To feel jealous (wedding related)

[burningsage]

My brother is getting married in a couple of years. I'm not particularly close to his fiancé, she is quite a bit younger than me and we don't have much in common. She's been pretty bridezilla about her wedding so far (no plus ones for single people like myself, all guests must stay at her chosen hotel, spending a ridiculous amount of money on the day paid for by loans) but that's only my opinion and each to their own.

She is choosing her wedding dress in a few months and my mum has mentioned that she's been invited to go dress shopping along with brides Mum and her 5 sisters. Obviously I'm not invited and didn't expect to be.

I've been single for years, plenty of boyfriends but not a chance I'll be getting engaged in the next decade (if ever) so I suppose it might be my Mum's only chance to do 'wedding dress shopping' but I feel really odd about it? I don't have any sisters. My mum and I haven't always seen eye to eye but she's still my Mum and although I'm not really 'into weddings' I always imagined it would be something we would do.

AIBU to be feeling weirdly jealous about this or am I being ridiculous?

(Expecting to be flamed if I am being silly by the way).

You are allowed to feel jealous! Of course you are. It's a devilishly dull thing to do from experience. Your mum will be bored to tears, quite possibly.
When they are going, get yourself dolled up and go and do something that's really fun. And not all about someone else. Xx xx

Of course you're not being unreasonable. There is no right or wrong about feelings. You feel how you feel. And ... positively you have the self awareness to not spew this sadness on your mum or future SIL. Your checking it out in here... which is very good. This is more to do with how fed up you are with being single... than anything else. If you had a romance on the go you wouldn't be bovvered. May i suggest you ask your future SIL or bro, if your shy, if you can help with something? You'd feel more included then. And.... go on, get dating - it really can be done. There's not even just someone for everyone... there's several... honest. There is a very good chance you wont be single in 2 years time... but your bro's GF might be - we just dont know!

You know you’re being a tiny bit unreasonable but you are posting here rather than kicking off and honestly I think it’s fair enough to feel a bit jealous. Get drunk and f* a groomsman.

I get it. I felt similar when it wasn’t me that gave my mum her first grandchild (even though i’m the youngest of 4, but the only girl) - it’s irrational, but she’s your mum and it does feel like some things are meant specially for you and her. To be honest, this mass outing with a bit of a bridezilla thrown in probably won’t be much fun for her, and should that be in store for you in the future, that will be something entirely different.

Oh OP I totally get it but try not to think of it in that way. Your SIL is doing a lovely thing involving your mum but that totally does not take away from your experience when your time comes - you're your mother's little girl and nothing can top that. In the meantime can you not make a big thing of going with your mum shopping for your outfits for the day?

No, absolutely not unreasonable. (If you had started acting that would be different, but you're not doing that at all.). Why don't you and your Mum make a date to go and do something nice, like a manicure, or a film, or a dance class. Anything you would both enjoy.

GreenTulips

Are you sure you're not me??? The whole wedding fiasco in the last few years has become ridiculous/funny, people getting so het up. OH and I went shopping for a frock, £3-odd, actually £-s-d in those days, job done so we went to the pub.

I didn't get married until I was 39 OP.

I made my wedding dress as DMum died in 1990 and DDad had dementia and was in a nursing home.

The sitting on the kids table is shit. Object to that!

I would utterly hate to take a retinue of seven people with me when wedding dress shopping. I did my shopping all on my own, I didn't want to get pushed into a choice I might later regret.

Your bro and sil are unreasonable to make you sit on the kids' table.

I get how you feel. Be kind to yourself and try and be philosophical

which is why I'm a bit annoyed about the lack of plus one and seating plan - as to me it is plausible (though unlikely) that I could have a boyfriend by then - it's like they are just assuming I won't.

It wouldn't matter if you had a boyfriend at the time or not. No plus ones means single or married partners only. It's partly a matter of cost and partly to have some control over who is there.

Jealousy is an overwhelming emotion. You know that it's wrong, but are powerless to stop it. Your thoughts are irrational though and inviting your mum was a nice thing to do. I'm guessing if you had a boyfriend, then he would have been invited, but it's not unreasonable for them not to include an anonymous plus one when there's no guarantee that you will bring someone. Calm down and try not to take things quite so personally.

The wedding is in two years and they’ve already done the seating plan?!

YANBU how you feel is how you feel. You imagined one day you would go wedding dress shopping with your Mum and it has not happened yet and may not so here is your future SiL doing with your mum what you wanted to do. I only have sons and none of my DiL's have ever invited me along to dress shopping I would be so touched is a future one did. If I did have a DD it would not detract from doing it with her that would be very special.

My brother has told my parents he is 'their only hope' ......because her own daughter couldn't manage to get married

Oh For heavens sake, this makes you seem about 50, you are 30...it is not old!!!

I met DH when I was 30 and 5 mths, had not had much luck with relationships in my 20s. I joined a social group when I moved areas with my job, he was in a related group 30miles away. The 2 groups organised a disco evening ....I nearly didn't go, not really my thing and, knowing him as I do, def not DHs, but we both went, ended up chatting, exchanged numbers, started dating, got married 3yrs later. Celebrate 22nd WA this next Friday. DS born 13 months after wedding, Dd 2.5yrs later.

