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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my mum to go home

140 replies

ichangedmyusername · 06/10/2018 09:03

My mum is currently staying with me, she smokes 8-10 fags a day. Admittedly she goes outside but the smell is just transferring around into the living room and I have 3 young children, the youngest being 8 weeks. She doesn't wash her hands before trying to hold her after smoking and it's just getting annoying now. Not only that she's rifling through my cupboards, complaining that I don't have any coffee for her Angry wibu to just ask her to go?

OP posts:
BlessYour2Sizes2SmallHeart · 06/10/2018 12:37

She wouldn't watch your two kids while you were in the hospital so your husband could be with you...because she'd just made a cake. Confused

No wonder you don't want her there.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 06/10/2018 12:37

Glad your partner is about. I’d get together with him. Form a United front and tell her now is not a good time. She has to go home.

Grandparents often stay when a baby is born to help out. But she’s not helping. She’s being a dick. She’s giving you extra stress. Look after yourself and your family. She is being unbelievably selfish imposing like this.

Lalala2018 · 06/10/2018 12:39

Hormones or not, you are a nightmare child OP. I don't get on with my mum either and she constantly mithers me, but the level of respect you seem to have for your mum is shocking. Send her home for her own good.

Everyoneiswingingit · 06/10/2018 12:39

YABU about the kettle imo. It's your mum!! I wouldn't like the smoking thing but I think I would just have stated what you expect at the start i.e can you not hold baby straight after a fag when you and your clothes will be very smoky ?
Is she helping you in other ways with baby and around the house, shopping etc?

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 06/10/2018 12:41

Everyoneiswingingit - try reading the ops posts. No she’s not helping. At all. Honestly you’re defending the mum making herself a fucking tea but not making one for her sick post partum daughter?

PastaOfMuppets · 06/10/2018 12:43

😂😂😂 @Lalala2018 you must be joking!!!

TotHappy · 06/10/2018 12:44

Sorry haven't read the full thread, but are you on blood thinners because of your clot? This could be why your periods so heavy. Did you get any advice when the injections were prescribed?

Everyoneiswingingit · 06/10/2018 12:45

Yes just caught up. Not defending mum. Don't think she should have to get permission to make a hot drink but do think she sounds rude now I've read the thread. It's common courtesy to not just turn up ay someone's house without invitation and expect to stay , especially when you have your hands full. I'd ask her to leave, Cat being put to sleep is not a good enough reason imo.

MortyVicar · 06/10/2018 12:46

LaLa for goodness sake have the courtesy to read the all OP's posts before you start calling her a nightmare child. It's the mother who's the nightmare.

OP please stand up to her and tell her to go. If you're not up to it, get DP to do it, but make it clear that you agree with him and that he's doing this on your behalf. A cake is more important than a daughter who is very very seriously ill, but when her cat dies she turns up uninvited and demands that you dedicate your life for the next week to pandering to her every whim - sod that.

She goes - and don't feel the slightest twinge of guilt.

Everyoneiswingingit · 06/10/2018 12:47

Please post all info in first post!!!

VforVienetta · 06/10/2018 12:48

There are some very odd responses on this thread.

Would you go stay at someone's house unnannounced when they have a newborn, and are ill and hormonal?
Would you constantly make yourself cups of tea, never offering your host one?
Would you constantly complain that they didn't have your favourite things in, even tho you were an unexpected guest, and haven't bothered to go out and get anything for yourself?
Would you be a massive inconvenience and not lift a finger to help your DD, who is feeling like crap?

If instead of saying "she should have asked before putting the kettle on" she had said "I wish she'd offer to make me a tea when she's doing one for herself" would you still be blaming the daughter for being inhospitable?

SerenDippyEggs · 06/10/2018 12:48

Are you lot serious?! The world's going mad.

Reading all your updates OP, YADNBUThanks if she wouldn't help you at your lowest point because she wanted to sit and eat a sponge cake, why would you be darting to the shops to get some coffee for her when you feel so shit? She can go and get her own bloody coffee and washing your hands isn't a hard task! Hope you feel better soon. I'd politely say to her after the weekend please may she go home as you're a bit overwhelmed. Thanks

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 06/10/2018 12:49

Everyoneiswingingit - I read it as the op was upset her mother was making herself tea without offering to make her one too. Not that she needed permission to use the kettle. Which seems outrageously rude. When I was post partum and ill I’d have loved someone to make me a tea. You’d think as her mother that’s the fucking least she could do.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 06/10/2018 12:49

She’s no ‘mother’. Get your partner to send her home, she doesn’t warrant you being stressed or your kids being exposed to her smoke.

