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To feel jealous (wedding related)

153 replies

burningsage · 06/10/2018 08:47

My brother is getting married in a couple of years. I'm not particularly close to his fiancé, she is quite a bit younger than me and we don't have much in common. She's been pretty bridezilla about her wedding so far (no plus ones for single people like myself, all guests must stay at her chosen hotel, spending a ridiculous amount of money on the day paid for by loans) but that's only my opinion and each to their own.

She is choosing her wedding dress in a few months and my mum has mentioned that she's been invited to go dress shopping along with brides Mum and her 5 sisters. Obviously I'm not invited and didn't expect to be.

I've been single for years, plenty of boyfriends but not a chance I'll be getting engaged in the next decade (if ever) so I suppose it might be my Mum's only chance to do 'wedding dress shopping' but I feel really odd about it? I don't have any sisters. My mum and I haven't always seen eye to eye but she's still my Mum and although I'm not really 'into weddings' I always imagined it would be something we would do.

AIBU to be feeling weirdly jealous about this or am I being ridiculous?

(Expecting to be flamed if I am being silly by the way).

OP posts:

BewareOfDragons · 06/10/2018 10:09

You sound really down, OP. I think this is about more than the upcoming wedding of your brother. It's perfectly sensible for a lot of weddings to keep costs down but not having random 'plus 1s' that they have to pay for. And you would be bringing a random.

I also don't think you're being unreasonable to be feeling a bit quietly jealous and sad that it's not you going shopping with your mum for a special dress for yourself. I imagine you didn't expect to feel this way, single and alone at 30 with no long term relationship potential in sight, which is what you want based on what you've written, so you're sad it isn't you. Perhaps you need to use these feelings to take a long hard look at what you want in life and look for new ways to pursue it?

I would ask your brother about the seating arrangements quietly. I'm sure you won't be at a 'child's' table, but perhaps another table full of single adults?

I'm sorry you're down. But you are going to have to put on a good face for your brother's wedding and get through it ... and then focus hard on your own life to make some changes that will make you happier. Good luck.


Bodear · 06/10/2018 10:11

I wouldn’t mind about the dress thing but I’d be livid at the lack of plus one that far in advance plus the seating arrangement. I know that they’ll end up having change it all because by then people will get divorced/ have kids/ fall out/ die etc etc but I think their intent is truly awful.
I have been to a wedding as the only single person and to make up the numbers the photographer (old and a bit sleazy) was my plus one at the dinner table. It was awful and I’d never do it to anyone else. You should have a plus one and you should absolutely be sat with adults you know and like.


thisneverendingsummer · 06/10/2018 10:15


You're not being unreasonable at all but you posted on Mumsnet and you should know that almost all posters on here are sanctimonious in their perfection. They'd never feel jealousy in a situation like this, of course.

Yeah this. The posters saying the OP is being unreasonable/childish/pathetic etc etc, are the same ones who think people who are upset at not getting a birthday card, or being unfriended on facebook are pathetic too. Oooooh, shocker, some people are upset and bothered by things that don't upset and shock YOU (supposedly) Hmm

OP, your mum has done nothing wrong, and neither has your SIL, but YANBU to feel hurt, and a little pissed off. No-one can tell you that you have no right to feel like you do.


crimsonlake · 06/10/2018 10:15

I think you are feeling left out rather than jealous, you are human after all.


MapleLeafRag · 06/10/2018 10:15

I think your brother should run for the hills!


burningsage · 06/10/2018 10:26


  1. How can you be sure I would be bringing a random to a wedding that's in 2 years time?

2. I'm single but no I'm not 'alone'
3. In my opinion finding a relationship isn't something you can just get by making changes in your life - are you also one of those patronising posters that tell all single women to get a hobby?
4. Yes I will be seated at the child's table
OP posts:

Bodear · 06/10/2018 10:28

Op, some people here are being harsh. I would feel upset if I was you. You’re not planning on doing anything about the dress shopping, you’re just acknowledging your feelings and they’re perfectly valid.
The seating arrangements are something I would address with my sibling tbh or I wouldn’t be going. Not because I would want to cause a row but because it would make me feel awkward and I would expect my sibling to acknowledge, understand and then fix that.


BewareOfDragons · 06/10/2018 10:33

I wasn't being patronising. I am definitely not one of those posters. You sound quite down to me in your initial post, and I was trying to be sympathetic.

I'm sorry you took it that way.


whiteroseredrose · 06/10/2018 10:35

YANBU at all for your feelings. FWIW I felt 'on the shelf' when I turned 30, having been a Bridget Jones singleton most of my life. Met (now) DH 4 months later and everything changed.

You never know what or who is around the corner. Would be great if you met and married someone before bridezilla's big day 😁.

Agree with others. Like marriage proposals, wedding dress shopping has been over Hollywood-ised and is an overrated PITA!


rudewordsaretheshit · 06/10/2018 10:41

Snorkfavour's post is absolutely perfect


burningsage · 06/10/2018 11:14

I wonder if it has crossed SILs mind that it might be something I would have wanted to do with my Mum. I think she looks down on me for still being single despite me having a lot of other things that she doesn't.

OP posts:

roundaboutthetown · 06/10/2018 11:20

burningsage - in 2 years, the seating plans will have to have changed: people will have divorced or died, or married in that time... therefore the seating plans cannot possibly be set in stone. Also, some people will be unable to attend, so freeing up spaces... I would make it clear to your db now that sitting you on a table with a lot of children for company is borderline offensive, but would not make a fuss about plus ones who don't exist two whole years before the event (although I can see why you are feeling sensitive about it).

