To feel jealous (wedding related)
burningsage · 06/10/2018 08:47
My brother is getting married in a couple of years. I'm not particularly close to his fiancé, she is quite a bit younger than me and we don't have much in common. She's been pretty bridezilla about her wedding so far (no plus ones for single people like myself, all guests must stay at her chosen hotel, spending a ridiculous amount of money on the day paid for by loans) but that's only my opinion and each to their own.
She is choosing her wedding dress in a few months and my mum has mentioned that she's been invited to go dress shopping along with brides Mum and her 5 sisters. Obviously I'm not invited and didn't expect to be.
I've been single for years, plenty of boyfriends but not a chance I'll be getting engaged in the next decade (if ever) so I suppose it might be my Mum's only chance to do 'wedding dress shopping' but I feel really odd about it? I don't have any sisters. My mum and I haven't always seen eye to eye but she's still my Mum and although I'm not really 'into weddings' I always imagined it would be something we would do.
AIBU to be feeling weirdly jealous about this or am I being ridiculous?
(Expecting to be flamed if I am being silly by the way).
Bluntness100 · 06/10/2018 15:13
Honestly, it's not just someone else's wedding, it's her son and future daughter in laws and what she's doing is normal
And if you have the opinion that there is no one for you, then yes of course you will never meet someone.
Your feelings aren't wrong, but they are about you, not anyone else. No one is thinking horrid things about you, but, and I mean this kindly, the only person thinking horrible things is you, there is no joy for you that your brother is getting married to a woman he loves, there is no joy for you that your mother is trying to welcome her future daughter in law to the family, it's all about your envy and bitterness, and that is always going to hurt you the most.
Havaina · 06/10/2018 15:22
Your feelings are your feelings. If you're feeling sad, wallow in it, cry, swear - whatever you need to. No one can dictate how you should feel, so YANBU.
However, don't let the next 2 years pass in a fog of envy. They're putting you on the children's table? Fuck them. Treat the wedding like a stranger's wedding.
In the meantime, live your life, enjoy your career, go travelling, build your friendships, your relationship with your parents and brother. Don't let the condescending presence take up room in your head.
And if and when you do get married, put DB and SIL on the children's table.
Bluntness100 · 06/10/2018 16:41
Op, if you put much of your feelings down to your dissatisfaction and despondency with your own love life, can you maybe articulat furthr what's happening there?
You say you've have about 25 dates, so clearly have no issue attracting guys. So what's stopping them progressing further? Is it uou doesn't want to see them again, is it them you? What going on there.
Maybe resolving the root cause would be better that dealing with the symptoms...
SilverySurfer · 06/10/2018 17:41
It's your pity party OP so you can cry if you want to but I'm not sure what it will achieve. YABU to not want your DM to get involved with her own son's wedding. Her going with the bride to look at dresses seems reasonable to me and it in no way prevents her from doing it with you if/when the time comes.
You're in for a miserable two years if this is all you think about. Why don't you get on with your own life. Who knows, it's possible you could meet Mr Right and marry before 2020.
burningsage · 06/10/2018 18:11
I don't think anyone understands when I say I will be single for ever. I go on loads of dates, some of them progress, but even for the ones that look like they're going somewhere, in the end something stops it. My friends don't understand it, my family don't understand it, no one knows why. Just not for me.
It's not really a wedding I'm involved in so decided to just remove myself from all the conversations in future to avoid any upset.
roundaboutthetown · 06/10/2018 18:26
burningsage - what stops it? You? The other person? Circumstances? Of course nobody understands it when you are making no sense. Do you ever want to get married? Do you ever want a long term partner? Do you ever want children? Fine if you don't, but you seem to have no clue what you do want from your posts. And if you don't ever really want to get married, then why on earth the weird reaction to your mother's involvement in your db's wedding? And why date 25 people when it's not for you anyway, and why be annoyed everyone thinks you will be single in 2 years when you are simultaneously saying you will always be single?
FallenIvy · 06/10/2018 18:43
I don't think anyone understands when I say I will be single for ever. I go on loads of dates, some of them progress, but even for the ones that look like they're going somewhere, in the end something stops it. My friends don't understand it, my family don't understand it, no one knows why. Just not for me
Oh my god, you're only 30, stop putting yourself under so much pressure. I had boyfriends and relationships but I didn't meet 'the one' til I was 38.
MrsStrowman · 06/10/2018 18:44
If you're this obtuse and self pitying with dates, and your negativity comes across (let's talk about our families; oh my mum and I don't see eye to eye, I don't like my SIL, even my DB is against me etc) it's no wonder they don't progress far. I used to work with someone like that, another colleague referred to her as an emotional vampire, it was exhausting to spend time around her.
Einstein's definition of madness is to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result, self reflection and ownership can be a positive step towards change.
Lookingforadvice123 · 06/10/2018 19:11
I didn't actually say that OP, to try a hobby or online dating. I gave the example of my own SIL who is just like that and WON'T try the usual means to meet someone. I went on to say in my post that if you ARE actively looking, then I'm sure you will meet someone.
