To retire at 42?

[milkandcrisps]

Obviously not actually retire. Here is my situation. I have no family at all and no partner and few friends.

I am considering having a child. Because of my age I would have to do this with fertility treatment.

I have thought and thought about how I might be able to work with a child and I’m not sure it’s possible. Nursery costs are too high. Plus sometimes I have to do anti social hours.

So - I am considering retiring aged 42. If I took even five years out it’s unlikely I’d get back into my line of work. I don’t think I care as I hate it but am I mad??

@ilovesooty, yes I did single you out because your posts were more surprising given that you claim to be a counsellor. There are a lot of people out there in the world with no sense of themselves, no understanding that we're here to listen to our own voices and not to strive to please others. The OP came to this thread and she has a reasonable plan, she has to make a decision and at her age she should make it quickly. Naively perhaps I find it surprising that a counsellor wouldn't be supportive to somebody who is managing to tune out society's expectations and tune in to their own needs. That is goal of a lot of people who need counselling or therapy. So if you feel singled out that would be why. I have no high expectation that the majority of people 'get' this, and a lot of people on mn are very conventional and judgemental but it is surprising to see a counsellor approach posts in this manner.

I'm a single parent and I've never been hospitalised either. I did manage to find a job that worked for me, eventually, and before that I lived on what I had. But I had an advantage, in the same way that the OP does.
So many people are wages slaves for the sole purpose of paying off a mortgage anyway and they're not judged or told to seek counselling!

OP I am so sorry some people are arseholes on this thread. If you have done all the maths and think it can work for you, then do what makes you happy. You are the one that needs to live with the decisions you make. If I could offer some advice it would be perhaps do some online courses or something whilst the child is young, that was if a career change IS needed, once the child is at school you will be able to get part time work. Life DOES happen and it is important to have a little saving and spoilt yourself/your child once in awhile. They are a lot more expensive than you think.

I am sorry you have had a tough time, I can relate. Good luck

Ted, I’m also an adopter, I think OP recognises that she does have choices which is why she is posting. Yes we both know that foster care would be extremely difficult for a child but the OP is alone. Even if she stayed in her job, she would not have family to look after the child if she were hospitalised. Again, it is unlikely to happen. A child minder would not necessarily drop everything to look after a parents child full time for a few days. Not having family is not a reason for her to not have a child though.

For those suggesting she could adopt, I’m sure OP knows that and it is not a helpful thing to suggest. I can tell you now she would not be accepted as an adopter in her current state of mind and circumstances. Not her fault but true.

OP - good luck , I think you should try for a baby, do some freelance work and look to working school friendly hours when child is 4. We all adapt to what we have to do. I am a single mother with 3 kids, and you get used to juggling. I didn't choose to be a single mother but just have to get on with it.

I also agree as some posters said that as soon as you go to antenatal classes, postnatal classes, baby groups etc you very quickly make friends and get a little support network. I help out other mothers when i can and vice versa (e.g. I have phoned a mum to pick up DD and keep as I've been stuck in hideous traffic, emergencies happen, or I took another child in when mum had to rush to hospital with her other child).

There is a big difference between responding on a message board in your free time and interacting with clients in a professional capacity.

I don't "claim to be a counsellor" I am. I also have a full time day job where I have to deal with clients in a different setting and challenge perceptions that seem unrealistic or damaging. People react in different ways in different settings.

@ImNotonLinkedInNo. People don't 'get' it because it's nonsense.

This thread is very confusing. OP how many properties do you own one or two? I get your renting in a more expensive area now. If you do have two could you sell one (I know one of them can't be sold but could the other?) Downsize to a flat or similar and use some of the excess equity as a cushion? If you only own one property and can't sell the one you inherited, you will either lose the £450 income of you move in there, or will have that income but will need to pay your own rent, even if in a cheaper part of the country that's not doable on £500 a month, when you know you wouldn't be entitled to benefits due to your property ownership.
You've said you could get some freelance work etc so might be able to top up, how much can you charge and what's the market like for freelance? My aunt is freelance and earns very well and has to turn work down, so if you're in a similar industry that would ask work out.
Without knowing the figures it's really hard to say if this is doable or not. For me this isn't about having a child alone plenty of people do and the children thrive, it's just about understanding the finances.

@ilovesooty and [confused[ that you have two different hats on for something that should be consistent, universal and authentic.

I find my experience at work and the life lessons lived learned shared digested, and knowledge from psychology and philosophy courses does affect the way I post. I used to pride myself on being a chameleon in my 20s and 30s but now I am striving towards one hat.

Luckily, 11 years ago my psychotherapist understood that it was imperative to tune out society's expectations and identify and then listen to my own voice, and as another poster says, live with the outcomes of your own choices. There isn't just one way of living and if the OP has the freedom of stepping out of the race to pay mortgage repayments then she is free to approach life and its usual constraints in a different way. Wealth is not the same as security. The trappings of a high income are not essential. People can if they have the security that the OP has live on a relatively small income especially if they have their eyes wide open going in. The OP does. She also said she's not against getting a job later, but she's planning for the worst case scenario of not beign able to find a job. So far from being cavalier, she's planning for the worst case scenario of NO extra income going forward, which is unlikely really.

''@ImNotonLinkedInNo. People don't 'get' it because it's nonsense.''

She owns a house outright. She is in a better financial situation than three quarters of the people telling her her plan is nonsense.

You could afford childcare on a 45k salary.

