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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Or is friend a cf

999 replies

Penelopeee · 08/10/2018 19:23

Evening.

I regularly help out other school mums. Have become known as the mum to ask for a favour I suppose. Never really given it too much thought, firm believer that if you can help someone else out in life you should.

For the last 18 months I have looked after my friends daughter who is in my daughters class at school. They are year 3 (7 turning 8). I also have a smaller person who is at home with me all day.

So friends DH drops their DD at mine just before 7am. Usually twice, sometimes 3 times a week as they both work shifts. School starts at 8.50am. School finishes at 3.30 and DD is collected by dad by 5.30pm.

Our daughters are classmates and get along, they do however have their fair share of winding each other up and bitching to each other which all of us parents tend to ignore and stay out of.

Friends DD is turning 8 this weekend and friends have booked her and 5 friends into like an activity centre place. The girl took great delight in telling my DD where parents had booked, who was invited and clarifying that my DD wasn’t invited.

We look after this girl so much. I know the old can’t be invited to everything but my DD makes no fuss about this girl being here, shares all her toys, use of her tablets etc we feed her when she’s here. Shares her mummy’s time etc.

DD is upset. She’s upset she wasn’t invited. She upset that ‘friend’ will continue to get to come to her house so much when in her words “we aren’t good friends obviously”.

AIBU to think that my friend should of maybe done the whole we will be in Inviting XXXX as they do a lot for us???

To be honest I feel really fucking used!! So as not to drip feed, they don’t pay me and have never offered. They’ve never looked after mine. Nor have they offered.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 08/10/2018 21:55

I’m gobsmacked that anyone can be so bloody entitled Shock

81Byerley · 08/10/2018 22:00

Looking forward to hearing what happens!

Poisongirl81 · 08/10/2018 22:00

you sound lovely. I was in the same situation...helped oùt a mate having her dd all the time, feeding her etc. She had a party and my dd wasn't invited. it was very sad. now she's settled with a fella and doesn't need a sitter she has nothing to do with me!

DartmoorDoughnut · 08/10/2018 22:01

Good luck for the morning!

cardiffqueen · 08/10/2018 22:01

Op I'm glad you've decided to end the CF arrangement. But I'm curious, how did you end up in this situation in the first place?! Early morning to 5.30pm 2-3 days a week is a serious commitment. Did you have a formal conversation about what you would do for them? It just seems like an odd arrangement to accidentally fall into!

ClemClemFandango · 08/10/2018 22:05

If she tries to say it's because of the birthday party I would feign ignorance and say you assumed that dd was invited to the party that she asked you to book. Shame her.

This. Definitely do this!

BewareOfDragons · 08/10/2018 22:05

I would honestly greet them at the door tomorrow morning, or whenever she is 'supposed' to be dropped off next for you to watch and care for her for free and stop them at the door. "I'm sorry. But you'll have to make other arrangements for madam. My DD isn't good enough to go to the birthday party that I personally helped madam's mother book for her, but good enough to host her all hours for free so you can go to work? Fuck that! How dare you treat my DD so poorly ... and she's bullying her at school over it now, too!. So, no, she isn't welcome here today or any day. Good luck sorting her care out elsewhere. And close door.

I'm so angry on your behalf, OP. Your poor girl!

GinandGingerBeer · 08/10/2018 22:06

I'd be disconnecting the doorbell in the morning.
Outrageous cheeky fucker

RapunzelsRealMom · 08/10/2018 22:06

I am Shock at the sheer CF'ery of this pair and their DD.

However it's easy to gradually get dragged into something and very hard to get out of it again so I feel for you OP. I can see myself in your situation.

Stay strong and think of your DD, and yourself!

Ngaio2 · 08/10/2018 22:07

Do update us OP with “ friend’s” response

TechnicalSergeantGarp · 08/10/2018 22:07

I wouldn't pretend to be ill. You can't give notice for a job you don't have. I'd probably say the childcare wasn't working anymore with immediate effect. If pushed I might say the girls need space. Any complaints or whinges would be met with 'I hope you get sorted out'.

