Or is friend a cf

[Penelopeee]

Evening.

I regularly help out other school mums. Have become known as the mum to ask for a favour I suppose. Never really given it too much thought, firm believer that if you can help someone else out in life you should.

For the last 18 months I have looked after my friends daughter who is in my daughters class at school. They are year 3 (7 turning 8). I also have a smaller person who is at home with me all day.

So friends DH drops their DD at mine just before 7am. Usually twice, sometimes 3 times a week as they both work shifts. School starts at 8.50am. School finishes at 3.30 and DD is collected by dad by 5.30pm.

Our daughters are classmates and get along, they do however have their fair share of winding each other up and bitching to each other which all of us parents tend to ignore and stay out of.

Friends DD is turning 8 this weekend and friends have booked her and 5 friends into like an activity centre place. The girl took great delight in telling my DD where parents had booked, who was invited and clarifying that my DD wasn’t invited.

We look after this girl so much. I know the old can’t be invited to everything but my DD makes no fuss about this girl being here, shares all her toys, use of her tablets etc we feed her when she’s here. Shares her mummy’s time etc.

DD is upset. She’s upset she wasn’t invited. She upset that ‘friend’ will continue to get to come to her house so much when in her words “we aren’t good friends obviously”.

AIBU to think that my friend should of maybe done the whole we will be in Inviting XXXX as they do a lot for us???

To be honest I feel really fucking used!! So as not to drip feed, they don’t pay me and have never offered. They’ve never looked after mine. Nor have they offered.

Wow just wow. Her for utter CFkery and you for putting up with it for so long you've saved them literally thousands of pounds and still let them treat you like an unpaid servant.
I hope going forward you can show your DD how NOT to tolerate mean and ungrateful people so she doesn't end up sacrificing herself for people who would drop her faster than a warm shite. They don't give a damn. Raise your bar on what you expect from friendship!

Agree with PPs- tell her straightaway that you won't be able to look after her child from now on, and she's got a couple of days to sort out other arrangements. Pretending to be ill at the last minute would just bring you down to her level.

You don't have to justify why you are no longer willing or able to provide free childcare- it no longer works for your family. If you do want to give a reason, better to go with the line that the children are not getting along well at the moment and it isn't fair on either of them. Don't mention the party, and if DD gets an invitation once you've broken the news then you can (truthfully) say that you already busy with other plans that day.

You've been really nice Penelopee by continuing this arrangement for so long - and you're being really nice again by telling her tomorrow morning but still having her DD on Thursday and Friday!! You're being very kind and considerate - despite them not inviting your DD, never saying thank you, never ever reciprocating or even offering, never paying, never showing any form of appreciation ....

Don't do it. End the arrangement immediately. Their childcare issues are NOT your problem.

Well, she sounds totally immature and clueless - she would never have changed career if she couldn't get free childcare off her mates?

She'll have to pay like everyone else, agree shifts with her DP like everyone else, and be inconvenienced like everyone else.

Wow, good for you for standing up for your daughter. What a user she is.

I think you’re doing the right thing, including having her this Thursday and Friday, because that’s a truly —saintly— kind and decent thing to do. CF indeed. Legendary thread.

Also by telling them, yet still continuing for the rest of the week will give them more time to either try to negotiate for a later end date or it will just be plain awkward.

My jaw is on the floor.

When did the other kids get their invitations? Can you find out?

In all honesty, I wouldn't even see the end of the week out. You owe them nothing. CF's.

Absolutely shocking ! Incredible CF.She will play the victim when you pull away.You will have the last laugh as you will get all that uninterrupted time without one extra child,sounds like she has burnt many friend bridges and will have to pay for childcare so she will have less disposable income and will join the real world in terms of childcare and budgeting.

You don't need to feign illness. You don't need an excuse. You don't need to apologise.
You can just say no.
(And I wouldn't do Thursday and Friday)

I could so see myself getting into a situation like this so I can see how it happens. You are absolutely doing the right thing.

She is a cheeky bitch. Can't believe how rude she is. Did your other friends ever say why they stopped helping out?

I, like you would probably say id mind her this Thurs and Fri but it might be fun for you to watch her panic completely.

She had a big tearful conversation with me about how her so-called friends had let her down

At what point is it her friends' responsibility to look after her children because she's at work? Lots of parents work, they don't expect or demand their friends provide free childcare.

