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AIBU?

To retire at 42?

385 replies

milkandcrisps · 06/10/2018 17:25

Obviously not actually retire. Here is my situation. I have no family at all and no partner and few friends.

I am considering having a child. Because of my age I would have to do this with fertility treatment.

I have thought and thought about how I might be able to work with a child and I’m not sure it’s possible. Nursery costs are too high. Plus sometimes I have to do anti social hours.

So - I am considering retiring aged 42. If I took even five years out it’s unlikely I’d get back into my line of work. I don’t think I care as I hate it but am I mad??

OP posts:
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Dungeondragon15 · 07/10/2018 18:13

that it is in trust and she can have the rent for her lifetime or live in it but ultimately the house will be passed on to another family member so she can't sell it

She says she has no family at all though so that doesn't seem very likely.

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gendercritter · 07/10/2018 18:05

The two houses you own - are they close by and is either in a decent area?

I would live in the cheaper one and rent the other out on Airbnb if so. Or live in the larger one and (presuming there is a spare room) rent that out regularly on there. You might get £40-100 a night depending on how nice the house is. You'd have to stop while you have a very small baby but after they're a year old you could do that regularly to top your income up.

If you're near a city, a friend of mine gets £1000 a week taking in students. It won't be that lucrative everywhere but it's worth looking into. They're short term students and are out studying every day and are taken out for trips at weekends so aren't much work.

I think being a childminder in your late forties/fifties would be absolutely exhausting but there will be other things you can do

I do get it op. I have had to decide not to have children despite desperately wanting them, due to having terrible health. It is unbearable at times but it was the right decision (for my hypothetical children, so to speak) and there are upsides. Gateway Women might give you more support on making this huge decision if you haven't come across them.

I do think you should go for it because you do have a degree of financial stability, but I would move forward with a view to making some solid friendships and coming up with lots of ideas as to how to make a bit more money. Your rental property will definitely need maintenance work at some point - as an income it isn't secure enough to rely on. Insurance doesn't always pay out. Rats just got into my home and did 1k of damage and my insurance doesn't cover rodents.

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TeacupDrama · 07/10/2018 17:53

i am only guessing but the reason why the house can not be sold will be either the terms of the will

  1. that it is in trust and she can have the rent for her lifetime or live in it but ultimately the house will be passed on to another family member so she can't sell it


  1. the house has been left to OP and perhaps a sibling and they have half the rent each, they may not be able to sell it depends again on terms of the will


my guess is the OP hates her job ( we know she does she said so) I presume the house she owns is in a cheaper part of the UK but that is not where her current job is, so is she moved back there she would have a roof over her head paid for that would give the yet unborn stability as will not have to move house change schools at landlord's whim, she will have the 450 from other house rental, as this house is in a cheaper part of country council tax may well be much lower as only an a/b band house CB is not means tested so she will get £20 a week just over £80 a month, I would assume as OP is currently single and earning 45K she saves some savings and even if plan started tomorrow and she got IVF soon she has another year to save hard this could easily provide a cushion until child is 3 and in nursery school

using a little savings and being savvy it might be doable

£530 in a small house/flat

£100 council tax, electric/gas maybe £50-60 water £12 broadband etc £30 with this will almost certainly come a landline with free evening calls so a SIM only mobile at £6-7 a month would be sufficient £200 for food/ toiletries and laundry, christmas & birthdays etc £30 a month. clothes and nappies £30. leaves about £48 for transport/ clothes haircuts for you/ toys/ eating out/ entertainment etc

if you can save enough upfront for big expenses up front car/ mot/tax/insurance/ fuel I presume you already have furniture so just need a cot and pram/buggy for baby and have an emergency fund for boiler I think it is just about doable

look up financial freedom etc
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TulipsInBloom1 · 07/10/2018 17:13

Is the house you rent out nearby? Could you serve notice on the tenants and move into that?

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florenceheadache · 07/10/2018 17:03

For me it’s not the financial piece that I find most disturbing.
The OP has stated she is angry, bitter, selfish, without family, few friends, hates her job, and has a shit life. Yet some think this is just fine and a suitable environment for a child.