Why on earth do you feel as if you will never get married at 30??

I have friends of a similar age who met and married after me, have some who met and married much younger, everyone is different. My cousin met her partner around 40 and has just had her first child at 47. Baby's cousins (all her side) range from 15 to 24!

One friend that seemed a dead cert to get married, very bubbly, lots of relationships, including 2 long term, living together, has never married or had the DC she wanted. Very sad for her, although she does now have a long term partner, but too old for kids.

But she went through a very bitchy phase with me when my DC were younger. I am guessing she felt bitter, but not sure why she picked on me, as we have close mutual friends with similar age kids.

It was not nice, she made me feel like shit at the time, nasty comments about my clothes, slagging off our family hols. Her comment when we got a dog "Oh FFS, isn't 2 children enough" 😳

You have years ahead to meet someone, get married and have children. But please don't be jealous and bitter in the meantime. Your DB comment was out of order, but you have no idea what life has in store for him. My DB married first, not a happy marriage by any stretch, and they tragically lost their only child, a young adult, to a sudden death earlier this year.

The truth is you know your not going to get married and you was expecting it will be your mum and you on the 1st brides shopping, Someone else taking this first before your time is killing you. But truth be told its your fault you decided not to get married any time soon, what if something happened to your mum (hopefully not) her dream of going shopping for a wedding dress will never have happened. The fact your mum willing went ahead shows she had this desire waiting for you, but you never came around with your boyfriend/s so she wants to complate her dream with someone else. Which she has a right to do. Be proud someone else has fullfilled your mothers dream and live the way you want to be. Dont bother other people. Be happy for all because everything happens for a reason.

I can sort of see your point of view. I'm eternally single too. My dsis didn't do the whole white wedding thing but I was at her hen doo. My db married after 20+ years of being with someone. She did the big dress but they married in a nice hotel. As I don't live near by I wasn't invited to the hen party. I didn't get a +1 and my dsis gave a reading. Don't misunderstand, I was ecstatic they got married, but envious (not jealous) it wasn't and probably never will be me.

I can understand why you're jealous actually. To be honest, though, any wedding that is so carefully planned two years in advance is not one I would want to be involved in the arranging of! You should be feeling sorry for your mum.alAsk your brother not to sit you on the kids' table. They've got two years to rearrange the seating plan.

As to you always being single - you might want to get some counselling if you actually want a relationship (and of course it's fine not to). It's not normal to believe you're unlovable. I've been there and counselling really helped (and I met my now DH not long after finishing it).

Jeez there are some ridiculously harsh posters off-loading on here!!

You are THIRTY. One of my best friends spent two years OLD and became very disillusioned. She then got involved in organising an annual street party in her (London) community and met a lovely man who she's still with five years later - she's 55!

I can understand why you feel jealous - it's probably because you feel your DB and DM have maybe written you off relationship-wise. Well I'll bet you'll show them otherwise in a few years time!

Just keep reminding yourself that you are SO YOUNG still!! Good luck (and stop worrying about this silly wedding!).

I think you can be jealous but not competitive.
Op has admitted she is a bit jealous. I understand what she is saying and understand how she feels. She's not looking for us to solve a problem in her love life she's just expressing how she feels.

You're BU but I can understand why. My sister had the first grandchild in our family, then got pregnant just before me the second time and had the first grandson too! I love them both, and my sister more than they know but I'd have liked to have been first at something! So the unreasonable jealousy is fine but you'll move past it and the other stuff won't bug you so much once you do

I don’t understand the dress thing at all. It’s not a hysterectomy. You can do it more than once. I’ve been wedding dress shopping with one of my sisters and a friend but I have 2 daughters and if either/both ask me to go with them I’m not going to say I’ve already done it or pretend it’s the exact same experience. My mother didn’t come with me because we were both busy but I think it’s nice of your sil to include your mum.

I wouldn’t invite a plus one for single guests but not sure why you can’t say to your brother that you want to bring someone.

They haven’t done the seating plan yet. The invitations haven’t gone out and in the next 2 years people will have died or divorced and other people will have been born or married in. There will be people at that wedding that neither the bride or groom have met yet, and others who are currently dead certs who that will drift away or have another commitment that day. Your brother is winding you up, or you have invented it.

OP you comment about your DB saying he’s your last chance to your mum ... your future is in your own hands, own it. Anything can happen in 2 years. You need to ask yourself how you are going to react if they fall pregnant and your mum is baby clothes shopping rather than wedding dress shopping. This is part of life and everyone’s lives move differently. It’s not a competition for attention or a set agenda. Be kind to yourself and work on what makes you happy. If you end up on the kids table on your own with no partner it’s only for a few hours and a bit thoughtless but it shouldn’t ruin the next 2 years before the day comes around. yANBU about thinking dress shopping may have been a first time thing for you and your mum but honestly let them enjoy it and know that it takes nothing away from you and your relationship with your mum.