To retire at 42?

[milkandcrisps]

Obviously not actually retire. Here is my situation. I have no family at all and no partner and few friends.

I am considering having a child. Because of my age I would have to do this with fertility treatment.

I have thought and thought about how I might be able to work with a child and I’m not sure it’s possible. Nursery costs are too high. Plus sometimes I have to do anti social hours.

So - I am considering retiring aged 42. If I took even five years out it’s unlikely I’d get back into my line of work. I don’t think I care as I hate it but am I mad??

I would never usually ask people if they could foster /adopt but you did mention it in a previous post. If you want to be a parent would this be an option that you could consider. Fostering is a professional role with a salary. Adoption obvs isn't. Just a thought of having a bio child doesn't happen

You HAVE to think of the hypothetical things when you are doing this with no money and no support. You can’t be blinkered.

I was in hospital for two nights when my baby was 4 months old. It happens. What would you do in that circumstances?

I am not trying to be unpleasant. I am trying to be brutally honest.

My life isn't and hasn't been perfect, it's easy to think that a baby will heal you, it's someone to love and love you back.

I shall not say anymore because I don't want to kick someone when they're down.

When my husband died my income went down to just under £500 per month and no way would that cover the bills and I don’t even have young children that need funding. I work part time to top it up and was lucky to have a life insurance payout to invest to add to my income.
No way would you cope on that sum with a baby.
Then what happens if you get ill. I have just spent 3 months laid up with a broken leg completely non weight bearing on the limb. Who would look after the child whilst you spent a couple of weeks in hospital and then a couple of months in a cast? Might never happen to you but it could or even something more serious.

If you want a baby have one but you need to figure out a way to work at the same time as then at least you would be in a position to pay for the help needed.
Have you looked at maybe a nanny or nanny share? On an income of £45k that should be do able.

I don't know how you would propose to live on £500 a month withOUT a child, never mid with!

YABVVVVVVU.

Never MIND with - not never mid!

There's nothing wrong with being a single parent! That is not an issue. At all. I'm a single parent. My kids dad is less than useless. He is actually a hindrance. And my 2 are better off without him around.

Single parenthood is the part of your plan which is entirely reasonable. Nothing wrong with it. You can do it alone. You will make that work. You will also find a huge amount of support from mum groups you join (and even on here if you actually read what posters say instead of looking for attacks and insults where there are none).

The part of your plan that does not work is the finances.

So, you don't know if you can go back on less hours. Well... You don't have to reveal anything too outing, but what sort of hours do all your colleagues do?

If it really isn't possible.. Do you think you have time at the moment to start your freelance work on the side? Get a business established, get some clients, get the ball rolling. Then, when you need that income, you've already got the business going? A little at a time now will help a huge amount when you've got a baby and your maternity pay is done and you decide to not return to your job.

@milkandcrisps

Yes, I am rude. I am rude because I am bitter, resentful, angry and arsey and I think some of you want to think about how bloody lucky you are before you come here yelling at me about how perfect you are and how shit I am. I don’t give a fuck if I am rude; I am sure you will get over it. If it’s the worst thing you have been through, lucky you

I think you need to switch off the internet, and go and relax for a few hours.

Before you do though, ask Mumsnet to delete this thread. It's doing you no good.

Fostering is a good option if you are able to cope with kids from troubled backgrounds, and/or disabilities, why don't you go to an information evening and see what you could earn and how old your own child would need to be -I'm guessing you are wanting a biological child? Another avenue is consulting/freelance is that possible? £450 isn't much money, not to bring up a child, the rules are very strict now with benefits

Honestly nick? If that happened it would have to go into emergency foster care.

Is that a reason not to have a child at all, then being in care for two or three nights?

For goodness sake. If you're in reasonable driving distance of the West of Scotland, I would take your kid in for a few nights if you ended up in a hospital!

I don't know why people are focussing so much on that. There are ways to work around the lack of support you currently have. Single parenthood is not as horrible as people make out.

But the finances are an issue that you need to sort out.

It’s one of the things that has to be considered though, although the main one is financiers.

Are you being serious @fiftyshadesofgreymatter?

For a start, who the fuck would dump their kid on some random person from the internet who they don't know?!

And no, there AREN'T always ways to 'work round lack of support.'

What a ludicrously naive comment!

Milk - my arguement isn’t that you aren’t a conventional family. My point is you are isolated and want to raise the child on a very limited budget.

You haven’t talked about giving your child a lovely happy life. Of the best opportunities you can. In fact you have barely talked about the child at all.

I think you should get some counselling before you start ivf. Talk though the understandable anger and sadness you feel about being so alone. Talk about how he child will help that, and how it might make you feel more isolated (no work colleagues, other mothers busy with family life and careers). Going to family places as a single mum might make you feel worse.

I still say also hink about what support you will have if you get sick. Will you have to rely in emergency foster care?