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Dungeondragon15 · 07/10/2018 17:00

I don't get why you can't sell the house OP as if people want to rent then they will want to buy. If there is actually a good reason beyond the fact that you just don't want to sell then you are in a really bad position financially. If the tenants default you won't have any income and whereas someone losing their job can claim benefits you won't be able to (I don't think) if you have a second house as an asset.
You really need a hefty amount of savings and/or insurance to protect yourself. If you feel living on £450 is possible why not try living on £300 a month after paying rent and saving the rest of your income?

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3luckystars · 07/10/2018 13:41

So will you ever be able to sell the house, ever ever?

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FerryLaugh7 · 07/10/2018 13:11

I would crack on quickly with the fertility treatment while you are still working. I assume you would receive maternity pay. On returning to work you could request flexible working or part time. If you are unable to continue working in your original job, then you can look at your plan B. When child goes to school you could look at some other types of work. I am sure that you will find a way of making things work out in the future.

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continuallychargingmyphone · 07/10/2018 13:09

Left, she will be deemed to have savings in the form of her property and thus will not be eligible for state help. I think she knows this.

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adaline · 07/10/2018 12:48

Why is she being unreasonable if she has paid into the system all her life and now wants something back?

The benefits system isn't there to support someone who has no disabilities but just doesn't want to work when they hit 40 Hmm

But anyway with UC coming in, people won't be able to do that anymore anyway. If you don't work you're penalised, and you can't use having a young child as an excuse either - I'm pretty sure under UC they expect you to be working at least part-time once your child is 3 else they'll cut your money.

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LeftRightCentre · 07/10/2018 12:40

She isn’t proposing she “goes on benefits.”

No, but realistically, leaving yourself £500/month to live on is going to require state top ups, especially if the tenant stops paying rent, the boiler breaks, the freelance client doesn't pay up . . .

But hey, waiting till you're 42 is seriously chancing it as it is.

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catdogfish · 07/10/2018 12:37

Op don't worry. There are baby groups etc and I've met and made friends in an area I only moved to when I was pregnant. Plus if you don't want to be friends with them they are at least company each day.

I have been a PM earning around 48k and have not returned to work since having a baby.

I do think I can flex my skills once Little one is in school but it would be difficult to go back to the job I did ( time out of the industry plus it's all consuming hours/ night works etc). My partner works 12 hour days so little help, but having said that I do have him.

Plus my dad is 65 and doing a contract PM role. He's done bits and pieces but not in the previous 2 years. Plus nothing fulltime / perm in the last 10 years. It's sometimes luck and an obscure contact that can get you back in.

But I wouldn't underestimate the cost of a child.

Will you stop work for fertility treatment? As depending on whether you are hoping to use donor eggs or your own it may unfortunately not work.

Wish you all the best. Having a child is the best thing and one of the hardest things ever.

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continuallychargingmyphone · 07/10/2018 12:29

She isn’t proposing she “goes on benefits.”

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continuallychargingmyphone · 07/10/2018 12:28

I think it’s doable if OP has some other form of income.

Long term no but as a minimum plumped out, yes.

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LeftRightCentre · 07/10/2018 12:28

Why is she being unreasonable if she has paid into the system all her life and now wants something back? Plenty of people take far more out in benefits than they ever pay in, why shouldn't the OP have some joy in her life if that's what she wants?

And this is precisely how the Tories have managed to ramrod in UC. This attitude that paying taxes and NI, which you do to sustain a peaceful society with good infrastructure that allows you to mostly go about your business unmolested, is a fucking personal savings account you can draw on when it suits you.

Well, now it doesn't work that way anymore. UC comes with a load of big restrictions and if you don't work FT you're penalised, even if you're disabled.

So the idea of going on benefits so you can sprog off is now a shit one. Stupid and short-sighted.

