Or is friend a cf

[Penelopeee]

Evening.

I regularly help out other school mums. Have become known as the mum to ask for a favour I suppose. Never really given it too much thought, firm believer that if you can help someone else out in life you should.

For the last 18 months I have looked after my friends daughter who is in my daughters class at school. They are year 3 (7 turning 8). I also have a smaller person who is at home with me all day.

So friends DH drops their DD at mine just before 7am. Usually twice, sometimes 3 times a week as they both work shifts. School starts at 8.50am. School finishes at 3.30 and DD is collected by dad by 5.30pm.

Our daughters are classmates and get along, they do however have their fair share of winding each other up and bitching to each other which all of us parents tend to ignore and stay out of.

Friends DD is turning 8 this weekend and friends have booked her and 5 friends into like an activity centre place. The girl took great delight in telling my DD where parents had booked, who was invited and clarifying that my DD wasn’t invited.

We look after this girl so much. I know the old can’t be invited to everything but my DD makes no fuss about this girl being here, shares all her toys, use of her tablets etc we feed her when she’s here. Shares her mummy’s time etc.

DD is upset. She’s upset she wasn’t invited. She upset that ‘friend’ will continue to get to come to her house so much when in her words “we aren’t good friends obviously”.

AIBU to think that my friend should of maybe done the whole we will be in Inviting XXXX as they do a lot for us???

To be honest I feel really fucking used!! So as not to drip feed, they don’t pay me and have never offered. They’ve never looked after mine. Nor have they offered.

YES! they are CFs.

When you end the arrangement (after this non- invite to the party) you can comfortably say:'as you have realised, the girls aren't getting on so well these days'.

Unbelievable!

I wouldn't look after their child again. They have duped you.

There is no need to wait for the party, just end the arrangement immediately.
Text and say "I'm no longer able to take your child to school for you, the arrangement no longer works for me"
And don't enter into any discussion or explanation at all. If you have to just repeat "it no longer works for me, that is all".

This family is mugging you off and you have been extremely kind and generous to them.

I don’t have friends DD tomorrow, the next day is Thursday and Friday this week.
I shall see friend in person tomorrow morning at school and will speak face to face to her.

I have spoken to DD this evening before she went to bed. She would like to go to the cinema on Saturday so that’s what we have planned. Extra sweets and popcorn .
I have told DD I understand how upset she feels and that I understand she doesn’t want classmate her anymore. I have told her we shall no longer do it from next week. She seems so relieved and happy with that.

My intention is to say tomorrow that the situation is no longer working for me and I am no longer able to help with childcare.

I will not apologise nor offer a reason. I will be perfectly polite and smiley. I want to see her face and I want to get the right tone across. The “fuck you and your shitty kids birthday” tone.

CF friend may try and bad mouth me but hopefully if she does that will just stop other CFs asking too! Although to be fair others only ask in emergencies or as random one offs which I have no issue with.

The birthday thing really is the straw that broke the camels back. Reading all of your responses has made me feel a bit emotional and realise that I have put someone else’s kid before my own.
In defence though it’s usally 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. My DD can be a little madam when she wants to be! But in this instance she was genuinely upset.

As a PP said, CF friend can ask one of the other 5 parents whose kids are invited to provide free childcare seeing as they are such good pals!

I can’t fathom how some people can be so bloody RUDE. The best case scenario I can see is that DD is invited but CF’s charming little madam of a daughter is sitting on the invite.

Someone upthread suggested feigning assumption of being invited by making a big deal out of how much your DD is looking forward to it at next drop off, and then revealing you know she’s not if it becomes obvious from their squirming. Not the worst idea in the world as it both answers the q of an invite having potentially gone awol and also gives you a great put-down opportunity if that proves to be wrong.

Not many threads make me but this one has. Never have I seen such cf-ery!! Cancel the free childcare this very second. My heart breaks for your poor DD. I used to be a people pleaser until I realised I was the one that made everything work for everyone except myself. Not anymore.

