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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Or is friend a cf

999 replies

Penelopeee · 08/10/2018 19:23

Evening.

I regularly help out other school mums. Have become known as the mum to ask for a favour I suppose. Never really given it too much thought, firm believer that if you can help someone else out in life you should.

For the last 18 months I have looked after my friends daughter who is in my daughters class at school. They are year 3 (7 turning 8). I also have a smaller person who is at home with me all day.

So friends DH drops their DD at mine just before 7am. Usually twice, sometimes 3 times a week as they both work shifts. School starts at 8.50am. School finishes at 3.30 and DD is collected by dad by 5.30pm.

Our daughters are classmates and get along, they do however have their fair share of winding each other up and bitching to each other which all of us parents tend to ignore and stay out of.

Friends DD is turning 8 this weekend and friends have booked her and 5 friends into like an activity centre place. The girl took great delight in telling my DD where parents had booked, who was invited and clarifying that my DD wasn’t invited.

We look after this girl so much. I know the old can’t be invited to everything but my DD makes no fuss about this girl being here, shares all her toys, use of her tablets etc we feed her when she’s here. Shares her mummy’s time etc.

DD is upset. She’s upset she wasn’t invited. She upset that ‘friend’ will continue to get to come to her house so much when in her words “we aren’t good friends obviously”.

AIBU to think that my friend should of maybe done the whole we will be in Inviting XXXX as they do a lot for us???

To be honest I feel really fucking used!! So as not to drip feed, they don’t pay me and have never offered. They’ve never looked after mine. Nor have they offered.

OP posts:
happinessischocolate · 08/10/2018 21:36

You shouldn't do any of the care this week. The issue is less about them being CF (the parents certainly are) it's that your DD is now being made to share her home and toys with someone who took pleasure in telling her she was excluded. You shouldn't teach your DD that she has to put up with that. There is no reason for you to keep offering care to a child who is mean to your DD. Indeed, you shouldn't keep offering care to a child who is mean to your DD.

I totally agree with this, it's more about the CFDD spitefulness than the lack of actual invite. Please put your DDs feelings first and tell them you can't help anymore as from NOW

YourMilkshakeIsBetterThanMine · 08/10/2018 21:38

If you stop today, your Dd gets the message loud and clear that she has been treated badly and you won’t let it carry on.

^^that

Glad you've decided to put a stop to it!

NoSquirrels · 08/10/2018 21:39

Oh, I'm so sorry, OP.

I am definitely NOT in the "reciprocal party invites" camp but for a favour of this magnitude, where the DC are together multiple times a week, I would abso-fucking-lutely be telling my DC they had to invite your DC. I mean, I wouldn't have put you in that situation in the first place but wow, that is fucking AWFUL behaviour.

Flowers
Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2018 21:39

Your dd not liking this girl tgere all the time is enough to end it. Her relief should tell you something. Time to put her first and stop being a doormat.

littlebillie · 08/10/2018 21:39

Seriously I had a similar situation when my DCs were small I declined the arrangement and she was a seriously nasty price of work when I said no. Finish the arrangement tonight politely by text .

Ledehe · 08/10/2018 21:39

Do not look after this child Thursday or Friday. Why should you make your daughter uncomfortable in her own home for 2 more days for these fuckers. So their kid can come and gloat that your daughter isn't invited when playing with her

FlippinNora1 · 08/10/2018 21:39

Friend texts me every couple of weeks with a list of her shifts for the next 2 weeks to book me in as she calls it

She really does see you as her staff. I think she’s been watching too much Downton where staff kids are fine in their place but never get invited to special events Shock

You sound lovely OP. I have a dd in year 3 and I know how much the pointed lack of an invite would hurt her too. Enjoy the cinema x

VincentVanGoughandhisear · 08/10/2018 21:40

I actually 😲 at her booking you!!!

Enjoy your Saturday with you daughter xxx❤🍬🎬

KC225 · 08/10/2018 21:40

Don't beat yourself up over this OP. You have done this out of a good heart and good intentions but they have taken advantage. Luckily, you have seen the bigger picture and seen them for what they are. Stop thinking of this woman as your friend, a friend would not treat you and your DD that way.

Have a lovely day on Saturday with your DD. The cinema with popcorn and sweets is a super treat.

LanaorAna2 · 08/10/2018 21:41

Really important that you show DD - and the other little girl - how real humans should treat each other.

Get shot of the little girl immediately, explaining calmly and briefly why. If they call you to apologise, forgive them as long as you don't think they're only after the free childcare service. If they're genuinely sorry, think again.

PorkFlute · 08/10/2018 21:41

Or you could just tell them that today was the last day op!

alphajuliet123 · 08/10/2018 21:42

You've had her 8-12 hours a week for something like 60 weeks school time. 600 hours at even a basic childminder rate, plus food is around £3000. If she gets arsey tell her she's lucky you haven't billed her!

NoSquirrels · 08/10/2018 21:42

Also yes. Cancel as of now.

Usually I would say if you have committed to something you shouldn't screw someone over.

BUT. Parties (and the exclusion from) at that age are just so important. And your DD has to put up with it not just in school but before school AND after school.

Sack them off as of now. Text both the mum and the dad.

MrsSchadenfreude · 08/10/2018 21:42

I think torrential shits. And vomiting too. She probably has a lot of bile to come up too!

del2929 · 08/10/2018 21:44

outrageous!! im bloody annoyed for you. your poor dd. hope you find the strength to tell this friend to fk pff

MadeForThis · 08/10/2018 21:44

Glad you are going to stop the arrangement tomorrow.

If she tries to say it's because of the birthday party I would feign ignorance and say you assumed that dd was invited to the party that she asked you to book. Shame her.

SoleBizzz · 08/10/2018 21:44

I would just tell the patent at the door on the morning of their arrival at 7am.. I'm.not looking after.your child anymore.. bye.. shut door.. I wouldn't tell the parents why..

PorkFlute · 08/10/2018 21:45

Be prepared for her to tell you how stuck they are going to be when you break the news op. They are used to you being a soft touch. Remember that their childcare issues are their problem to sort out - not yours.

Petalflowers · 08/10/2018 21:47

Enjoy the cinema!

RhythmStix · 08/10/2018 21:47

Keep us posted OP.

ohdeardeardear · 08/10/2018 21:48

You and your DD sound lovely. Your 'friend' is a CF. I honestly don't know how some people sleep at night!

worstmotherintheworld · 08/10/2018 21:49

You have been doing them a massive favour that other people would happily pay for so yes she is a very CF and unkind too. It seems like it's too late to discuss money with this woman but in future you could accept payment for a similar private agreement on childcare - just don't advertise yourself as a childminder if you aren't one.

Socksandshoes · 08/10/2018 21:53

If she tries to say it's because of the birthday party I would feign ignorance and say you assumed that dd was invited to the party that she asked you to book. Shame her.

I would absolutely do this. What a horrible set of people.

Brainfogmcfogface · 08/10/2018 21:54

Who does that?! As everyone had said OP time to end this kushdy deal they have with you! cheekyfuckery indeed!
Personally I’d message the night before with an excuse you can’t have their brat and really fuck em over but I’m a bitch like that...

ahouseofleaves · 08/10/2018 21:54

Why are you doing childcare for them Thur and Fri? They have tomorrow to sort it out not that you even owe them that

This. Don't let CF walk all over you anymore.