🌷 you deserve better than than way she treats you, stop tolerating it.

Allfednonedead · 06/10/2018 12:49

Do you want me to come round and tell her to go home? I’ll make you some tea and take the older kids out for a play so your DH can get the laundry on and sit with you and the baby for a bit.

Your DM sounds pretty awful (sorry) and after the time you’ve had, it’s not surprising you don’t feel strong enough to tell her to get lost.

That’s a serious off if you’re in London. Otherwise, just take it as a sign that YANBU.

Allfednonedead · 06/10/2018 12:49

Aargh! Serious OFFER.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 06/10/2018 12:50

I feel very sorry for you, OP. You aren’t feeling well, you have a new baby and you’re having to cope with an unannounced visit from an unhelpful guest. I think it’s perfectly fine to say to your own mother that you’re exhausted and struggling and therefore you’d appreciate it if she went home and come back another time when you’re both up to it. And before she come again explain that your house and garden are no smoking areas from now on.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 06/10/2018 12:51

Everyoneiswingingit - you’re seriously blaming the op for not posting everything in the first post?! She’s just had a fucking baby and three blood transfusions and is having twice daily injections. Why don’t you try not blaming her and reading all the ops posts!

What fucking planet are people on today.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 06/10/2018 12:51

*came, not come

ohfourfoxache · 06/10/2018 12:52

You need to get her to leave. Immediately.

Wingingit at least have the courtesy of reading op’s posts and stop complaining that you can’t just get the information you want from the first post. This is someone’s life, you don’t have to post Hmm

Sera22 · 06/10/2018 12:53

If you'd invited her to stay and/or you were pretty close, then you'd be a bit unreasonable to be moaning about her using the kettle and to not have provided coffee for her, and she'd be unreasonable to be holding the baby without washing her hands after smoking and not doing anything to help you out. And you'd need a sensible conversation to try to resolve it.

But as you didn't invite her, she doesn't usually visit much, and you don't really get on, she's been seriously unreasonable to turn up in the first place and more so to then be expected to be treated like an invited guest. In the circumstances, I'd be pretty blunt about asking her to leave.

ohtheholidays · 06/10/2018 12:53

Right go home ichangedmyusername and get your DH to be at home with you and you both tell her that she needs to leave now!

Tell her the midwife/your Dr/Health visitor whoever has said your not well enough to be entertaining guests and you need to be on bedrest immediately!

Your Mum won't know it's a fib,after all you aren't well and it really does sound like you should be resting as much as you can right now.

Having your Mum to stay is different if
A,you've asked them to stay to help you out.
B,they're helping you out and not expecting you to look after them.
C,them being there is positive for you and your family.
D,just incase you missed it the first time You Asked Them To Stay.

Being as none of those apply you have every right to be pissed of with your Mum,the focusing on her putting the kettle on alot is obviously just the straw that broke the camels back!

Also as sad as it is when you lose a beloved pet(and I'm animal mad we have 5 pets)that is nothing compared to the fact that your poor DD has had what sounds like was a very near miss when she was having her child,the Nan's beloved Grandchild!

I hope your feeling much better soon Flowers and congratulations on the birth of your new baby Flowers .

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 06/10/2018 12:54

Please tell her to piss off send her home or text your dp and ask him to do it if you can't face it.

If I thought I was dying and my mum wouldn't come and help me because she wanted to stay home and eat cake, that would be it for me. I'd have no guilt or hesitation in not allowing the selfish bitch to turn up uninvited and stay for a week.

SneakyGremlins · 06/10/2018 12:54

I don't drink tea or coffee so don't have them in.

OP, YANBU.

Sera22 · 06/10/2018 12:54

As an aside, my little brother was born when I was 4. My aunt had just broken up with her husband, came to stay, and was basically chain smoking from the stress. My mum didn't want to upset her more by making a big deal of it but was worried about the effect on the baby. According to family legend, with the subtlety that only a 4 year old can manage, I piped up "Aunty, I don't think you should be smoking near the new baby." And supposedly, she basically gave up on the spot!

Do you have a blunt older child you can utilise?!!

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