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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my mum to go home

140 replies

ichangedmyusername · 06/10/2018 09:03

My mum is currently staying with me, she smokes 8-10 fags a day. Admittedly she goes outside but the smell is just transferring around into the living room and I have 3 young children, the youngest being 8 weeks. She doesn't wash her hands before trying to hold her after smoking and it's just getting annoying now. Not only that she's rifling through my cupboards, complaining that I don't have any coffee for her wibu to just ask her to go?

OP posts:

fairypuff · 06/10/2018 12:56

YADNBU. Cannot understand the posters defending the DM here. She sounds like a horror. Hope you feel better soon OP.

mickeyanonymouse · 06/10/2018 13:00

What fairypuff said..... and for you OP

Bluearsedfly36 · 06/10/2018 13:03

I too would tell her to leave, I had a c section with my fourth and I was recovering fine. I still wouldn't be up for entertaining an uninvited guest. Put yourself first xx

CareFactor · 06/10/2018 13:04

YANBU! I’d ask her to go. You need to concentrate on looking after the baby and yourself and it’s sounds like she’s causing you unnecessary stress.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/10/2018 13:11

ichangedmyusername, go home, speak to your DP who is already there, and together tell your mother she needs to go home. Don't worry about how she responds to this order, it really doesn't sound as if you have a relationship with her that is worth a damn.

You are in no condition to have guests, particularly not one who is spectacularly self-absorbed. My jaw dropped that she prioritised eating a cake over looking after your eldest 2 so that your DP could come to the hospital when you were so unwell.

Gigglebrain · 06/10/2018 13:14

@CHERRYPAVLOVA AND LALALA2018 - are you for real!! READ the full thread for goodness sake.

OP. YANBU at all! You need to tell her to go home, she sounds really selfish, and it’s very unhealthy for your Dcs, you need to put yourself and them before your mother.
Sending you a hug.

theWarOnPeace · 06/10/2018 13:16

YANBU at all! I think people that carry on like this when someone has a new baby are seriously selfish and self-centred. I have experienced similar with my own mum and the relationship is similarly strained for all those reasons, I find the selfishness unforgivable - and againsame scenario with having little ones at home and being laid up after traumatic birth. “Oh sorry can’t help, I’m having tea with my mate that I see x10000 times a week”, it’s that kind of thing and then turning up demanding to be fed and watered and huffing about if we’re not hosting even during the most challenging and stressful of times. It’s so frustrating, and as for Pp saying it’s obky a period, only injections etc. are you serious?! Ffs my periods at the best of times are awful, but first period post-baby I was basically incapacitated for a week. The OP feels like shit, that’s the long and the short of it. She doesn’t need all this selfishness bringing her down. I would have to lay it out to her, “listen, I just can’t have ANYONE AT ALL smoking and then coming near my baby. Ever. Please change your top and wash your hands and wait x amount of use before holding” it causes SIDS and is frankly, fucking gross. I’d also say “also, I am feeling terrible, extremely unwell and week, I’d really appreciate if you’d help out with the kids a bit while you’re here and make tea and stuff while I’m nursing the baby”. My mum is super selfish, but if you ask her directly she is embarrassed to point-blank refuse, I’ve learned this along the way. Maybe try with your mum and also she then can’t use the bullshit excuse of ‘oh you didn’t ask though!’ that selfish people often pull out when you’ve had enough and lose it with them.

Gemini69 · 06/10/2018 13:25

Ask her to GO Home OP...

MumW · 06/10/2018 13:33

I know it's not that simple but just tell her to go.

If she asks why just tell her you and your family need space and you're so knackered that you need peace and can't be doing with entertaining any longer.
Get DH onboard first and present a united front. Stay strong.

whydoistayupsolate · 06/10/2018 13:35

Yanbu. Tell her to go. No way in hell would I have a smoker touching my tiny baby after smoking. Yuck.

