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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To retire at 42?

385 replies

milkandcrisps · 06/10/2018 17:25

Obviously not actually retire. Here is my situation. I have no family at all and no partner and few friends.

I am considering having a child. Because of my age I would have to do this with fertility treatment.

I have thought and thought about how I might be able to work with a child and I’m not sure it’s possible. Nursery costs are too high. Plus sometimes I have to do anti social hours.

So - I am considering retiring aged 42. If I took even five years out it’s unlikely I’d get back into my line of work. I don’t think I care as I hate it but am I mad??

OP posts:
TacoLover · 06/10/2018 22:44

It's not the ideal but there is a benifits system in place and the child wouldn't starve.

The benefits system doesn't exist so that people can have children when they want to.

ilovesooty · 06/10/2018 22:45

It didn't seem like a sarky swipe when you'd already said you know it's selfish but you don't care.

Beebopdooowopdo · 06/10/2018 22:45

I’m sure the OP said she would only be eligible for child benefit anyway so the benefit debate isn’t relevant.

ilovesooty · 06/10/2018 22:47

Exactly Bee

Thursdaydreaming · 06/10/2018 22:48

Yes but she won't be earning 45K after the child will she?

No, but most women don't earn 45k after they have a child, and many never earn that much in their lives. They all make it work.

justkeepondigging · 06/10/2018 22:49

@thisneverendingsummer, my guess is you're not a single mum and therefore have no idea what you're talking about. I do struggle (as a single parent) but I also MANAGE. Poor people are generally resourceful and find ways through difficulties when they have to. The underlying message (from you and so many other posters) seems to be poor=no right to have a child, or even think about it. The OP is not saying she is going to rely on benefits, she's looking at how to make her own way on the income she has.

Thursdaydreaming · 06/10/2018 22:50

In regards to the work thing though, I don't think you should see it as a retirement, no. I think you should keep working and saving, take your mat leave, and see what happens. You may find a great childminder and make it work part time. You can always quit in the future if it isn't working.

Original poster
milkandcrisps · 06/10/2018 22:51

Yes sooty it is selfish.

I admit that. To be honest most acts of procreation are.

You’re a counsellor? I hope any woman who comes to you wanting a child is treated with a bit more empathy.

OP posts:
Beebopdooowopdo · 06/10/2018 22:54

There are just too many unknowns about OPs life to go on really. OP has been quite cagey about some things so I assume she is having a tough time generally. It is impossible to say whether she is really being unreasonable, which is why I’m not giving her a hard time. Her answers seem rude but mostly I sense she is frustrated, pissed off and perhaps lonely with nobody else to talk to about this. Apologies OP if I have that totally wrong.

She is thinking it through. She hasn’t actually packed in her job yet or gone ahead with anything yet. She is thinking it over and weighing it up. There is more to this than meets the eye and only she knows her circumstances. Like most people posting on here!

She has two houses and is mortgage free, which is more than I could ever dream of. She could probably be ok on £500 a month for a couple of years and then might well decide to return to work. That is the beauty of exploring options. Some people are getting very upset over something that hasn’t happened yet and something that the OP could back out of if she wanted to (or by returning to work).
I’m sure OP isn’t stupid, just possibly in a bad place right now.

Original poster
milkandcrisps · 06/10/2018 22:56

Thanks Bee

Thing is, if I really was this terrible selfish person I would have done it by now!

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 06/10/2018 22:57

Now that's a nasty swipe. I'm not posting on a chat forum in my professional capacity.
You seem to have taken against my input far more than that of most other posters. I'm beginning to wonder why.

onewayoflife · 06/10/2018 22:59

I still don't fully understand why you'd need to give up work. 45k is a really good wage with no mortgage costs, plus an extra 450/month from rental income. More than enough to cover childcare plus an au pair I would imagine.

People saying that's what benefits are for or suggesting OP shouldn't be relying on benefits: if you own a rental property I don't imagine you get much in the way of benefits. They'd expect you to sell the property and probably won't care about the reasons why you can't.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 06/10/2018 22:59

Keep working and have a live in nanny, then an au-pair as the child gets older. You can’t afford not to work and it would be unfair to bring a child into the world knowing you will struggle to give it very much.

Shopkinsdoll · 06/10/2018 23:02

Yes go for it, if you don’t you will prob regret it. It’s my sisters regret 😪😪

Original poster
milkandcrisps · 06/10/2018 23:02

I don’t think it is a nasty swipe. I genuinely would expect better from a qualified counsellor. You were immediately judgemental and rude.

I wouldn’t get any benefits apart from CB.

I couldn’t afford to live and work here and have a child.