Tbh, I don't understand the wedding dress issue at all. Having my mother with me to choose a wedding dress was never high in my priorities. Besides, I am not the only girl in the family, so was not the first one to get there, anyway. Is this really about the wedding dress? Or about a feeling that someone else is getting what you feel to be a momentous, intimate moment with your mother which you may never have? Because in all honesty, I do not think the wedding dress shopping trip is going to be remotely intimate or momentous for your mother, tagging along with a huge gaggle of other women!!! It will be absolutely nothing whatsoever like the experience she would have with you if you ever did decide to get married and want her to help you choose a dress.


roundaboutthetown · 06/10/2018 11:26

Ps you sound a bit competitive with your sil. Are you feeling a bit squeezed out by her generally and the dress shopping invite is the icing on the cake?


burningsage · 06/10/2018 11:57

I'm not competitive with SIL... we are totally different. She's a 'princess' Hmm just wants the husband, house, kids etc and I'm much more career driven and have pretty much always done things for myself. So there's not much to be competitive about.

OP posts:

AuntBeastie · 06/10/2018 12:05

I think it was really nice of her to ask your mum but I also understand it giving you a pang - it’s held up as such a mother and daughter bonding experience.

If you ever do go dress shopping with your mum, that experience will mean so much more to her than shopping with your SIL will.


thecatsthecats · 06/10/2018 12:24

Some of my friends just want the house, the kids, the husband. You know what? They're lovely people, and I'm so pleased that they've got the lives they want. I'm heartbroken for the ones struggling with infertility.

Be honest OP. You wouldn't be complaining on here if you weren't feeling competitive. How can you square "should think it's something I want to do with my mum" with "I'm career focused, I'm not after the husband like she is?".

You can't, because they're fundamentally contradictory positions.

I'm prepared to be blamed for this, but this is an unattractive state of mind. You won't draw dates or friends or sympathy to you with this attitude. Unless you change it, yes you will still be single. I know two people like you in real life, my brother and my oldest friend. This sort of self pitying victimhood crossed with a belief that you don't want a relationship, you're a career person etc whilst also complaining about the lack of such, and swiping at people who choose otherwise... It just isn't pleasant.

As for my brother - he's a miserable, moody git (a men's rights activist, who wonders why women won't date him when he openly hates them). He sent a horrible self centered message to our sister days after she gave birth, saying he wasn't interested in her baby. I'm sitting him next to a child. Two, if I can. The only victim of his behaviour is himself

And agree with PP - this woman is the one your brother wants to marry, and agrees to do things to make happy. Stop denying him any agency in that.


flowery · 06/10/2018 12:25

”I wonder if it has crossed SILs mind that it might be something I would have wanted to do with my Mum”

It probably hasn’t crossed her mind that your mum doing it with her would prevent you doing it with your mum!


burningsage · 06/10/2018 12:34

@thecatsthecats I'm not really bothered if you think I'm unpleasant - I think you're unpleasant to draw all those conclusions about a person you don't know

OP posts:

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 06/10/2018 12:54

I can understand your feelings, OP. But if and when you are a bride your DM will feel very different to how she feels about her DDIL.

I remember coming out of the fitting room in the dress I chose. My DM caught my eye in the mirror and we both dissolved in happy tears. It was such an important moment. I bet your DM gets much more excited when it's you rather than DDIL, however much she likes her.

As for never meeting the right man, don't be so negative. I would have sworn I'd never meet Mr Right up until I met him. I was 30 and after some bad or uninspiring relationships I'd given up. So had he I have never loved anyone the way I loved him. And vice versa.


thecatsthecats · 06/10/2018 12:55

Ok. I'm fine with that. But I wasn't born yesterday, and it would be nice if you could go further with the contradictions I mentioned?

By the way, I never said you were an unpleasant person. Just you give off an unpleasant energy. I just recognize a vibe hugely similar to my oldest friend, who has made similar comments. I never said she was a bad person. She's just conflicted and unhappy about some things in her life, and it comes out in a way that gets in the way of her achieving the very things she wants.

No, I don't know you. But I wasn't born yesterday either, and people aren't all that unique.


Knittedfairies · 06/10/2018 13:08

I’m finding it hard to believe a seating plan is set in stone so far in advance.


wtffgs2 · 06/10/2018 13:14

I get why you're sad and you're not unreasonable to have those feelings.

But you do need to keep a lid on them with your family.

Why don't you talk to future SIL? Is it just a case of not really hitting it off?

The no plus-ones could've been relaxed for you, surely? And the expensive hotel thing is thoughtless although she may genuinely want everyone together to extend the celebration?

IMO weddings and marriage are very overrated .... one in three and all that Wink


Singlenotsingle · 06/10/2018 13:16

What exactly is it you're jealous about? You wouldn't want to go shopping with her for wedding dress. And you say you're invited but no +1. Weddings are so expensive, at least £100 pp. pp for someone she doesn't know


burningsage · 06/10/2018 13:18

@thecatsthecats this is the statement: You won't draw dates or friends or sympathy to you with this attitude. Unless you change it, yes you will still be single

It's ridiculous really as I know plenty of mean and horrible people and most of them are in relationships or married.

OP posts:

Notajourno · 06/10/2018 13:18

What kind of relationship do you have with your DB.

I would speak with you DB and say that you understand that you as the wedding is so far away will there be scope to add a plus one if you get a SO in the meantime.

I would also make it clear you expect to be sat with grown ups and not children and that you find it offensive to be otherwise.

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