AfterSchoolWorry · 06/10/2018 13:39

Throw her out.

Awful woman.

Original poster

ichangedmyusername · 06/10/2018 13:42

I feel awful asking her to go, She's quite upset. I know she's not meaning to be annoying but I'm just not in the mood for anything atm

OP posts:

VforVienetta · 06/10/2018 13:49

Would your DH do it for you? As long as you back him up, perhaps he'll find it easier emotionally

EK36 · 06/10/2018 14:05

I don't agree with the majority here. I think if my mum didn't bother with me (e.g. her last visit back in January and refusing to look after grandson, so my husband can be with me in the hospital.) Then sorry she doesn't get a week's holiday at mine complaining, not helping and giving us all second hand smoke. Tell her you're "really sorry but don't feel well enough for guests, so she needs to go home tomorrow."

Sequencedress · 06/10/2018 14:49

Oh love, if you were my daughter I’d have put you to bed, brought you the baby for feeds, brought you meals/endless cuppas, and told you to get some rest while DH and I looked after the eldest, and sorted the house.
You need rest and TLC, not someone hanging round the house making life difficult. You’re worried about upsetting her, but she’s not worried about upsetting you. Ask DH to tell her if you don’t feel up to it, but send her home. Just think, you could have the house to you’re self by tonight if you do it now. Take care of yourself, she won’t do it

Cupoteap · 06/10/2018 14:53

Get dh to chuck her out before you get back

Sequencedress · 06/10/2018 14:53

And I certainly wouldn't be bitching about coffee or juice!! Selfish people get away with a lot because the rest of us are too polite to call them out. Don’t be. You don’t have to fight, but don’t let her use the upset against you. Why is her upset more important than your poor physical health?

Sequencedress · 06/10/2018 14:54

Yourself even!

CharlotteWebb · 06/10/2018 14:55

If it's just a week, I'd let it go hun

TemptressofWaikiki · 06/10/2018 14:57

Please OP, ask her to leave. She has the hide of a rhino and more front than Blackpool! She is not sensitive at all.

Charlie97 · 06/10/2018 15:18

@ichangedmyusername I posted before your update that she was last with you in jan 2017. When you said you didn't want to send her away I presumed that it was a regular relationship!

I see now why you don't want her there but in fairness it was a massive drip feed.

I hope you feel better soon!

HeebieJeebies456 · 06/10/2018 15:40

She's staying with me because her cat got put to sleep

i doubt that's the reason she's rocked up unannounced.....more like she just wants to be the centre of attention and have round-the-clock access to your newborn.

she was last at my house in January 2017
so the first time she chooses to visit she decides to invite herself to stay, makes no effort with your other dc, expects everyone and everything to revolve around her and clearly doesn't give two shits about helping you in any way.

tell her to go home, she's taking the piss

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/10/2018 18:52

"I know she's not meaning to be annoying"
She's also not meaning to be helpful. Or nice. Or, anything really. That she could be being annoying (and personally I think she's way beyond 'annoying') is simply not on her radar. Far too self-absorbed to consider that anyone else is entitled to an opinion about her.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/10/2018 19:01

I'd give her a list of chores to be done and tell her it will help her get her mind off of her loss.

Losing a beloved pet can be really hard so I understand her not wanting to be alone, but not to the extent it disrupts your home!

Original poster

ichangedmyusername · 06/10/2018 20:18

Well I spoke to her, she's staying tonight and will go home tomorrow as she's thinking of returning to work on Monday because she's been off since Thursday.
I know I did drip feed wasn't my intention but I probably should have said from the start we don't have the best relationship, combined with how I feel atm I was just struggling.
To the pp who said it's just a period aye it may be to you but flooding a pad every half hour when I've not had a period in almost a year is enough to make me feel dizzy, tired and frankly just want to curl into a ball.
As for why I didn't say no, I was just stunned and by the time I processed what she had said she was in the door and putting her shoes and jacket away etc

OP posts:

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