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TacoLover · 07/10/2018 12:16

I’m gobsmacked that people are suggesting living on £530 a month is doable, even without a mortgage. Council tax will be at least £100 of that. Phone, electricity, gas, water, tv licence, broadband, easily another £100. Feeding you and a baby has got to be £200. That’s £30 a week to pay for everything else. What if you need a prescription? What about when your car needs an MOT? What about Christmas? What about when you child needs a bike, or swimming lessons? School uniform?

This. OP can't afford this child. She knows this. She wants to have a child anyway. I think that's shitty in my personal opinion, to have a child that you know will be in relative poverty for your own happiness.

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IcedPurple · 07/10/2018 11:48

somebody who is managing to tune out society's expectations and tune in to their own needs.

Thing is, a baby isn't a 'need'. It's a want. And the OP is proposing creating another person and bringing him or her into a life of borderline poverty.

A lot of people here seem to have the 'go for it, you only get one life' attitude, as though creating another person were something akin to going on a round the world sailing trip. It isn't.

Nobody has a right to have a child. A child, however, does - or should - have the right to enjoy a reasonable standard of living, and it's very far from clear that that would be the case here. And yes, I know shit happens - people lose their jobs, fathers walk out etc - but dealing with an unexpected situation isn't at all the same thing as deliberately creating a person who you know will be utterly dependent on you and your income of £15 a day.

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blurredspeech · 07/10/2018 11:48

Yabu if it means going on benefits.

Why is she being unreasonable if she has paid into the system all her life and now wants something back? Plenty of people take far more out in benefits than they ever pay in, why shouldn't the OP have some joy in her life if that's what she wants?

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ilovesooty · 07/10/2018 11:45

No I am not dealing with crisis situations routinely.
I still disagree with you but you have a right to your opinion. I also continue to assert my right to post my opinion without being judged on a different playing field to other posters.

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ImNotonLinkedInNo · 07/10/2018 11:43

Also, I apologise for expecting the same level of wisdom from you as I would expect from a psychotherapist. The two are very different.

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ImNotonLinkedInNo · 07/10/2018 11:41

@ilovesooty, there may have been no complaints at work but I gather you're dealing with crisis situations in a practical way.

otherwise you would have recognised that your approach posting amounted to 'drown out your own voice and fulfil society's expectations' which is a troubling stance from a counsellor.

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ZaZathecat · 07/10/2018 11:38

OP, AIBU was probably a bad place to ask opinions about this as it is seemingly an open invitation for people to put the boot in. People are judging you harshly while knowing next to nothing about your life.

Do what you want to do, but bear in mind you'll probably end up having to take some kind of work to supplement your income, even if that is taking in ironing or whatever. And also bear in mind you may feel very isolated so you need to keep a network going and meet new people in your situation too, in e.g. baby groups and lone parent groups like Gingerbread.

And try to shake off any bad feeling this thread has given you.

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glintandglide · 07/10/2018 11:35

I’m gobsmacked that people are suggesting living on £530 a month is doable, even without a mortgage. Council tax will be at least £100 of that. Phone, electricity, gas, water, tv licence, broadband, easily another £100. Feeding you and a baby has got to be £200. That’s £30 a week to pay for everything else. What if you need a prescription? What about when your car needs an MOT? What about Christmas? What about when you child needs a bike, or swimming lessons? School uniform?

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ilovesooty · 07/10/2018 11:34

@ImNotOnLinkedInNo
I have to maintain a day job in order to live. That is a reality. And I rather like the job, which does involve both empathy and realism. I've had no complaints in either setting, incidentally.
Your psychotherapist is entitled to their opinion. As long as clients are safe and my (exceptionally well regarded) supervisor is happy with my work, I am happy.

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KatieKittens · 07/10/2018 11:33

You could afford childcare on a 45k salary.

If you want to be a SAHP it’s entirely your choice, but justifying it by saying you can’t afford childcare doesn’t make sense.

If you feel that your current role would not be sustainable if you had a child, that’s fair enough.

It would be of more use to thoroughly research what sort of careers could be an option in the future rather than focusing on how to scrape by.

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