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To feel jealous (wedding related)

153 replies

burningsage · 06/10/2018 08:47

My brother is getting married in a couple of years. I'm not particularly close to his fiancé, she is quite a bit younger than me and we don't have much in common. She's been pretty bridezilla about her wedding so far (no plus ones for single people like myself, all guests must stay at her chosen hotel, spending a ridiculous amount of money on the day paid for by loans) but that's only my opinion and each to their own.

She is choosing her wedding dress in a few months and my mum has mentioned that she's been invited to go dress shopping along with brides Mum and her 5 sisters. Obviously I'm not invited and didn't expect to be.

I've been single for years, plenty of boyfriends but not a chance I'll be getting engaged in the next decade (if ever) so I suppose it might be my Mum's only chance to do 'wedding dress shopping' but I feel really odd about it? I don't have any sisters. My mum and I haven't always seen eye to eye but she's still my Mum and although I'm not really 'into weddings' I always imagined it would be something we would do.

AIBU to be feeling weirdly jealous about this or am I being ridiculous?

(Expecting to be flamed if I am being silly by the way).

OP posts:

thecraicismightierthanthesword · 06/10/2018 09:24

I asked my MIL to go dress shopping with me - she was really close to DH and was struggling that he was getting married (at 36!). I'd lost my own DM a decade earlier.

I've been married 5 years and SIL has never forgiven me for it. She says it should have been something special for her and her Mum and I ruined it.

She's getting married in a few months and says her shopping with her Mum wasn't as special because MIL had 'done it before'.

I thought I was being nice and including! Confused

You're not alone in what you're feeling OP but don't hold it against your SIL however Bridezilla she's being in your eyes.


RandomMess · 06/10/2018 09:24

Blimey I would be asking your brother how he would feel being sat with a group of DC and not allowed a plus one... that's mean behaviour from him!


BIgBagofJelly · 06/10/2018 09:26

Of course you're not unreasonable to feel jealous, your feelings are your feelings. I wouldn't dwell on it thought and bear in mind your mum hasn't done anything wrong.

I think the plus one thing is totally fair, weddings are expensive and they don't want to pay for random people they've never met and will probably never meet again to attend. Unless you wouldn't know anyone else there surely you don't need to bring anyone to a wedding?

The hotel things does sound ridiculous though how can she insist on guests all staying in a particular hotel?


BIgBagofJelly · 06/10/2018 09:28

If you're being sat on a table of children without being asked about it then yes that's annoying too! Are you the only adult on that table?


roundaboutthetown · 06/10/2018 09:29

I think YABU. How much input do you actually think your dm will get alongside your sil's mum and 5 sisters?!! It sounds a pretty horrendous shopping trip. Also - what sort of a wimp is your db, if you are blaming all the wedding choices on your sil? Do you get on with your db, or have little in common with him, either? Is th dress thing the first time it has actually sunk in properly for you that your family is involved in this wedding and it is a big thing for them, not just for the bride?!


ElectricMonkey · 06/10/2018 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gwenhwyfar · 06/10/2018 09:39

I've never been given a plus 1 invitation and only know of one other single person who has been (he invited me when I was his ex!). I don't know why you should expect to be able to bring someone if you're not in a relationship. Why should you really?

On the other hand, I don't understand why you're on the table with the children either. You can't be the only single/divorced/widowed person there and how do you know the table plan 2 years in advance.

Your issue is clearly that you're unhappy to be single and nothing to do with your future SIL.


herecomesthsun · 06/10/2018 09:39

Could you plan a fun shopping trip with your mum instead? Eurostar have special offers on - I did this with my mum when I was single, we had a very good time.


OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 06/10/2018 09:39

There should be a word that means feeling sadness and disappointment about something you never thought you'd be bothered about,without jealousy or envy.
It doesn't make you a bad person op, is it like a general sadness that a rite of passage that you thought you'd share with your DM is happening with sil to be?
I know it's not the same, but how about a day dress shopping for the wedding with DM? Or get together for afternoon tea (or whatever you like?)


Gwenhwyfar · 06/10/2018 09:41

"the whole cliche of simpering mums/sisters/friends clasping their hands in joy as the beauteous bride shimmers out of the changing room and they breathlessly gasp "That's the one!" is awful."

Yes, but it's probably good to have other people's opinions on a wedding dress so going in a group sounds like a good idea to me.


SoupDragon · 06/10/2018 09:42

I’m confused, your brother is getting married “in a couple of years” but his Fiancée is going dress shopping in a few months?

