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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my mum to go home

140 replies

ichangedmyusername · 06/10/2018 09:03

My mum is currently staying with me, she smokes 8-10 fags a day. Admittedly she goes outside but the smell is just transferring around into the living room and I have 3 young children, the youngest being 8 weeks. She doesn't wash her hands before trying to hold her after smoking and it's just getting annoying now. Not only that she's rifling through my cupboards, complaining that I don't have any coffee for her Angry wibu to just ask her to go?

OP posts:
CowesTwo · 06/10/2018 10:56

Can you not say, ‘make me a cup of tea while you’re there, mum?’ She sounds very annoying re not helping as she wanted to eat the cake, not pushing a double buggy etc. She’s draining you at a time you need help and support. I expect she turned up hoping YOU would support HER after the cat’s demise, but it’s clearly the wrong time. I would say, ‘d’you know what mum, i’m really not up to having guests/visitors, i’d Like a bit of help if you’re planning to stay much lo ger’.

Whereismumhiding2 · 06/10/2018 10:57

@ichangedmyusername
Ask yourself if you want her to be there? Or are you finding it too much? You've just had a baby and you don't have to host uninvited guests for a week that are more hassle. She's stayed 2 days already.
So if you don't want her there why not just say that politely "Mum, I'm not up for visitors and it's stressing me when I've just had a baby. All you're doing is smoking and drinking coffee and I feel pressured as I do everything else plus looking after a guest. I don't like the smell of smoke anywhere near my baby so can you at least wash your hands afterwards. But I think it's time for you to go home today. It's been nice seeing you. "

Bluesmartiesarebest · 06/10/2018 10:58

Op, YANBU. Your Mum isn’t helping, you don’t feel well and she’s smoking then not washing her hands around a newborn baby.

What would happen if you asked her to hoover, cook a meal or do the shopping? If she won’t help out she needs to leave as she’s just being a burden to you when you need support. Have you told her you feel ill?

Original poster
ichangedmyusername · 06/10/2018 11:20

She's not making coffee as I don't have any in, that's what she was complaining about, she's making tea fo4 herself

OP posts:
newhousenewstart · 06/10/2018 11:29

I'd suggest you speak adult to adult with your DM. Explain that it's lovely to see her, you're really sorry that her cat's died. However, you're completely exhausted and, although you love her, explain that you've got other plans from Monday. Neither of you are feeling your best, adult child and parent relationships often get tricky. The child will often expect the parent to continue to do the 'looking after'. When the roles reverse ( your Mum is needy at the moment) things can get blown out of proportion. You having no coffee is no big deal, her smoking then handling a young baby is a big deal but can be spoken about maturely without falling out. Her putting the kettle on without offering you a drink is just plain thoughtless and actually quite rude, you must be exhausted. So, adult to adult, say what I'm assuming you would say to a friend who did the same thing ' Hey, can you make me a cup of tea please' Simple. I think you both need to have a little compassion and tolerance for each other ( but get her out in a couple of days!)

Lipsticktraces · 06/10/2018 11:31

God, can people not read properly or something?

The DM has turned up uninvited and is moaning at and refusing to help her post partum, unwell DD. OP had also said upthread that DM refused to help out in past when OP was in hospital.

Bugger taking her out for cake and coffee OP. Tell her to bugger off! Hope you feel better soonFlowers

LaurenMay · 06/10/2018 12:03

@CherryPavlova I think your being very rude and ignorant actually. You have no idea how @ichangedmyusername is feeling. Those twice daily injections can actually make you feel awful and under the weather especially with AF being increased as a result, having a baby only a few weeks ago and having a blood clot.
She doesn't have to be a gracious host as her mother was not invited, she invited herself. Again why would she have gotten coffee in if she didn't invite her mother? And if you're making yourself a drink it's always appreciated to offer someone else one especially if her mother is taking the liberty to make herself one when it's not her home. Her mother isn't contributing around the house or with taking care of the children. She's there to be taken care of when her daughter already seems to have a lot on her plate.
The smell off the smoke isn't the issues it's the 4000 chemicals in it with over 50 of them being known carcinogens (cancer causing). The toxic chemicals in third hand smoke usually are: hydrocyanic acid (which is used in chemical weapons), butane (lighter fluid), toluene (paint thinner), arsenic, lead, carbon monoxide and polonium-210 which is a highly radioactive carcinogen.
These chemicals cling to clothing, skin and hair.
You obviously have no idea what damage that could do to her baby but here are some of the dangers for 3rd hand smoke only: cognitive deficits, risk of lung cancer increased by 25%, pulmonary diseases, respiratory diseases, asthma , stunted growth and even middle ear infections and that's just in children.
I think her feeling should be taken into account and not guesstimated by you. I don't think she is "feeling sorry for herself", I think @ichangedmyusername is making very valid points about being respected in her own home and her children's welfare. Yes, be kind but it has to go both ways.