Then absolutely this - If she tries to say it's because of the birthday party I would feign ignorance and say you assumed that dd was invited to the party that she asked you to book. Shame her.

goingtotown · 08/10/2018 22:08

Be prepared for her to justify your DD not being invited & don’t succumb to her excuses. She has exploited your friendship. Don’t be used anymore.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 08/10/2018 22:09

Yep I’m in the don’t do Thursday/Friday camp - just from the point of view that that’s two mornings and two afternoons where her DD will be sticking the boot in with your DD about her party (you know she will), I’d honestly tell The to get fucked to spare more taunting than your DD has already had to endure.

Bear in mind that if her DD escalates this at school (after you stop their free childcare I suspect your friend might bitch about you and her DD might hear) then you’ll need to let their teacher know to keep an eye out for bullying behaviour.

Good luck! You have the power of MN behind you! 💪 ⚡️⚔️🐍

Penelopeee · 08/10/2018 22:09

@cardiffqueen indeed! Two years ago friend took a new job that meant a decent career start. She did 8 weeks full time initial training and asked me to help out with childcare. Which I agreed to, it was no issue as it was only ever 8 weeks.

After that ended she asked three of us for one day a week.
Mum 1 ended it after about a month!! Her daughter is invited to birthday.
Mum 2 lasted about 3 months. Her daughter is also invited.

She had a big tearful conversation with me about how her so-called friends had let her down and she would never have changed career route had she of know this would happen. Then did the whole are you still ok Penelopeee to help. But we never discussed me jumping from one day a week to more. It just happened.

I think a PP got it right when they said before it wasn’t an issue for me and I was happy to help. Things have changed now and I’m not happy to do it anymore.

I’m a nutshell that’s why I’m definitely ending the arrangement.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 08/10/2018 22:11

Has she or her husband ever looked after your DD or done you
any form of favour when they've been off work? I bet they haven't - I bet they'd fall over themselves to come up with excuses if you asked!

I'd bin her off right now, with immediate effect, invoking her daughter's nastiness towards DD over the party invite. Make clear it's not the lack of invitation in itself, it's the deliberate taunting, which has really upset DD and so you're no longer prepared to ask her to share her time at home with someone who clearly doesn't even like her.

GinandGingerBeer · 08/10/2018 22:11

Oops. I thought I was at the end of the thread when I posted.
Please don't have her Thursday. It's NOT your responsibility.
Let your dd see you stand up for you both.

GinandGingerBeer · 08/10/2018 22:13

Alright maybe it's not best for your dd if you jack it in straight away. I'm just so Shock

CrazySheepLady · 08/10/2018 22:13

Wow! The cheek of the woman has quite taken my breath away!

Dermymc · 08/10/2018 22:13

Whoa she is one CF.

I hope she reads this and realises she's a twat.

limescaleAHHHHH · 08/10/2018 22:13

I feel so bad for you and your dd.

Please end the arrangement, and stamp this CFery out!

slapmyarseandcallmemary · 08/10/2018 22:14

What a cheek!!

Thebluedog · 08/10/2018 22:15

Good for you OPFlowers

heartyrebel · 08/10/2018 22:15

Good for you, and to set an example to your daughter that it's not ok to allow people to treat you like shit.
Cant wait for the update

Redinthefacegirl · 08/10/2018 22:15

Just wow!

At least the other mums already know she's a CF. She'll be hard pushed to bad mouth you effectively.

You sound great, I'm very impressed you intend to tell her face to face. That's very fair of you.

Enjoy the cinema with your dd.

wheresmyhairytoe · 08/10/2018 22:16

Do not have her this week. Text her now that it's not working and you can no longer do it.

It's not your problem what they do now. Fuck em.