Just to answer previous Qs..... when Dad collects he does always say “what do you say shitty kid to Penelopeee? Say thank you for having me”. He seems more grateful than friend.

Friend texts me every couple of weeks with a list of her shifts for the next 2 weeks to book me in as she calls it.

God Iv been a twat!

I'd also end the arrangement now. If pushed "DD is upset at not being invited given the girls spend so much time together, and her feelings come first". If she tries to pull the "invite lost in the post" nonsense, call her out on it - you know it's a lie because her DD said explicitly to your DD that she wasn't invited.

I can't abide liars and have no problem saying "I just don't believe you". The reason CFs and liars get away with it is cos nobody calls them on it.

If you are going to wait until after the party, I might throw in that "it is evident that your DD does not like my child and therefore this arrangement is unsustainable for us due to the antisocial hours and the volume of time. If it helps I can send you a list of registered childminders and their rates for the same"

Point the CF right in her face and also spread the word among other SAHMS at the gates so they do not become her next "friend" -unsuspecting victim

Why are you doing childcare for them Thur and Fri? They have tomorrow to sort it out not that you even owe them that and I’d be tempted to text tomorrow evening in your situation. I bet your dd would be even more relieved if you could tell her she wouldn’t be coming again! Stop putting others convenience ahead of your child!

Stop being a mug, they are CF taking the piss. Hope they are paying you, but I think not. They are saving so much money in CM fees, the least you dd shoukd be invited to her party. Stop this arrangement right now!

Pisstaking cunts! Why are you still doing this week?

Your a nice person and you’ve been walked all over. I’m so sorry please don’t let it stop you being a lovely kind person. I know from experience it can make you wanna stop bring nice to people.

Nothing to add, just

What Mummy 2017 said but not sorry.

Your DD is upset and you still want to have the girl over for two more days? I just don't understand your priorities tbh. Your DD needs space from this situation. I wouldn't wait, regardless if there is a "missing" last minute invitation your DD is unwelcome and doesn't want to go.

Read this to your DD “Never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.” – Clementine Paddleford. Take her out for the afternoon. And give zero fucks about the party.

Hope you enjoy the extra calm you get next week when you've cancelled shitty kid for good.

I'm so cross for you.
Well done you, for deciding to end this.
I wouldn't mention the party. Just call a halt, no need to give a reason.
Have a lovely day out at the cinema with your daughter.

the least they can do for their hours and hours of free childcare is an invite and party bag, OP booked the party for them, did all the research and got a discount. The LEAST they can do.

Sorry just realised they have 2 days to sort out alternative care. Don’t let them use you for another second op!
I’d be sorely tempted not to tell them until Wed evening/Thur morning after the way you’ve been treated!

Please don't be hard on yourself, you have only tried to help. You owe these people nothing, they have taken advantage of your good nature. It's horrible when you realise you've been taken advantage of, but better to be you than the CF'ers. Be kind to yourself and your DD and realise that not everyone has the same behaviour standard as you do. Be honest with your DD and tell her that you were only trying to help etc, and have a lovely day on Saturday. I almost feel sorry for this child, as her parents can't even be bothered to sort out and pay for childcare.

Absolute CF.

Your DD is getting to the stage where she'll want time alone after school in the safety of her own home, without being accompanied by a friend (who will blow hot and cold as lots of kids do at that age). You've gone above and beyond already. Bugger off to them!

I suppose I could tell them Friday is the last day then get the shits overnight? The REALLY bad shits

The best of luck in the morning OP - I hope seeing the replies on this thread has made you realise just how wrong the situation is and how little they think of you. Their behaviours and expectations are unforgivable.

I work shifts and ‘book my childcare in’ (and I use that term) a few weeks in advance - the difference though is that I pay a registered childminder for my childcare which is exactly what the CF Parents should be doing!

I can’t wait for you to tell her tomorrow that the arrangement is coming to an end. People like that have no problem using other people for their own benefit so don’t feel guilty or like you owe her anything.

Show her that you aren’t the doormat she thinks you are!!

Go for it!!!