OP posts:
EilaLila · 06/10/2018 23:07

I think your financial plans are not the most realistic. I don’t think it’s not do-able at all but I think it’s unwise to go ahead with your current plan. I think you definitely have other financial options to explore though. :) I’d take heed of the financial advice from parents. Childcare is the biggest expense in the initial years but as children grow up, expenses are still large but different. I know you said giving up work was not just about childcare but I’m just giving advice based on financial planning.

The rest of the stuff is not my place to pass comment on as a) you didn’t ask and b) people have children for all sorts of reasons and in all different circumstances.

Wishing you luck with the future. Take care.

ilovesooty · 06/10/2018 23:07

Right. So being a qualified counsellor means you have to behave differently from anybody else when you post.
Now you are being ridiculous.
As I said you've homed in on my comments far more than you have on those of most people and you show every indication of being aware of me already and demonstrating some kind of problem with me personally.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 06/10/2018 23:12

Plenty of single women work and look after children. Not necessarily through choice either.

I don't really understand your thinking that you'd have to just completely stop working if I'm honest. You might be bored shitless as a SAHM. Childcare is expensive but you make it work if you need to.

Original poster
milkandcrisps · 06/10/2018 23:13

I’ve no problem with you personally. Yes, I’m aware you are a counsellor which isn’t secret information I presume. As such, yes, I was less than impressed when you decided to answer my post with judgement and name calling.

And people think I should get counselling Hmm

OP posts:
GreenMeerkat · 06/10/2018 23:14

Our joint income is less than yours OP and we pay for two lots of childcare. Albeit part-time as that's what I work but perhaps you could too? I wouldn't give up work altogether. Being at home alone with a baby all day everyday with no adult interaction will not be good for your mental health.

Conniedescending · 06/10/2018 23:16

Christ on a bike don't give up your job

You have 45k plus 450 plus CB plus are mortgage free with another rental - there is no reason why u couldn't stay in work and pay for longer hours childcare - which will get cheaper the older they get. Year off on mat leave - some funding by age 3 - childcare vouchers

If u can live on 550 forever surely u can manage that financially for a few years and u owe it to future child to be financially stable - it really would be awfully selfish to consider what u are from a financial perspective

I suspect u may have other motivations in wanting to give up work though so be sure to unpick your thoughts here

And completely would have a child if I were u

ilovesooty · 06/10/2018 23:18

What name did I call you?

This demonstrates one of the reasons I hate serial namechanging. You've obviously been here for some time u der other names and given that I don't post extensively about counselling you seem to be pretty aware of what I do. You don't have a problem with me? Your responses suggest otherwise.

irunlikeahipoo · 06/10/2018 23:19

I haven’t read the whole thread but would you consider a AU Pair so that you can continue working
If you have the space in your home and you have the extra rental income from the other property then a live in Au Pair possibly would be the ideal solution
You could combine a Au Pair with a child minder
Also having a AU Pair would probably be some form of network / company for you as well

Original poster
milkandcrisps · 06/10/2018 23:21

I didn’t have a problem with you until you replied with “I’m doing this for me” overrides the happiness of the potential child for you.

Yes I am doing it for me. Like every other parent on the planet. Don’t kid yourself they aren’t.

OP posts:
thisneverendingsummer · 06/10/2018 23:23

@user1490465531

What a horrible bunch on here. So everyone had a baby in perfect circumstances then.

OP wants a child she doesn't have time on her side no one wants to go into parenting alone but sadly we don't all get the future we wanted. It's not the ideal but there is a benefits system in place and the child wouldn't starve. If everyone only had babies when they could afford it or if they were sure they would never do it alone half of this population wouldn't exist.

Words fail me.Confused

You really believe every word of this don't you? It's attitudes like this that has pushed the country into the fucked-up state it's in . The irresponsible, 'entitled-to' brigade thinking 'hey let's do what the hell we like! The taxpayers will pick up the tab!'

@ilovesooty

Thank you thisneverendingsummer

I don't think I'm being an arse either. The OP on the other hand has a most irritating method of responding to opinions she doesn't like.

Yeah I noticed that sooty! And the same goes for a couple of other posters who are fervently supporting the OP! Wink

Have to agree with you too, that it's ludicrous to accuse people of name-calling, purely because they say things you don't want to hear! Hmm

@irunlikeahipoo

I haven’t read the whole thread but would you consider a AU Pair so that you can continue working?

Not a chance the OP will consider this. She is desperate to give up work! Wink

@mileandcrisps

Yes I am doing it for me. Like every other parent on the planet. Don’t kid yourself they aren’t.

You keep telling yourself that, if it makes you feel better.