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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my mum to go home

140 replies

ichangedmyusername · 06/10/2018 09:03

My mum is currently staying with me, she smokes 8-10 fags a day. Admittedly she goes outside but the smell is just transferring around into the living room and I have 3 young children, the youngest being 8 weeks. She doesn't wash her hands before trying to hold her after smoking and it's just getting annoying now. Not only that she's rifling through my cupboards, complaining that I don't have any coffee for her Angry wibu to just ask her to go?

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 06/10/2018 09:33

Why is she staying with you? How long was the visit meant to be?

YANBU at all about the smoking.

Yewnicorn · 06/10/2018 09:38

Yes, you would be unreasonable to ask her to leave.
As much as you disagree with her habits, imagine being told you smell so bad even your daughter doesn’t want you around.
I’d feel really hurt as I’m sure you would. I know it’s self inflicted smell but if she wanted to quit she would.
I don’t think it’s worth ruining your relationship or hurting your mum.

Holidayshopping · 06/10/2018 09:39

Why is she staying with you and how long for?

GMtoBe · 06/10/2018 09:42

YANBU to tell her to wash her hands, change her clothes and wait 15 minutes after a cigarette before holding your baby. That's not insulting her, that's protecting your child.

It's your house. If you want her to leave, tell her.

Original poster
ichangedmyusername · 06/10/2018 09:53

She's staying with me because her cat got put to sleep.
That's the kettle on for the 5th time this morning without asking Angry
I've also just got my first period since giving birth so maybe I'm just angry altogether

OP posts:
Original poster
ichangedmyusername · 06/10/2018 09:54

She's staying a week, has been here since Thursday

OP posts:
TheDarkPassenger · 06/10/2018 09:54

Hang on, she has to ask to put the kettle on?

Chickychoccyegg · 06/10/2018 09:54

surely you don't expect her to ask to put the kettle on if she's staying with you though?

mimibunz · 06/10/2018 09:56

She has to ask permission to put the kettle on?

AfterSchoolWorry · 06/10/2018 09:56

Her cat got put to sleep? Confused

I don't understand?

BIgBagofJelly · 06/10/2018 09:57

I think it's weird you expect her to ask permission to make a cup of coffee but it's fine to ask her to wash her hands and change clothes before handling the baby for the health of your child.

HellenaHandbasket · 06/10/2018 09:58

Smoking etc, fine to get annoyed with. But I wouldn't expect her to ask to put the kettle on?! 😂

stripeszebra · 06/10/2018 09:58

Your mum is addicted to coffee and fags. That aint going to change for a while.
Can you send her out to do some shopping?

Holidayshopping · 06/10/2018 10:00

What has her cat got to do with anything? Is she sad and you invited her to cheer her up?

Does she need to ask permission to put the kettle on?

Chocolatecake12 · 06/10/2018 10:01

Oh gosh! Well firstly I’d ask her to wash her hands every time she has a cigarette regardless of whether she’s about to hold the baby.
It’s only been 2 nights- can you put up with her habits for another 5 or rather than asking her to leave immediately could you cut short her visit until maybe Tuesday as your going to be out all day Wednesday aren’t you??
Get her some coffee - that’s just basic politeness if you have guests. Is she putting the kettle on and just making herself a drink or asking others if they want one too?
Go out for a walk with her and the kids. Can you arrange any other activities that you can all do together?

Original poster
ichangedmyusername · 06/10/2018 10:01

No not every time but just a "is it okay for a cuppa, dya want one too" kind of way

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yellowspottedwellies · 06/10/2018 10:04

I can't imagine ever expecting my mum to ask if she could pop the kettle on....
I think your hormones are affecting your judgement at the mo OP - the first period I had after birth sent me almost mental lol!
Give yourself a few moments to breathe when you feel cross and remind yourself that she's your mum and she loves you xxxx

Original poster
ichangedmyusername · 06/10/2018 10:04

Frankly I don't have the energy to o shopping, I've barely left the bathroom/couch as my bleeding is extremely heavy. I didn't invite her, she turned up with her stuff and by the time I tried to say no sorry my son was happy to have nan here

OP posts:
Yoksha · 06/10/2018 10:06

Could you not send her out?, and treat her to a jar of her favourite coffee. Specify that you're not bothered about how much coffee she consumes, but must insist that she washes her hands after each fag. My mum was very very difficult and smoked, but she'd have no problem with the hand washing request.

cantfindname · 06/10/2018 10:07

I can sympathise about the smoking but barring that I think you are being very harsh.

InspectorIkmen · 06/10/2018 10:08

Your own mother has to ask permission to make a cup of tea? Bloody hell. Did you ask every time you wanted a cup of tea all the years she was raising you? Did you ask permission for every single sandwich you made or biscuit you ate?

Original poster
ichangedmyusername · 06/10/2018 10:11

I don't even drink coffee! Wouldn't have it in my house, why she was expecting it I dunno Confused only drink tea but she's not even offered me one when she's put the kettle on
I probably am being harsh, would hate to think my kids were posting about me putting the kettle on too much but I just want peace, I want to be left alone, I cba entertaining folk.

OP posts:
LaurenMay · 06/10/2018 10:14

@ichangedmyusername YANBU to ask her to wash her hands and change her clothes, I work for the NHS and I smoke so every time I smoke i change out of my uniform and wash my hands before having any contact with patients again.
3rd hand smoke is very dangerous especially to children. This article has more information www.smokefree.hk/en/content/web.do?page=ThirdhandSmoking

Show this to your mum and I'm sure she'll be more than happy to make these little changes to keep her grandchildren safe.

averylongtimeago · 06/10/2018 10:14

I think you are being very unreasonable. I get that you are feeling ill and tired but this is your mum.
She shouldn't have to ask to make a drink ffs!
Yes ask her to wash her hands, but that's it.
So- send her shopping, ask her to cook some dinners to stick your freezer, could she work through your ironing pile, take baby for a walk in the pram while you have a sleep?
If she is upset about her cat, then helping you will make you both feel better.

Original poster
ichangedmyusername · 06/10/2018 10:15

I already said she doesn't have to ask constantly but even offer to make me one too would be nice.
I don't have the best relationship with my Mum and I'm harbouring resentment from when my dd was born as I was in a critical way after c section and my partner was at home with our 2 kids. I begged her to help us so I could have him with me (thought I was dying) she said no as she'd just made a sponge cake and wanted to sit and eat it.
Drip feed I know! I just thought about why I was feeling so angry Blush

OP posts: