To ask my mum to go home

[ichangedmyusername]

My mum is currently staying with me, she smokes 8-10 fags a day. Admittedly she goes outside but the smell is just transferring around into the living room and I have 3 young children, the youngest being 8 weeks. She doesn't wash her hands before trying to hold her after smoking and it's just getting annoying now. Not only that she's rifling through my cupboards, complaining that I don't have any coffee for her wibu to just ask her to go?

[Crankywitch]

Ah you're last post says it all. You're just not up to guests. If you were me this would all end with a huge fight, I hope you don't go down that road. I wonder could you ask, nicely, if she could go home early?

[ichangedmyusername]

I'm still on medication to help my scar, on twice daily injections as I got a blood clot and now my period I just feel like shit and run down.
Will take my mum out today and hopefully find her a nice jar of coffee and maybe even a cake 👍

[MrsJayy]

So your mother turns up at your house invites herself to stay, for a week send her to the shops for coffee and any other things you need and send her home. I can't comment on her smoking i smoked for decades and it is a selfish disgusting habit.

[crimsonlake]

DM problems, DMIL problems. I think the issue is no matter what she does whilst visiting you, you would find fault with due to the way you are feeling. I think you need to motivate yourself, shower etc and get out of the house in to the fresh air. Try and give your mum specific tasks, run errands etc, try to avoid sitting down and stagnating with her and go upstairs to have a rest asking her to watch the children.

[boolala12]

assuming your mum is feeling a bit sad and alone after having lost her cat. she knows you've not long given birth so perhaps thought you could both help each other and cheer each other up, i don't know. you must have said yes to her staying?

agree with the smoking thing as she's your baby but def try to lighten up with the rest. go out, like you say, have a coffee and a cake, try to relax and just enjoy each other? if you can.

[dementedpixie]

So she's turned up unannounced and is then putting you out after showing no interest in you in the past? Just say you want to be in your own and that she can't stay for a full week

[OrdinarySnowflake]

YANBU - you didn't invite her, you don't want guests and she's driving you crazy. Tell her you love her very much but need some time to recover without guests.

[Holidayshopping]

You clearly don’t have a brilliant relationship. Why did you think spending a week together would be good idea. You should either not have invited her or have said no when she asked.

[dementedpixie]

She didn't invite her, she invited herself and turned up at the door

[HenryInTheTunnel]

Yanbu. The smoking would really annoy me. As you have an 8 week old baby i would be expecting her at least to look after herself and preferably be helping out with you and your DC and that would include buying some coffee rather than whinging at you for it

[pumpkinpie01]

Apart from drinking copious amounts of coffee and smoking is she actually helping in any way ? Entertaining the kids ? Making breakfast ?

[ChaosMoon]

She needs to stop holding your baby. 3rd hand smoke is one of the major risk factors for SIDS. There are still dangerous particles clinging to skin and hair even when the smell is gone, so washing her hands is going to make bugger all difference to the danger she's putting them in. TBH, even changing her clothes won't really cut it if she has long hair. She needs to shower.

No smoker will ever hold my baby. Some people will think that's too fast but I work in this field and I know how dangerous it is.

[DaphneduM]

These posts on Mumsnet make we feel very sad - so many unhappy women warring with each other, usually over fairly petty issues. (I can understand about the smoking though). Life is short - it's a shame people can't be more tolerant of each other. Think about it, this is the woman who, for whatever her perceived faults, gave birth to you and nurtured you to adulthood. Fast forward 25 years, how would you feel if your children treat you the same?

[CherryPavlova]

I think you’re not feeling brilliant but exaggerating slightly as twice daily injections whilst unpleasant don’t actually make you feel awful and it is just a period but all the niggles and a tiny baby added together might have made you feel a bit sorry for yourself.

You are not being a gracious host - you must have known your mother drinks coffee so why would you not get some in? Why would she need to ask to put the kettle on? Knowing you drink it why would she offer you one?

Smoking is vile. Absolutely disgusting and the smell is horrid but it’s only for a few days. Lots of lovely open windows and a frank conversation done nicely saying you find the smell of cigarettes hard to tolerate so would she please wash her hands post smoking.

Your baby isn’t going to suffer any harm from being held by someone that smoked away from them for a few days. It’s not even passive smoking and whilst ghastly, the risk is being magnified disproportionately.

A nice day, buying coffee, walking around a park, lunch out might make you both feel better. Be kind to her.

[MaryandMichael]

Tell her she has to leave as the smoking puts your baby at risk.
Be firm.

[RB68]

CHill out. You need to deal with the whole smoking thing, just say rules change and now this is what you need to do before handling a child or children and you need to keep the smell out of the house as much as possible, make sure she has somewhere in the garden away from the house - set up a brolly with a chair or something if you can esp as raining etc. Tell her to have a specific smoking coat that can live in a shed or lobby to "air" and wash her hands every time she comes in.

I would expect Mum to put the kettle on and make tea/coffee and keep me supplied as well. Give her a 10 er to go and get a pot of coffee and a nice hand soap that she likes to use and or a bit of handcream if it can stretch that far. Give her a hug and tell her you love her and apologise for being grumpy with post natal hormonal PMT.

[foggydown]

Your mum invited herself to stay for a week with no notice, is complaining you don't have coffee which you don't drink and after smoking isn't even washing her hands before holding your baby?
Please tell me she is cleaning/looking after older kids/cooking or something?
From your updates she seems self centered and horrible.
Just because she is your mum doesn't mean she gets to be a cunt.
Please tell her to leave for your own sanity, you really shouldn't have to put up with this.

[MrsJayy]

I don't understand some posters telling the op it is just a period or an injection and to pull herself together and host her mother like a good girl 😕

[Nanny0gg]

Don't you have coffee in for visitors?

Otherwise, on the whole, YANBU.

[ichangedmyusername]

Why wouldn't I buy her coffee? Maybe because she turned up unannounced, without a warning. I haven't been out to the shops.
No she's not helping with my other kids, she did offer to take the baby out but because I've only got a double pram she said no as she felt silly pushing it with the o4her half being empty

[ichangedmyusername]

We don't have visitors lol
Maybe cos I'm an arse it seems

[Darkestnight]

You don't drink coffee but when your mum makes coffee ofc she won't ask you if you want one as you don't drink coffee....

[aaaaargghhhhelpme]

Hang on. She invited herself after you’ve just had a baby. She’s not helping. In fact she’s moaning about you not having stuff she wants (despite you not knowing she would turn up unannounced). She holds your baby without washing her hands after smoking. You’re still ill post birth () and she can’t even arsed to make you a cup of tea?

If this was a Mil people would be telling you to send her packing. It sounds exhausting even without the post-baby stress.

Hope you feel better soon

[dementedpixie]

She could offer a cup of tea though if she was making coffee.

[aaaaargghhhhelpme]

Darkest night - I’m assumjng the op drinks tea. The mum is putting the kettle on to make I presume instant coffee. She could easily put more water in and make her post-birth daughter a cup of tea.