There are no perfect parents out there- everyone has their struggles and flaws. But your situation does seem more challenging both for you and for the child. You don’t have to be a parent.

OP you have a limited support network but that doesn't mean you can't create one, children open doors to many more people. I had a child away from family (did have a DH though) and I can be very lonely and isolating. However I met dan mummy friends and I would really hope that you would to. I know that if there was an absolute emergency then they would help, hopefully you would never have to resort to emergency foster care. If I were in your position I would check out local child minders who offer overnight care and get to know one in case of emergencies

Milk it would not be 2 or 3 nights. I have been completely off my feet for 3 months only 2 weeks of that was in hospital but coming home I would still not have been able to look after a baby or young child.
If something similar happened as a single mother without any support then I would have had to pay for help.

It can be done but you need to work if not in the job you are doing now if it makes you so unhappy but in a role that allows you enough income to fund a child and pay childcare where needed.

if you're on JSA you need to live on £72 a week

I’m not interested in counselling but thanks all the same

@thisneverendingsummer

I am a single parent with a small support group. The friends I had before I had my kids... Well, I probably wouldn't plan on leaving my kids with them if something happened. None of them had kids and would have no idea what to do.
Obviously in an emergency, someone would have them but I wouldn't feel great leaving a child with someone who never looked after one before. But you'd do it.

Since having kids, I've made great friends with other mums in groups and then at school and sports clubs etc. Some of them have become close friends, and they absolutely would look after my children.. And I would look after theirs.

My comment was to illustrate that. She doesn't have a network right now. But she knows that. So when she's joining mum groups, or taking her kids to clubs, she will be actually making friends. And some of those friendship will provide her with women who will say "I will take you kid for a night or 2".

She has no network RIGHT NOW. But if she actively tries, then she could easily have one after having the child.

If it's your only chance to have a child milk I'd go for it and work out the logistics later. As you seem to have a good job at the moment, I'm sure you can work something out in the future, even if you have to set up as a consultant or similar. Too much negative vibes on this thread imo but sometimes you've got to take risks to move on. Good luck whatever you decide

Obviously not actually retire

I think a lot of PP are missing this bit of the post. You're not actually talking about retirement but you understand that you're (probably) never going to make good money again.

I don't think you should wait until 42 - at 39 I'd be TTC now (with whatever help you need).

You should get mat pay for nine months at least, and then with your calculations you have a minimum of £500 per month with no mortgage. I think that's doable for a few years. It might be a culture shock after 45K pa though.

I'd say you do need to plan on bringing in some kind of extra income. As a PP suggests, perhaps you could downsize to a smaller rental property and rent out your existing home for a couple of years. Once your child starts nursery and school you should be able to pick up some part time or consultancy work, especially assuming that you have good qualifications and experience. It might not be what you're used to but it will be something.

I'd TTC (and start saving like crazy) now.

yes short term fostering because you are ill would be traumatising for any child. Imagine a young child, anxious and confused because their mum is ill, having go to complete strangers, anywhere in the country. The fostering situation is this country is dire. I am hoping to foster a child known to me, when his foster placement broke down it was literally a case of where is there a bed. He was moved across three counties in about two weeks.

I've been very lucky with my health, but the last two years I've had two serious bouts of bronchitis and severe chest infections. Fortunately my son is old enough to get his breakfast, get himself to school, stick a ready meal in the oven and get essential supplies from the corner shop. No way could I have looked after a pre schooler or young primary child.

I'm sorry but you really aren't thinking this through. Yes you can be a single parent and make it work, of course you can but you need to give it a lot more thought and planning

I’m assuming you are a nurse or similar.
I have a childminder that takes from 7am.
Many childminders do unsocial hours.
Some do overnights.
I think you are being overly pessimistic to think you can’t find childcare.

I know many forces wives who are nurses who have no family around and they manage with Childminder’s when their OHs are away for 9 months at a time at least.

You won't be allowed to do fertility treatment without counselling and they will encourage you to think through the ramifications of your decision.

No one thinks you're selfish for wanting a child but you do need to think it through. For example, I am insured to the hilt both with critical illness cover and life insurance - I want to know DS will be ok.

I am not saying this is the only way I am just asking that while you are going through the process you have a think about your current expenses, what will increase/decrease, which you can pare back, what you may need to put contingency in for. No one is saying things don't go wrong for everyone but you're not even thinking about it - or you're trying not to.

Milkandcrisps, I agree with you that there a lots of smug posters on here with their perfect lives who really don't understand what you're saying. It really is possible to be 'poor' and raise a child successfully - and you don't seem to be particularly poor from what you've said.

I did not expect to become a single parent, but it happened and I've managed. And you would too. When the time comes you will do anything to help your child so you will find freelance/ part-time work, someone to swop babysitting with etc.