You're doing absolutely the right thing in binning her off. I'm sure she'll whinge and whine that it's all soooo unfair (extra points if she pouts or actually stamps a foot) but it's high time she learned not to dump her responsibilities on others.

I genuinely don't think minding the kid on Thursday Friday sends out a good message to your DD. Kind? Polite? Maybe. But us women get ourselves into so many pickles because we're taught to be 'kind' and 'polite' rather than assertive and fair to ourselves. This thread absolutely shows that you (and your daughter) are being treated extremely poorly. Putting 'kind' and 'polite' above ensuring that you are not treated badly is not a good life lesson for anyone. Just my 2 cents worth...

Wow! Just wow! I’m shocked at the strong CF in this family

I recently had a situation where DC2 had to go to a pre-op assessment and I had nobody to get DC1 to school because where we live is not covered by public transport and no breakfast club etc I felt bad asking a friend to watch DC1 for 30 mins and do the 3 mile school run. I was so grateful that I bought their young children a small gift, mum flowers and dad chocs.

I can’t believe your so called ‘friends’ and their cheek! Some people are naturally CF’s and feel the world owes them a favour.....

Please update us as to what was said and good luck for tomorrow for you and for your DD. Enjoy your special time with DD on Saturday.

I would definitely "pull a sickie" until Saturday and would text mid party to tell her you were no longer available to look after her child.

Don't mention the party. She'll use it to bad mouth you to others, but she will know that's the reason. Tell your dd to steer clear of the girl as no doubt she'll turn out exactly like her mother.

You are doing the right thing. Good luck for tomorrow!

I am drawn into these type of scenarios. How do you avoid them. What are the warning signs.

Traits I’ve witnessed.
How everyone else is so awful to the cf.
The troubled life story.
Getting you to say yes before popping the question.
Binning you at the end with all the other awful people.

Good luck tomorrow OP

I am gobsmacked 😮.

Be strong, calm and digne tomorrow. Say the bare minimum.
Don’t enter into an argument, if it turns sour, say I am glad I was able to help you for 200, 400 or whatever hours but this is no longer possible. I wish you all the best , good bye

Go for it OP. What a piss taker. You are too kind for your own good! Just another lesson I guess. Good luck

I would distance it from being due to the lack of party invite. I would say that you have noticed over a while that they aren't as close and when her dd told your dd about not being invited it just confirmed for you that they were both unhappy. It sounds unlikely that the other mothers will be dashing to fill your void. Maybe have their daughters over more instead.

Your updates are great OP.

You have a great plan! I'm so relieved that you've seen the 'Don't let others abuse your good nature' light!

at how she guilted you into doing free childcare 3 days a week starting at 7am for her after you'd already done massive favour of 1 day a week for 8 weeks when she was training. That alone was so helpful. And would have earnt my undying gratitude if you'd done that for me. Frankly I wouldn't have asked or would have been cooking YOU dinners for your freezer, cakes, & making massive fuss of you for ages afterwards just for those 8 weeks alone!!

CFMum has been earning money and treating you like staff,.unpaid staff, when you've been feeding her child, with no favours back, no even thoughtful small gifts nor gratitude. That's what I can't understand. Pls learn a huge lifelesson from this as you're out of pocket for the help you've been giving her (food, precious family time). NO friend treats another friend in that exploitative a way!!

Even if the girls did get on, all children friends fall out sometimes - so it'd be an imposition at that level of contact anyway, 12 hours a week!!!- even with the best of friends- and the other DD sounds like a bit of an entitled madam sometimes. She should not condone her DDs behaviour or excluding your DD.

You're giving your DD a strong message now that she's more important, her views and feelings matter, and this other girl and her parents are ungrateful and not more deserving than your DD and younger DC. DD's relief says it all.

You've been kind and if CFMum says anything ungrateful or moany to you, I'd be tempted to remind her she's had free childcare without even trying to significantly return any equal favours and that they've taken advantage for long enough.

Wow - she is definitely a cf and treating you as her PA/nanny - but without giving you any paycheck or reciprocating the childcare!

Cannot get over that she got you to book the party, and that you even found her a discount - but then she excluded your dd. She seems to regard you as "below stairs household staff"