Married name is same as DSD's mum and she objects

[Breakfastclubcrazy]

I’ve name changed as I’ve written a few posts and combined they could be a little bit outing.

Had a conversation with soon to be step daughter last night, she’s 13, almost 14. I’m due to marry her dad in December. She was asking me about names and I said I’d be Mrs .... the same surname as her and her dad.

She told me I couldn’t be, as her mum is Mrs ..... now I’m not in the least bit insecure and understand why her mum is still Mrs ...... but surely I’m not BU to also call myself Mrs ....?

What do you think? Before I’m hammered I don’t care what her mum is calling herself one bit, I care what I’ll be called and I want to take my new husband’s name.

Come on OP, don’t weasel out of this with deflection and desperate deployment of cry-laugh emoji. Why not own your remarks, and take us through the logic of how you’re “not second”?

Would it help if you explained the very formal, traditional approach to her? In other words, you will marry Mr John Doe so become Mrs John Doe. Her mother divorced Mr John Doe and therefore became Mrs Jane Doe.

Why the hell would this help, unless they are characters in Downton Abbey? Surely nobody thinks like this anymore?

The ex wife doesn't need to change her name at all. Why should she? She can call herself whatever she likes.

So he was married to his daughter's mum, then they divorced, so she is still - for example - Mrs Jane Smith, and you are going to become Mrs Mary Smith.

Why is this even an issue - why are you asking? If a 13 year old has misunderstood, and a meddling ex has taken advantage of her naivety to cause ill feeling, surely her dad can simply explain it?

What am I missing here?

Come on OP, don’t weasel out of this with deflection and desperate deployment of cry-laugh emoji. Why not own your remarks, and take us through the logic of how you’re “not second”

You are really invested in this aren't you? .

It seems unlikely to me that your DSD2B was put up to this by the ex. More likely she is anxious that her mother, and by extension she herself, isn’t sidelined. She may be struggling with the whole idea of your marrying her father and this is the only way she can express it.

Mrs is not the name though, it's the title that refers to a married woman. A divorcee is not a married woman and therefore it's confusing and strange if they keep using Mrs. I can fully understand keeping their surname if they want, but they shouldn't use Mrs. Ms was created for those that don't want people to know whether the woman is married or not, they should use that if they don't want to be miss. Mary Smith is still Mary Smith whether she's Mrs or Ms..

Widows are by definition no longer married women, but no one objects to them having the title of Mrs. The old distinction was between Mrs for a woman after marriage and Miss for a spinster. The title of Ms was introduced for equality between the sexes, women can choose to use it, they don't have to.

You are really invested in this aren't you?

I’m repeatedly checking Threads I’m On as displacement activity from a boring proofreading job. So in a way, yes

Women can call themselves Ms, Mrs or Miss regardless of marital status. Having a title to denote marital status is completely unnecessary anyway, men manage well enough without it. It's just silly complaining that other women aren't using titles in the way you deem appropriate. You're not entitled to get a clear and accurate picture of a woman's marital status from her title honeyroar.

The people that are very bothered about what an ex wife says or does or calls herself should perhaps choose a partner who has not already been married.

If women kept their own names and identities after marriage this sort of drama wouldn't exist.

I think it's silly to keep a mans name after divorce, but appreciate the ex wife to retain the same name as her children.

If I were you I'd either keep my own name or ask my husband to change his.

Jesus wept... 9 pages!! Can you imagine men having these conversations?

Should do this, should do that... no, a woman should do as she pleases wrt her name.

I'm MrsHaveIt as is my mother in law of course. That's perfectly normal! As is 2nd/3rd wives having the same name. I'm sure she'll get over it once she realises how normal it is.

I think it's silly to keep a mans name after divorce

I think it’s silly to refer to it as a “man’s name”. I didn’t borrow it, it’s mine now.

Apparently men's names are always their own soupdragon but women's never are. Hence someone always trots out the line about swapping your dad's name for your husband's, when they could just as accurately say you're swapping your own for your FILs. I'd never change my name to a man's anyway, but of course if you take a name it's yours as much as it is anyone else's who uses it. That much is abundantly obvious.

It’s not her decision. It’s traditional, in a sense (although today, many people keep their maiden name) for the wife to taker her husband’s name. Be gentle with her but firm.

I’m surprised she would assume, at her age, that you WOULDN’T be taking her dad’s name.

The op is taking her husband to be’s name because “, it’s
A good name and sounds much better than my current one, easier to spell too!”

Colour me, as they say, surprised.

OP I think you are hearing 'second wife' as 'second best', or something that is lesser than the first. That's not true and not what people are saying. You are is only wife (or will be), but you will indeed be the second person he has married in his life.

Well I'm confused.

Why does it matter to the daughter?

Surely around the house she calls her biological mother "Mum" or "Mam" or whatever.

Around your house she calls you... I have no idea because it's different to everyone in this situation. Your first name? A different variation to "Mum"? Whatever.

Regardless, she doesn't call either you, or her mother, "Mrs..." does she?

So why does it matter what's written on your legal documents to an early teen? Around the house it's going to make zero difference whatsoever.

You get married, if you both agree to take his name, that's what happens. End of.

The fact that we're having a 'robust discussion' (argument) over this shows to me just how much divide and rule-ness the current system creates. And by current system I don't just mean the chattel nature of being identified by a man, but the whole thing of women's status in society.

It pisses me off no end. I am a sad and angry feminist. They say 'the truth will set you free but first it will piss you off', well I still don't feel very free.

I don't know if/how it can ever be changed. But I'd love it if a man's marital status also had to be given each time a woman is called Miss/Mrs/Ms in the media - if we have to be given a title, which apparently we do Just doing this for a week would highlight the issue and make a lot of people think.

I wish I hadn't changed my name when I got married (along time ago). I wish it wasn't ever expected. I knew one woman who would've preferred not to change but her fiance guilted her into it

I really wanted to change name. It is far nicer than my original one.

I don't understand if a woman has gone through changing her surname and calling herself 'Mrs', why would you not change to 'Ms' after a divorce..keep the surname, whatever you like, but, if the 'Mrs' bit was important enough in the first place why would you still want it after a divorce, why would you want your title to still be associated with someone you don't want to be with? No judging at all, I just can't see me wanting to keep a title that indicates marriage to someone I no longer want to be married to? I'm not meaning this in a rude way to anyone, I just don't quite understand it.

you cant "interpret" facts

You either understand it or you dont!