Starheart · 07/10/2018 02:51
I think to be fair it's something I think you need to move past here . I think it's okay to feel upset but I do think it's nice for your mum to be included. It will never take away from if she goes dress shopping with you .
I'm a twin and so my mum had the dress shopping experience with my twin getting married long before it was ever a prospect i would be in that position one day. At the time I was single and stayed that way for a number of years. Years later I did meet someone and when dress shopping , it was not in any way affected by the fact my mum had experienced it before .
lovetherisingsun · 07/10/2018 06:53
If you're this obtuse and self pitying with dates, and your negativity comes across (let's talk about our families; oh my mum and I don't see eye to eye, I don't like my SIL, even my DB is against me etc) it's no wonder they don't progress far. I used to work with someone like that, another colleague referred to her as an emotional vampire, it was exhausting to spend time around her
@MrsStrowman Really harsh, and really uncalled for. You sound like you're deliberately trying to be nasty to the OP to make her feel bad - why would you do that? You don't sound like a nice person at all. OP's words don't come across like "an emotional vampire" at all - what a deliberately provocative and nasty person you sound.
roundaboutthetown · 07/10/2018 08:31
burningsage - if this is really about your db's wedding making you feel that maybe you will miss the boat and never marry, just because he is marrying someone much younger than you... you do know the average age to marry is actually around 31 years old for women in the UK, don't you? So you're hardly past it, just because your sil is in an unseemly rush! And just because you have dated lots of people and not found anyone, it doesn't mean there is no-one for you. It sounds more like you're going for quantity over quality and not getting enough time to get to know anyone well, anyway. There are millions of men I would never contemplate marrying! So the fact you're not into 25 of the men you've dated is neither here nor there. Giving a bit more thought to what is not working, rather than assuming any relationship would be a failure for you, would be worthwhile - unless you are genuinely happy with being single forever (which doesn't sound to be the case if your db's wedding has thrown you this much).
MakeItRain · 07/10/2018 08:42
I understand how you feel. From what you say I think everything stems from how your family treat and speak about you. Your brother openly says he's your mum's "only hope", has obviously told you you're on the children's table "because you're single" and you feel that your mum is disappointed that you're single.
I think this must exacerbate all your sad feelings about yourself. Do you think this view of you started very young?
I was single on and off for years, probably about 8 before I met my ex dh. Married for a few years but now divorced. I love being by myself now but have experienced the feelings you have about feeling you'll never meet anyone while all around you seem to be happily paired off.
I would be tempted in your position not to go to the wedding. Because I think it's really unkind to sit you with the children. At the very least I would be refusing to be an unpaid babysitter for the meal.
I would distance yourself from your family and their negative attitudes about you. (Their attitudes are the depressing ones and are probably what's making you feel sad here.)
Stop the online dating for a while too and spend some time just pampering yourself and looking after "you".
I think what you're feeling is normal but is probably being made twenty times worse by the attitudes of your own family. If they were excited by your career, excited to involve you and have you near them or with a good friend at the wedding, I think you wouldn't feel anywhere near as sad as you are feeling.
PurpleFlower1983 · 07/10/2018 09:02
2020 is ages away, I’m sure if you end up in a relationship they will be more than welcome to your brother’s wedding. Your SIL can’t force people to stay at the hotel but she can ask people who are staying to stay there/recommend it as a lot of people do for their weddings.
It sounds like your jealousy is making you project negative feelings onto your SIL. You seem determined to portray her in a negative light.
Why not spend more time reflecting on what things you can do to improve your own life?
MarthasGinYard · 07/10/2018 09:15
I completely get you Op and have felt similar in the past.
I think you've had some harsh responses.
However if I'd not been allowed a plus one and been put on a dc table at my DB wedding then I wouldn't have attended.
I think it's nice that your dm has been asked to go for this huge ridiculous dress shop if it makes her happy.
You are poles apart from tour SIL to be honest and sound like you have little in common.
I actually can kind of understand the pangs of jealousy and I'm not generally wired up as a jealous type.
PanchoBarnes · 07/10/2018 09:39
No, yanbu - your feelings are your feelings....
and I can understand why you feel that way.
As an outsider, I do think it's lovely that she included your DM to go.
But in your shoes, I'd definitely probably feel dejected, having not been able to share the wedding dress experience first, with my DM.
You're entitled to feel a bit bummed about it.
But, as others have said, it won't be the same, as it will be for yourself and your DM.
And of course, bride's own DM will be there too, so your's will really just be more of an observer.
Who knows, maybe your DM will come home and talk about SIL's horrid taste in cheap and nasty wedding dresses, and then you can revel in that together.
I said that I think it's lovely that she invited your DM to go -- but not of course, if it was just as a calculated dig at you.
And having to sit at the kiddie table??? Well then, perhaps you should wear a frilly pinafore dress and do your hair like Pippi Longstocking.
Then smile real big for the family wedding photo.
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