Zoflorabore · 06/10/2018 12:05

I don't drink coffee either but I always make sure we have some in as lots of other people do like it.

I would hate anyone staying for a week!

ChaosMoon · 06/10/2018 12:05

What @LaurenMay said.

Charlie97 · 06/10/2018 12:08

God it would drive me mad to be asked if someone could put the kettle on!

YABU

Charlie97 · 06/10/2018 12:09

You wouldn't have coffee in your house even though your mum drinks it?

It's coffee not crack cocaine!

fuzzywuzzy · 06/10/2018 12:16

When I make myself a hot drink I always offer DP. Doesn’t take much work to add pour boiling water into an extra mug.

Tell your mum to go, you need rest, she’s causing stress. And I would not have her anywhere near my newborn if she was smoking, smoke clings to clothing and hair and you can smell a smoker even if they haven’t had a cigarette recently.

OP also if your bleeding very heavily you may want to get your iron levels checked, low iron also makes you feel awful.

GoldenMcOldie · 06/10/2018 12:16

Get your mum some instant coffee. Make her a cuppa and give her a hug.

Then tell her how you are feeling, ask for some help and that she wash her hands.
Try to be reasonable and calm.

Don't send her home but don't invite her again.

fuzzywuzzy · 06/10/2018 12:18

Before I got together with DP (who mainlines coffee) I didn’t drink coffee and never had it in the house, I’d have an old jar knocking round maybe where the coffee would have set into one lump it was that old.

It’s not unusual to not have coffee in the house if nobody drinks it.

My friend never used to have sugar in the house as she never took sugar in her drinks. Was normal for her.

Lipsticktraces · 06/10/2018 12:21

She’s asked for help. The DM has refused to help her!!!! Also wtf would she have coffee in if she doesn’t drink it?

OMG this thread. If the OP was feeling poorly before she must be feeling even worse after reading this!

Lipsticktraces · 06/10/2018 12:22

Also, she didn’t invite her mother. She’s turned up unannounced expecting to be nurtured for a week because her cat has died. Bugger the fact her DD is eight weeks postpartum and illConfused

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 06/10/2018 12:23

Jesus. I don’t drink coffee. And I imagine having just had a baby and having twice daily injections after complications getting in coffee for an uninvited visitor would be the least of my fucking worries.

Any sane person wouldn’t be moaning at the lack of coffee. They’d be helping the post partum mum.

maxthemartian · 06/10/2018 12:23

Don't send her home but don't invite her again
I don't think she invited her this time!

Original poster
ichangedmyusername · 06/10/2018 12:25

People love to fixate on having no coffee in 😂 considering she was last at my house in January 2017, no I don't see why I should have it. My mum would tell me to piss off if I told her to keep a certain brand of tea in for me on the off chance I was to pop inHmm

OP posts:
Original poster
ichangedmyusername · 06/10/2018 12:27

Yeah I suffer from low iron, I had 3 blood transfusions after giving birth, so losing more is making me feel worse

OP posts:
Original poster
ichangedmyusername · 06/10/2018 12:32

I did offer to take her out to a supermarket but she's said no, she effed about me not being able to drive yet (still don't feel up to it) and then complained about having to walk so no, clearly she does not want to do anything. I've taken my eldest out as I needed to get out.
My partner is off work and is with the girls, he's just text to say my mum's complaining that we don't have any juice she likes Hmm I'm dreading going home

OP posts:
babbscrabbs · 06/10/2018 12:33

OP in your original posts I thought it was weird that you were getting annoyed about her putting the kettle on.

But having read the rest YANBU at all. It's clear your annoyance actually stems from longer-term issues. She sounds very selfish.

She's not helping you and you've got enough on your plate. Find a way to tell her, kindly, to fuck off.

babbscrabbs · 06/10/2018 12:35

Just tell her you're not well enough to have guests at the moment. Even better, get your DP to do it while you're out. Does he drive? Could he take her home? xx

MrsJayy · 06/10/2018 12:35

I would send her home you are not going to manage till next thursday she needs telling

madeoficecream · 06/10/2018 12:36

Im in the same situation with my chain smoking mother..... sadly her mum has just died and she lives in Italy but her mum lived here.... so she is staying in my house so she can sort the funeral etc
Shes been her 3 weeks so far.
She smokes right by the door so all the smoke blows back in the house. My house reeks.
I have a 3yo and a 2 month old.
It is driving me a bit mad but I cant do anything as it really would be unreasonable to ask her to leave given the situation.
I just wanted to say that I feel your pain!!
Ive had my health visitor here talking about the SIDS risks and yet I sort of have to blank that out in order not to do wrong by my own mother.