Or is friend a cf

[Penelopeee]

Evening.

I regularly help out other school mums. Have become known as the mum to ask for a favour I suppose. Never really given it too much thought, firm believer that if you can help someone else out in life you should.

For the last 18 months I have looked after my friends daughter who is in my daughters class at school. They are year 3 (7 turning 8). I also have a smaller person who is at home with me all day.

So friends DH drops their DD at mine just before 7am. Usually twice, sometimes 3 times a week as they both work shifts. School starts at 8.50am. School finishes at 3.30 and DD is collected by dad by 5.30pm.

Our daughters are classmates and get along, they do however have their fair share of winding each other up and bitching to each other which all of us parents tend to ignore and stay out of.

Friends DD is turning 8 this weekend and friends have booked her and 5 friends into like an activity centre place. The girl took great delight in telling my DD where parents had booked, who was invited and clarifying that my DD wasn’t invited.

We look after this girl so much. I know the old can’t be invited to everything but my DD makes no fuss about this girl being here, shares all her toys, use of her tablets etc we feed her when she’s here. Shares her mummy’s time etc.

DD is upset. She’s upset she wasn’t invited. She upset that ‘friend’ will continue to get to come to her house so much when in her words “we aren’t good friends obviously”.

AIBU to think that my friend should of maybe done the whole we will be in Inviting XXXX as they do a lot for us???

To be honest I feel really fucking used!! So as not to drip feed, they don’t pay me and have never offered. They’ve never looked after mine. Nor have they offered.

This mean girl has taunted your daughter about not being invited.

I think you should show you DD that you have her back, and not let this girl spend another minute in your home.

Wow, that’s a hell of a lot of childcare.

I just couldn't allow a child who was bullying my own child in this manner back into my house ... and she's doing it with her parents' knowledge and support essentially!!

No way would I let her back through the door.

Wow.
It would be a given in our house. X child comes plus 4 others of your choice.
How fucking rude.

Ds2's best friend came to ours after school every day, 16.00 to 18.30/19.00, from the age of 5 to 12 (unpaid). When the boys were around 7, his younger sister started coming too. I loved the dcs (and still love them even though they are adults) and it was a great arrangement - the boys did their homework together (it encouraged ds2 to get on with it) then went off to play (and all in French), and dd (8 years younger than the boys) idolised the younger sister (it was good for her French too). The only gripe I had was when ds2 was around 8 and things were difficult for us financially. I asked the dad if he could bring snacks/drinks for them and although he said he would, he never did.

When ds2 was 11ish, I asked the mum if we could reduce the number of days her dcs came, as ds2 needed individual attention from me to help with his school work (stupid Belgian school system) and I felt I couldn't give it with them all there. She got most upset with me. Where were her dcs going to go? (There is cheap after school care here.) And the price for staying after school is the same for 2 days as it for the week so they might as well stay all week! I lost it at that point and said she could explain to her dcs why they couldn't come at all (ie that she was being pigheaded) because I was certainly not saying that they weren't welcome at all. She backed down and apologised, and we are actually really good friends now but I was staggered by the cf of it all at the time!

Bloody hell, 0P. This is truly shocking. Good luck. Sack the pricks.

This is an outrageous abuse of your kindness, even without the party issue. The parents could easily arrange a childminder for those hours, shut it down now and get your home and family time back. Hugs to your DD.

Oh my god! Cease the free childcare immediately!

"The reason CFs and liars get away with it is cos nobody calls them on it." Absolutely! I've stopped taking crap like this. Worst offender was sister now nc. Any "friends" who start seeming like this I pull up or stop being "friends", those that genuinely didn't realise will apologise and amend behaviour - cf's will try and make out you're in the wrong which is frankly just showing their true colours!

Completely cut ties tomorrow. "going forward, including this week I'm no longer able to have child x, it's too much for our family, and as you've no doubt noticed our girls aren't close any longer". Nothing more, nothing less. Show your DD how to stand up to a bully. Because you're both being bullied in different ways.

Good luck 🤞🏻

Well done OP.
I wouldn't be doing Thursday or Friday this week though especially as your dd was so relieved that the arrangement is ending. There really is no reason whatsoever for you to continue to the end of the week. You have been taken advantage of long enough.

Just smile and say "the arrangement just doesn't work for my family". If asked for further reason just say "that is the reason. It isn't working for my family, as I said "

If you carry on til the end of the week you are gonna expose yourself to more cringey interactions than necessary and cf is certainly not going to be grateful for the extra two days she will be busy slagging you off during this period.

I’d pull out with immediate effect. By telling her tomorrow you’re giving her two days notice to make other arrangements. Besides, her daughter is likely to be very excited about her forthcoming party towards the end of this week and it seems really unfair for your child to have to listen to that.

You've saved her a fortune in child care and she couldn't even pay for a party space. The mind boggles, I just cannot understand some people's mindset

Yep I'd be cancelling it as of tomorrow and not having her DD ever again.

Cheeky. As. Fuck.

Shamelessly placemarking!!

this post is so gonna be picked up by the media so be careful op

Blimey-I’m amazed you put up with this for so long!

Agree... cancel childcare with immediate effect!

I actually WOULD tell her why. Up to now, you have been happy to help because you believed you were welcoming one of your daughter’s friends into your home. Exclusion from her birthday celebration is a clear indication that you were mistaken and that they aren’t the friends you thought they were.

Just go with what queenie8 says. Seriously you don't owe them anything and as others have said they aren't going to accept it gracefully.

Hmmm given your update I'd bet good money that the Dad/husband - who at least thanks you for looking after them - doesn't realise that your kid hasn't been invited.

He'll be the quickest one to put two and two together when you end the arrangement and will probably be a) totally appalled at your CF friend and b) profusely apologetic to you.

I'm completely blown away at this total lack of manners.

Not placemarking, no not me!

I genuinely have the rage on your behalf op.
Fuck Thursday and Friday. She has tomorrow to sort her shit out. Just say it’s not working out. And it really isn’t.

Be prepared for pleading for ‘just this week’ and ‘oh I can’t find anything for tomorrow’. Stand firm. She has kids. She is earning money. It’s her problem.

And NO other parent can hear that you looked after her kids three times a week from 7am and think you’re anything other than a saint.

Hope dd has a lovely time at the cinema

Hell no. This level of CFery gives me the rage! I might come down with a mysterious 48hr illness on Wed evening if I were u OP...

I also think that it would be a good idea to tell df why you can't help anymore. I think you should be explicit that her dd has been very unkind to your dd. There are so many CFs around these days who seem oblivious to the consequences of their actions. The nice people need to start being straight with them.

I also agree that you are teaching your dd a multitude of important life lessons: that she is important and valuable and you care about her feelings as well as how to assert boundaries and that actions have consequences AND that when she confides in you about how upset she is, you will take action to protect her.