If you want to be a SAHP it’s entirely your choice, but justifying it by saying you can’t afford childcare doesn’t make sense.

If you feel that your current role would not be sustainable if you had a child, that’s fair enough.

It would be of more use to thoroughly research what sort of careers could be an option in the future rather than focusing on how to scrape by.

@ImNotOnLinkedInNo
I have to maintain a day job in order to live. That is a reality. And I rather like the job, which does involve both empathy and realism. I've had no complaints in either setting, incidentally.
Your psychotherapist is entitled to their opinion. As long as clients are safe and my (exceptionally well regarded) supervisor is happy with my work, I am happy.

I’m gobsmacked that people are suggesting living on £530 a month is doable, even without a mortgage. Council tax will be at least £100 of that. Phone, electricity, gas, water, tv licence, broadband, easily another £100. Feeding you and a baby has got to be £200. That’s £30 a week to pay for everything else. What if you need a prescription? What about when your car needs an MOT? What about Christmas? What about when you child needs a bike, or swimming lessons? School uniform?

OP, AIBU was probably a bad place to ask opinions about this as it is seemingly an open invitation for people to put the boot in. People are judging you harshly while knowing next to nothing about your life.

Do what you want to do, but bear in mind you'll probably end up having to take some kind of work to supplement your income, even if that is taking in ironing or whatever. And also bear in mind you may feel very isolated so you need to keep a network going and meet new people in your situation too, in e.g. baby groups and lone parent groups like Gingerbread.

And try to shake off any bad feeling this thread has given you.

@ilovesooty, there may have been no complaints at work but I gather you're dealing with crisis situations in a practical way.

otherwise you would have recognised that your approach posting amounted to 'drown out your own voice and fulfil society's expectations' which is a troubling stance from a counsellor.

Also, I apologise for expecting the same level of wisdom from you as I would expect from a psychotherapist. The two are very different.

No I am not dealing with crisis situations routinely.
I still disagree with you but you have a right to your opinion. I also continue to assert my right to post my opinion without being judged on a different playing field to other posters.

Yabu if it means going on benefits.

Why is she being unreasonable if she has paid into the system all her life and now wants something back? Plenty of people take far more out in benefits than they ever pay in, why shouldn't the OP have some joy in her life if that's what she wants?

somebody who is managing to tune out society's expectations and tune in to their own needs.

Thing is, a baby isn't a 'need'. It's a want. And the OP is proposing creating another person and bringing him or her into a life of borderline poverty.

A lot of people here seem to have the 'go for it, you only get one life' attitude, as though creating another person were something akin to going on a round the world sailing trip. It isn't.

Nobody has a right to have a child. A child, however, does - or should - have the right to enjoy a reasonable standard of living, and it's very far from clear that that would be the case here. And yes, I know shit happens - people lose their jobs, fathers walk out etc - but dealing with an unexpected situation isn't at all the same thing as deliberately creating a person who you know will be utterly dependent on you and your income of £15 a day.

I’m gobsmacked that people are suggesting living on £530 a month is doable, even without a mortgage. Council tax will be at least £100 of that. Phone, electricity, gas, water, tv licence, broadband, easily another £100. Feeding you and a baby has got to be £200. That’s £30 a week to pay for everything else. What if you need a prescription? What about when your car needs an MOT? What about Christmas? What about when you child needs a bike, or swimming lessons? School uniform?

This. OP can't afford this child. She knows this. She wants to have a child anyway. I think that's shitty in my personal opinion, to have a child that you know will be in relative poverty for your own happiness.

Why is she being unreasonable if she has paid into the system all her life and now wants something back? Plenty of people take far more out in benefits than they ever pay in, why shouldn't the OP have some joy in her life if that's what she wants?

And this is precisely how the Tories have managed to ramrod in UC. This attitude that paying taxes and NI, which you do to sustain a peaceful society with good infrastructure that allows you to mostly go about your business unmolested, is a fucking personal savings account you can draw on when it suits you.

Well, now it doesn't work that way anymore. UC comes with a load of big restrictions and if you don't work FT you're penalised, even if you're disabled.

So the idea of going on benefits so you can sprog off is now a shit one. Stupid and short-sighted.

I think it’s doable if OP has some other form of income.

Long term no but as a minimum plumped out, yes.

She isn’t proposing she “goes on benefits.”

Op don't worry. There are baby groups etc and I've met and made friends in an area I only moved to when I was pregnant. Plus if you don't want to be friends with them they are at least company each day.

I have been a PM earning around 48k and have not returned to work since having a baby.

I do think I can flex my skills once Little one is in school but it would be difficult to go back to the job I did ( time out of the industry plus it's all consuming hours/ night works etc). My partner works 12 hour days so little help, but having said that I do have him.

Plus my dad is 65 and doing a contract PM role. He's done bits and pieces but not in the previous 2 years. Plus nothing fulltime / perm in the last 10 years. It's sometimes luck and an obscure contact that can get you back in.

But I wouldn't underestimate the cost of a child.

Will you stop work for fertility treatment? As depending on whether you are hoping to use donor eggs or your own it may unfortunately not work.

Wish you all the best. Having a child is the best thing and one of the hardest things ever.

She isn’t proposing she “goes on benefits.”

No, but realistically, leaving yourself £500/month to live on is going to require state top ups, especially if the tenant stops paying rent, the boiler breaks, the freelance client doesn't pay up . . .

But hey, waiting till you're 42 is seriously chancing it as it is.