To feel jealous (wedding related)

[burningsage]

My brother is getting married in a couple of years. I'm not particularly close to his fiancé, she is quite a bit younger than me and we don't have much in common. She's been pretty bridezilla about her wedding so far (no plus ones for single people like myself, all guests must stay at her chosen hotel, spending a ridiculous amount of money on the day paid for by loans) but that's only my opinion and each to their own.

She is choosing her wedding dress in a few months and my mum has mentioned that she's been invited to go dress shopping along with brides Mum and her 5 sisters. Obviously I'm not invited and didn't expect to be.

I've been single for years, plenty of boyfriends but not a chance I'll be getting engaged in the next decade (if ever) so I suppose it might be my Mum's only chance to do 'wedding dress shopping' but I feel really odd about it? I don't have any sisters. My mum and I haven't always seen eye to eye but she's still my Mum and although I'm not really 'into weddings' I always imagined it would be something we would do.

AIBU to be feeling weirdly jealous about this or am I being ridiculous?

(Expecting to be flamed if I am being silly by the way).

[burningsage]

My brother has told my parents he is 'their only hope' and I expect the dress shopping day will be full of sympathy for my mum because her own daughter couldn't manage to get married.

[Lookingforadvice123]

YABVU. I think it's lovely that your SIL is including your mum, especially when she has that many sisters already and so there's plenty of people to watch her try on dresses. She obviously wants to make her feel included.

Do you want to go too? If you do, could you ask your brother to check if it's ok?

[eightoclock]

YABU about the wedding dress shopping - that is irrelevant to you, but might make your mum happy. Or she might hate it!

It's hard being single when everyone else is getting married. You are allowed to feel sad about that. I don't get why you are blaming SIL for the no plus one and the hotel situation though. It's down to your brother to make sure you are happy. If you want a plus one, ask him. He will probably say yes. If you aren't happy with the seating, again ask him. And don't stay in the hotel if you don't want to, they can't force you.

I got no plus one for either of my brother's weddings, I just asked them and was told of course. No drama. Wouldn't have occurred to me to blame it on my new sister in law.

[roundaboutthetown]

burningsage - your comments about: how you and your mum have not always seen eye to eye; how you and your sil(to be) do not have much in common; how you think your sil looks down on you even though you have a lot that she does not have; that you wonder whether it has crossed her mind you might have wanted to do this with your dm (are you implying here she is deliberately trying to upset you by inviting your mum to the dress shopping event?!); that you think she looks down on you; that she is being a bit of a bridezilla; that you attribute all the blame for seating plans and no plus ones on her and not your db.... indicate to me that you feel there is a lot to be competitive about!!! You certainly seem to attribute one hell of a lot of bad will to her! Something tells me you are not being honest with yourself about how you are feeling generally.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I think it's ok to feel a bit sad, especially if you would really like to get married but can't see it happening any time soon, BUT you do also need to get over yourself.

It's nice that your mum was invited along, and that she's going.

[myrtleWilson]

oh the comments made by your brother "only hope" and then denying you a plus one and letting you know two years in advance that you're on the children's table now all seem a bit calculated by DB to infantilise you even further in your parents eyes.

I don't think you're wrong to be feeling a bit down about it all if this wedding is part of a wider pattern of behaviour.

[roundaboutthetown]

Tbh, you give the impression you feel your sil is trying to squeeze you out of your own family and diminish you in some way for having such different goals and interests.

[thecatsthecats]

Ok. So you're not prepared to do introspection or answer my question.

I do feel the need to point out AGAIN that that attitude isn't calling you unpleasant. It's unattractive. Not a nice thing to say, I'll grant you, but it's honest.

Unlike starting a thread about jealousy then denying you're competitive...

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Although, you know, there is a part of me that would love for you to meet your dream man in the next few months, have a whirlwind romance and beat them to the punch for your own wedding, especially after those things your "D"brother said about you. Rude!

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, burningsage.

[wtffgs2]

Hmm - sounds like your brother is the one with the agenda here!

"The only hope" - is he living in the 1800s?

Being married was appalling for my emotional and financial health. Staying single and having boyfriends plus a career sounds ideal.

You don't "give off horrible energy" or whatever nonsense was posted further up!

Any chance you can schedule an important work trip around the "happy" day?

[Thatsnotmybookworm]

OP The only unreasonable thing here is you or anyone else assuming you aren't going to meet someone and get married yourself just because you are single at 30; that's very young; you more than likely will meet someone, and you could be married before them

[2doubles]

I imagine you didn't expect to feel this way, single and alone at 30 with no long term relationship potential in sight

I'm sure you won't be at a 'child's' table, but perhaps another table full of single adults?

BewareOfDragons I'm sure you didn't mean to come across so patronizing but being single at 30(or any age) is NOT a fail in life. As for seating all the single adults together... can single people not sit at a table with couples???? Why do they have to be separated?

[BewareOfDragons]

I agree! I was single well into my 30s! And enjoying it ! And my sister is still happily single into her 40s!

