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AIBU?

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Original poster

Married name is same as DSD's mum and she objects

376 replies

Breakfastclubcrazy · 06/10/2018 07:55

I’ve name changed as I’ve written a few posts and combined they could be a little bit outing.

Had a conversation with soon to be step daughter last night, she’s 13, almost 14. I’m due to marry her dad in December. She was asking me about names and I said I’d be Mrs .... the same surname as her and her dad.

She told me I couldn’t be, as her mum is Mrs ..... now I’m not in the least bit insecure and understand why her mum is still Mrs ...... but surely I’m not BU to also call myself Mrs ....?

What do you think? Before I’m hammered I don’t care what her mum is calling herself one bit, I care what I’ll be called and I want to take my new husband’s name.

OP posts:
ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 06/10/2018 14:22

I was miss maiden name, then mrs first husband, then mrs second husband, now miss second husband. I’m definitely over him, but hadn’t been my maiden name since I was 18, so couldn’t really imagine being that again. My name (first name, last name) is how people know me where I live now, so I kept it, but just dropped the mrs.

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 06/10/2018 14:23

You're being really weird. Of course he's not going to have two wives unless he's a bigamist but yes, you 100% will be his second wife because he had a first one Grin. That's how ordinal numbers work. You will be his only wife (just as she was) but you will be Wife No. 2, second wife, whatever you want to call it but when there's been one before you, you are definitely 2nd!

Ta1kinpeace · 06/10/2018 14:40

Get your husband to change his name to yours

sorted

Postino · 06/10/2018 14:40

It's quite obvious why women might not want to be Ms.

Unfortunately it can be seen by some (idiots obviously) as either uppity and feminist (which is still seen as a negative thing to some people, inc. my df), or representing a failure (regardless of the dickishness of your xh), so there are situations where you might not want to use it.

I wish this wasn't the case, but while it is, let's try to understand the resistance some women feel.

I'm personally all for dropping titles completely except Dr, Prof etc

Annechristmas · 06/10/2018 14:48

My mother divorced when she was in her fifties and kept the Mrs because she didn't want anyone to think that she had children out of wedlock.

This was about 40 years ago though and we were all adults but to her generation it was something shameful.

PandorasBag · 06/10/2018 14:53

My husband had been married twice before - he was in the process of separating from his second wife when we met.

I never wanted to take his name. His ex has reverted to her previous unmarried name and I imagine wife number 1 - long gone - had so too, if she ever took his name in the first place.

I absolutely loathe being referred to as Mrs Husband's name.

I think if a stepchild raised the question about taking their Dad's name, I would see it as their understandable concern about my occupying a place once taken by their own mother. I don't think I'd terribly like the thing of there being two Mrs Husbandnames - and would want to avoid it.

If the ex really wanted to hang onto being Mrs Husbandname, I'm sure I would let her because I can't imagine it ever mattering mich to me.

My own sense is that my relationship with my husband has lasted because I've acknowledged and respected his past and the people who have been/are an important part of that past.

HerRoyalFattyness · 06/10/2018 14:57

This thread is brilliant!
OP your adamance that you are not going to be the second wife is comical.

You will be the second wife and will always be the second wife.
Even if you divorce you'll be his second wife.

How do you think it works with Henry the eights wives? He wasn't married to them all at the same time... just one at a time.

1forAll74 · 06/10/2018 14:59

Yes, I suspect the other wife ex, has the issues here. If you, and your husband to be are happy about names, that is all that matters.

I was divorced about 30 years ago, and my Ex then remarried, and I have remained single ever since, but have kept my married surname, the same as his other wife. I was quite friendly with his second wife, and she always called me Mrs Smith (not real surname) NO 1, and called herself Mrs Smith NO 2.

My/Her husband, died four years ago. but the name lives on !

PaulDacrreRimsGeese · 06/10/2018 15:04

I don't understand if a woman has gone through changing her surname and calling herself 'Mrs', why would you not change to 'Ms' after a divorce..keep the surname, whatever you like, but, if the 'Mrs' bit was important enough in the first place why would you still want it after a divorce, why would you want your title to still be associated with someone you don't want to be with? No judging at all, I just can't see me wanting to keep a title that indicates marriage to someone I no longer want to be married to? I'm not meaning this in a rude way to anyone, I just don't quite understand it.

I don't understand the whole going through changing your name in the first place thing, but women do it. People have complex and varying feelings about stuff like this, particularly women because for so long we were made to show our status with our titles and treated accordingly.

Personally I think the more women using titles that don't immediately and accurately advertise their marital status, the better for us as a whole.

twiglet · 06/10/2018 15:07

Be patient with your Dsd she just needs a little time to adjust.

Regarding the 2nd wife part, to your friends who don't know his ex of course its obvious. But to his friends/colleagues/family who knew his ex then they will refer to you as his 2nd wife. Whether they do this in conversation with you both I doubt. But they will refer to you as the 2nd wife as a way of distinguishing between the two if it comes up. It's kinda natural for people. E. G. Oh Mr X and his wife had that car. Do you mean first or second wife.....

Afraid your just going to have to get over it.

