daughter op by showing her she doesn't have to put up with being treated badly. Have a lovely time at the cinema on Saturday and enjoy having all that time with your children with any horrid CFs to muscle in!

Buxtonstill · 08/10/2018 23:14

Good luck for the morning. I would not look after her ever again. They have a day to sort it out.

dollydelightful · 08/10/2018 23:15

I used to look after a friends daughter, although she did give me a small amount of money to cover expenses, it was way more hassle than it was worth, as her dd was a bit of a pita.
I eventually said I'd have to stop as it was no longer convenient - it was amazing how quickly the friendship dried up after that, I felt really used and really sorry that I imposed the other girl on my dd. I would never do it again more than the odd day here or there for a friend, or play dates requested by my child.

Whereismumhiding2 · 08/10/2018 23:16

I hope CF parents and their entities DD don't persuade you otherwise @Penelopee, by any last minute invites. You now know this 'booking you in' for 3 unpaid childcare mornings and after schools a week, is massively intrusive in your family cosy life, exploitative of your niceness and piss taking for no return favours. It gives me the rage on your behalf and your DC's, just reading your updates.

I've had similar (not 3 days a week) and learnt that there are always those who'll take advantage and be ungrateful. It took a while though as I was brought up to be nice and helpful too. I'm very selective who I help out now. Genuine emergency or genuine friends only.

shuthefrontdoor · 08/10/2018 23:19

Aww your poor girl OP. As PP have said, please end the arrangement and don't let her take the piss out of you anymore x

Whereismumhiding2 · 08/10/2018 23:19

And I learnt, not at my DC's expense.

Mehaveit · 08/10/2018 23:21

For a term a friend offered to look after DD1 1 afterschool occasion a week as my childcare abruptly ended. I bought her a day out somewhere she loves which cost the same as the money I'd 'saved' in childcare (which legally I couldn't pay her) I thanked her frequently and always checked DD1 was no bother. Sent in my own fruit snack till friend told me not to be so daft and she'd give her the same as her DD.

3 days before and after school for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! She is a CF of the highest order.

I think you're actually right to do Thursday and Friday as agreed because it makes you the better person and less likely to come out of it looking bad. So you can end it with your head held high.

Stompythedinosaur · 08/10/2018 23:22

How astonishingly rude!

I agree with everyone saying that you shouldn't do childcare this week. Your dd1 should have to share their home with someone exciting them in an unkind way. If you have her she will doubtless spend the time telling your poor dd1 about the party she isn't invited to.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2018 23:24

Good luck tomorrow, she is rude and ungrateful, has she done anything nice for you, in the way of thanks for saving her so much on childcare fees, no! I would not do Thursday or Friday. Giving you her shift times Shock, the cf of that woman.

MrsRhettButler · 08/10/2018 23:29

You and your dad sound lovely.
Be prepared for her to wail and worry about how she's going to cope at such a short notice. Please remember this is not your problem.
Have fun at the cinema Flowers

MrsRhettButler · 08/10/2018 23:29

Ffs DD not dad Confused

AjasLipstick · 08/10/2018 23:30

I love it when cheeky cows get their comeuppance!

DC18 · 08/10/2018 23:31

Total of agree with pp. She is a cf who is taking advantage of your kindness!
Tell her straight tomorrow that your DD is upset that she isn't invited to the party and you are also a disappointed as you were under the impression they were good friends, hence why you agreed to help look after her DD. The arrangement isn't going to work for you or your DD anymore so they will need to look for childcare.
Don't let her back peddle or make up excuses. You and your DD deserve better than these using arses! X

garethsouthgatesmrs · 08/10/2018 23:31

i agree with those saying dont do thurs/ fri, for your daughters sake you need to show her that she doesn't have to put up being treated like that. You are speaking to her tomorrow so she has 48 hours notice.

Armchairanarchist · 08/10/2018 23:33

I wouldn't inflict spawn of CFs on you DD ever again. Fuck Thursday and Friday.

t00dle00 · 08/10/2018 23:36

@dollydelightful I was in the exact same situation as you.

Adult friendship is fizzling out and I feel bad I had that little shit cherub around my son.

My son thinks they're friends (at times) but they're not. Her son can be horrible to mine at times. We were just handy to have as free childcare.

This all happened fairly recently and I feel bloody great for stopping it. You will too OP

Bumblebee321 · 08/10/2018 23:37

Following for the update!

Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2018 23:41

If you feel yourself wobbling, and feeling bad, think about how this arrangement is impacting on your dd, and the relief she had when you told her that it was going to end.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2018 23:41

That is one good reason not to continue anymore.

JakeBallardswife · 08/10/2018 23:42

Well done OP, sorry it’s taken your DD to be upset to reassess your looking after them but you’re going to feel so free next week!! Yeehaa.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 08/10/2018 23:48

OP, you sound absolutely lovely, and it's great to see how much you a) help your friends and b) have your daughters back on this.

To give you some idea of just how much of a cheeky fucker your 'friend' is... I used to do the morning school run for someone who wasn't even a friend, to begin with (we had a mutual friend who suggested me, as the DDs were in the same class). She'd drop her DD with me at about half seven, I'd give her DD breakfast, DC & I would walk to school together. Less than ninety minutes, two or three days a week. She paid me £7 every day I had to do it ('to cover food & heating'), she gave me two weeks notice of the mornings she'd need me, she bought my kids Christmas & birthday presents, and not only was DD invited to birthday parties, so was my DS (3yrs older).

CFery doesn't even cover your 'friend'.