Isn’t that a bit premature?


Gwenhwyfar · 06/10/2018 09:42

"here should be a word that means feeling sadness and disappointment about something you never thought you'd be bothered about,without jealousy or envy."

It's obviously simply envy though isn't it and there's nothing shameful about that. We all feel it sometimes.


Billben · 06/10/2018 09:46

Obviously I'm not invited and didn't expect to be.

Why is this obvious? It was rude of the bride to not invite you when she’s invited all her sisters and your DM. Also, it’s your DB’s wedding so you should be able to bring a plus one.
The wedding is in a couple of years time so why is she dress shopping already?


lovetherisingsun · 06/10/2018 09:47

We can't smother human emotion; I can understand where you are coming from, and I don't think it's unreasonable to feel something like this. Feelings are irrational at the best of times, and you are entitled to yours. I think I'd feel weird too, and a bit sad, to be honest. But it is what it is, you can feel what you feel, it sucks but, there you go. Hopefully you'll at least be able to have a good drink and eat when you're there x


thisneverendingsummer · 06/10/2018 09:47

@burningsage No of course you are not being unreasonable, and you are right to feel hurt at your mum doing it with your SIL to be.

Don't take any notice of anyone bashing you. They would be just as hurt, no matter what they say.

Hope you find love one day. Flowers


Rachel0Greep · 06/10/2018 09:48

Sitting at the children's table, really?


MsOliphant · 06/10/2018 09:50

I find it incredibly hard to believe that she’s given that much thought into the table plans at this early stage, to be honest.

Even if she had, as a grown woman, you are perfectly capable of asserting yourself and saying you will not be sitting at the children’s table.


Jagblue · 06/10/2018 09:50

What is unreasonable is to plan a wedding that is two years away.
Most be a ballsache to talk about the same thing for years.
I don't think you've been ridiculous I think you are just feeling out of the loop.


Witchend · 06/10/2018 09:51

I can understand your feelings, but I think it's lovely she invited your dm-can't you be pleased for her perhaps?

But that last message I think is sounding a bit stroppy. Not getting a plus one isn't being penalised for being single. You'll know plenty of relatives so it's not like you'll know no one.
Have they said you'll be on the table with the children though, as that would be off (unless you offered to. I would have loved to be at the table with the children in such circumstances, much more fun)


burningsage · 06/10/2018 09:53

Without being too outing the wedding is in late 2020 (booked for this date). So a good couple of years away - which is why I'm a bit annoyed about the lack of plus one and seating plan - as to me it is plausible (though unlikely) that I could have a boyfriend by then - it's like they are just assuming I won't.

Back to the dress shopping, I'm not really jealous because I want a huge white wedding. Just that my mum is so involved I suppose. Which I know is wrong.

OP posts:

Gazelda · 06/10/2018 09:55

I think it's lovely of you SIL to include you DM.
I think DB is equally to blame that you're not 'allowed' a plus one.
I'm astonished that they've let it be known that you're to be seated with the DC when the wedding is still 2 years away!

I can understand your sadness, but I'm afraid I think YABU.


PillowOfSociety · 06/10/2018 10:01

Weird things get stirred up. I had children much later than my brother, and I got quite poignant about the fact that my Mum was so emotional about my brother’s children. Happy for her, but strong feelings occur when a new generation gets started. I felt a bit deficient and empty not to be giving my Mum the grandparent experience.

(I got round to it eventually Grin)

Your DG and. SIL’s ‘no plus ones’ rule has probably exacerbated the contrast.

On that score, loads of people’s lives will change over 2 years, they are being over-excited and premature!


BIgBagofJelly · 06/10/2018 10:01

I'm a bit bemused they're planning it all with such certainly this far in advance. Couples might have broken up or moved away by then! I think the plus one may not be assuming you won't have a boyfriend but not wanting to invite a hypothetical person to their wedding.


Witchend · 06/10/2018 10:02

which is why I'm a bit annoyed about the lack of plus one and seating plan - as to me it is plausible (though unlikely) that I could have a boyfriend by then
Surely they haven't sent the invites out yet? I'd assume that if by that point you have a steady boyfriend on the scene then they probably would invite them. I think you're feeling upset at a scenario that probably won't happen.


roundaboutthetown · 06/10/2018 10:04

burningsage - your mum is involved because her son is getting married?!... I presume she wants a good relationship with her daughter in law to be. And it's just a dress, fgs. A dress you are not interested in, for yourself or anyone else.

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