I was responding to the OP's own post and how she came across, being jealous and sad, not feeling sorry for all women who reach 30 and aren't married!

[Lookingforadvice123]

Sorry I haven't RTFT, didn't realise you were only 30! And why is there very little chance of you meeting someone and getting married, then? If it's something you want out of life, are you proactively looking? You sound a bit like my own SIL who's 33 and has been single the 8 years I've known her, moans about it but doesn't actually proactively seek a partner, or even do much in the way of online dating/hobbies etc. I think she genuinely is expecting a potential husband to knock on her door one day

If that's not your attitude and you're proactively trying to find a partner (if that's what you want) then apologies, and I imagine you will find one! So please don't write yourself off at 30 for crying out loud.

[Bluelady]

How very kind of your future SiL and how very silly of you.

[2doubles]

BewareOfDragons

OK sorry, I thought you were feeling pity for the OP just for being single. Apologies.

[SoozC]

It's totally understandable you feel jealous, OP. I would too in this situation. Jealousy is my biggest failing and I have to try hard to overcome it when it rises up.

I got married and am having a child 8 years after my brother who's only a year older than me. For a long time I struggled, seeing myself as immature in the family's eyes. Despite the fact I gained an MA and was successful in my career, I just felt being married and having kids trumped all my achievements. Which was nonsense, but jealousy doesn't exactly make you rational.

All I can say is, when your time comes, your mum and you will have a special experience, regardless of her going along with her DIL-to-be. At your dress along it will be all about you and her, something special. With your DB's fiancée it'll be about her and her mum, with umpteen hangers-on.

Try to put it out of your mind. Hard, I know, but whenever your thoughts slide that way try to veer away to something else. A lot can change in two years, so try not to get frustrated now about things that may well change in the future.

[userofthiswebsite]

Some very questionable attitudes here regarding not meriting a +1 due to being a single person.
Why does someone have to be sleeping with someone to consider them worthy of a second chair at the table?
I could have a boyfriend of a few months and a friend of 10 years.
Just because I don't sleep with the latter doesn't make them less important to me than the former.
It's a pretty nasty kind of rule.
Compounded by putting you on the kids' table away from all the other 'normal' adults.

[Kolo]

I’m trying to understand what you’re jealous of. Is it that your mum is involved in another woman’s wedding? If so, I think you’re allowed to feel a bit upset about that. But no matter how much your mum is involved, it won’t equal her experience of taking her own daughter wedding dress shopping. Nothing that comes before could compare to that.

[1forAll74]

I would not even give much thought to this wedding, that is so far away in time.. But even so, I suppose it's nice, that your Mum can be involved.
Live and let live,is always a good saying to adhere to.

But it always amazes me these days. that a whole lot of people,have to all go to the bridal shops/salons, and to all view the wedding dress try on. Its all oddly strange to me.

[Bluntness100]

Gosh, lots of projection here, all these negative things they are thinking about you, you sound very bitter.

Of course your mum is involved with the dress shopping, it's nice and quite normal. This is her future daughter in law.

And of course you can't have an imaginary plus one just in case you get a boyfriend, that's nuts.

If you don't want to sit with the kids, tell them.

No one is thinking the stuff you think they are thinking. You need to get a grip on yourself, if you wish to meet someone, then get out there, online dating, clubs, whatever, but don't be all mean bitter and jealous about your family.

[SillySallySingsSongs]

Any chance you can schedule an important work trip around the "happy" day?

Yeah because that's not at all petty

My DM went with my SIL to chose her dress before I got married or had even met my now DH. It didn't bother me.

You sound quite jealous.

[burningsage]

There it is - if you want to meet someone try online dating and have a hobby - guess what, I've got lots of hobbies and I've probably been on about 25 online dates this year! I'm still single and I'm still allowed to fe weird about my mum getting so involved in someone else's wedding.

I really don't get this 'if you want to meet someone then do it' mentality. It's not really the case that just because you go on dates, you get a relationship. Sometimes there just isn't anyone for you.

[AuntBeastie]

I'm still allowed to fe weird about my mum getting so involved in someone else's wedding.

In the kindest possible way, it’s not ‘someone else’s’ wedding. It’s her son’s wedding. She’s allowed to be as excited for it and involved as she would be for yours.

[AnnaMagnani]

How old are you BTW? Your brother sounds either an arse or a doormat, I can't decide which.

Having a seating plan for a wedding 2 years away is bonkers. Loads of people will have split up, died, made other arrangements, be unable to get childcare etc etc. Equally putting you on the kids table is bonkers. You would be entirely justified in telling your brother you aren't turning up if that is the deal.

But seriously I was 10 years single at 35 and married at 37. So don't give up. If you are proper serious about looking, my advice is to spend money on it. Online dating is fine, but look for niche sites that cater to your specific hobbies. Preferably ones you have to pay to join as it cuts out a load of timewasters.

By doing this, I did 4 dates and DH on the same site did 6. Cut out a lot of rubbish.