Lizzie48 · 06/10/2018 15:08

I mostly just refer to myself as First Name followed by Surname (okay I did change my surname upon marriage); I don't use my title much. I don't care two hoots what title anyone uses tbh, so what??

Men don't worry about this, so why should we?

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 06/10/2018 15:11

Op you sound slightly demented. Of course you will be the second wife. No one will bother to think " he's been married before but she the no 1 wife now, not 2nd", they'll just think "second time he's been married = 2nd wife".

SecretlyChartreuse · 06/10/2018 15:13

Do you have the same first name? Will you be Jane Smith and Jane Smith?

If not, this is a non-issue.

You must have SILs and a MIL. At least one more Mrs “Smith” must again. Draw her attention to that.

SecretlyChartreuse · 06/10/2018 15:14

again = exist

Ta1kinpeace · 06/10/2018 15:20

You WILL be your husband's second wife
He WILL be your second husband
that is incontrovertible

Belindabauer · 06/10/2018 15:23

I really don't care whether someone is married or not. What title they use etc.
I absolutely object to all this crap of she is not married so should be ms. She is married so should be mrs.
Men are not subjected to this, all adult males are mr regardless of marital status ( unless dr etc). I never give my title either, I am first name surname.

Ariela · 06/10/2018 15:23

I wonder if ex wife is playing on DSD's insecurities on this.

If she brings it up again, I'd be saying that I am going to be Mrs (name), but DSD needs to remember that ex wife is DSD's mum and that I am not replacing her as a mum just marrying Mr (name). I will still be BreakfastClubCrazy, just as before, and ex wife will still be DSD's mum.

Valanice1989 · 06/10/2018 15:34

OP, I started off the thread completely on your side, but the fact that you're completely in denial about being a second wife has made me wonder how much more there is to this story.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 06/10/2018 15:39

I will be his only wife, his current wife, his last wife - but the second woman he married. He’s no longer married to the ex wife so I’m not the second.

Incorrect. You are the second wife and always will be, regardless of how many he has after you.

There’s no interpretation about it; you can’t interpret facts. It’s a simple fact that you are and always will be his second wife.

ferrier · 06/10/2018 15:41

Debrett's says the default title of a divorced woman is Mrs though the woman can equally choose Ms or Miss.
www.debretts.com/expertise/rites-of-passage/divorce/forms-of-address/

MarianneAgain · 06/10/2018 15:42

I'm British but DH is French and we live in France.
We have been married over 30 years.
I like my surname.... it was my father's.
I would probably have wanted to keep my name even if I had married a Brit and we lived in the UK.
But with OH being French it changes things because despite what you might think, married women do NOT change their names in France.
They (we) simply get the use of our husband's surname if we want it, and only for the duration of our marriage - if we get divorced the exH has to give us permission to continue to use his name. I have heard stories about amicable splits and fellas agreeing to this, only to regret it when their second wife has the same given name as their ex and they live in a small village.
As far as I am concerned Mrs DHusband'sSurname is my mother-in-law.... she has been using the name for over sixty years in everyday life, despite the fact that her legal name is still her maiden name which appears on her driving licence, her passport etc etc. (in addition to her married name. If you only have one name on your driving licence , as I do, it has to be your maiden name which you cannot lose unless you go through a costly legal procedure, far more complex than signing a deed poll: it has to go through the courts, be agreed to by a judge "for good reason" and be registered.)
Really, life would be so much simpler if everyone kept the same legal name from birth to death..... and much more in tune with 21st century life. In the past divorce was practically unheard of so once you changed your name it was a permanent change but switching backwards and forwards is a huge waste of time and money.
As far as the OP is concerned, I think now might be a good time to have a discussion with her DSD about what she (the DSD) might choose to do in the future, if and when she marries, possibly using celebrities as an example: Cheryl Tweedy-Cole- Fernandez-Versini, just gave up and decided to call herself Cheryl. Nobody worries that she has a different surname from her child.

MulticolourMophead · 06/10/2018 15:42

Billben

His ex wife is not a Mrs anymore. She is a Ms. She can keep his surname (as I would if I divorced my husband) but she can’t keep the Mrs.

You can use pretty much any title you want. They don't have any legal status. Oh, and Ms is generally used by women who don't want to use a title indicating their marital status.

DeaflySilence · 06/10/2018 15:47

"I was initially quite jealous of the time they had together but I never thought I wasn't the second one there."

At least you could console yourself with the fact that (statistically) your marriage is more likely to last that the first wife's, Snork.

In the UK, almost a half of first marriages end in divorce, while about a third of second marriages do.

Apparently, second is not quite such a safe position in the US though, as up to 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce there.

zsazsajuju · 06/10/2018 15:53

Its a bit weird changing your name on marriage in this day and age anyway. Presumably your dc is not changing their name so you will have a different name from them. why dont you just keep your name and be done with it.

Rememberallball · 06/10/2018 15:54

I am my husband’s 3rd wife and have the same first name as wife No2 - who still uses his surname so she is known as Mrs X DH surname. There was no way I was going to be Mrs X DH surname the 2nd so, when we got married, we went double barrelled and so we’re Mr & Mrs My surname - his surname. This also meant we honoured my family name after my father’s death the same year as we married!!